Loss of an Adult Child

[MargeeTx]

Hello to everyone:  y'all would be so proud of me ..... heck, I am even proud of myself.  For the last 3 days, I have done my hair and applied a little makeup.  Of course, here in TEXAS, it slides off as soon as you venture outside of the AC.  But I decided that my dear husband deserves me NOT to turn into an old lady HAG.   I thought..... how would I feel if he suddenly stopped showering and dressing half way decent?  He has been so understanding of my grief since Jason died.  He seems to have a heart felt sense of my pain, and knows just what to say to me.....many times, that means "leave me alone."  

I am obsessing about his and Meredith's birthday on June 7th.  Our family has always made a big deal about birthdays.  At least, the children's birthdays.  So I am not sure how I will handle this....Mere has already been talking about it.

Up only occasionally......down nearly all the time.   18 weeks of pure, unadulterated misery and pain. 

Thank you all for being here.  To all the new folks, stay with us.  It does help.

[ericasmom]

Margee, I am always proud of you, and all of our family here, for finding us in the first place...and yes, to fix oneself up three days in a row is a big step. Did you feel better about yourself when you did so? I am happy that your husband understands the well of sadness there inside of you and respects your need to be alone with it at times. As far as the birthdays for the twins...maybe ask Mere what she would like to do to honor her brother on this sacred day? What can she handle adn what does she kind of picture?

[NiquesMom]

Margee I know the birthday is hard.  Today was always the day I had niques parties (her birthday is Monday so the party was always the Saturday of memorial day weekend). First time in 18 years I haven't had a party to host.  I think I am going to go to the hospital where she died on Monday to thank the doctors and nurses.  I have not been strong enough to go yet, but since i know i will be moving out of state,  I feel I should go.  I have no idea who worked on her,  but I think going on her birthday is a nice way to honor her.  I have plans today and tomorrow with my son,  but Monday is going to be so hard,  I may not want to go anywhere.  I am crying again as I type this,  I feel like I did when she first died,  it's like no time has passed and I am right back where I was. 

I hope you all have a peaceful weekend. 

[TearsInHeaven]

Margarett, good for you to feel like fixing yourself up.  What I want to point out though...

15 hours ago, MargeeTx said:

Up only occasionally.....

Those words mean alot and should not go unnoticed.  I know that these 18 weeks are the most unimaginable pain you have felt and if someone could find a way to whisk us all through grief they would truly be a miracle worker.  Sadly, grief is a lot of work and takes its toll on our heart, body and soul. BUT...in the beginning and through most of these 18 weeks you could not see past this horrible pain.  Now you have not only made it 18 weeks but for little snippets of time you felt "up".  I am sure the degree of up has a ways to go but I am trying to point out that in the beginning none of us can ever have imagined living through another hour.  None of us ever leaves our child behind in those "up" times.  We slowly gather strength to live in their love. Birthdays are hard, no doubt about it and it has to be very hard to have twins...somehow you need to make Meredith remember that while you all are missing Jason and want to honor him, you are also celebrating Meredith.  You are a mother who loves her children and you will find a way. Big hug for the supportive husband.

Virginia, that is a nice gesture for the medical personnel.  They work as hard as they can to have a good outcome for the patient, using all the skills they have.  When they lose a patient, especially someone young, it takes its toll.  You will be honoring Nique and the team that worked so hard on her. I still get emotional a lot but you are learning to keep Nique's love with you in your heart.

Brendan's Dad, your heart was in your post and that is a good thing.  You were able to put into words some of what you feel. That shows strength. And, what wonderful parents you have to honor Brendan in such a manner.  Dee is right, they look at their son and know how he is suffering with this loss of Brendan and the changes not only to your family structure but the changes within you.  Coming here is a good step.  A man grieves so differently than a woman. Fathers often see themselves as providers, emotional stronger, and take on the role of holding the "family ship" above water when everything else is falling apart.  When the natural course of grief trips those traits up they "blame" themselves. Grieving fathers are more likely to hide their pain and internalize their grief.  But it has to come out sometime.... Fathers want to fix things and often the mother feels they should....  Pretty high expectations when the father has lost a child too. Everyone grieves differently even the parents of the same child.  Neither know how grief is supposed to work but the father usually tries to shoulder it and often keeps the grief work at bay....not realizing what it is doing to his external life and internal well being. Coming here and talking about Brendan will help you. You have held so much in and sharing Brendan in a way you are comfortable is a big step.

[ericasmom]

Virginia, you do as your heart allows. If you feel like going to say thanks to the doctors and nurses that worked on Nique, then go. I think that it is an awesome gesture both for the responders and for Nique. I have great respect as well for all the staff at the trauma center in Kalamazoo, Michigan for trying to save Erica's life. Perhaps a balloon, lantern,  or butterfly release on NIque's birthday.

Peace

[peggy a sad mom]

tommy's mum and dee thanks i kind of thought it was a good thing to notice what everyone else is going through. i am going to fla. tonight from new york. a week i had to beg my boss human resources and the union. it's one week i wanted without pay. they should treat me like i was important around there. any way i need to know how i feel not coming home to my son's room everyday and not wishing he was here when i got home.my son always told me you can always tell when i'm going on vacation i am so happy like three days before. now i'm feeling bad he is not here for me to tell him i'm leaving and i'm just not as happy as i was before. well i am hoping for a relaxing week. i know i will miss him where ever i go but just seeing if it hurts even a tiny bit less. i don't have wifi there so i will check our site when i'm out and can get the wifi

thanks

peggy

[daveydow1]

HELLO   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

Dee------I agree.....that no one , in any country should ever have to get used to

school shootings, or any other act of killing.  The incidents are so violent and senseless. 

