Loss of an Adult Child

[lostwoher]

 Psssst!!!!!  It is Danielle's angelversary and not her birthday

[nicksdad]

[user=23331]lostwoher[/user] wrote:

 Psssst!!!!!  It is Danielle's angelversary and not her birthday

I am the clown that did it wrong to begin with...SORRY!

Actually just realized it now that I look at the pic again....I changed it now...Even after I was e-mailed about it today by a few I still did not catch on..

[heartbeataway]

Birthday or memorial day, it really doesn't matter. 

What matters is that Danielle is remembered .........

[lolynbo]

THAT SHE IS THAT SHE IS

[summergirl]

DANIELLE, DANIELLE, DANIELLE - I AM SAYING YOUR NAME, I AM SAYING IT LOUD, I AM SAYING IT PROUD - A BEAUTIFUL ANGEL AMONG THE STARS -SHINNING BRIGHTLY.

[summergirl]

No time to read all the back post so just wanted to let you know that Tavian and I are home - we were to stay one more night and come home in the morning but I needed to come home, my safe zone - sometimes that just happens to me and there is no stopping the need. It is 10:43 and Tavian and I are lying in my big bed, he is all snuggled in and VERY TIRED!!!!  Barry will be home tomorrow morning.   I love you all and have missed you so much - took my laptop with me but no wifi around that I could zone in too so - anyway it is GREAT to be back home. Will catch up tomorrow with all. Love, peace and sweet dreams - Kathy

[ericasmom]

Dan, you are not a clown and in fact, you are a wonderfully gifted person who honors the Kids like no other, so no guilty feelings here. Danielle certainly gets it.

Kath, so glad that you are home feeling cozy with your Little-Guy tucked in next to you. Sleep well.

I am up late on a school night basically because tomorrow is a school holiday, Columbus Day. I have fond memories of taking ERi to the anti-Columbus parade back when she was in 3rd grade. She really did not want to go, but I appealed to her lack of conformity and threw in a lunch at one of her favorite downtown restaurants, so we hopped on the train and went downtown. That day, Jonathan and Michael went to a Cubs signing of some sort. So Eri and I paraded with all of the others that were parading for Native American Rights. NO parade permit was given so we had to march on the sidewalks, no streets closed. Eri held a sign that someone gave her, but she begged me not to chant along witheveryone else. I was a big embarrassment and at that age, 8, she just couldn't handle any extra attention on her. So I said, "eri, the voice on the bull-horn sounds mighty familiar..." She and ran up to the front where the cheers were being yelled through a bull-horn only to find on the other end of the horn...Eri's third grade teacher! She was mortified (eri not the teacher), and we dodged right out of the parade at that point and went out to lunch. Funny day, I love remembering our funny days together.

Love to all,,

dee

[mikesmomrs]

Dee:  I love your stories...whether they be of funny memories of Eri or haunting, beautiful tales of how you are coping and dealing and living...like your walks, your thoughts, your poems...you are a gift to all of us...thank you so much for sharing, of yourself, and your beautiful Eri...

Sonya:  today (actually, looking at the time...3:15 am), it is yesterday I am speaking of...was a downer day for me, and this is my first time at the computer, but you were in my thoughts and prayers that Danielle would surround you with her love and sweet spirit... I am so glad that so many came on and said her name for you:  [shadow=aqua]DANIELLE DANIELLE DANIELLE[/shadow]  even her name in print sounds beautiful...

Kathy:  I am glad you had fun with Tavian, and that you knew when you needed to just come home...and glad that you both wound up snuggled in...it is good when we recognize our needs and even better when we allow them to direct us as we need...

Col:  So glad you are so excited about your trip to VA...wish so much I could be there with you, also...bad week for me, traveling would not be good for me or anyone near me...

Lorri:  I am so sorry that you are feeling so down...but how can we not be there some days...our days are never complete now...we are missing a huge part of our life picture...a piece of a puzzle is missing...always...the days when we are NOT down are gifts...I believe, from our angels, and from God...and from ourselves to ourselves, through healing and growth...

Bon:  I meant to tell you the other day that I am so sorry to hear about your dad and that you are having to go through such emotions, being pulled in many directions...as Dee said, you may be the black sheep, but you are not the bad sheep...you are a beautiful, loving person, whose heart encompasses empathy, compassion and love, despite its broken and shattered self, and it is their loss to those who consider you the "outsider."   I pray for strength for you as you go through these next weeks, what with the emotional and legal things you are having to deal with...

Claudia, I hope you've made it home safely and we hear from you soon all about your trip...

Such a mixed bag for me this week...hubby's birthday is today, Monday, but we "celebrated" it on Sunday so the family could be here, but the "family" wasn't all here...Mike was not in his chair, teasingly pouting because it wasn't his birthday...then laughing at us taking him seriously...hubby finds it difficult to "celebrate" and then I remind him how Mike struggled so to "make it" to his dad's birthday that year...barely breathing those last three days, the first of which was his dad's birthday, the day he had struggled so to make it to...and yet as I speak these words to him, inside I am dying, crying; the last thing on my mind and in my heart is to "celebrate," but yet, Mike's smile on that morning of his last appearance at his dad's birthday pushes me on....almost hearing him ask "how can you not celebrate when you know how important it was to me so that I made it my goal to be there that one last time?"  The sunny, beautiful days of fall mock me, I would welcome the rain...but Mike, God, whatever, whoever, is not allowing me the luxury of clouds to hide behind in my sorrow...the sun is shining, gloriously bright, and I must open my eyes to it and see it and feel it, and smell it...because I know that is what Mike is expecting of us...celebrate, live, laugh out loud, celebrate...

