Loss of an Adult Child

[summergirl]

Hello to all - "Lost a child, gained an Angel" - I love it - problem is I am having a hard time choosing from so many different ideas so believe I will give Jessica the time to let me know what to choose - she will send me something in her sweet time.

mamabets - I live in East Hampton, about as far as you can go on Long Island - yes it is called "the Hamptons" as we get many celebraties, the very rich and the very snobbish here all summer long - traffic is crazy but I love it. I am a people person and when I get tired of the traffic etc I just go to the beach and relax - let my mind go. I collect beach glass, Jessica and I used to walk the beaches alot and we would always have to count when we got home to see who got more!! I miss that.

I am so sorry for those of you approaching the first "Angel Date" - it is such a diffacult time and hard to know what to do with yourself in the weeks leading up to and then the day itself - It was harder for me this past February as I hit the 2 year mark, seemed more heart wrenching then the first. I think the first year we still are in shock and overwhelming grief, nothing is right with anything in our world and then  time goes on and you find that it actually is getting "softer" - then WHAM the 2nd date is arriving and I honestly do not know how I survived it but here I am - still breathing and still sharing will all of you here.  All I can say is breathe and do whatever you want to do that day and all other "first days".

I love the idea of the band and I am going to find one somewhere - I have seen all kinds but none that have to do with losing a loved one. Where do I get one? I want something to wear in rememberance of Jessica but have yet to see anything like that around the "hamptons". 

I am at work so will talk later - love to all and peace be with you. Kathy

[summergirl]

I ordered my husband a decal in rememberance of Jessica for his new truck - it is bright yellow and says "In loving memory of Jessica Lee Bennett, July 21, 1979 - February 18, 2006, Forever in our hearts" - it is still in the box as he tells me he is waiting for warmer weather to arrive so he can go outside and figure out where on the truck he wants it - I think it scares him a little so he is waiting for the right moment. I will post a picture when he puts it on. Kathy

[briansdad]

Here is the one I have on my truck.All of Brian's buddies from the car club have them on their cars.

[ericasmom]

Dear Heartbeat Away,

Each month on the 8th or the 14th, I wrote to about 30 people in a group email. I couldn't contain myself on the 8th or the 14th adn the days between them served to make me jittery and weepy as well. (erz was hit on the 8th, died on the 14th, one month after Daveydow's son). Anyhow, I found a way to communicate all that was in my heart to the young people that had found themselves with the scary feeling of having lost a dear friend. They were all 19, and most of them living away from home in colleges all around the USA, and some in farther away places. So I began writing about Eri and what I thought she would want for us all, I threw in some of my dreams and my poems, and my hopes for them and for all of us. I threw in some memories and some prayers, and related some lines that struck/strike me from books and or music. Anyhow, at first it seemed really indulgent, but I could not let the 8th/14th go without the acknowledgement of time and heart. The kids, and my nieces and nephews, son, and sisters all asked me to continue, that it helped them feel connected to ERi and to one another. I did write every month for about 2.5 years and then I slowed it down, not being as driven to share all that I was feeling and not wanting to interfere in the lives of young adults who have found ways to move on and live their lives, make the decisions that helped define who they are. I didn't want to send a meandering of my thoughts and make any of them feel obliged to write back or try to remind them of a sad time. So I kind of stopped... until several kids (by now they were 22 or so) asked me to continue. I told them that I would write but not monthly anymore, as I will only be a boring repeating fool, but I do write about 5 times per year now when I feel I have both a need to share some ERisms or some lovely news, and when I am feeling the need to connect to those kids I watched grow up alongside mine.

So when you ask why is it I feel so agitated on or around the dates each month...it is normal for us, it is a mark of time. Remember that you are a MOmma, and we have watched clocks and calendars since we were pregnant with our little ones. Dads too. Our pregancies were marks of time, when will she have eyelashes, when will she kick...then they are born, they are 2 weeks old, then 2 months, and in between two weeks and two months... you have changed imeasureably. Some days you spent walking back and forth holding a sick child or one that simply got his days and nigths mixed up, then you watched the clock estimating when you might grab some sleep. Then it was time to look for teeth at around 5 months, and everything, each marker of growth is based on the each calendar page. We collected their data with pride and wrote it in with the date of its occurance into little pastel colored books trimmed in gingham. Our lives became the march of time with our little ones. And so it is that in thier death, the same occurs. I was able to feel this become less a pressing thing on a monthly basis somewhere after our second anniversary. And now we are apporaching 5 years, that is 1,825 days, it is 60 months without my girl. My Erica Eileen. Time persists and we are changed once again immeasureably...of course. Breathing is even different but it will not always be this difficult, swear to God.

Love,

Dee

[heartbeataway]

briansdad,

Very cool window cling!

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

Dee - erica'smom,

Rich (Jay's Dad) came home early today (after calling and checking on me three times.)   We went to a late lunch, early dinner.  I laid down after we got home and just got up a little bit ago. Your email is precious........... I needed your words.

I will print them out and put them on my refrigerator so I can see them again.

Thank you!

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[bigmikesmom]

Trudy

I will be praying and thinking of you on Monday. I too am going Monday to talk with the prosecutor. He is getting us ready for the trial April 23,24,25. God Bless you!

Patti-bigmikesmom

ps

I like proud parent of an angel.

[ericasmom]

Dear Trudi and Patti,

    We chose to fight in court and so my advice to you both is to get to know your lawyer as best you can, try to know ahead of time his/her approach. Ask a Zillion and one questions so that you are sure of what is going on. Luckily for me, my husband took on the role in our family, of translating all the legal stuff into digestable pieces for me, for my son, and for my exhusband. He was sort of the liason. OUr case was sitting in Federal Court in Grand Rapids, Michigan for quite sometime. It was federal due to the fact tht he railroads are supported by the federal government. ( that sums up the mess they are in). Anyhow, it was a long road, a hard battle but I felt that I needed to stand up for my girl where she was no longer able, and in the end, we were able to settle with the city of Kalamazoo as the rail light was theirs though Amtrak was responsible for checking the working order of all of the lights each month, and each month for 11 months in a row, they wrote in their report, that the light was not working....and they contacted the city once for that infraction. Just think had they actually taken responsiblility to make sure the city sent somebody to fix it...it was a blown fuse by the way, a small fuse that cost a few dollars, that actually cost my daughter her life. Well, as Amtrak goes, the case was dropped by the Feds after sitting in court for 3 years. All of a sudden the judge, who was soon to retire, said that Amtrak was not in the wrong and released it from the courts. SLAP! So we put it outthere in another court, was it federal circuit? And finally after 4.5 years there was a small settlement with Amtrtak.  The most important thing to me was getting the City to change the whole configuration of the tracks throught the part of town that Eri was hit. Colleges on both sides of tracks and fast food places in 5 different crossings. So now it is safe, and because of Eri and the fight we battled, nobody will die as she did in that spot.

Understand that often the outcome is different than what we hope, but the fight is important to us when we feel that someone needs to take some of the responsibility.

Bonnie Dear, I am glad that you napped today, what a good thing to do for your spirit and body.  thanks  for your words here,  and I am glad that I am  of any help.

Remember, some days we go back to one hour at a time, but you will get to the place where it is one day at a time, then two. 

My heart is full,

Dee

[mamabets]

For summergirl~ If you go to the Home page here on Beyond Indigo, look over to the left and scroll down, you will find Store... Under it, there is a link for Grieving Gifts~ Look through there, and perhaps you will be able to find something special that will grab you for a rememberance gift to yourself...

You may feel it as a gift from Jessica, with love....

The neighborhood that I live in is called "The Hamptons" here in North Carolina...Beaches are far away, but one day I will find my way back to one, as I do get to Florida some. You never know when the beaches will be "calling" my weary soul!!