It said on the radio, that the student  who did the Texas high school shooting was angry

because he was turned down for a date by a girl.This so unbelievable that someone would go to

such violent extremes to get revenge. It said that one of the students killed was the

girl he had asked out.  So sad, and irreversible.  Changing survivors lives forever.

 

Kate & LouAnn-----Sorry to learn of the tragic violence.  I think that every sensible person

in the world wonders what the answer to this craziness is, but it is so difficult and

tragic, even the governments don't seem have the answer.

Virginia-----Yes, ...anger certainly is part of the grief process.  I believe all of us here

at this site can attest to that.  I hope that you can have a sign from your sweet Nique

that will lighten your heavy heart.  Peace to you.

 

Mumtogeorge------When we are on this grief road in the early times,  the pain and despair

are so heavy ....such a constant load.  The rawness does 'soften', but it comes with the

many steps forward, and again steps back.  The missing and longing will always go on because of

the depth of the love you feel.  Come here, and tell us how you are feeling.....whenever you

feel you want to.  Everyone understands the pain of losing a beloved child.  You can find

understanding here, that you may not be able to find elsewhere.  This site has been a lifeline

for many......myself included.  I, along with Dee,  have been here for nearly 15 years.....with

Angel Days coming up. 

Brendansdad------So very wonderful that your parents honor the memory of their sweet grandchild,

Brendan, by sending a card every single year, and other ways.  It shows just how much they, too, love and miss

your dear little boy.  It is so good that you have the love & support of your family to help you along

the way on this  grief road we all find ourselves on. Hang on, and keep coming here to this site.

 

WISHING PEACE  AND  COMFORT   TO ALL  INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry 

[Mumtogeorge]

Oh daveydow1..i.am so glad i found you all here but im so scared that this is how im.going to feel for ever. Dont get me wrong..i want to feel something..but not the pain and longing that im currently feeling ...this is so awful..one minute im a wreck then i get an hour or so of feeling a little better...then this wave of sadness sweeps over me that i cant shake off..

I miss him like crazy..i would swap.in a heartbeat..but please please give me some hope that i will get through a full day someday....how on earth do i carry on?? I feel like im carrying on just for my other children but actually just going through the motions.

Today hasnt been good at all!!! Nearly 12 weeks since he was taken and i feel im right back at the beginning!

Love to all in this horrid place

[ericasmom]

Mum to George, it feels like you are back to the beginning because we keep going back and forth through the stages of grief. I think that the waves of sadness that wash over you are what grief does, it is an exhausting process. Our whole body/mind/spirit is exhausted by it. Not one piece of us is unchanged and so when you have that half hour of feeling a bit better, soak it in to yourself, and know that those will lengthen and increase one day...not right now. You will get through a whole day and feel glad to be alive one day. When we go through the motions for the others in our lives, we are doing our best to provide for them. The fact that you can do that is pretty astounding, and once again, it must be very tiring to try to keep up for others. There will be more purpose one day, not just going through the motions.

[Mumtogeorge]

Ericasmom..you are so truly kind ...you lost your precious daughter so.many years ago yet still come here to support us.

I dont want to appear morbid but i really feel so down...i.mean not that i.would do.anything to myself...but just so.rock bottom. Nothing feels like it could lift me.

Most friends have tailed off...its as if 3months on..you must be over it. NEVER!! I want to scream.

I wish i could get up and look forward to the day...i wish i was working today because thats a good distraction.

This is just so unfair...

[Mumtogeorge]

Has anyone had any signs from their beautiful children..or anyone seen a medium?

[Tommy's mum]

signs from our children are very subtle and do not come often. It could be a butterfly or bird that comes close to you or a flower in your child's favourite colour in a sea of weeds or song lyrics or a passage in a book that gives the connection. Just like the wind is invisible but you know it is there is how our children are nearby to us always.It is a huge wrench adjusting to their physical absence in your life, that ever present hole. I have not seen a medium I have considered it but there are many fakes out there who prey upon the bereaved. Some I think do have a genuine gift and if you are lucky enough to find one that has the connection it can be helpful.

 

[NiquesMom]

Mumtogeorge, i was lucky enough to visit with my sister-in-law, who has psychic abilities. My daughter has spoken to me twice through her,  I know it was her,  things were said that my SIL couldn't know.  I agree that there are so many fakes,  you need to be careful.  Also,  they cannot appear on demand,  the message  that you need to hear is what comes through.  I have so much more peace than I probably would because of my SIL. I understand why nique left,  and she gave me guidance for the future ( she is the one that told me to move out of Colorado). I hope you can find a legit psychic,  just be cautious. 

[NiquesMom]

I have also had signs, things are missing and then right there where I have already looked.  Her name appears, not a common name,  so I take that as a sign.  I smell flowers inside my home sometimes,  when there is no reason I should smell them.  I don't understand the feathers,  people say feathers are a sign but I don't know.  Every time we find change on the ground,  I tell my son "sissy is saying hi. " it's ok to ask our kids for a sign.