I am trying, Mike, I am...I even put out the halloween pumpkins and corn stalks, and the witch's cape and hat and broom hanging on the front door......it's for you, Mike, I hope you like it...I know how much you loved halloween...  I can hear you telling me "Halloween is not supposed to be "pretty" mom, it's supposed to be scary!"  so, I will try to "scare up" your "shrunken head" from a box somewhere in the back room, and hang it on the railing...just for you...

Mike, as Darth Vader, 1979  (I had to make the costume, as there were no Star Wars costumes then, only the mask---I still have it---all of his boys have worn it at one point)

Damon:  Mike's youngest, as Darth...2008 (his mom went out with him, dressed as Princess Leia, even wound her hair around the sides of her head, though it had pretty much unraveled by the time they got home....isn't she just the best?!  I just know that Mike was smiling over this!)

thinking of you all, as always...

[mikesmum]

Carol - My friend, I hear your pain.  I know you are taking this journey one breath at a time, one small step each day, but somedays its just so hard.

I have been shopping for the Halloween engagement party and have this odd feeling that the Mikes will be around that night.  I have to carve a pumpkin......I thought tealights lining the pathway, but no pumpkins!

Mike comes from strong stock. You my friend displayed that with a trip to MN, something you might never have done it it wasn't for another Mikes mum wanting to meet you....

You are welcome to the light that has illuminated the edge of my abyss, pls share in its warmth.  I know this week is hard, I know your heart when it comes to your boy - I know he isn't far and most definitely watching over his prized Darth Vader costume......

Mike's (pleural) - Pls find Carol and wrap her in your energy.  Send pennies from heaven and music to let her know you are never far........

 - MICHAEL MICHAEL MICHAEL -

Sonya - You know we are all wanting you to find happiness in the memories you have of your precious Danielle today and every day.....Saying their names is so much a part of never forgetting our kids....

-  DANIELLE!         DANIELLE!      DANIELLE!

[mikesmum]

I find that pictures of our kids through their lives brings love light to our page.....here are some of mine that bought smiles tempered with a tear as I relived those days...

Twas the night before Christmas...no mouse!

Big Brother taking Melissa to preps....he was in Grade 1.

In 1980 my dad passed.  He and mum were to travel to the US to be reunited with her sister in Iowa.  She made the trip later that year and bought the boys back IOWA football shirts!

Our kids are not just one day......

Peace and sweet memories to you all......Trudi

[mikesmomrs]

Trud:  Sweet, dear friend...thank you for being here...thank you for sharing your light...I will hold it close as these days travel through my heart...yes, our kids are SO much more than "one day"...thanks for the remiinder, and thank God!....I love, love, love the pic of Mike taking care of his li'l sis...and she is the image of her mum...as is he...I know they both share the love that comes from their mum's heart...still...

I am up late, still working on completing Mike's banner...so much to decide from; another gift...so many memories...

love and peace, carol  mikesmomrs

[mysonrich]

Good morning BI friends

Having talked to a couple of our group on the side- lines and explained my routine of late, no routine, I did get out yesterday and had a nice visit with my oldest friend from Jr High. She lives in the town of Tunkhannock, very pretty spot. Her children, 2 still in school( she started later) were around and I handled them well, or should I say my missing child was there but I was also able to enjoy my time, bittersweet. I noticed she watched her words, as to not hurt me, finally after trying to clear a spot on the kitchen table, their heater went so they were replacing that too, I just said, " look, we are friends, its ok". I don't think I ever saw her cry except on the day of hearing of Richs death.

 

Dan, I also had a visit with g'f/s hubby,  a "quarry guy". I showed him the work at American Wood/Stone. He is going to make me a heart from Pa Blue Stone, talented guy. He does not have a laser so ...we'll see what John says.

 

Dee, do you think our children would ever get over the thought/feeling that their parents would just totally embarrass them in some way?

 

Betty, I enjoyed Stephens pictures. I think you said once that he was in the service, was it the Navy?

 

Carol, thanks for sharing. (((hugs))). "Mike is expecting of us...celebrate, live, laugh out loud, celebrate..." someday maybe?

 

Lynn, you have been in my thoughts.

 

My daughter Sarah seems to be keeping busy. She can laugh a little now, I keep the memories light. I'm sure this Halloween her thoughts will drift back to last year . Rich and g/f were guests at Sarah's party. I am thankful that they were also friends and that she included Rich in her college life. The two are so different.

 

Rich, the Ninja.

 

[daniellemom]

Dee, Betty, Lorri, MaryAnn, Lynn, Colleen, Marcia, Terrie, Sherry, Greg, Kathy, Carol, Betsy, Bonnie, Dan, Trudi –

Thank you all so much for saying Danielle’s name yesterday, it was a hard day but we made it. Dan, Danielle was laughing not because you are a clown because she loved getting people turned around! Thanks!

Lynn – Where did you find your post?

Carol – My thoughts are with you during this week.