I don't get down there often, and when I do it is never for more than a few days, so I am chock full of visits when I go... Limited to time...xoxo

Bless your heart always, and know that I think of you so much... 

Can't wait to see pictures of Baby Madison Jessica!!

LOVE

mamabets 

[mikesmum]

The ocean is the one thing that grounds and heals me.  After Mikes funeral I felt so lost so disconnection.   

I went to the ocean.  Kilcunda/Philip Island.  I drove 2hrs, no plans.  When I finally realised I needed to rest, I went to a Motel.  The owners were only new to the business.  I don't know how much sense I made that day, but they let me have a room for the next 4 nights for 1/3 of the price.   They organised for a local Massage therapist to visit with me the next day.  She was amazing.  My vocabulary consisted of 'my son died'..nothing much else.  She blended oils to soothe my mind, relax my body and embrace my soul.  After the massage she returned with a gift, oils, a body spray, candle and wheat pack (hot pack).  No words.  Just an unspoken understanding and lots of hugs.  She had never lost anyone.   The ocean and I kept company for those days........it kept me from the finality of the abyss.

Patti - Yep the jargon the moves the language and the interpretation.....all another world.  My barrister is a wonderful man.  He has warned me of the oppositions possible tack.  Like I said once before...it ain't going to be pretty.  But if I don't try, any Dispatcher/Calltaker that finds themselves, god forbid, in this situation will never be able to receive Works compensation payments or assistance should they be unable to work in that field again. 

Dee - You are amazing. The timing is so true.  We mark time through the pregnancy and growing years......we continue to mark time with bittersweet memories along this journey.   I have been told the process of courts and battles are won or lost on the preparidness of people to 'stick it out'.  The community where you live have reaped the rewards of your long battle....and in turn ERi is remembered for all time.

Bonnie - I was really worried in the beginning as to how tired I was and how little sleep I could actually manage.  My psych told me 'snooze when you can'  Regulation times for eating and sleeping no longer part of my 'daily routine'.

To all, as always, your strengths and resolve will follow me (no skirt its too cold) to Court tomorrow......Thank you all......Trudi

 

 

[heathershope]

mikesmomrs..

I just told someone the other day thank you for TELLING me they had thought of Heather.  It was a co-worker of hers and she told me that she had smelled someone wearing Sweetpea and it made her think of Heather.  Of course I teared up immediately and she quickly started to apologize for upsetting me.  I stopped her and told her I was crying because to know that someone was thinking of and remembering Heather was the greastest gift to me.  I told her I didn't know if people just don't think of her or they just don't tell me if they do.  But for me an out of the blue "I was thinking of Heather" is the most wonderful thing you can say to me.  It doesn't happen often enough, I think people think it's not appropriate. I wish more people knew how great it really is.  

I wish I had a black wristband.  I do have the LIVE LOVE LAUGH cross tattoo on my wrist and many people ask me about that but when I tell them it's a tribute to my daughter who died I get a blank stare, an "OH, I'm sorry" and quick exit from me if possible but at least the conversation.  It's so lonely to not be able to talk about your kids because they have died.  It's totally okay for people to talk about thier kids if they are alive, but man let the dead kids come out in conversation and watch them run.  Sorry, I am rambling.  I just love so much to talk about Heather but I am so tired of the eye roll if it makes people uncomfortable, like "not again".

That's why it's so nice here, you can talk about your kids all you want and no one gets sick of hearing about it.

Hoping you have a good day today.

Terri

 

[heathershope]

"LOST A CHILD, GAINED AN ANGEL" LOVE IT!!...I have heard many time that the second year is harder than the first.  It makes sense because of the shock factor but I can't imagine the "worse" part.  Kinda scares me a little.  We will be at 11 mos on April 12...then one year May 12.  All I can think of right now is that after 2pm on May 12 I can never look back and say this time last year Heather was....the only answer is gone already.

Heather died the day before Mothers day last year so in essence this will be my second Mothers Day without her but it feels like the first because I didn't even register the occurrance of the first.  I was in the middle of a nightmare.  And since the dates are different this year it will be like two anniversaries.  I hope someday to be able to see mothers day as something other than the day after my daughter died.  the two are connected in my mind forever it seems.  Unfortunately with cancer you have so many anniversary dates...diagnosis, treatments, relapse, beginning of decline and finally death.  Everything also becomes BC and AC..before and after cancer.  I can't tell you how many sentences start with before Heather was sick or when Heather was sick or after Heather died. WILL THIS EVER STOP?  Someday will I just say the sentence and drop the qualifier?

Having said that I empathize so much with those of you who lost your children suddenly.  There just is no good way to lose your heart is there? And losing your heart, or at least part of it is exactly how it feels.

Today is a beautiful sunshiny day here in Grand Rapids, MI so let me close by wishing you all sunshine and a reason to smile.  Mine is my grand-daughter clamouring for my attention now.  So God Bless you all and so long for now.

Terri

 

 

[daveydow1]

Heathershope,

  First, let me say I am sorry for your loss of your dear daughter, Heather.

I can so relate to what you said about your dear daughter passing  over

the day before Mother's Day.  My son, Dave, was killed the day before

Father's Day (2003).  Yes, the day is burned into our minds forevermore.

Dave was on his way to buy his dad a Father's Day present, and to get

fitted for his tux for his sister's wedding.  He died within the hour after

the highway accident. The months leading up to the first anniversary of

your daughter's passing is a really hard time---as you say, everything is

in our minds as  "before"  and "after".  I will pray that you can somehow

find some measure of comfort in your memories of dear Heather.

Take care.                                   

                     Daveysmom, Sherry

[4everjoeysmom]

I talk about Joey all the time in my ministry work.  And while many at first are shocked to hear, they also find comfort and hope as I keep talking and they get to see how God has worked it out from then to now and continually....  I guess it depends on the individual circumstances of how and when we are discussing our children as to the reaction we receive.  I am blessed that I can talk openly and freely, and not feel awkward by someone else's reaction......  I am thankful for that and to God for opening up that avenue.

I guess my bumper sticker would read:

THANK GOD for My JOEY, My Joy, Aug 7, 1982 -July 31, 2006, Until We Meet Again!

Blessings and Peace, Claudia

[kalimac]

Well, you have all got me thinking about putting some type of 'In Memory' for Nathan on our cars. I think I'll talk it over with my husband to see what he thinks.

As for others noting the deaths and dates, we are still in the fairly early stages of this grief. Nathan died February 11th . . which just happened to be my birthday. As you can all imagine it was terribly bittersweet for me. We have always celebrated each others birthdays with cake, ice cream, and a family gathering . . and my daughter did bring me something on that day . . but everything is rather a blur. I do not know yet how I feel about my darling son dying on my birthday . . I suppose I will not know the full impact until my next birthday .. I don't know ..   there are some who think there is some type of significance to this happening . .but, again I don't know. Still miss him like crazy . . although I can feel him everywhere . . and when I am sad I can hear his voice telling me he loves me and that he is okay. I still hear it. When I really start to despair . .it is that thought and voice that keeps me sane and I immediately calm down. Maybe next year when the day arrives . . I'll hear him whisper in my ear, "Happy Birthday, Mom." Just the way he always did. I hope I can feel and hear him than as I do now.