[ericasmom]

Mum, Sherry and I stay here for that reason, we both lost our Children long ago, but we feel that staying here helps us to shine our childrens' light, and we remember what it was to be lifted by those here ahead of us. I stay because I feel it gives me purpose in this part of my life. I promise you that signs will happen, and some of your Boy's peace will also be felt when he is able to share that with you. A glimmer of his peace will go a long way to easing your worry. The missing however is another story, a long story, but you will find ways, it will take time but you will find ways to live well again.

[Jeff's Mom]

I have had many signs since my sons death and particularly at the beginning. We donated a memorial bench to the provincial park that runs for many miles along the lake. It is filled with walking trails and areas to sit and enjoy the surroundings. One particular area is a short walk into the woods and a path leads off of the main path towards another small walk towards a cliff that looks down over the lake. Jeff used to walk our black lab into that area and sit on a park picnic bench throwing  sticks into the water for her to fetch. We asked them to remove the bench and replace it with a permanent memorial bench. We dug three very small gardens and have planted them with flowers each season since he died. It is no easy feat to keep them watered and we often rely on the rain to do the job for us. We have however placed a large pail behind one of the trees tucked into the woods. My husband will climb down the short cliff and gather lake water and bring it up to water the plants when it is dry. The year after his death we had a drought period. We had to go in almost every day to water the flowers. I know some would say we were crazy to do all of this. It gave us a sense of peace and comfort. One day after a particularly dry spell I sat on the bench while my husband climbed down the cliff to get some water.

Suddenly I was startled to hear a sound behind me. I looked behind and down the path. I saw a young man and woman walking towards me. They were intent in reaching the bench and talking to me. The young man did all of the talking while the young woman stood there silently and watched. What hit me instantly was how literally perfect these two were. I mean they were perfect. They wore spotlessly perfect clothes. White T's and sneakers that looked as if they had just taken them out of the pkg. Their teeth were a brilliant white and their hair shone in the sunlight. This young man asked us if we came there often? I said at every chance. His smile was kind and in a way knowing. He looked at my husband and said to give him the pail as he knew he had bad  knees and would get another pail of water for him. How could he have known? He was not limping! He gave no signs of being unable to carry the water. She stood there as if she was on a learning mission. I don't know why I say that. I felt it somehow. She just observed. We thanked them and after that for a few times after we headed into the woods the pail stood filled to the brim with water behind the trees even in the drought without having had any rain. A rock in the shape of a foot formation was left in one of the gardens. I picked it up and brought it home. For whatever reason I took a pair of Jeff's sneakers and compared the two. It was a perfect match for his sneaker.

[ericasmom]

Kate, such a perfect story of hope and faith of life beyond this realm...I have had many signs and symbols of Erica...both directly and through her friends. I will tell more about that later, must do errands. It is 94 degrees out at 10:30 in the morning. Oh Lord, spring forgot the 70degrees temps.

[TearsInHeaven]

Kate, that was a wonderful experience to share. I knew you had the park bench, I didn't know you had a garden there too. It is the recounting of such experiences as you described that brings hope....like your tea house experience.  I have had a few with Michael and so has my husband and we treasured them so much.  The complete destruction of our lives in the early beginnings comes and goes in various degrees until you think you are unable to move but the sharing of these recounted signs brings hope. Hope is elusive but it is out there. 

I read this not too long ago. It was written by a mom who lost her son and she explains what hope means to her.  Her name is Lisa Heath and her son is Brian.

Hope......

The moment I realized there was hope for me on this journey was the fist time I laughed. A real, loud, belly hurt laugh. In that moment, I knew I might survive. I knew, I had a forever road of healing ahead of me. I knew, I had no other choice.

Hope has brought me many things along the way.

On those dark days that I continue to have and, will for the remainder of my life, where the grief knocks me down to my knees as I hold my stomach crying out loud for Brian, and begging God for the pain in my heart to end, I know hope will be there to pick me back up.

Hope - showed me that I will laugh every day and that’s okay

Hope - showed me that I will cry every day and that’s okay

Hope - showed me that the love I have for Brian can be shared with others, even though I now lived with a completely broken heart

Hope - showed me how to embrace the beauty and nature around me. To truly see it, enjoy it and take it all in

Hope - showed me that I am still a mom. 

Hope - showed me that life does not always turn out the way you plan it but, if you work really, really work hard you can find a way to live again, just differently.

Hope - showed me all the signs I needed to see from Brian that allowed me to know he is okay

Hope - showed me that I could through my own pain help other mom’s with their broken hearts

Hope - showed me that I will never be the person I was when Brian was alive and that I am just going to have be okay with that.

Hope - showed me that in order to survive I was going to have to find new purposes. I needed to figure out who I was in this life as a mom to a child gone.

Hope - showed me that only I could define how I navigated through this world without my child. Some will not understand and that's okay. It is your journey, not theirs. 