I’m having lunch with Claudia tomorrow!! Any messages I can give her?

Sonya (Danielle’s Mom)

[heartbeataway]

Sonya,

Give Claudia a big hug for me!  I thought about driving your way while she was here but too much going on for me to get away right now.  You're not that far away but it would be more than a day's outing.  How lucky you are to get to meet her and during the countdown to the big day!

Trudi,

Your words lately are just the best tonic my soul could have.  Jason and Lecia were getting married October 13th.  She was going to carve out small pumpkins and put tealights in them.  She was also going to spray paint them in her colors. Clever idea I thought.  No faces, etc.  just space for the tealight.

Love the pictures!  Beautiful children!

Carol Sweet Carol,

I have to share that I dreamed that our boys were together!  I'm sure it was Mike too.  They were laughing and seemed pleased that they finally got me to notice.  Interesting ... laughter and smiles.  That's what I remember.  Oh, and Mike had on a navy or black hoody.  The hood was pulled up over his dark hair.

It made me happy.  I love the family stories.  I know the empty chair has got to be hard.  I haven't had a sit down meal since Jay left and I'm sure it's because I don't want to face that empty chair ...... not just yet.

After holiday meals we would sit around the cleared table and play Pit or other games. He was such a character and so much fun with his witty ways.

Betsy,

I'm proud of you for getting out.  It is hard isn't it?  I'm not sure folks know how to be or what to say when they're around us and we are feeling the angst of the realization that our conversation regarding our children is going to age as we have to rely on memories of the past. Just heart breaking!

I still think the fact that you got out is a huge step and shows you're moving in the direction that Rich would want.  Sweet picture of your little ninja!

Well guys, it's Monday.  Another week ahead of us.  We all have things going on and wonder, at least I do, how the week will end. Will we move forward legally?  Will Rich find a new job?  Will my Dad continue to hang on or let go and be at peace?  Will I make progress and stay focused on planning Pinnacle Days?

Dan,

Let me know about your flag banner. I wish you would try to come to Pinnacle Days. We find it energizing and perhaps you would too.

One unknown after another ....  baby steps and deep breaths.

Oops, the dryer stopped.  Gotta fold a few clothes .....

Love!

Bonnie, Jason's Mom

[mpsmom]

SOnya, give Claudia a big hug from me as well, and take some pics for us all ......

Marcia, Bethany's Mom Forever  

[daveydow1]

Dear Sonya----Thinking about you, and praying that you are able

to find some comfort in your memories of  SWEET DANIELLE on her

ANGEL DAY .   Peace & comfort to you, friend. 

[daveydow1]

Dear Carol---I, too, feel your pain. I am praying that you find comfort

in your memories of your dear son, Mike. The milestones of life are so

bittersweet and painful, aren't they? You have been a constant comfort to many of

us here at BI, and I wish tranquility & comfort for you now. Take care, friend.

      Sherry 

[hotrod]

Good Morning Everyone

 

Betsy: I love the picture of Rich as the Nija  So very cute!! Thanks for sharing him with us No Stephen was not in the service although he Loved this Country.

 

Trudi: I love the pictures of Mike, Going to Grade 1 He looks so happy,  sweet and full of life. The Under the tree shot was precious.  You are correct  Seeing our babies at different stages of their lives is so enriching.

 

Carol: I know this week is hard.  The pictures of Mike as Darth Vadar and then the follow up of his son in the same costume brought tears to my eyes.  I know how hard it is to keep up the traditions of the Holidays.  I also try to continue to honor the memories of past days but it is hard.

 

Bonnie: Praying for you during this difficult time. Thinking of Jason and wonderful memories you share.

 

Sonya, Marcia, MaryAnn, Dee, Lori, Dan, Greg,Terrie , Sherry Thinking of you all with love and warmth today

 

I thought I would try to start my day by connecting with everyone by typing my thoughts  Usually I read, smile and then do not respond.

 

Thanks for being here.

Betty

Stephen's Mom

[mikesmomrs]

Betty:  Reading is fine...but of course, typing your thoughts to connect is great, too, as it connects us in yet another way...which we all need...thank you for sharing...and for your good wishes.

Sonya:  Please give Claudia a hug for me, also...goodness, you'll spend the whole time together hugging!  But, that's good too!

love and peace,  carol 

[mikesmum]

((((((((((((((HUGS HUGS HUGS)))))))))))))))

For the lovely Claudia!! 

[mikesmum]

Betsy - I found after Mike left the 'routine' I was so stringent with given the job I did had been obliterated along with who I once was.  My 'new normal' routine consists of wake up, BI, shower, brush teeth, walk Muttley - BI.  Depending on how I'm travelling I might walk again wandering thru curio shops and the like, no plan, no stress, bit like the no where man "making all his nowhere plans for nobody". 

In the first year after Mike left I made a memorial album.  It has the notifications from the paper, pictures from his slideshow and readings from his service. This is Melissa reading for Mike - I don't think I really read it till now.....  Unable to speak she asked Lauren (the good g/f) to read it on her behalf.....

"I wish that I could have seen your face one last time.  I keep expecting you to ring to tell me what went wrong.  I know how much you loved me, I hope you know that I loved you the same.

You were such a proud uncle and father figure to Emily when she needed it most.  We shared her first steps and her first trip to the beach.  Thanks for being there it meant a lot - even more now.

