Dealing with guilt.

[Mastone]

The night my Dad fell, I was at a maroon 5 concet with a friend and we stayed the night. I feel so guilty for not being there. He laid on livingroom floor for 10 to 12 hrs, when neighbor found him. He was rushed to hospital. I got a call at 9am. (He was badly dehydrated).When I got there he was not making sence. After his 3rd bag of fluids he was almost back to himself. I left him at 5pm to go check out his pace and get my 12 yr old. Went back to the hospital, they were keeping him over night. He was in his room eating and looking good. 5am doctor called, Dad wanted a DNR. After I hung up the phone I headed to hospital to talk to him about the DNR. When I got there, he was back to the way he was when I saw him the morning before. Not making sence. I arrived at the hospital around 6am,he passed at 8:33. The what if's are eating me up. When will this go away?

[nopeace]

Hello Mastone, I read your post and to try and answer your question and give some type of relief. First, I am gravely sorry for your loss. I am going through the what if's, I should have, I wish I had and everything else. The what if's and all will not go away. We all have questions that will probably not be answered in this life time. I just keep reminded myself that "When Prayers go up, Blessings come down." Time will make it easier and better. I hope this is some relief.

[NCL]

I have a ton of 'what if's' so I'm nobody to give advice, but I think it's a normal part of grieving, wondering if we had done things differently, maybe the outcome would have been another. I just try not to dwell on it. SOmetimes it's hard to keep these thoughts away, but don't let them get a hold of you. Someone told me that we can go through all the what if's and torture ourselves endlessly, but what will that change? Our parents are still gone. I'd love to go back and change the past and be able to help my Mom, but that's not going to happen. Be gentle with yourself and try not to make yourself even more miserable than you are with these thoughts. It's enough having to deal with the fact that they are not longer with us, at least that's how I feel (not that I always succeed)

[Mastone]

I have a ton of 'what if's' so I'm nobody to give advice, but I think it's a normal part of grieving, wondering if we had done things differently, maybe the outcome would have been another. I just try not to dwell on it. SOmetimes it's hard to keep these thoughts away, but don't let them get a hold of you. Someone told me that we can go through all the what if's and torture ourselves endlessly, but what will that change? Our parents are still gone. I'd love to go back and change the past and be able to help my Mom, but that's not going to happen. Be gentle with yourself and try not to make yourself even more miserable than you are with these thoughts. It's enough having to deal with the fact that they are not longer with us, at least that's how I feel (not that I always succeed)

[Mastone]

Thank you both for your kind words. Taking it day by day.

[ksam]

I understand the "what ifs" torture...Have you heard of the 20/20 hindsight?

Its basically the, what if I did this...what if I did that...would the outcome have been better if I....

I struggled with this for quite some time. I lost my mom from a car accident and I drowned myself in the "What if I got off the road quicker?" and the "What if I was able to pray"

It ate me up so much for months and occasionally still does to this day. But, I have learned to accept the outcome as is. It was not easy and the process does take time. My advice I can give to you, is read Romans, Chapter 8. It is the most beautiful deep chapter in the BIble I have ever read and I do believe it applies our situation of the "what ifs" and it has helped me a lot.

I hope you feel better and I hope life flows beautifully for you. Here is a quote that I found also helpful and inspiring.

"It has been said that the greatest souls awaken through suffering. Suffering is not always a curse. Darkness shows us aspects of ourselves that need work, which may not have been exposed to us if the Universe had not sent this suffering in the first place. The greatest prayer you could make would to not ask the Source or Universe to take the suffering away from you, but to instead have faith that everything that happens in your life is only happening to stimulate your spiritual evolution. Thank the Universe for sending you that suffering to help you grow and evolve, both spiritually and emotionally. All experience is a blessing and happens for a reason, so don't be afraid to feel it and learn from it."

[TOgirl]

I have a lot of "what if" questions I have tried hard to shake but can't.

...a big sense of guilt I had was I didn't spend enough time with my dad. He would reach out and try to engage me; to get me to spend more time with him - but I'd always find excuses to brush it off. I just keep thinking that if only I knew he would die (he died suddenly and unexpectedly) I would have done so many things differently. I know he was hurt that a didn't spend time with him...and I wish I could go back in time and take it all back.

Even though he died 5 years ago, when I think about it long enough I just feel so guilty.