One of my sons dear friends (he had three best friends who rushed home from across the country to be at his side when they found out he was dying) . . my husband called him to see how he was doing the other day. Peter was at our house the day that Nathan died (all three of his best friends were there) and we worry about him a little more than the others because his father was a police officer and was killed in the line of duty when Peter was around 8 years old. So . . we worry about him . .even though his mother (another good friend) also happens to be a chaplain for the game warden service (she goes out into the woods when a child is missing, or a fisherman drowns, or a hunter is killed). Anyway, Peter told my husband that he had had a dream about Nathan. The two boys had been out in our back yard . . the scene of many Whiffle ball games . . and ping pong tournaments . . and Nathan had spoken to Peter. He smiled and said, "I'm okay, Pete."  When my husband told me this I just could not stop smiling . . I know that this must have brought Peter such comfort and I did have a few tears over it.  Nathan was blessed to have such good friends. they all loved him too and I know that they hurt in their own way about all this.

As for others 'forgetting' or not speaking about the death . . I have not yet encountered this, but I am sure that I will. I am not one to let people 'forget'. LOL. Because I bring it up. The other day I was in the local WalMart picking up a perscription and the Pharmacist left the counter and room she was in and came out to see me. She placed her hand on my shoulder and I could tell she was speaking from her heart as she told me how sorry she was about my son. I thought it was very touching that the Pharmacist would even remember my son, let alone know already that he had died.

Forgive me for not answering each one of you . . this forum makes my head spin and it is difficult to sort everyone out. But I do care about each of your stories . . I have read back on the board . . I hope for peace and comfort for each of you.

Patty R

Mom to Nathan, dx with abdominal sarcoma, stage IV

11.13.87 - 2.11.08

[mikesmum]

Patti - it is still so soon after losing your son.  Nothing needs to be decided, the urgency in many things pale into insignificance when you have lost a child.  To respond to each posting can be daunting....just to know you visit and if need can post....never to feel alone on this journey is something unique here.

The dates are always something that hit home.  For you your birthday, others mothers day, fathers day.  For us Emily (grandbabies) birthday.  But really, every day since Mike died has been hard, for many reasons, mostly cause its a day without him.

As for the reactions of others when they hear of Mikes death, its almost as if I need to comfort them. They are truly sorry for my loss and I gues thankful they haven't had to experience it..........I am glad they haven't, it isn't something you want anyone else to go through.  It has however, given me an insight to provide support to others on this journey, both here and within our community.  Kind of a deversion from my own personal loss........

Take care - baby steps......sometimes its all you can manage.

 

[johnnysmama]

Dear everyone-

First,  I want to say thank you to everyone for being there for me here. there is never a time i have to be done grieving and being sad on here and I am sooo thankfulfor that.

 

Dear terri

Thank you for saying what i am feeling about people not wanting to mention our kids as they are afraid to make us sad and don't want to be uncomfortable themselves.

i am not sure I wouldnt be JUST like them if I had not gone through losing my son but at the same time-SAY HIS NAME once in a while. Let me know i am not the only one that remembers he lived.

Also, I feel the same as you about listening to all the living children stories. I love that they are proud and loving about them but i am about Johnny too. Can't I tell a Johnny story too? Won't you listen just for a minute and not look so pained? I am not angry-just disappointed that we as a society have put such a bad conotation on death-we live in a stay young forever, fool death society so it is a hush hush bad depressing thing to talk about. It is so sad.  We need to still celebrate our children's lives and the love we still have for them.  That love doesn't go away just because they physically did.  Love is invisible but our kids lives were not. 

[summergirl]

To all - talking about our children - yes I find so many who choose to change the subject, look away. Friday night my husband and I went out to meet some friends for a couple of drinks and I looked out the window and there were a bunch of young people out there and I knew that they were Jessica's friends although I had not seen them for some time - I went outside and they all came up to me and asked how I am doing and before I knew it they were telling me memories they have of Jessica, how they think of her every day and how much she will always be missed!! My heart was so happy to be able to hear Jessica's name mentioned so many times and the memories they shared with me were so wonderful. Like I have said before the young one's seem to get it so much more then those of my age - family and friends seem to just want to glide right over it when I begin to say something about Jessica and they quickly change the subject to something more "lighter" - it pains me so but I have come to believe that they are the ones who are uncomfortable and I cannot have hard feelings toward them.

I have been slipping into the depression mode these past few days and nothing I do seems to work to bring myself back up - I do not want to "go there" yet cannot find the strength or ability to stop it - is this normal?? what is normal anymore?? when will the day come when I can wake up and find a normal day??

We all have our "dates" that bring us down and the worst for me is Tavian's birthday as his birthday is February 11 and we lost Jessica exactly 7 days later on the 18th. His birthday that year was a Friday night and the whole family was at my mother-in-laws to celebrate his big "4" - the following Friday night Jessica left us. The pictures from Tavian's birthday party are the last ones of have of Jessica. It is hard to celebrate Tavian's birthday knowing the Angel Date is in one week. Mothers Day is also hard as her and Tavian always brought me a red rose and a card and we spent the day together, Jessica's birthday is diffacult as she LOVED her birthday, she was born July 21st but she spent the whole month of July celebrating - always saying "it's my birthday month". Every day is hard but some more than others.

mambets - thanks for the info on the place to go to find a rememberance necklace or bracelet - I will go there and look.

Take care my friends, I need you all. Kathy

[ericasmom]

Hello Everyone,

on the subject of people feeling uncomfortable...I have to figure that it needs to be their problem, not mine and so I plow ahead and speak of my daughter, I speak of the fund I have in her name, and I tell stories about her to join in on stories others are telling about their living children. She is real after all, and she will always be my daughter. I do believe that part of my work is to educate. My students have learned that even when someone cannot be seen anymore, they will never be forgotton. They hear Eri stories and of course Jonathan stories, and they enjoy knowing who the girl is/was. On Friday, the 4th, we will go out to the edgeof the park and decorate the Tree that was planted in her name, and we will listen to Bob Marly sing Three Bird which we sang at her funeral, along with many other of her favorite songs. My students over the past 4 seasons of teaching, have come to be less afraid of death, more able to comfort others going thorugh loss, than had they not gotton to know a person who has lost someone so dear.

My favorite saying after Eri died was something like this;

No matter what type of living creature on Earth

no matter how long or short their lives

It was a full life, a full circle.

We have their lifetimes of stories and there is no good reason to shove them in a box only to be opened in the darkness of our rooms when we are alone, bring them into the light where you raised them and hold them the best way we can...showing others that they too should be known. That we too are proud of our babies.

Love you all,

Dee

[ericasmom]

Oh forgot to say;

they say it is harder the second year, and it can be in some ways but definitely not like the first in the horror part. So as some things soften a bit, other things come to the foreground like it is no  longer the first year that we have Thanksgiving without her...it is the whole march of time thing and the lack of others noting them. The realness has always been with me so that part was not a shock to me the second year. I think that some of the sadness  just pours out. I went to therapy in my fifth month without Eri, and stayed until I reached the 3 year mark, went back with some Post traumatic stuff at year 4 when another young lady from our neighborhood, who both my kids grew up near and with, drowned in Alaska. It really threw me for a loop and I went back to have some time with my therapist which helped immeasureably. I would definitely go if you are able, to talk on a weekly basis about life now. It helped me to regulate my life in the new world.

Hey Heathersmom, I like your city of Grand Rapids, had to fight in court there.

[heathershope]

I feel as Dee does that I too will continue with my stories whether it makes people uncomfortable or not, because I too have the right to share my memories and pride in my child whether or not she is here with us or gone.  I am fortunate that the girls I work with are great, we talk about Heather all the time.  My husbands co-workers are not as comfortable with it,  and our nieghbors...oh my God, only two even acknowledged it and then it was only once a week or so after she died.  Now they pass us (quickly) with a snile and a wave.  We had jusy moved into the nieghborhood when Heather was diagnosed, so they only saw her around for a year, but come on, human decency, Please!