I'm glad you experienced the pride and joy of the birth of Harmony. I see you when she smiles and will try my hardest to be there for her to let her know who her Dad was.

To me you were my blood, my childhood, a great Uncle, father, brother and son. An Artist and Musician.  A caring soul whose physcial heart may have been flawed but no one can deny that you were all heart.

I love you Micheal, I wish I could have taken your pain away before this.  Rest in Eternal peace with nanna.

Thank you all for honouring Micheal's memory today.  Thank you Jeremy for enduring my moods this last week, Thank you mum for always being there, we all love you so much. And thank you Lauren for speaking on behalf of me today.....

Yes Carol - thoughts of your girls at Mike service flood my mind........

Last pic was actually Mikes first day at school, Melissa was going to preschool.  This is Stevens first day at preschool, Mike grade 1, Melissa grade prep.  My peas in a pod, my trio of life.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9QPbHwb4JA4 

[mpsmom]

Trudi, Someday I will be able to put together a memorial book in Bethany's honor, I know I coul dnot have taken on that task this first year, and maybe not the second year..... someday though I will............

The words you spoke ( thank goodness for Lauren) were beautiful, we shoul dnot have had to write these words... it is not the way it is supposed to be.... not ever.. . I read the words and hear your voice, from the depths of your heart... and then the picture. OH MY GOODNESS>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> how absolutely sweet.... Michael looks exactly like a "little Trudi"... I love the picture !!!!!!!  Just looking at his smile took away all the sadness of the words above it.....thank you for sharing this with us.

I miss my friends from Minneapolis and wish we were all closer ( geographically) you are all in my heart, I hear your voices, your tones, I close my eyes and can 'see' you speaking....I miss you all !!!  Still working on the dreaded income taxes, thank goodness they must be finished by the 15th ..... then I can breathe again.

Love to all, Marcia  Bethanys Mom Forever

[mpsmom]

Carol, Holding you so close as you approach an anniversary none of us should have to acknowldege.... I wish I could take the pain away, for each and every one of us here......I cannot ....... I am sorry.... but your are in my thoughts everyday.  I will treasure our shopping trip until we can all get together and do it again...

My love to you, you have given me strength... Marcia   Bethanys Mom Forever

[mikesmum]

Marcia - Time, it takes time.  For me the memorial page, book and fussing with memories was my life for those years...I need to see Mikes face, know he was here no matter what.  You will get there with Bethany's memories....see how far you came in MN!! 

The words are my daughters not  mine.......I didn't realise the depth of her loss, too busy with mine I guess.

Since MN I read the posts with 'voiceovers'.  Yes I would love to be geographically closer.  Here I seem to be on an outpost far away.......

Sorry about the tax thing suxs! 

[ericasmom]

Giant hugs to Claudia from me, thanks Sonya. Tell her please that we miss her and wish her great union with her family, knowing that Joey is sitting on her shoulder visiting right along with her.

Trudi, Melissa looks so much like you that I now know exactly how you looked as a child, oh my, and the two of you are very much like little Jeya. Holy cow the resemblance is amazing. And there is Sweet Mike, so handsome taking his sissy to school. His eyes smiling just as they did as an adult. Those pretty eyes, the windows to his soul.

Bonnie, what inded will this week bring? I hope that it is goodness after goodness, that Rich find a new job that brings him what he needs, that if Dad is to go, that he leave quickly and without much angst, that somehow you go through the day of Jason and Lecia's wedding date with the knowing that Jason is fine with this, he is fine. I know that you are a busy woman right now, and I hope that the busy times take you to a place in this world that let you feel the long way you have trudged. Let yourself look back over your shoulder a bit to see the boulders and holes that you have found your way through, and yes, there are more, but wow! you have made so many steps forward. Preparing this event must be making Jay smile that gorgeous smile, he is so proud of all of your steps. You make a big difference through your love for him Bonnie, and that is a wonderful tribute to the Boy of Your Dreams.

My banner might make it to you right at the last minute. I am not putting a photo on mine, don't quite know yet what I am doing, but John and I went to the fabric store today and I will cobble something up. I think it might look as though a third grader did it, but what the heck...that is where my head is most times. I have been very busy fighting off tests at school, a losing battle. I am also preparing for parent conferences and for a writing workshop I have to facilitate on the 24th. I will be walking against breast cancer with Bridget on Sunday, and so all in all, I AM A BUSY UNORGANIZED CRAZY WOMAN/ but I am listening to Neil Young singing the song that I adore so , well I adore most of his music, "cowgirl in the dust".

I love the line"hello ruby in the dust" It is what I called Eri, my ruby in the dust. A gem of immeasurable worth and beauty under a coat of dirt, my Girl.

"Hello woman of my dreams" that she is the girl/woman of my dreams.

Betty, love that you are here posting. Your voice becomes familiar to my heart as you post more often, letting me know a bit more each time, which I love. Traditions are tricky aren't they? We sometimes need to make new ones just to make holidays palatable. That empty chair is certainly a factor for us all. I wrote a poem about it once, I will post it again when I remember.