Hope - showed me that no matter what I do, no matter where I go I always bring Brian with me. In my heart, in my mind, or by something creative I come up with (never thought I see my son’s name attached to so many things) that I know makes him say in heaven “you see that crazy lady again coming up with ways to have me remembered and around, well that crazy lady is my mom”

Hope - showed me to always

[Jeff's Mom]

I will share my experience at the tea house again for those that are new to this journey. A close friend of mine from the church and I decided to go out for lunch. It was a horrible day and it seemed to be raining relentlessly. When she arrived we decided to go to a small town not too far away to a Tea House for your lunch. When we arrived it was still raining and she dropped me at the door to go and find a table. As we did not have reservations we were seated in a seasonal sunroom that was at the back of the main room. We tucked ourselves in for a nice chat and lunch. About part way through two women entered the room with a very young boy. They were seated at a table not far away. At one point I noticed the woman was looking to me to the extent that I was becoming quite bothered by it. They ate their meal and the one lady got up and took the small boys hand and walked out of the room. The other woman stood up and walked towards out table. She hesitated and then proceeded to get closer. She looked directly at us and said that she was not supposed to do this...whatever that meant. That he was so determined that she felt compelled to give me a message. I started to shake and my friend reached down and took my hand. She asked me if I had lost a young man recently. He was standing right beside me and wanted me to know that he was okay. The room fell silent as the others listened. They also appeared unsettled by what she was conveying. I knew in an instant that it was real. What I did not know at that time is why it happened then. A few months later my husband was diagnosed with end stage three colon cancer and had to undergo major surgery and chemo that almost killed him. His mother had just died from the same cancer. We are both convinced that God allowed this gift to give us strength to get through the next difficult period. We knew undoubtedly that he was still very much alive in a new existence and that he was aware of us completely. It gave us the strength to push forward with those next few years that were so hard. I am happy to say that my husband has now being given the cancer free word from his doctors. What a journey it has been. We held fast to that sign and to our faith and believe you me it carried us when we almost had lost the will to keep going. Thanks Diane and Dee, and yes, never lose HOPE! I will always be grateful to that woman whoever she was for reaching out to me. She was very ordinary looking save one distinct quality. Her eyes. She smiled a smile that seemed to drink you in to her very soul. The love and compassion she conveyed was reality to the core. No words needed to be said beyond that. Just love and understanding conveyed to the very core of my heart.

I also would like to add that we are not religious fanatics or nutbars. Jeff's death taught us to stand still and reassess our lives. Many of the things that we we took for granted are now more appreciated and valued. We clipped along as most of us do not really thinking about these serious issues until it hit us full on. We take each day as it comes and try to appreciate and just go with the flow. Life is more simple now and I wish I had felt that way before all of this.

Yes Gretchen, both my husband and I have happy times in our daily lives. I will always feel Jeff"s loss... but I choose to focus on making the time I have left productive and get out and smell the roses. I know he is with me all the way on this journey. Feeling sadness is perfectly normal after many years. I truly believe that will never disappear. There will always be an ache in my heart for his absence. I hold on to the fact I will see him again in time and that is what helps to get me through this. It can never go back to the day before it happened as much as we may wish for it.  Their lives impacted ours in a profound way and we are changed by their death. We learn new ways to cope and to continue.

[tobyfreefoot]

Hey everyone. Just dropping in to say I think of you often. I am fine. Some days better than others but have been wondering if some of you long time folks have ever felt truly joyful and happy again. I'm ok but I am just sort of shuffling through life. I wouldn't call it sad just kind of biding time. Some days I might have fun doing something but in general life just doesn't have the same vigor and draw it use to have. Anyway been enjoying the flowers spring is my favorite. Love you guys

[NiquesMom]

Trying to keep my son entertained on this  3 day weekend.  My husband is working all weekend,  so it's me and Kyle.  It's niques birthday tomorrow,  so I am up and down and all over the place. 

Took Kyle bouncing yesterday,  and to the water park/roller coasters today. 

Think we will stay home tomorrow,  little too warm here. 

 

[shorty16]

My sister received a "God-wink" today.

My sister is a devours Pepsi drinker.  She was checking-out from a grocery store and had an "urge" to buy a coke.  She bought the coke opened it in her car only to see the name " Brian" on the side of the coke bottle.  She had goose-bumps.

Those weird " urges" we feel to do or think something we normally would not do.

I believe.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

[Mumtogeorge]

Oh wow...jeffsmom ..that gave me goosebumps..we have seen a lady that i actually went to see in a group session a month before georges passing...never been to one so feel it was fate..and i mentioned to a friend i had seen her..who coincidently had been working with her..and she said she would help us ..been twice and the things she has told us only us and George know...she wont take payment either..going back wednesday..cant wait!!!

[Mumtogeorge]

Shorty16 ...wow.. our strange story......as George passed with his friend Mason in a RTA..we got an unusual sign shortly after...my phone ran out of charge and on recharging the William Hill.betting site came onto my phone...??? Strange..with the name of a horse running at a well.known horse racing festival..Cheltenham!! 

We thought it was a sign to put money on....bizarre enough it did win but i think.the sign was...the trainer was called T George...but the sire of the horse was Sandmason... as we looked at all.horses this was the only one that had a connection to both the boys x

[Mumtogeorge]

Niquesmom..he looks a right little cutie...full.of beans..he will.keep.you fighting through each day...hugs to you all  xxxx

[Mermaid Tears]

thank you, Kate for sharing your story with the new parents....as with all of us....it gives such a big dose of hope...as with Dee's shaft of light...and Colleen...we so need to hear your story...Virginia....we know you have this shattered heart....and grief can and does overwhelm you....but you do have an amazing blessing in that shining and beaming little boy....yes.....do have a day to shape the way you need it....do what your instinct tells you.

