How do you move on...

[noahsmommi]

I took care of my mom while she was dying from cancer. I was her nurse and caregiver 24/7. Most nights I didnt even sleep just watching her and making sure she was ok. The days seemed to not be long enough to do the things I had to do for her and take care of my 4 yr old too. She passed away 2 weeks ago and i find myself sitting at home with nothing to do and so much frree time I dont know what to do . I feel like everyone else (siblings, family etc) can go back to their somewhat normal lives and the things they did before but me iim stuck. She was my whole world. Caring for her, talking with her, loving her. Now I feel lost with no sense of direction. How do you move on when caring for someone was your whole life.

[BreathofAngel]

I took care of my mom while she was dying from cancer. I was her nurse and caregiver 24/7. Most nights I didnt even sleep just watching her and making sure she was ok. The days seemed to not be long enough to do the things I had to do for her and take care of my 4 yr old too. She passed away 2 weeks ago and i find myself sitting at home with nothing to do and so much frree time I dont know what to do . I feel like everyone else (siblings, family etc) can go back to their somewhat normal lives and the things they did before but me iim stuck. She was my whole world. Caring for her, talking with her, loving her. Now I feel lost with no sense of direction. How do you move on when caring for someone was your whole life.

I am very sorry for the physical loss of your dear Mother. I know at this time in particular it is very hard for you but when the inevitable happens and we lose a beloved one, we must be on guard and assure that we are not so affected by the impact of the tragedy that it will cause a deleterious effect upon ourselves.

As to what to do with your free time, there are many excellent and much needed volunteer opportunities where you can consider serving for the good of others which will be of great help to them and will certainly do your own heart good.

Your dear Mother will always be with you as she continues to live on in your heart! She surely would not want to see you going through undue hard times due to her passing as that is never a Mother's wish for her children. Take good care of yourself, dearheart, and may God bless you as you move forward with your life. Please remember that we are here for you anytime you wish to talk or visit!

[widower2]

nh, I'm so sorry for your loss. Having lost my beloved partner who I eventually was taking care of 24/7, also for cancer, I know all too well that massive void after the dust settles and everyone else has gone back to their lives. You don't say if you're married or have kids - if so, I would focus big time on them. If not, a few thoughts:

- Volunteering as stated below is a great idea. It gets you out of the house, keeps you occupied, and in a positive way, whether it's big brothers/big sisters, nursing homes, church activities, animal shelters - do a little digging and you may find something that "clicks" for you.

- It sounds like you're not working-? If not, you might consider something, even part time. I know one lady who we always saw at the grocery store (she manned the coffee machine/snack area they had) on weekends (when we usually went) and she said she decided to try it when her husband passed and she got lonely just sitting around, and found that even though she only worked 1 or 2 days a week for a few hours, it was nice being out among people for awhile - and a little extra "found money" didn't hurt

- Also consider hobbies, if you have any, and re-focus on them. If you don't, consider looking for some that might interest you. Nothing to lose, and you might find it more interesting than you expected.

- Something else you might try is keeping a journal. No, it won't take up all your free time of course, but it might at times take more than you might think, and can be very therapeutic. People do it in all diff ways too - some treat it like a sort of diary, what I did today, how I felt etc - others use it as a sort of running dialogue to the one they lost ("well Joe, guess who I bumped into today") that kind of thing. Maybe a mix of both. And some do it every day, some just when the mood strikes. However it works best for you only you can determine of course.

- I almost forgot one other thing which you're already doing - browse the internet for places like this that you might find useful, not simply for "advice" per se but just knowing there are others around who "get it" can be helpful too. Browse the posts, join in as you feel inclined, maybe even stop in the "chat room" (top of page) some time. It's kind of sparse lately, but sometimes in the evenings at least a few of us pop in and out.

The bottom line, I think, is to try and "keep moving" - trying something, anything. Easier said than done I realize - I had (still sometimes have) days where I don't feel like doing a bleeping thing - and usually on those days I don't! And that's OK too, I think, as long as it's not the norm. Even little things like housework (I can't believe I said that one but it's true) or reading or watching a movie or taking a walk are better than sitting around fretting.

That all aside, two last but IMO very important things, generally speaking:

- don't let anyone tell you how you should grieve. If they do, I will happily provide an alibi that you were with me and so it COULDN'T have been you that whacked them with a bat

- remember this will take a lot of time, so allow for that.