Betsy, good for you going out to visit someone. I know how hard it is to make that effort, to take that risk. The world is different for us after we lose our Child. We don't move through it with the same ease or gait. WE have escape plans in case we don't want to stay too long. Eventually we become comfortable enough to let folks know that we will play it all by ear in case I don't feel like I can stay. Those that get it are the ones we are most comfy near. I picture you driving through the ccolorful countryside, hoping that in the scenery you are blessed with peaceful thoughts.

Carol, you are in that zone again and I am sorry. I know that you are working hard to honor what Mike would want, that you celebrate your hubby's birthday, after all effort he put forth to be there one more time...but if you find it hard to celebrate, Mike will understand. Still, to celebrate the birth of that husband because without him there would never have been that beautiful Son or any of the kids, including the grandboys. So HAPPY BIRTHDAY Carol's husband, because the day of one's birth is a very important moment. Hold tight to knowing that in all you do Carol, Mike is more than proud. He is bursting with joy at the way you are in his Children's lives, at your love for the team he roots for still, for the garden you work on, for the way you take care of his Pops, for all you do each day. He knows that there is not a day without your love and devotion. He knows. Love the Darth costume and love that it is still being used.

Maryanne, I hope that you find a few minutes of feeling better, just a few, that will let you know that feeling better will happen, it will. I so wish I could have a cup of tea with you, keep you company for a time. Do you have any hobbies, drawing, walking, knitting?

To Everyone, rent the movie MILLIONS if you have not yet seen it. We have a cable station called Independent Film Channel and I have caught pieces of it several times, well today I caught the end which was lovely. In it the Mom comes to the child from heaven. She tells him that she has 5 minutes to spend with him, and she I want to talk to you and says so listen and don't interrupt, I am dead and so I know what I am talking about. She goes on to say, I know you are worried about me lately, but you needn't worry, I am fine Sweetie, I am fine.

I wept of course, but it is what I believe, it is what ERi told4 of her friends in dreams in one weeek of time 5.5 years ago. Four girls in different states away at different colleges, all had similar dreams, in it Eri said, " don't worry 'bout' me, I am so fine, more than fine." In th edreams she was grinning, she was radiant.

Sugar Mountain is playing now, " you can't be 20 on Sugar Mountain, though you're thinking thtat you're leaving there too soon."

I'll say, too soon for any of us, but THEY are fine.

Peace in this day-

dee

[nicksdad]

Bonnie...I now have a clue on the banner and will start tonight and hopefully finish tommorow. Not sure how it will turn out but we will see....

Sonya....I'm sure Danielle probably laughed most of the day becuase it was driving me crazy wondering what was going on

Betsy...I am sure the Pa Blue Stone will look great. I am from PA and had a quarry right up the road, that is beautiful stone...Not sure about engraving on it but if anyone can i'm sure John can.

Momdukes...Work, work and more work. Actually things I have put off (i.e. customers) and decided I have to get my crap together...Hopefully soon will be caught up.

[mysonrich]

oh Trudi, beautifully written and from the depth and sorrow  of her heart. We know how difficult it can be to put the feeling to paper, having so much to say, convey, a life of feelings and love.

I have found that I have built a wall w/o realizing this. Do we all build walls to keep out more hurt at this time? More people reaching out that might have been there all along so I know about " really " reading or in my case, being accessible.

My workplace, I felt like it was a hammer and me the nail. At the same time putting on the mask. Not a good combo.

 

Dee, you are right. Peaceful thoughts .

 

Betty, did I tell you that you look familiar?

 

Dan, I did hear back from John. He said that he can laser or sandblast this type of rock. I am just waiting on dimensions now. He also gave me his professional opinion on another matter. Very courteous and thoughtful having shared his lose with me .

 

Mary Ann, Marcia, Lynn,Terri,Lori,Greg, everyone, hope you all are staying warm.

Bonnie, it will probably come down to FedEX, still working on the banner.

 

Betsy,mysonRich

[mysonrich]

Marcia, I hope you are staying cool ! It was 32 this morning, so I'm thinking warm.

[ericasmom]

Sherry, how is the weather? It was cold here, cold but sunny and I went for some long walks this long weekend. I traveled into the woods, took my camera. Today I saw the blue heron but he is quite skittish and flew off. I probably would not have gotten a good photo as my camera does not allow as good a zoom as my old one. But I saw him as I was walking up an old incline and i dropped to my knees. I said, "thank you God" to see such a sight. A silver blue on stilt legs, ever so still in the water at the slough. And then he lifted off, it looked to take a good deal of energy to lift from the water, those long legs dangling from him as he circled and headed northward. I hoped to see him again on my walk but did not.  I did however, see a brown hawk cutting through the forest on his slanted flight. I love that she can fly sideways between the trees, the right size to be able to do so. I saw a group of ducks sitting and quacking together, hopefully hanging out this winter, but who knows. They stay as long as there is moving water, so with the early frost we have experienced, it is anyone's call as to what our winter will be like. As you know, I like it snowy, snowy and glistening. Quietly beautiful. Well, at least until February, when I am over the snow, when it is no longer white or glistening, it is messy and unwelcome by then. Ah the character building traits of midwestern living.

Speaking of midwesterners, how are you Col? I think it is sweet that you scared the kids off the couch and never came back down. Keep them guessing, good ploy. I am happy for Aaron, to have had a good time.