Gretchen....good to hear from you...I so enjoyed the tribute and your words you shared with all of us. As to your question.....I have changed....so the shape and theme of my joy and happiness has changed, too. I think I am entering into a phase of 'learning to be content' with what is....instead of what was. I still have a foot in 'that was then'...and another foot in 'this is now'....I am still a work in progress.

[NiquesMom]

Wow shorty16 and Jeff's mom, I love all these stories.  I know we continue,  and i know I will be better next week. My brother told me her birthday is just another day and I should not let it bother me.  I know he meant well,  but it hurt.  He said he just doesn't think about it when it is our parents birthdays or death dates,  i am not that person,  it is always in my brain.  I think of my parents,  brother,  grandparents.  I think he is ignoring his grief.  

[ericasmom]

I love all of the stories, I know of many of them but I always welcome hearing them again, they brought tears the first time and bring them again. Dianne, I love the hope list. I have the good fortune of always having hope, just always have so...that was good to read.

Gretchen, so good to see you again. It has been a bit since seeing you here. Yes, there have been times when i felt that I was just making do, just carrying on, but I have definitely worked hard to find joy again and have. I will always have this loss just right there, under my eyelids, just under my smile, just under my joy...I don't expect that to change and don't need it to.

I went to my friend Kathy's home today and we discussed the celebration of life for our friend Patti, who died on the 30th of April from melanoma. I miss my buddy, and as we sat there sharing our stories, tears and laughter, I could feel Patti there with us, making us laugh.

In my life I have had many moments of Erica in the room...I am thrilled that you are seeing someone Mum to George,  that has let you know some things that only you and George would know. Lovely. One of Erica's friends, Cecily, went to a Psychic in NYC. She went in without an appointment and the woman told her things about her family that were very interesting...then she said, you have a friend that died violently. She was taken from the impact by a woman, I think that it is the mom of the girls mom. The woman who pulled her away from the impact had a falling out with her own daughter, which we had long before my mom died, the summer before my daughter died. In fact, my mom disowned me right after Erica was born in 1984 because of the abuse that existed in my family and my not wanting my kids around it. Mom told me that either I came over and didn't rock the boat or no more coming over. So it was easy, even though it ached like crazy to be a mom with 2 little ones, to not be able to be a part of my mom's life, or her a part of mine. But my kids never were abused by my dad like some of my nieces and nephews...anyhow, the psychic new this. The woman told Cecily that she kept seeing a big D. That is me, Dee. Cecily and all of Erica's friends growing up called me Dee, never Mrs, or Ms....she told Cecily that Erica felt no pain but that she was pissed because she did not want to die...she said that she was with a Michael now, and that is Erica's daddy, who died 6 years after Erica...so she hit it on the head. ERi was struck by an Amtrak Train in Kalamazoo, Michigan, the same train that she took many times when her brother lived in K-Zoo before she joined him.

About a month or maybe a bit more after ERica died, I was on my walk in the local forest preserve, ( I take 3 or so walks a day, always have). I was trying to find my life again, knowing it would take a long while. While walking, I felt something on my head, it felt like liquid that was tingling from the top down through my head. It was so strong a feeling, I looked up to see what could be dripping onto my head, my hand instinctively went to my head to feel what it must be...there was nothing, there was no wetness. In that moment, the sense of peace filled me from my head to my toes, a total sense of joyous peace. It was Erica, sharing her peace with me, letting me sample the sense she was experiencing. It was awesome. Oh so many more stories...I will share more later.

[ericasmom]

Colleen, love the coke story. What fun, there Brian was playing with his Auntie.

[ericasmom]

So thank you Susan, for referring to the Shaft of Light photo. To all the Newbies, one day about 3 or so months after Erica left this earth, I was taking my usual walk through the forested area and hadn't felt her presence in a while...it may have been 12 months or more actually, anyhow, I stood there at the end of one path and said aloud, " Eri, where are you?" Then this happened...

There was a shaft of light in my path, as though pouring from the sky, it was morning, fairly early, so the sun was not directly overhead, this was amazing. I laughed and said thank you Erica, there you are.

In addition to these and the previous stories, there are more- one of which was about a dream I'd had where I was in a crowded space, a party or a concert, unsure, but I saw and heard Erica across the space, I looked up so happy to see her/hear her, and she waved with a big grin indicating that she would get to me, through the crowd, but that she only could stay a few minutes...there were so many people there wanting to hug her and talk with her, I only got to touch her face, grab her hand, and she said she had to go, but that she was more than fine. That was a dream visit, I felt so high all day long the next day, as though she climbed right into my heart to remind me all day long that she was more than fine. Now this would have been gift enough, but three of Erica's friends, all living and going to colleges in different states wrote to me that same week to tell me that they had dreams of Erica and in each of these dreams, they saw Erica at concerts or parties, and it was crowded and they knew she could not hang out for long, and in each of these girl's dreams, Erica was blissfully happy, beyond happy. So yes, there have been many signs and messages from my Girl, and with each, I say thank you Bingo.

Just now outside to talk to the full moon, talk with Erica about helping us be the very best humans we can be.