Patty..even though Heather died almost 11 months ago, I just recently started coming to BI, so I know how you feel about confusing who with which child and story.  i am starting to catch on but mostly I just respond to the topics right now and know that everyone knows anything written can be for them as well.  I am amazed that you joined so early into the loss.  I spent the first three months thinking "I want to talk to someone who knows what I'm going through" but having no idea where to start or the energy to find out.  For the record...you will feel your son's presence just as strong down the road as you do now, that does not go away.  I was afraid it would but my experience is it's just as strong, sometimes stronger.

Here's a big huge question I have that maybe no one else is even experiencing...BUT, does anyone have those people, whether it be friends or relatives that make the loss of your child just as devastating to them as it is to you?  Like when I am especialy down and need to talk and am talking to these few people in particular it suddenly becomes a plural experience "when we lost Heather it felt like losing a part of ourselves" and "we need to find a way through this pain" or " I feel like I can't get through the day sometimes when I think of Heather, I just can't breath"  I don't know how to describe it because of course everyone grieves and is devastated, but a few people act as if their pain is as great as mine, like she was their daughter.  I don't mean to sound petty, but sometimes I just want to say (and sometimes in my worse moods I do say) YEAH...I know how YOU feel, it was MY daughter remember!!!!  Obviously I just had one of these conversation before I got on line.  I called because I needed to talk and ended up hearing all the negative ways Heathers death has affected this person and what a tough time she is having.  Just wondering if anyone else has this and if so how do you handle it. 

Thanks for listening

Terri

[4everjoeysmom]

Terri, I have experienced that at various times--when I needed to talk about my pain and Joey, and the other participant dominated and was the one to melt down.  At first I was shocked and didn't know how to deal with that, because in the early stages I was much more selfish to "my cause".  I was very needy.  And that's normal.  There is NOTHING WRONG with feeling that way.  It's something I believe all of us have gone through.  BUT... what I have learned over time is that Joey was SO loved.  He affected the lives of many.  AND I learned through the revelation that others felt pain probably as deeply as mine on some levels (but not all levels, of course) that Joey left a HUGE legacy in the lives of other people.  He left a void in them too, and they sincerely miss him.  The sincerely pain and grieve for him.  In a way that opened my eyes to just how special Joey was, not just to me and his immediate family, but to his extended family and his friends, neighbors, people he met at the supermarket, on the job and in school.  What more could I ask for in how others think and feel about his life here than missing him so deeply that he has gone?  Again, that was a revelation only with time and being able to sort through my emotions and needs through the various stages of grief.  I'm glad you found BI, because you can melt down here and not have someone else dominate your thoughts and words....  and with that, I do hope and pray that in time you do find the support and compassion, the listening ear and the generously strong shoulder to cry on.  Bless you and hugs, Claudia (Joey's Mom)

[heartbeataway]

Terri,

I've had a family member take credit for "Jason's love of family" and I had another who compared the loss of Jason to her estrangement from her son.

I've had folks change the subject when I mention his name or get upset.

I guess everyone has to deal with things the way they feel.  I know who to call for comfort and who not to call for comfort. My husband is my rock. He will take my call anytime and interrrupt a meeting at any time if I need him. I think that's because he understands and feels the same pain that I do. You can't plan the panic or despair that enters your soul from time to time.

Nothing about this journey is easy ...........

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[holleigh]

My sister actually compared the loss of my 8-year old daughter (Jaiden) to the loss of her dog.  She also tried to "take credit" for Jaiden's loving nature.  She is NOT a support person in my life and I try to avoid her whenever possible.

My husband is also my rock as is my best friend Wendy who happened to be Jaiden's Godmother.

My loss is very new- Jaiden was injured in December and she only died on January 14, 2008.  I have not yet determined if I will even have the strength to go on.  For now I live moment by moment and that is only b/c I have 3 other children who need me.  I was involved in the accident that caused her death and I cannot deal with the guilt and self-hatred.  I am constantly bargaining with God to no avail....

Whenever I contemplate taking actions to be with Jaiden, God seems to send me a message.  Yesterday was a very bad day for me and I was overcome with these thoughts.  We had to go to my nieces 7th birthday party and it was pure torture (Jaiden was 8).  At the party my Mom gave me a big hug and whispered in my ear "Today has been such a hard day.  I just couldn't stop crying."  This made me feel like I have to stay because it would destroy her to lose me on top of losing Jaiden.

But then for me to even get through the moments of each day is torture too.  How can she be dead???  She was in the 3rd grade, she was beautiful and healthy and she was SUCH a good person.  Of all my children, she touched the most people.  She was truly an earth angel- so why would God take her???  She was SOOO LOVED, I just cannot comprehend going on without her....

~holleigh

[briansdad]

I went to Church today and a point was made that may apply to all of us. A light no matter how dim, gets brighter the darker it gets. I had never thought of it that way.The way I can apply it to our situation is the memories of our children is the light.Our pain and grief is the darkness.I do remember the early weeks how dark it was and I do remember going through pictures and video of Brian to light my way through the following months.So if we can think of our memories of our kids as the tinyest of candles and the grief and depression as the dark.we need to remember the blacker the night the brighter that candle.

Hang in there,

our kids would want us to.

Greg

 

[mikesmum]

Holleigh - So early in such a journey.  My heart goes out to you.  A baby of 8, is so young.  I remember those days, when being here was harder than leaving.  To sleep a thousand hours and wake past this pain, past this ache......it was my only thought for so long. To join my son, to see him again my focus. 

Many will amaze you with their stories of 'I know how you feel".  Their experience for them may equate to your loss....but believe me, they have no idea.  The loss of a child, no matter what age, is an assault on the very core of our being.

It won't seem like it, but over time it will soften, these feelings of being lost, not wanting to stay.  But it won't ever feel the same.  There are threads here from parents that have lost young children......many have been here awhile and their stories are similar to yours.

Kathy - The 'new normal' everyone speaks of suxs big time.  I yearn for the old normal, warts and all.  It might not have been perfect, or easy but I had my son.  I know the dark cloak of depression, I wear it without even knowing now.  Constantly I am reminded to look at what I have, what Mike would want for me, for us now and even though it might be small, there is a sliver of light that I focus on....

To all, many many more join this journey.......know you are not alone, come often post when you can.........Take Care, Trudi

[daveydow1]

Briansdad,

   I agree, that our memories of our children are very definitely points

of light in the dark times we must endure on this journey. Some people

will fault us for "trying to live in the past", and will actually say so. It has

happened to me. My only answer to them (if one is even necessary) is

that when it comes to my son, and daughter, memories are all that I have.

Thanks for sharing your message of light.   Peace to all.

                                    Daveysmom,   Sherry

[daveydow1]

For Holliegh,

    I am so very sorry for your loss of your dear daughter, Jaiden, a sweet

   child of only 8.  There is very little anyone could say, to help you, at

  this early point.  Going to the little girl's birthday party must have been

  especially painful for you. I hope you will keep coming to BI to read, and

  post if you feel up to it.  Everyone here knows your pain. My son, Davey,

  died 6/2003. I have found this site to be a lifeline of understanding people

 who are not judgemental, and think they can "fix" things for you, as the

 general population sometimes does.  Everyone is free to go along at their

 own pace.  My heart goes out to you now.  Peace be with you.

                                        Daveysmom,  Sherry 

[heathershope]

Holliegh...  I don't know your exact pain but i know the pain you speak of when you don't think you can take that next breath.  When you think there is no possible way you can make it through another minute let alone lifetime without your child.  When I was there, and I was, I had a bottle of pills in my hand one time, what brought me back was thinking of my son and the pain it would cause him, like your mother, would you want to visit that pain on someone else.  I know that is such a crappy answer but it's the only truth I found.  My belief system tells me it would be wrong to purposely join Heather, but in that darkest of all moments, that isn't always enough. 