Mary, Terrie, Dawn, Lyn, Shelly, Amanda, Jeff, Ethan's Mom, Avery's Dad, and Everyone that I have missed here, may the sun find your hearts tomorrow and warm you anew.

dee

[nicksdad]

Betsy,

That is great about John, yes he is a very caring person and I think that was why I really enjoyed and still do talking with him. Honest and caring....

[ericasmom]

Trudi, Steven and Melissa and You all seem to share the same features, the same glorious smile. Thanks for sharing the words from the service that Lauren spoke. Beatuiful, so beautiful.

[ericasmom]

Missing From the Table

Warm lights pour outdoors

From within where they gather-

Around a large table,

Laughter is heard

 toasts are made,

dishes are passed-

And everyone is smiling.

I am a voyeur.

And from the wet pavement

I walk with my memories-

Remembering our warm lights-

The faces and the laughter

Around our large table-

But now a void, an empty chair,

She is missing from the table.

by dee conmy

[lolynbo]

WELL I WANNA CRY, SO I AM...JUST GOT A TEXT BEFORE COUNCELING THAT BRENT (KOURTNEYS HUBBY) IS NOW ENGAGED...IM HURT...IM HAPPY, IM SAD, ...IM GLAD ITS CARLY AND THANKFUL IT ISNT SATANS DAUGHTER..BUT SOOOOO WISH IT WAS KOURTNEY LYNN....

SO MANY MIXED FEELINGS RIGHT NOW..

[ericasmom]

some angels for you all.

[lolynbo]

THERE ARE NO CHAINS ON OUR ANGELS...NO MORE..............

[summergirl]

Hello to all my dear friends, Tavian asleep in his bed, all snuggled in and snoring softly - love to watch him sleep. He is so very tired, sat in his recliner watching movies and playing playstation all day AND ATE A LOT!!  He met so many friends while camping and was on the go from 8 in the morning until I finally got him back to the camp site around 7, then dinner, shower and campfire. One night he was falling asleep during his shower - so cute. Ready to go back to school tomorrow.

Lorri - I am so happy that the engagement is to somone you like although we all wish it were Kourtney. The young have a way of moving on much faster than we do or ever will. All we can do is cherish what was, the time we had, the happiness our choldren had while here with us. In time you will hopefully become friends but I know it will never be the same for you. Cry my friend, tears release the pain of the soul. Thinking of you as aleays.

Carol - hang tight my friend. Good for you to put out those halloween decorations for your Mike - he is smiling bright and saying "make it scarey mom" - prayers for you.

Dee - the poem, beautiful, tearful and makes the heart beat a little faster. Waiting for the book!!

Trudi - although you are far away you are always near to me.

Cold today but I was outside doing lots of yard work - needed to get rid of energy, One of those days where I could not stop.

Marcia - always thinking of you and your strength.

Finished my flag !!!! Will be sending it out on Wednesday. Tavian and Barry are so proud of it - me, well the tears and laughter that went in to it were well worth it.

To all - I think of all of you each day, the ups and downs, the tears and laughter, the smiles, the heartache but always with prayers that life gets softer for you.

Much to catch up on, being away gets you behind .

JESSICA, JESSICA, JESSICA - ILOVE AND MISS YOU SO MY DAUGHTER, MY FRIEND.

 

[ericasmom]

KAthy, so glad that Tav is sleeping the sleep of one tired little beach-boy. That kind of sleep that takes over in giant increments, where you know you will soon fall to it, boom! Love that in a kid. We did yard work too today, and one would expect me in bed, have to be up at 5:30, but for whatever reason, I am awake. We pulled all the Cana bulbs out of the ground since we have had a frost. Then we chopped the stalks and wheelbarrowed them to the basement, where I had to clear a spot for their winter dormancy.

Our neighbors have a big old black walnut tree, and this year, for whatever reason, it dropped more nuts than usual. Well these are the color and almost the size of tennis balls. hundreds of them. They smell kind of citric like, and yet they leave a dark stain on the hands. They add too much acid to the ground and they are ankle twisters, so I picked up probably 400 or more of them today. My quads are a bit sore.

Lorri, so glad that Brent did not go off and marry the daughter of satan as well. I do believe that he really wants to be married, so I do hope that this young lady is a good match for him. It was Kourtney, they are each other's first deep love, but I do believe that Kourt wants him to move forward for all the reasons she wants you to as well. She loves you. She loves him, wants him to find what is best in life. His life was touched by an angel, your Daughter, and now he has to find ways to carry on. We are all better humans for the time we had with our Babies.

No more chains-

I started taking photos of the angels in the cemetary. There are some real beauties. This one, I felt, has some special determination in her face. I like that strength in her. I think it is what I see in so many of our Kids.

Peace-

dee

[arc4ever]

Pretty much finished my banner/flag today.  Didn't really have a clue what to do, didn't turn out quite like I had in mind, but will send it along probably tomorrow.

One quick update on Tattoo Mike, got a facebook msg from his sister, he had a peaceful night last night, someone in the family is with him at all times, sometimes we just don't know.  I hope you continue to pray for a peaceful end.