[Sunshine Princess Jaelynn]

Today we just buried my 4 year old daughter and it was my fault. My fault she died, my fault I and everyone around me is hurting. It was a morning like any other. Getting the kids ready for school. I got them out the door and put my 2 month old son on the car seat. My 8year old sat in the front. I thought my daughter was in the car as well. My son is always the first to be dropped off so off the car he goes. It wasn't until I noticed my daughter wasn't in there. I thought she was hiding from me. I thought omg I left her at the house! I hauled ass home! And there she was, on the ground. It was then that I knew what happened, I hit her with the car. I jumped out of my car to her and SCREAMED her name. I got my phone and called 911. The neighbor heard my screams and came to help me. I started cpr and nothing. She wasn't responding. The ambulance finally got there and they pulled me away. I was trembling, screaming, crying. We took off to the hospital where they pronounced her dead. I'm still in shock and traumatized. I still see her lifeless face in my mind. I still remember the blood coming from her mouth as I did cpr. I'm never going to forget it. My kids don't deserve me as a mother. I don't deserve to be a mother. I killed my precious daughter all because I didn't look to see if she was in the damn car. I keep going through that morning over and over and over and over and still I don't understand. I don't wish this ugly guilt and fault upon anyone. It's killing me and I know when it's my time God will punish me. Which he is already doing by making me live with this for the rest of my life. She was beautiful, she was silly, she was smart, she was sassy, her smile lit up the room, she was my Sunshine Princess. And because of my carelessness she's gone. 

[Tommy's mum]

kate dianne veronica colleen mumtogeorge and dee thanks for sharing your stories of signs and hope. Those signs are so meaningful and precious. Sadly I have not had such obvious signs but I know and feel my son with me. Maybe because we had lived in different countries for a few years so there was a physical distance. As time goes by I find some peace in what happened to my son but not why it happened and his absence from our family is hard.

12 hours ago, Mermaid Tears said:

 

. I still have a foot in 'that was then'...and another foot in 'this is now'....I am still a work in progress.

theguilt I do not believe god will punish you for an accident. There is no way this was deliberate or premeditated it was a tragic terrible accident and i am so sorry you find yourself carrying this burden of guilt alongside the grief for your sasha rose. She sounds like she was an adorable happy little girl. Your sad story brought me to tears. We are both grieving parents and that is a connection we all have here..At least you are seeking support and talking about what happened which is good. Unburdening your thoughts and emotions is a kind of release and sometimes it is easier to talk to "strangers" you have never met rather than family or friends. I hope you are also able to get some much needed counselling from a person in the church or a medical facility who can guide you through this trauma. It is a huge amount to deal with by yourself and you have other children that love and need you to become as strong as possible for the future. One day at a time my friend dont try and look beyond getting through the next 24 hours and then the next and the next. We will help you as much as we can here.

 

[NiquesMom]

The guilt, I am so sorry, your story made me cry,  but I agree with tommysmom, this was an accident.  I know no one judges us harsher than ourselves,  I hope you can someday find a sliver of peace. Everyone here would have changed places with our kids if we could have. Just take it minute by minute,  everyone here is so kind. I say here the things I cannot say to my husband.  He thinks I am fine,  but I am not.  Hang on,  mama,  your other kids need you and they will help you through this.  My 5 year old has helped pull me from my darkness because he deserves to have a mom who doesn't just lay in bed (even though thats what i want to do). 

[MargeeTx]

The guilt:  what happened to your darling daughter was a tragic ACCIDENT....I cannot even imagine what you are feeling, except I only understand the sense of loss....not just for you, but for your entire family.  I am crying for you as I sit here.  I will keep you close to my heart.  

[NiquesMom]

I took a card to the hospital to thank everyone for working on Dominique.  When I took kyle to his favorite park,  there was an ambulance for the hospital parked there. I took it as a sign,  and went over to thank them for what they do.  I don't know if they helped Nique,  but if it wasn't them it was someone they work with.  I thanked them for doing a job I could never do,  the one guy said they don't get thanked very often.  I feel I have honored Nique today. 

Hugs

[ericasmom]

oh goodness Mom to Sasha...I am desperately sorry Dear Woman for what you are feeling, for how devastated you are at this time. Who of us wouldn't be? The fact that you found us so early on in your grief is a good sign for you and for your whole family, you want to find a way to comprehend this terrible accident, and  you want to find ways to be able to nurture your remaining children. You do deserve to be their Mom, this was a terrible accident Dear. I wish that I could zip in and undo what has been done, but of course none of us can, and now we must help you find ways to honor your sweet Angel Girl. Who of your family lives near you and can assist you when you need to time to grieve? Do you have siblings or parents?

[ericasmom]

Virginia, good for you to have honored your girl so very beautifully. Happy Birthday in heaven Nique, you are a free bird, sing sweetly and fly freely. Make sure that you breeze in and out of your Momma's days and nights, giving her signs of your peace.

[Tommy's mum]

happy birthday Nique I know you are happy and free. Send your family love in a visible way if possible. The pictures of Kyle are adorable.His big sister must be so proud of him. Thank you for giving thanks to some emergency personnel. They all work so hard to save lives and have to deal with the losses too it is an incredibly hard job. I was able to personally thank one of the police officers who was there when my son fell and also to the ER physician who worked to try and save my boy which I am grateful to be able to have done.

theguilt I am glad you have joined our group and really hope we can work together to allow you your voice and try to give you the grace to forgive yourself. It will take a long time but you are someone who is loved and valued by your family and friends and also by us. Take care

[TearsInHeaven]

Happy Birthday in Heaven, Nique. You are in our thoughts.  Put a soft breeze across your mom's cheek today so she knows that it is you.