I can tell you that although I still have those moments, they are fewer and farther between.  Each time you get there, remember you got through it the last time...second by second, breath by breath, you can do it again, even when you feel like you don't really care.  I don't fear death and if it came upon me naturally I would probably welcome it but in Heathers honor I will go on and find a way to carry her legacy forward.  

I am the most sorry that you feel guilt.  I wish I knew what to say to you there, but I don't have your experience.   You would never conciously do anything in the world to hurt your loved one and an accident is just that, an accident.  I wished that I would have been the one to have Heathers cancer.  I think instead of guilt it could be looked at like any good parent you would want to take your childs pain and hurt, and you couldn't this time. That is sorrow at it's greatest.   I felt helpless watching Heather suffer and knowing there was nothing I could do about it.  I hope you find a way to change the feelings of guilt into something else, probably something just as painful, but guilt is such a hard emotion to carry.  There is enough anger and sorrow and panic and fear...the list goes on and on, that you feel when you lose a child, but don't burden yourself with guilt.  I think as parents we all feel some guilt that we couldn't protect our children because that is what we are supposed to do.  But some things are just out of our control.  Believe me I was a self professed control FREAK before Heather got sick.  It was a tough lesson to learn that I don't really control anything except my actions.  That's scares the crap out of me, but it is a truth.  I hope and pray you can find some peace.

The best advice I got here at BI is take it minute by minute because if you look too far into the future it overwhelms you and you panic. 

Terri

[johnnysmama]

briansdad

thank you for that beautiful analogy-it helped me a lot and i will carry that light visual with me this week during my dark times...

Kay

[summergirl]

Holleigh - I am so very sorry for your loss of little Jaiden and for the guilt you are carrying along with the grief, pain and every other emotion there is when we lose a child. I lost my daughter Jessica, 26, suddenly, of a rare heart disease that no one knew she had. I didn't find BI until July of 2007 and after a month or so I was wishing so much that I had found BI much sooner then I did. When Jessica left us all I wanted to do was be with her, I begged God to bring her back and take me, I even kept a blanket in my car as I wanted to just go lie with her and never leave. But, my beautiful Jessica left my husband and I a beautiful 4 year old grandson whom we have custody of (after a long court battle) and every time I looked at him I knew I had to keep moving forward one baby step at a time - he had went to sleep with a mommy and woke up without one - how could I possibly leave him - he truely was my savior and continues to be many times over. Having other children who love you and need you will help you to move forward although I know there will be times when you "don't care" about anything else except your loss of Jaiden, it is ok to feel that way. It is ok to feel what you feel, when you feel it and not let anyone take that from you - I have smashed quite a few things and thrown some huge rocks, I have screamed Jessica's name and I have drowned in my tears but I still breathe, I still move forward slowly but surely. Time has softened the pain but I still wear it like a heavy coat in the summer time heat. I too felt guilt because as a mother how could I not know there was something wrong with my baby? As was said we all want to protect our children and keep them from any type of harm yet there are things we have no control over and I am so sorry that you are feeling the pain and guilt of your daughters passing - it is not your fault - it was a terrible accident and someday I pray that you will see that. Be good to yourself and your family and post here when you can and say what you need to say, be who you are and know that we are all here to help you as much as we can - God Bless you and yours.

Briansdad - thank you so much for your words "the blacker the night the brighter the candle" - I so much needed those words today as my world has been black these past days - my heart is lighter thanks to you - BIG SMILE.

Terri - I too have had the experience of others behaving as though the loss of Jessica was and is harder for them then for me - the first time I was at a loss of what to do or say to that person and I have not yet talked to her again. I even had someone ask me to see her death certificate!!! The only person I truely know feels the intense pain is her best friend Ashley, many times I have had to comfort her and help her as I know Jessica would want me too. There are others who I have comforted and again as was said it makes me realize just how much Jessica was and is loved so I try to take comfort in that. 

But to compare losing a child to losing a dog is beyond words for me, I love my Kaylie dog but when she leaves us I will grieve but no pain will ever hurt me more or even come close to the pain of losing my Jessica.

God Bless you all here at BI - as I mentioned these past few days have been very dark for me and when I come here I start to see the light again - I will never leave this site for the day will come when I can help someone else. Take care each and all. Peace be with you - Kathy

Jessica, Jessica, Jessica

Michael, Micheal, Micael

 Eri, Eri, Eri

Jaiden, Jaiden, Jaiden

Brian, Brian, Brian

Davey, Davey, Davey

Jason, Jason, Jason

Johnny, Johnny, Johnny

For those that I have missed give me a little time and I will have them all memorized. With love and prayers - Kathy   

[heartbeataway]

Briansdad, Greg,

You have no idea the comfort you have given me.  You don't know me nor did you know my son. But you have touched me time and again with your postings.  Thanks!

Holleigh,

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I know what my grief is like and I remember well the first months on this journey. My last thought before going to sleep at night was begging not to wake up. It was just too painful.  It's been eleven months and two days and it's still painful. But two things made a big impression on me and I will share them for what it's worth. 

• I could not even compose myself most of the time. I had one child and he died suddenly, unexpectantly of heart disease. His first manifestation was sudden death. Friends had talked us into going out to dinner one night. On the way home, I was crying and my husband ask me to talk to him. Don't keep your feelings inside, it's better to talk he said.  I told him that I couldn't do "this" anymore.  I didn't want to do "this" anymore.  It's just too painful. I want to be with Jason. Tears slowly came down his cheeks and he told me that he knew exactly how I felt. He had the same feelings. But, he said, you're acting like Jason is the only person you ever loved.  What about me and the other people who love you?  Why would you want to put me through this pain again ..... I love my husband dearly.  I wouldn't hurt him for anything.
  
• I was watching some show on television. A mom had lost a child and she just didn't want to go on. She couldn't take care of her remaining children or herself. She found no reason to go on. I believe the name of the person on the show was Zuloft (?).  I only remember it started with a Z.  He told her that in a way she was punishing the remaining children for living. She was so caught up in her grief that she was forgetting that they too were grieving. They needed her guidance and they needed to grieve together for their loss.

Nothing is going to bring back our precious children. We can only do our best to make them proud of us. Another thing that might be helpful to you is a trailor for a film. Type, "The Space Between Breaths" into your search engine. I've watched this a hundred times.  I can't wait to see the movie. I wish you sleep so that you can dream, comfort for your heavy heart and peace for your broken spirit. Grief doesn't go away but with good folks like the ones here at Beyond Indigo, it gets lighter and seems easier at times to carry. Pour out your heart with your keyboard. We're here and we're listening with our eyes and our hearts.

Love! From one grieving Mom to another, JasonH'smom, Bonnie

[ericasmom]

Kathy,

thanks for saying Eri's name. I like the ryhthm you create when you say our children's names.

Holleigh, my goodness you are going  through a huge and awful storm and I am so glad that you found your way to this site. MOst of us did not find this place until several months or more had passed. Right there you are showing your survival skills. Those skills are imperative right now when you are feeling the pull of leaving this world.

My girl left suddenly at the age of 19, and while I had no younger children to care for or raise, my son, who is 2 years older than Eri, was grieving deeply like me. It certainly must have crossed his mind as well, to leave all of the pain, but when you are feeling as sad as this ache makes you...more loss for him, or for me, or for the friends and cousins of my kids would have only made the world more hopeless for them.

HOPE. A word that may seem foreign right now, jplease know that hope is real. For instance, I hope that you will wake up tomorrow, or one day soon, and know that you are loved by your children at home and by your angel. I know that the people that love you, HOPE that you and the kids will find your way through your grief. One day you will be able to have hope again, but right now you must just figure on getting through the night.