I just want to mention, I haven't heard from my mom on the phone since the end of June.  I stopped by her house one day to look at something, she and my dad came to the cross country ivitational for Adam, even though I hadn't told her about it.  She did come which was nice.  My mom and I have never had what you would call a close relationship.  It was ALWAYS me who did the calling to check in to say hello, usually once a week or so.  As I do not have the strength right now to be the one calling and checking in, I just haven't and so since she never calls - well there you go!  She sent me an email last week that basically said she was thinking of us and missed us and that she and my father were also having a bad time.  She sent another yesterday tha said basically the same thing, how much she misses Adam, etc.  I sent her a very long response just basically saying I am having enough of a time trying to stay sane myself right now without helping them.  I was sorry for not being there but I am just not capable right now.  I told her I still cry when I go to the store.  I told her a many joked and tapped his cart into mine last week at the store and I stood there alone and sobbed, today while at the grocery store with my husband I broke down and he just held me while I sobbed in the store.  I want her to know these things, this is my new normal - I am 44 years old and have absolutely nothing to look forward to.  I am not the same person I was and never will be.  I just cant do it

Do you think I was mean in saying these things to my mom?  I don't but I just had to get a few things off my chest so maybe she would get a more realistic picture of what our lives are like now.  I don't need the added pressure of calling and checking on her right now, too selfish probably, but I don't have it in me.

I also told her I post and vent on a message board and these are people who understand me and understand that these behaviors are my new "normal Terrie"

Thanks again as always, must go to bed, have to work tomorrow!

Love Terrie (Adam's mom)

[mikesmum]

[user=20130]arc4ever[/user] wrote:

 I am having enough of a time trying to stay sane myself right now without helping them.  I was sorry for not being there but I am just not capable right now.  I told her I still cry when I go to the store.  I told her a many joked and tapped his cart into mine last week at the store and I stood there alone and sobbed, today while at the grocery store with my husband I broke down and he just held me while I sobbed in the store.  I want her to know these things, this is my new normal - I am 44 years old and have absolutely nothing to look forward to.  I am not the same person I was and never will be.  I just cant do it

Do you think I was mean in saying these things to my mom?  I don't but I just had to get a few things off my chest so maybe she would get a more realistic picture of what our lives are like now.  I don't need the added pressure of calling and checking on her right now, too selfish probably, but I don't have it in me.

I also told her I post and vent on a message board and these are people who understand me and understand that these behaviors are my new "normal Terrie"

Thanks again as always, must go to bed, have to work tomorrow!

Love Terrie (Adam's mom)

Terrie - No your not mean, your just honest.  One thing I found was people who knew me before Mike died expect the same ole Trud.  They hold with the tradition that time heals all.   My old self should be rocking up any day now.  Wrong.....Once strong, emotionally in check, focussed and the 'matriach' I am now as you described.  Tears in the middle of a food court cause the music everyone else is ignoring is playing a song that hits me, for my surving kids I am a concern.  Sucking it up and being the old me takes so much out of me. 

As for family, well, I get emails from my older brother.  He sends them to Bill (other brother who lost his 15yr old to Cystic Fibrosis in 2002) e are usually the last on the FWD.  He never asks how were are.  I did ask how he was going, but his response was filled with what I call 'so what'.  He and his 2nd wife split after both were unfaithful and he likens it to losing a child.....enough said.

Stay with it Terrie.   A wise ole owl (?) once told me in my darkest of times to look after myself.  Take a walk, eat wisely and drink plenty of water.....I would add 'to thine ownself be true'......

 

[mysonrich]

Terrie, No. You're not mean. You can't support the grief of another while doing all you can not to crumble yourself. Ordinary life events, ups and downs of life and what probably at one time concerned us are trivial now.

When Rich's grandfather made comments about Rich's friend's and the fact they were a little nosey at his service, at the reception they were a little noisy too but I saw that as grief. Probably the first death they may have dealt with and of a friend, who is to say how we should act.Any of us. When I defended my sons friends to my dad, I was defending my son. Something I felt I shouldn't have to do. MAybe the same with your mom, you can't Terrie and shouldn't feel you have to. Its to much.

 

 

Betsy,mysonRich

[hotrod]

Good Morning Everyone

'Terrie I was truly touched by your heartfelt post of how it is now. 

 

Just as Trudi stated, I too have changed from the all together get it done person to one who DOES NOT want to deal and who cries at a song in the supermarket. 

 

In fact  Supermarket shopping is most difficult.  It is here  I am constantly assaulted by all the food I would buy for Stephen.   All the different things he would love - I remember his comments about how much he loved Crabbie Cakes- Shrimp Cocktail= Snapple  and on and on.  I cannot get out of the supermarket fast enough.

 

I have isolated myself from family.  I have stopped expecting them to understand, and do not even explain. I agree with Trudi for I too was advised to TAKE CARE of MYSELF. Please be gentle with yourself and know that you are not alone and that Adam is with you always..

 

Dee                Love the strength of the Angel and the Poem  Thank you  Eri is so beautiful

 

Trudi              Your support and wisdom and beautiful pictures always touches my heart  Thank you Mike is proud of you

 

Betsy             Thanks for your wisdom and interest.  Love the new picture of Rich

 

Lori, Carol, Kathy, MaryAnn,  Sonya, Greg, Dan, Marcie, Colleen, Lynn Thank you all for being here and all the support you have all given me over the past year

Bonnie:       Thinking of you during this busy difficult week. Thank You for enabling us to participate, in part, to your honoring Jason .  LOved making the flag and looking forward to seeing everyones.