 

[TearsInHeaven]

Virginia, how kind of you to thank the hospital personnel and first responders for their efforts with Nique.  I am betting that she was holding Kyle's other hand as you walked.

[Mermaid Tears]

Mom to Sasha......this is not a perfect world....and there is simply no perfect persons....or parents. ACCIDENTS HAPPEN. I do hope you have a strong and supportive circle around you at this time...and I do hope you have some in that circle who have their feet on the ground and a large dose of common sense to help you through this horrific accident and can lead you to a place where the guilt and remorse shall be lifted up and off your shoulders and mind. No one on this earth shall be able to wipe it all away. Only you will be able to lift yourself out of this quagmire of relentless guilt and allow yourself to be human and then allow you to forgive yourself. What I have observed is that there are situations where everyone forgives the person ...accidents can happen to the most loving and sweetest persons....but the person cannot...and will not...allow themselves to be forgiven. I pray you have wise people who shall lead you...and sustain you. Remember....you still have your other children...they are blessings and they need you...and always will. My oldest 'child' is 50...and she still needs me. Do not make the mistake of burying your living children because you have had to bury one. Life is still for the living. You will have weeks and months of dark days and having to claw your way out of the heavy and dark days of grief....but you can survive this. This kind of grief is very exhausting. Please...please....be very kind to yourself and drink lots of fluids and find a way to be outside in Mother Nature for some time during the day. You are not the first parent that has had to face this...nor will you be the last....I am sure there is some kind of support group that can give you some strength in the fact that you are not alone. Please let us know how you are doing...and your husband. We are here to hear you.

[Jeff's Mom]

Happy Birthday in Heaven, Nique. I pray that today your heart will be filled with wonderful and precious memories as you remember your very precious daughter.

Virginia, I agree with Dianne. What a lovely gesture to remember the staff that were at the hospital. It is such a difficult area to work in and I am sure they really appreciated your thoughtfulness.

Mom to Sasha, oh my dear girl...please DO NOT think for one minute that you are at fault. It was an accident! I know your heart is heavy with pain and a sense of responsibility. Accidents happen daily and I know that you sound to me like a very loving and caring Mom to all of your kids. I am glad that you have found this place to offer support. Please know that we are all thinking of you and we wish you comfort in the next while. 

Thinking of everyone. Love to All, Kate

[My girl is in heaven]

I worked at the church garage sale on Friday and Saturday and served at a meal for 80 people who were in need for food on Sunday. So I have not hd a chance to read til today.

mom to Sasha.  I know right now there is probably nothing anyone can say or do to  take away the guilt you are feeling about the death of your precious girl.  Please believe me I have been in those shoes u are wearing right now.  Nearly 7 years ago I failed to investigate a thud I heard while washing my kitchen floor. Despite being the kind of mom who panicked at every peep I didn’t respond and in hind sight that was my 17 year old daughter collapsing in the shower where she died.  Millions of times I played that day, that scene out of how it would have turned out if I got there sooner.  I was the only chance she had and I blew it. Doctors never could tell me 100 percent sure if it would have made any difference.  I think there may always be a tiny part of me that will have that thought linger. But it doesn’t consume all of me anymore. It doesn’t grip me so tightly that I cannot move anymore. And there will come a day, albeit not today or tomorrow but you will come to realize you will never understand the why of it and no matter how many times you replay it , it won’t change.  Why didn’t you realize your daughter wasn’t in the car, why didn’t I respond to a clear indication that something was a miss.  You and I would move heaven and earth to have saved our child as all of us here would. Let yourself feel as you must right now but don’t stay mired there.  At some point you will have the courage to let go of what u can’t change.  It’s a long hard rocky road and I wish I could push the fast forward button for you.  Please let me help you dear friend , as one guilt-ridden mother to another . My email is ltaylor50@rogers.com and you can email me or if you want to call and talk or I can call you.  Please know you do not have to travel this journey alone.  There are so many kind and compassionate people here. Lean on me, lean on us dear friend.  We will be with you every step of the way.  Hugs

Luanne....Kira’s mama. 

[My girl is in heaven]

Happy Heavenly Birthday dear Nique.  Virginia I hope you got a little sprinkle of something from your precious girl today. So you know she is ok and soaring with all of our angels.  Your Kyle is just the cutest little boy just brimming with joy despite having lost his sister.  I’ve learnt to embrace those small crumbs and slivers that come our way and am so in tune and grateful for the little things I probably never noticed before. Hugs

thank you to those who were concerned about my son and girlfriend with the Mississauga bombing last week. Mississauga is part of Toronto but I immediately contacted Kristen to ensure they were ok.  Evan never answers his moms texts......boys eh. Luckily there was no loss of life.  Dianne were you near the school shooting in Indiana.  I had the strangest thing happen last week.  My cell phone rang and the number came up from Indiana .  Your the only person I know from Indiana so I answered it but it was a wrong number.  Maybe just a little Kira sign reminding me what a wonderful friend you have been to me.  

Luanne......Kira’s mama. l

 

 

 

[My girl is in heaven]

Kate thanks for sharing your story. It still gives me chills.  We are finally, finally getting warm weather. What have you been getting.  Eastern provinces had snow last weekend.  Hope Ross is still doing well and you are both enjoying the playoffs even though Winnipeg is out.  