 Nightime is very hard for many parents new to grief. Seems that all the bad in the world grows bigger or more unbearable and so come on line and write, write all you are feeling. You will not scare anyone away, you will not cause anyone to feel uncomfortable, we have all been in the twilight zone you are now living. Grief has stages and you are in the beginning stages of it. Some people delay grief and try to stay away from it in order to not go through it, but eventually you will need to go through it in order to find your life, in order to find light, and in order to find hope again. Guilt seems a universal theme for we parents. No matter how our children left us there is guilt. Try to be good to yourself Holleigh, try to make sure that you are taking care of yourself even though you have a sense of guilt. Drink plenty of water and take a daily vitamin to give you what you may be missing if you are not eating well. Try to sleep when you are able. Grief is very hard on our bodies and our souls. It must be very hard to tend to the needs of your other children, who are also grieving, when you need to be alone with some of this...but I fully understand how the little ones are the saviors of many here. Those babies, toddlers, and all the ages our children are, need us. And that has kept many parents grounded in this world, learning how to live in this new arrangement. There is nothing easy about it, but there is hope.

Love,

Dee

[wyomingsal]

Holleigh,

I am so sorry that people can be so insensitive.  I also had someone compare my loss with the loss of their dog.  I was speechless.  How do you respond to that?  I know that for people who haven't experienced deep loss, the loss of a dog can be hard, but there is absolutely no comparison between the two.  A child is the most difficult loss to face ever.  I have lost my Mom and one of my sisters and the worst by far is losing my precious son Joshua.  The pain and hurt of missing them is so hard.  It is so shocking.  As that first month passes the pain actually gets worse because you start to realize emotionally that it is true.  You can't believe it.  You don't want to believe it.  It just doesn't make sense to not have them with us.  I am only 8 months out right now so I can't comment on the second year, but it does get better even in the first year.  Instead of crying all the time it spreads out a little.  I have days when I don't cry at all.  Then something triggers the pain and I start in again.  The intense grief waves come farther and farther apart but they still hit very hard.  Please be gentle with yourself.  Live each day one moment at a time for awhile.  Cry if you feel like it.  Smile if you can and try not to feel guilty if you do have a moment of not agonizing in pain. 

Peace and blessings upon you,

Sal

[mikesmum]

And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse................I spent this entire day in the stand giving my account of Jan 18 07.  I was cross examined by the companies legals for 3hrs.  Their questions went from why I was being treated for migraines in 2005 to 'you weren't really working were you?

But wait for it....after 2hrs and much tooing and frooing they introduced a document that we weren't made aware of till today.   It was a printout of Micheals memorial Guest Book entries....Yep they started with 'you write to people on Beyong Purple dont you??'  I said no, cause it wasn't purple...........then I saw Mikes photo and the entries................"you are feeling guilty about your sons death aren't you...you say so here dont you.......you say your sorry..........you say it isn't getting easier".....I was gobsmacked.....tears, sobs and unable to breath....I just couldn't believe what they accessed to prove I was a grieving Mum...........

For those of you with pending cases.....not sure to what length they go to here, but these guys today even went into Coroners reports, possible outcomes and my relationship with Mal.  The contention was I blamed him for Mike dying.

But I will not be broken.............they will not win...........it doesn't take a brilliant mind to know I am a grieving mother, that everyday without Mike I question in some way why or what if..........

Thank you all - its your stories and strengths that keep me upright and above ground.....

Micheal.......seeing your picture in court seemed to be an insult to your memory.  It trivialised essence of the site.....It was our site, yours mine Melissas Stevens to talk with you and share our deepest thoughts.  Those who visit can see the man and know the love we feel.

Take care baby boy..........fly high with Jess............a Dragonfly person!!!!  Love you my son my son........

If the Barrister for ESTA is downloading this......your Mother must be so proud of the work you do.......................I personally would be ashamed......

 

[mikesmomrs]

Holleigh:  I also am so sorry about the loss of your precious daughter, Jaiden.  And I am also sorry that people can be so insensitive.  I haven't had the "I lost my dog" comparison, but I had the "I know.  I am going through the same thing with my dad (in reference to our son having died from cancer)."  Losing your dad or mom is a sad, sad thing, (I lost my dad when I was only 25, and my mom when I was 39) and you lose a sense of yourself when that happens--suddenly, you are the "older generation."  But it does not compare to losing a child.  No other loss even comes close.  Life's natural course predicts that you will lose your parents...it is the way nature flows.  It is heartbreaking, to be sure, and you always carry their memories in your heart.  But losing your child is a contradiction to nature...a contradiction to life; such a huge and intense insult to your heart that it will never heal completely.    And Holleigh, you are so new to this journey, and the pain is so fresh.  (Our son Mike died on October 14, 2006, from brain cancer, a the age of 31.) 

As others have said, time will soften your pain....I found this so hard to believe those first months, but I have found that it is true...I still cry every day, but I don't scream and break down completely and lose my breath every day, like I did initially.  I still have days when I wish I didn't have to breathe again...but I know that Mike is shaking his finger at me, telling me "Remember, mom, I told you not to stop living because I do.  You have to go on and live your life."   Some days I find it terribly hard, but I know that the pain I would bring my family, my husband and daughters and grandchildren would never ever be worth my leaving before my time. 

The other day, I was at our new home by myself, trying to do some painting, getting it ready to move into, and instead of working, I was sitting at the table, crying.  Every time I would bring myself from crying to just sobbing, and telling myself I needed to get to work, I would just break down again and wail.  I just couldn't seem to stop.  My thoughts kept taking me to places of pain, thinking of how much I wish I could see Mike walk in the door, how can I go on, how can we leave our home where he grew up and start over in a new home, etc., etc.  Somewhere through all of this, in the back of my mind ran Mike's admonition..."don't stop living because I do."  Suddenly, a loud noise interrupted my downward spiral, and I looked up in time to see a bird hurl itself at the dining room window, actually making the glass shake...as if to say "Hey, remember what I said, mom---you have a life to live, get up and do it!!!"   This was SO Mike...I just knew I had to leave my sorrow somehow and bring myself back to activity.  Yes, those bad days still come, but they are further apart, as others have said, and sometimes our loved ones find ways to remind us that we are still alive and must live, even if sometimes it can only be because we must honor and celebrate their lives by living our own. 

So many of us here are further along in our journey, Holleigh, and though we still (and always will)  need comfort, we are also at a place where we sometimes can provide comfort to those so new to this ride.  Please come back and visit---read, post, whatever you need to do at the time; please know that we are always here, always ready to listen, ready to send you strength and love, to help you along. 

love and peace to you,

carol  mikesmomrs 

[mikesmomrs]

Oh, dear God, Trudi...I am so very, very sorry that you are having to go through this living hell...how can they do this?  how can they even think that being in that room, listening to what was happening to Michael, could not have impacted you in a traumatic way, adding to the grief that any parent would feel over losing their child?  How could they trivialize your postings?  I just can't fathom their reasoning, other than, of course, greed.  I second your statement about the barrister...I don't know how he can keep a mirror in his home, if in fact he does...

I don't think there is one of us here, or anywhere, who has lost a child, under ANY circumstances, who has not/does not feel guilt at one point or another, or often.  My son died of brain cancer...something I had no control over whatsover...and yet, I feel guilty about it...guilt that I am still alive...me, 63 years old...lived a full life, still alive, Mike, 31, and forever 31, gone.  Guilty that I am still living and he is not...what kind of thinking is that?  And yet, it is in my mind. 

How very much I wish that many of us could be there in that courtroom, though I am sure they would not listen to us anymore than they are listening to you.  They are only listening to themselves...but on second thought, I don't think they are even doing that...because if they were, they would hang their heads in shame. 