 

[ericasmom]

I agree with all the advice you have been given here Terrie, and I also agree that it was not, is not, mean at all. It is what it is. Your folks are dealing as they know how, and you cannot take care of them right now, maybe not ever. It is you that needs to take care of you, they did not step in to assist as they just are not made that way. I am however, glad that they said that they are having a hard time right now, missing Adam. I think it was great, GREAT that you told them what life is like for you right now. They may crumble a bit under the weight of their little Girl being so sad, but they also can better see how you have had to adjust to each new day. I am proud of you for laying it on the line.

Funny how supermarkets get so many of us. I too fell apart in the grocery, knowing that I would normally purchase things to give the kids next time I saw them, or remembering the items they cherished as little ones. Eri and her jarred tamales, which I hated, she loved. She also loved Chef-boy-r-dee, which I detested. So funny, my little Pumpkin.

love,

dee

[daveydow1]

Terrie----I do not think that you are mean in dealing with your parents.

It is good that you were open and upfront with your feelings. It could be

that they were just not totally understanding how you are so overwhelmed

with the grief of losing dear Adam. I also have a 'distant' mom, who was a

bit harsh many years ago when my baby Lisa passed. When Davey passed,

6 yrs. ago, I thought she may be the same, but I feel I headed her off at the

pass, by gently saying to her......"don't tell me how to grieve, mom". She has

 been more understanding....to a point...so I guess it did some good to tell

her that. It's good that you were able to tell her that your energies are limited

by your grief, and that you have to grieve in your own time. Peace & tranquility.

          Sherry 

[daveydow1]

Dee----Thanks for the ANGEL. It has been a very cool OCT. here......rainy, &

a bit gloomy. Also, thanks for the Table poem. Yes, I agree with so many here

that supermarkets can be a sad place, bringing back so many memories. I

think this is true because we connect so many memories with , food,

and fellowship of the family & friends and dinners. Davey loved candy corn---

sold everywhere for fall & Halloween. To this day, I am not able to buy any

of it. Just feel so sad when I see it. Have not made tuna/noodle casserole

since his passing. Oh,....your nature walk sounds divine, and the sight of the

hawk and the great blue heron. Nature calms the soul like no other thing...it's

like having your dear ERi tell you that all is well, isn't it ?

Trudi,....Such a nice photo of Mike, Melissa, and Steven on their first day of school.

   Peace & comfort to all at BI.

              Daveysmom,  Sherry

    

[arc4ever]

Thank you all, thank you thank you thank you for at least making me feel like I an not a completely selfish, terrible daughter.

I did hear back from my mom today, she was kind and just said she loved us and didn't expect anything from us and that just because she doesn't call doesnt mean that she isn't thinking of us and cares.  Thats something I guess.  This is how it is to be for now, maybe forever.

But really everyone, thank you!

Terrie (Adam's mom)

[arc4ever]

Sad news to report:

Got a message today at 1:16pm :  Michael just now, peacefully passed. . .

For all those who have been praying for Tattoo Mike and his family, thank you very much.  I plan on giving her copies of your posts (just the part that mention your prayers for their family)  I thought at some point in time they may bring her comfort that so many were praying for Mike's peace and comfort.

Our angels await his arrival.

Love to all, Terrie (Adam's mom)

 

 

[heartbeataway]

My deepest sympathies to Mike's family. I never hear of another loss that I don't think back to those first minutes, hours and days.

This family is facing tough times.  I will continue to pray for strength.

Good-byes are so hard to say .......

[mikesmum]

Just an note on our friend who lost her husband just under a month ago.  Her children are grown and live some distance.  With the last one returning home and the 'routine' of care for her husband stopping she is struggling.   I sms'd her for a coffee and within seconds she replied. 

She had been busy being mum and granma over the first weeks, this last week she continued to be busy packing her husbands things (he was on home peritoneal dialysis) to return to the hospital.   Now there was a deafening silence and a total lack of routine.  She was lost....The first visit to the cemetry was hard.  She forgot where his grave was and found she had been sobbing over a stranger.  It was only when she read the cards on the flowers that she realised.

This lady is a highly trained and focussed Paramedic.  I have only ever known her as an "I'm okay" lady who needed little help in her life.  Now, coffee by the river is a big thing. 

Like Tattoo Mikes family, the waiting is over.  The work begins.  Remember this family over the next months.  Thats when they will need to know they are not alone.

Take Care - Trudi

[arc4ever]

Trudi,

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend.  It is so hard when we have no direction anymore, no routine, no one to take care of.  Please extend to her my thoughts and wishes that she find some purpose.  We all have a purpose, no matter how small it is, even if it is just reaching out to others to offer them some support.

Send along my love,

terrie (Adam's mom)

[ericasmom]

May the angels that we know help Mike get to heaven in a quick and lovely flight. May he see the glow of our Babies hearts lighting the way, and all those who went before him, especially his Brother.

Terrie I thank you for letting us know, I know that your heart must hurt as you tell us. Remember, I have been doing this for over 6 years now, and since Eri left us, I have said goodbye to many of my peer and to other people's Children, it takes a bit of wind out of your sails each time you say goodbye to another, each time you go to a wake or funeral. Be extra kind to yourself at this time, extra vitamin, extra juice, some protein in small doses to make sure that your body is getting what it truly needs as it carries you through a new time.

Loving you all,

dee