Pardon if this came off a little long-winded, didn't mean to ramble. Hopefully at least some of it is useful - ! Best to you

[noahsmommi]

Thank you both so much for your words...Its nice to fel like someone else understands how difficult it is....I am trying to move on and I understand it will take time...

[widower2]

You're very welcome - pls browse around the site, you will find more who can relate. It does help!

[mcp_sb]

My mother just passed away in January. She lived with my sister from the time of her diagnosis until her passing three weeks later (because my mom's husband, not my father, is useless). I live on the opposite coast, but I came out and stayed with my sister for five weeks to help out. I wish I could have stayed longer, but I'm pregnant and needed to get back for doctor appointments. So while I was only caring for my mom for five weeks, I do know something of what you are describing. My older sister ESPECIALLY knows what you are describing. The room where we set up hospice is still empty, and is a physical reminder to my sister of my mom's absence all day, every day.

I wish I had some excellent advice for you beyond what has already been said here, but I'm still struggling through this process myself. One thing I did want to add is that we had hospice nurses come to check in on us two times a week, and they were wonderful and kind and caring and very helpful. We could call them any day, any time. We learned that most of them became hospice nurses because a hospice nurse had been so kind to them while they were losing their own family member. I wonder if that might be something you would be interested in. Just a thought.

I just found this site yesterday and it made me cry (with relief) because I need something like this. I have almost no friends who have lost a parent, and my dysfunctional family dynamics make it so that it is difficult for me to talk about it with them. I hope we both find comfort here. I'm so sorry for your loss.

[noahsmommi]

I had the opposite experience with hospice myself. I felt like they were no help and sent out a nurse who it was his first time recently graduating from school and was soOo nervouse himself he made us all nervous instead of at ease that he would know how to help make this a smooth process. But thank you for the response. When I first found this site I felt like FINALLY someone understood my feeling and I could openly talk to with no worry of judgement. I am sorry for your loss as well. Hopefully we can continue to be a support for each oother on this site.

[Vickiluvsmom]

Last Month my beautiful mom passed away suddenly. It was the day that I feared all of my life happening right before my eyes. I felt helpless. My mom was born with heart issues that progressively got worse with age. Mom was told she would not live a long life and not bear children..and yet, she bet the odds and lived 81 years and had 2 daughters and a son that lived only one day. I hate that I feel selfish and want her with me now. If this happened 10 years from now..I would still feel the same way. Her last 15 years were a battle of medications and tiredness. This past year I felt I had bet the odds and I was keeping her the healthiest that she has ever been. We were going to beat this...but, the inevitable happened and she passed away. Funny...life has its struggles and she was my rock and for the first time in a long time I felt so good and I felt that life and the stars were aligned and everything seemed perfect that day. I felt that I could breathe and everything was just wonderful..and then she told me that she was taking a bath that afternoon. I always was aware of her moves and watched over her. She then proceeded to shower that day and I never spoke to my mom again. She suffered a heart attack in the bathtub and my mom was gone. Just like that. Now what? I have revolved my life around her. I had everything down to a science. My family was so wonderful and supportive. I feel so blessed to have experienced my life with her...but, I am in selfish mode and I want my mom. I am a very easy going person and regardless of the stress of worries..I made the choice to care for my mom, who was such a caring, nurturing and loving mom. It was the least I could do. I love her and miss her so much. I am having such a hard time dealing with this..cause I wasn't prepared for it and I don't believe anyone is ever prepared. Although, mom was 81. I wanted to share so much more with her..if only God gave me more time with her. Every single day is a memory of her. My entire house is a memory. She lived with me consistently for 5 years in her latter years. I just want to keep her forever and I wanted to express my grief. I want to find a way to move forward and find my motivation again. I am one to decorate and I am a traditionalist. I loved providing all the goodness of a good home to her. She became one of my kids and she was my little girl. I miss her so much, that my heart aches for her. I don't want her to be upset and not be at peace because of all of my crying and selfishness. I just need to learn to cope...and I believe every day will be a challenge. God I love and Miss her....<3

Missing mom...Vicki

[widower2]

Vicki, I'm so sorry for your loss as well. Yes it sounds cliche and anyone who reads my posts probably thinks "is he saying that again" - but it's true, gotta take one day at a time.