You are in my thoughts and prayers for strength, and love is being sent your way from all here, and most especially, from your precious Michael Shane.

love and peace,

carol 

[mikesmum]

Carol - Thanks for your support......I was so ready for their indifference to being there on the day, but I never in my wildest dreams thought a) they would find let alone download the Guest book from Mikes site or they would troll through this site to find my postings. 

I know it might sound a bit over the top, but seriously, I felt Mikes site was sacred.  It was truly the place where I email him with my inner most thoughts and feelings.  Melissa his sister also finds it great to 'talk' with Mike..........

We are back for day two tomorrow - it the battle of the psychs, but the bad news for them is their specialist now says he agrees with my psych.....PTSD as a result of working during the time Mike was receiving CPR and hearing it was not successful.

Truly, my strength comes from those that get it........all within these postings.  I feel Mike is with me....after the intial 'shock' of seeing his Guest book, I had to smile...they had downloaded his picture......the smiling handsome guy one..... My son My son.....

As for the guilt....these guys have no concept of grief, loss, or it impact on the human soul.  Perhaps they will at days end.

Thoughts to and your Mike.....another handsome guy, soaring to great heights! 

[mikesmomrs]

Trudi:  As for your Mike's site being "sacred," I consider our sites we have created for our children to be the same as a stone we would have engraved and put in place to honor them, or the urn in which we keep our own Mike's ashes---any of which is about as "scared" to us as our own beings---and more so, for each of us would certainly put our children's souls and lives before our very own, given the chance.  If that is "over the top," then I guess I (and likely all of us) will take that description as well. 

I will have you in my heart and mind tomorrow, throughout the day.  Know that you are being held in many hearts throughout the day.

I am so glad to hear that at least their 'speicialist' now agrees with your psych.  One step forward, for now at least. 

love and peace,

carol

[mikesmum]

Carol - yep, one step at a time....I guess I didn't realise just how easy it was for 'outsiders' to enter our sanctum for their own purpose..........But these sites are for me and mine, a place for reflection and yes they are truly as sacred as the life they represent.

I will take your thoughts and strengths with me tomorrow......Trudi

[briansdad]

Trudi, I have always worried about people doing exactly what you described. Those people have no conscience. They are also very observant..... NOT

Beyond Purple??? what a laugh. I didn't think people from down under had problems translating. But I forgot we're talking about lawyers.

 

[ericasmom]

Greetings all,

I have had people use some very insensitive comments as well, which angers me inside but then I have to stop and think how undeveloped their souls are to be able to say such stupid things.

An old boyfriend came up to me at the Farmers Market a few weeks after Eri passed. He held his heart and said, I just couldn't be near you in this, it is too big and I just couldn't be near your grief. I couldn' tcome to the funeral or the wake because of this.

I was not a very nice woman that day and replied, " I did not even notice." As though it is about him my goodness. The next summer I ran into him again at the market and he said how are you? I said I am working at being healthy. He said, OH YOU HAVE A LONG WAY TO GO BEFORE YOU ARE THROUGH THE HARDEST PART OF THIS." I think I just stared at him in disbelief and walked away.

An old friend also said, " Oh my God, how could you expect me to remember anything from that time..." in response to my question of "Remember the song we sang at Eri's funeral?" She went on to say; " my God, she was almost my daughter, closer to me than her aunts probably."

NOT true. I really hated that she was using my daughter's death to explain her memory, though I get it, it bugged me. And no, she wasn't almost your daughter.

Anyhow life goes on, and those are two people whose lives I am no longer involved with.

Carol, I love that Mike came to you in that moment of doubt, of how can we move from the home he grew up in, CRASH, the window. He was letting you know that it does not matter where you live, the important piece is that you live well. The home he grew up in is a shell, one that he loved but has let go of, like his body. Where you are does not matter, he will always know where you are. Isn't it lovely that he shook you from your thoughts to remind you of the NOW in life?

Mikesmum, my goodness, I do know that the people from AMTRAK, They grilled us as though we were not human, and showed us that really they were not human. They were heartless in the midst of all we were made to bring to the table. But you know what? Not even their ugliness could take away what we store in our hearts, EVER>

My heart to you,

Dee

[holleigh]

I am overwhelmed by all the heartfelt responses.  I have not yet mailed out thank you cards to the hundreds of people who helped us through our ordeal, so please forgive me for not responding to individual posts.  I cannot seem to find the strength to get organized or to do the standard daily tasks that simple living requires even yet.  I keep thinking this must all be some horrid nightmare.

Let me give a little history...  I was a single parent for almost 3 years.  I married my husband when my daughter was 5.  Soon after our wedding, we became pregnant and Jaiden was born when my oldest daughter was 6.  Right away we noticed that Lexi (older daughter) seemed jealous of Jaiden.  We treated both girls the same, and even include Lexi's bio-Dad in our lives to this very day.  He comes to every family party and he grew to love my other children as his own.

So in the years that followed we had 2 more children- another daughter who is now 5 (Aspen) and a son who is 2 (Gage).  Lexi is 14 and Jaiden was 8.

We moved to the town I grew up in and where my siblings still live with their children 5 years ago.  Jaiden had a cousin close to her age and in the same grade who was her best friend (Geena).  The rest of my nieces and nephews are all younger (age 3-7).  Lexi always felt left out and over the past 5 years has given us a really hard time with acting out and negative behavior.

Her bio-Dad, although a great person, tried to compsensate for not being a father figure by spoiling her with material things.  She would spend every other weekend with him and he never had any rules or responsibilities or expectations of her.  At our house, we had rules, chores, and stability.  We also did not spoil the kids b/c I am a SAHM and we are frugal with how se spend money.  They all have 529 funds, bank accounts and everything they need.  But we never went out to movies or out to dinner or just out to the mall the spend lots of money.  Lexi did this stuff with her Dad though, so in our eyes, she was the special one.

Jaiden was a ray of sunshine, always happy, always positive, always loving.  Lexi was a darker child, brooding often and much more introverted than Jaiden.  Long story short, Lexi was not very nice to Jaiden- in fact, she was mean most of the time and EVERYONE noticed this, especially Jaiden.  jaiden was very emotional and took it so personally when Lexi was mean to her.  Months before the accident things got really bad at our house with Lexi.  We were constantly battling- and we are not talking 'typical teen' behavior, she acted out really hateful and we were at our wits end.

So after jaiden's accident, Lexi was feeling really guilty.  She freaked out crying when she found out Jaiden was going to die.  She kept saying "I need to tell you I'm sorry!!"  We left her alone with Jaiden to talk with her and that seemed to help.

Jaiden passed a few days later and we finally came home.  We had been with her at the hospital since the moment of her accident- for 25 days in all.  We had come home for a couple of hours Christmas morning, but it was not any real celebration.  We missed Christmas and new years completely for the most part.  Our tree is still up (it is fake), I cannot take it down b/c I don't think it will ever go up again.

SO for the past few weeks things have been getting worse and worse with lexi.  Her negative behavior keeps growing.  I can barely deal with losing Jaiden and I just don't have the strength to keep fighting with her.  I really thought she would change after the accident and realize how hard this is for us.  I am sorry to ramble, the pressure is just getting so unbearable, I need to get it out to try to help me figure it out.

I am trying to be strong.  I just can't figure out how everyting got so completely f*'d up so quickly.  We were just getting ready for Christmas and we had made cookies all morning and now life is over.  Jaiden's gifts are all still wrapped in a pile in my room and her stocking is filled and she will never get to see any of it.  How can there really be a God who would let this happen and then compound our grief with my oldest daughter's behavior?

I am sorry to burden you all.  I just don't know what else to do....

