Hi, Im new here and just want to share my story and learn from other parents.

[Ryans Mom]

Hi, my name is Ruth and I unfortunately became a member of this elite group 4 months ago tomorrow. My 24yo son, Ryan was riding his skateboard to a friends house. It was night and a very dark stretch of road. The driver of the Yukon didnt see him until it was too late. She stopped and immediately called 911. The response time was 1minute and 40seconds. Despite all efforts... Ryan died an hour later.

I am so blessed to have an amazing group of supporters. My employers all knew Ryan since he was a kid. My boss was trying to give me a month or so off after Ryans death, and felt horrible that he had to call me back after 2 1/2 weeks. I was ready. I needed to go back and not just sit and think anymore.

I have my good days and my bad days. I have given myself permission to grieve. If Im crying too hard one day, and I have to take a day off, my boss allows me that. If my face starts leaking in the grocerystore... so be it. My face does tend to leak a lot.... just saying.

My therapist says if I dont want to clean the house I dont have to. So if its not the kitchen or the bathroom, I dont clean it. Someday, but not right now. Its not that bad. I dont have to kick anything out of my way, I just havent vacuumed or dusted....

My employees are amazing. If they sense Im having a "bad Ryan" day, they do everything they can to make me smile and laugh. And if I walk into work and Im crying, they are just all over me trying to get me to feel better.

When ppl say to me, "I cant imagine" and I tend to reply "Im going thru it and I cant imagine either"

I thought it was the end of the world when I found my Daddy dead 3 years ago. It was soo much worse when my big brother died (age 52 and 1 month) almost a year later. No, My life ended 4 months ago tomorrow. After I get thru the next year or so and finally develop a new normal, it will never be the same.

Thanks for letting me write. I stopped crying for now

Ruthi

[dsmurph]

Ruthi,

I am sorry for all of your losses. You seem to be trying to deal with it in a healthy way. I try daily to move forward as I know our daughter would not want us to become bitter. Like you, a part of our hearts, our life is gone. It will never be complete again. But, we will learn how to walk with the emptiness. I pray our Father wraps you in HIS arms and comforts you.

dsmurph

[Mom of Chip]

Hello Ruthi...

I feel your pain, but I can't imagine what it is like to lose a child so suddenly. We had 5 weeks to adjust to Chip's illness, but it still was devastating. I don't clean either unless it is absolutely necessary...like you, bathrooms and the kitchen...my floors haven't been vacuumed since Christmas...there are still needles on the floor from the tree.

My dad died 11 years ago..it was a very bad time for all of our family..he was a very understanding and loving man...but when Chip died it was much worse...Recently my brother passed, as well as a close friend, and I felt almost nothing..now when a stream of tears comes down my face, I don't know who they are for..but I think it is mostly for Chip...there are so many memories of him that break my heart.

It has been over 7 months since Chip took his final journey, and I am beginning to get a grip on the reality of it all. I can talk about him without tearing up, but I still miss him terribly...7 months without hearing his voice on the phone or getting a letter or e-mail from him or seeing him walk thru the door...it is so painful...

I wish I could give you some advice on how to handle your grief....but there is no set pattern...everyone has to handle it in their own way. Good for you that you sought out the help of a therapist.....and you are fortunate that your fellow employees are so understanding.

Some day you will find that you are living what we call the 'new normal'.

Come here often and read and post in the Loss of an Adult Child...there are many of us there who are going thru what you are experiencing. I have received a lot of help thru the other parents who post there.

May God bless you keep you.

Del

[Mermaid Tears]

Dear Ruthi.....so sorry you had to 'find us'....but happy that you found your way here....please know we are all here in this 'foreign land' together....I lost my son on the same date as Del....please go to the site as Del stated..'Loss of an Adult Child' and you will find many there that are finding their way....reaching out for comfort...reaching out with comfort....with tears running down their face...uphill all the way....grief stricken...and hearts broken.....still....holding on....we want to hear about your sweet boy....in fact....a Mom on the Loss of an Adult Child...her name is Becky...lost her son in such a similar way as yours...while he was on his skateboard....it takes someone who is walking in your shoes to know what you are going through...prayers for you and yours...

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Ruthie, I have sent you a private message.

[Ryans Mom]

I guess the worst part is that we all know what we are feeling. Learning the "new" normal and coming to grips with the loss of a child. Even tho Ryan wasnt talking to me ( I invited him to move out after he almost became violent when he got a couple tickets in the car I bought so he could use, and started getting mad because I told him he had to pay me back.) This is after I bailed him out of jail and paid to have my car unpounded. It was my Motorcycle liscense on the line. So the 23yo kid had to leave. I had him when I was 24. And he is my baby. But I am the horrible one because I made him homeless. Like I said, he was my 3rd at age 24. I had a home, a family and a job. Dont blame me because all he wanted to do was smoke and party. Drugs were so not a part of how he was raised.

Thanks for letting me vent.... Ruthi

[O F]

Hi, Ruthi, do not blame yourself for anything, you have been a good Mom and Ryan knew it then and certainly knows it now. We all feel guilty for what we've said or done sometimes, that might have been painful to our kids, but we all loved them so much and that love was there - always.

And still is...