Margge how are you doing.  Making tiny steps every day I hope.  So how hot is it in Texas.  I’ll trade you my cold weather for your warm. By the time our summer kicks in, it is almost time for fall again.  Lol.  Hugs to you.

peggy.  Hope things are settling a little bit for you.  It certainly is a one step forward and two back process. I’m glad u have stayed with us.  This site is such a god send for those of us who travel this road.  

Colleen.  Small sign but ever so powerful.  Hold on to it.  Is your heart starting to twinge some as we head towards June my angel date friend.  I know mine is. But we have to face it head on I find is the only way now. 

Dee , Susan , Lesley.  You guys are so wise and compassionate and have such a way with words.  Just think about how proud Tommy , John David and Erica must be as you shine your light for others. Thanks for always being there.

gretchen so nice to hear from you.  Our kids angel dates are only a few weeks apart. So will be thinking about you coming up.  

Luanne.....Kira’s mama. 

 

[ericasmom]

Luanne, what wonderful words from you to so many here today. I am glad that you are well, and that you are standing strong as you come toward June. Hang on Girl. I love the way you reach out Lu, you are helping others with your heart.

[MargeeTx]

Happy dear Birthday to Nique....I know you can send a special memory to your dear Mom today.  

We haven't hit 100 yet, but it is predicted for later this week....this is early for even Texas to have triple digits in May.

i ordered Mere's present today so it will be there for the 7th.  I received a really neat CD-Mp3 player a couple of years ago.  I found one that I think is even better, and she LOVES her music.  Can you believe that new cars do not have CD players anymore?  Just audio jacks for IPODS and such.  Heck, I have over 300 cassettes and over 500 CD's....soon all will be totally obsolete.  But, Vinyl is making a comeback.   Mike & I have a 6 foot tall stack of those.  But I don't have a turn table..... yet!  And, we both have moved these records all over the states, and even to Germany. We just couldn't part with them.

i have a couple of doctor appts tomorrow, and will get the Birthday cards.  We haven't talked about how she and I will celebrate Jason on their day.  Surely we can come up with something that will not be too painful for us.

Thank you for the story memories.  Since I still feel "new" here, it was a blessing that y'all shared them.

rest well my friends....thinking of all of you....sitting in the hot tub - looking at the beautiful full moon.  ( being super careful not to drop the IPAD in the bubbles!)

 

 

 

 

 

 

[TearsInHeaven]

Luanne, you are a kind heart. Sorry I missed news about the bombing and I am glad your family is safe  That shooting in Noblesville, IN was once again sad but luckily no one died, just many more lives traumatized by the current atmosphere.Delayed frightening on my end because when Heather lived "in Indianapolis" she was actually in Noblesville...Indianapolis is just more recognizable.... She built her house there because it was a safe community with a very, very good school district. She went to college in Indianapolis and worked there. Had they not moved to Wyoming that is where my little Piper would have gone to school.

Peggy, hoping you are doing ok.  This is still a one step forward two steps back time.  I am "hoping" you saw my post a couple back about "HOPE".  It spoke to me when I read it.  There will be a time where you can allow that word hope back into your vocabulary.  It will come. Just thinking of you.

Just sharing a new sign.... yesterday as I came down the stairs to the main level, I looked at the grandfather clock as I usually do at the bottom of the stairs.  It has three sides of glass.  On the front glass was what looked like a word in dust particles.  At first I was annoyed thinking I had just cleaned that clock on Saturday. On closer examination I saw in the dust bunnies the word LOVE plain as day.   Michael was not in the service but I am thinking Memorial day was a good day to remember him. This morning the glass on the clock is clean as a whistle.

MomtoSasha--My Guilt, I am not sure if you are the same person. I am so sorry for your loss.

[Mermaid Tears]

Virginia.....you served your daughter well....and I cannot think of anything more meaningful to 'remember and celebrate your girl's birthday' than to offer up a thankful and grateful heart to the EMS group. I do believe with all my heart that they are 'very special' and well trained professional medical specialist that 'see it all' and 'does it all'....they probably perform way above what they are trained to do....for they also have a heart full of empathy. I am also sure they do not ever get the praise they are surely worthy of.

You did the one thing that will bring a layer of healing to your shattered heart....no....it won't cure it.....but it does have a healing power. The other thing you did is what I call 'the power of action'.....instead of talking about it....you acted on what you thought you should do....'action speaks...words are cheap'.....and your son will always remember your gesture and will absorb your intentions. Please give yourself a hug from me. You are letting her light shine through you.

[Brendan's Dad]

Thanks to everyone who has responded to my posts.  It really has helped being here.  Just to be able to vent and tell you guys things that I am feeling that nobody else knows.  

The guilt:  I am so sorry for your loss.  I wish I had words for you to help you in the slightest way.  Guilt is a difficult thing.  I know this, but what happened was a tragic accident and not your fault.  I am praying for you. 

Mum to George:  Early on after Brendan died I thought I had many signs.  Maybe a Cardinal at a weird time or a hawk swooping down right in front of my car.  Things like that.  I also used to have some dreams about him that felt oh so real.  Lately the signs and dreams for that matter have been few and far between.  Not sure why.  Really wish he would give me a sign now because I feel I need it now more than ever.  Just need to know that even with all of my mistakes he still loves his daddy.  

Brendan's Daddy