`holleigh

[wyomingsal]

holleigh,

I am thinking of you and will be praying for you through all of this.  As I have said before...to lose a child is the worst loss ever.  And then to have to try deal with your precious 14 y/o who is hurting and acting out makes everything even harder.  I know that Lexi is hurting and was hurting even before the accident.  How do we as parents help our children when they are troubled and hurting?  How do we infuse love and joy into them when everything we do bounces off of them and seems to not even get through their shell?   Has Lexi been to counseling?  Has she been on any medications?  Even medical intervention is not always perfect and in the case of my son Joshua, actually made his bipolar disorder worse.  But sometimes with the right counselor it can help a little.  My son Micah has been depressed and I have worried alot about him since Joshua passed.  He was on prozac which helped a little for the past 6 months and then we took him off.   He still struggles.  I spent a day in prayer and fasting for him and for wisdom on how to help him.  Meds or no meds?  Loving or tuff approach?  Grant him some slack or push him?  I have church members praying for him as well.  Since the day I fasted he has actually improved significantly without meds.  He is also being re-evaluated by a pschologist for a second opinion from doc who wants to throw him back on the prozac and add ritalin to the mix.  My husband is also on medication for bipolar so I would never say that meds are bad.  I would not want my husband to go off of them.  However I don't want my son thrown on them if they are not right for him.  Sorry,  I didn't mean to write a book.   I just want you to know I understand how hard it is to struggle with grieving and deal with a troubled child as well.  First you must take care of yourself...eat/ try to sleep/ grieve.  While doing that I think your daughter needs counseling because of the obvious guilt issues involved.  Even when siblings are good to each other they still say and do things they regret.  In her case the feelings will probably be mulitplied.  Hang in there.  

Sal

[ericasmom]

Holleigh Dear,

I am so sorry that your life is so chaotic adn sad right now. Your whole family is grieving and yet no two people grieve the same ways. Your older girl needs to get some help with her feelings, and eventually work toward finding out some of the root of her issues which were there before the accident. To think that she would be better behaved is not realistic when she has a lot going on from years before this all took place. She is angry, she is sad, she is regretful, and guilt loads her down. But it sounds as though she was angry to begin with, and so it will be important for her to get some assistance from a therapist. Since she is in puberty, it would probably be good for her to see a woman. Many places use a sliding scale if there are financial issues, so please look into this as she really sounds wounded. Now you...you are broken right now and so you cannot take anymore on. I hope that your family will excuse you from being at some of the family events for a while and if you cannot go, you shouldn't. You do not need to take care of anyone else in your family besides you, and the kids. Hopefully your husband is able to share in the grief with you, so you do not feel alone with this, and hopefully he isn't too hard on Lexi as that will only add to her anger. I hope that he can share in the care of the kids as well, and what about that family of yours that you live near? are you getting support from them, both in getting your kids back and forth and making your dinner once in a while, and taking the kids out so that you have some time alone to grieve. Your loss is very recent, and your kids see a different Momma and Dad than before, they are mourning the loss of their sister and of the way life used to be. This is not said to figure in more guilt, heavens no, this is said so that you understand that in order for you to find your strength again, your footing, you will need some assistance. I did not have to carry anyone but myself through the grief. WEll, nobody younger anyway, and my girl left in the summer while I was still on my summer break from school. I had 5 weeks more of break before school began. You have no down time, you went to the hospital for 25 days, came home to the house dressed for Christmas, and the needs of 3 other children. I wish I lived near you to help you out Holleigh.

I know your little angel is watching over you all but now it is time to call out for help from others. enlist the help of friends and family. Have dinners made and labled and put in the freezer. Have people sign up to give rides and offers of play times at their homes for your other kids. Have names of good therapists in your immediate area and start calling. Let others help you to find your way again. I am praying for you.

In my belief, God didn't let this happen to your girl, God simply is a place, an entity, or an energy for healing for sustanance, for guidance. I am hopeful and filled with prayers for your family and for you Holleigh, to receive some help and feel the grace of your girl. You are a dear woman and life will get better one day.

Take one half hour at a time. Give yourself a hug from me.

PS a great book; The worst loss.

Love,

DEe

[mikesmum]

Holleigh - No need to apologise.  Thank you for sharing your story.  It is so true that with grieving comes the re thinking, re working and of course the guilt.

Suddenly losing your precious girl in the midst of family discontent makes it just that bit harder.  Please know that you are here with those who as Dee says, would love to come to you, give you that hug, support you in your darkest hours.  Your kids now have their own feelings and a very different world in which to live...as many do.

Please come often if you feel the need, but most importantly, be kind to yourself, rest when you can.  You will without knowing find strengths that allow you to be there when needed for your kids......but most of all know that sometimes just being is enough......

Greg - Yep, got a laugh out of the Beyond Purple......but then the also asked about a pushbike accident I had when I was 16.......a long stretch if you want to relate it to Mikes death.

Take Care you Beyond Purple People - (Purple the universal colour of Menopausal Women!!)

[ericasmom]

Well I am there in the universal world of menopause. Yikes!

[johnnysmama]

Trudi and holleigh-

My heart breaks for you both. All i can say is that you should be very proud of yourselves for what you are able to withstand. Jaiden and Mike are hugging you from heaven-i know they are. You two are the bravest, strongest people I know.

 

Holleigh-you are in the worst time and you have so many external hardships to deal with. Listen to all the wise people here-ask for help.  I know you feel like you don't know what you need to help yourself and your family-put that burden of knowing on the people that love you around you. Call them all to your house or better yet-call one and let them organize the rest. Dee is brillant-let them do your errands-find a counselor for at least you and your 14 year old, buy and make food, clean, etc. You need to concentrate on you or you wont be able to help anyone.  Think of that one person that can get the ball rolling and contact them NOW. I know it is hard-as you are in so much pain you dont know or care what you need. I think the fact that you know you have serious problems brewing is half the battle. I dont even remember getting up let alone seeing things not going well.

 

And to kathy-you dont know what you did for me by printing my son's name.

Kay 

[heartbeataway]

Holleigh,

Bless your heart ........ the journey of grief is so hard in itself. And you have so much more to contend with. Take care of yourself. Others have said it but it's really true. ASK for help when you need it. You're so fragile right now. Still trying to understand or make sense out of the unimagineable.  You're also angry ........ understandably.

If there's anything I can do from my little corner of the world, please let me know.

Love! From one grieving Mom to another, JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[summergirl]

Holliegh - my heart hurts for you so, it is such a diffacult road we are traveling yet right now my world feels safe in the wake of what you are enduring. Listen to those who have traveled this road longer then we, take their advice and seek counseling for your daughter, be good to yourself, enlist the help of friends and family, whatever it takes to get through one minute at a time. I am sending you hugs, strength and HOPE with all that I have since I cannot see you in person.

Trudi - I am a PURPLE MENOPAUSAL WOMAN AND PROUD OF IT!! I am so sorry that you are dealing with the "lawyers", been there and done that, but not in the way you are. Too invade Michael's Memorial Site is beyond words for all of here. The sites we have for our children are sacred and assumed to be shared only with those who walk with us - keep your head held high and know that Michael is sitting with you and giving you strength. Maybe you should wear a nice PURPLE suit to court?? 

So many beautiful, wonderful, sad, heartbreaking postings being posted and read - we are our own community.

Love and Prayers to all - Kathy

Jessica, Jessica, Jessica

Michael, Michael, Michael

Eri, Eri, Eri

Jaiden, Jaiden, Jaiden

Brian, Brian, Brian

Davey, Davey, Davey

Jason, Jason, Jason

Johnny, Johnny, Johnny

Joshua, Joshua, Joshua

Mike, Mike, Mike

May you shine bright to guide us in our darkest nights.

I love you my Jessica, my daughter, my friend, my baby - love mom