Sudden loss of dad

[kelly914]

It was a normal Saturday on January 26th, my 4-year-old son and I went over to my parents house to hang out for the day while my husband was at work. My mom had just been diagnosed with neuroendocrine pancreatic cancer in August of 2012, which hit our family extremely hard. Anyways, I was in the kitchen in the process of making potato salad when I heard my dad walk in the front door from playing tennis. I saw him out of the corner of my eye walk down the hall, and he hadn't said anything to my son which was odd. A few seconds later I heard a loud thud and saw him lying face first on the ground. I screamed for my mom and brother to come in.

I was freaking out, I couldn't even think of what to do even though I'm a nursing student, it was my dad...I couldn't comprehend what was happening. I called 911 and started chest compressions, but his face was blue, no pulse. The EMTs came and couldn't revive him.

One thing that really ticked me off was when we went to the ER to say goodbye to him, we could hear laughing out in the hall. The staff had to know there was a deceased man in that room and his family was in there, I can't get over how insensitive and careless that was.

Since his death was sudden and he really has no medical history since he wouldn't go to the doctor, he is a coroner's case. So our family is stuck waiting 8-12 weeks for the cause of death. Of course we know he has a history of hypertension and high cholesterol, so I'm sure it was his heart that gave out. I had recently been taking blood pressures for my school and he wouldn't even let me take his. I begged him to go to the doctor after my mom was diagnosed....I deep down knew he was a ticking time bomb as his dad had died of heart problems in his 50s. My dad always said "Lets get your mom better first." But then he always made comments on how my mom got sent from doctor to doctor and he didn't want to end up in that trap.

All of this doesn't mean anything since he is gone. He wasn't the type of man to show affection by saying "I love you" but he showed it by washing my car, helping me with things around my house. We had just gone to Home Depot to buy a new mailbox for my house since my old one is falling down, he was going to install it when the ground was warm. And he was the best grandpa to my son, I hurt more for my son than anything. We went over to their house at least 4 times a week. I wish I could have told him I loved him. We were all so worried about my mom, and I know it took a toll on him. I had myself prepared for my mom's death, I never thought his would come first. I still don't feel like it's real...I keep waiting for a sign from him. I have lost so much faith between his death and my mom's cancer. I'm not even 30 yet, I never thought I would not have my parents around.

I'm still haunted by the neighbor telling me my dad told her he has a bad heart and he would die before my mom. My dad would never talk about that to any of us. I feel like I failed as a daughter, I've been so busy with school and work I should have reached out to him more.

Sorry this is a lot of rambling but I'm still trying to get my thoughts and emotions in order.

[ModKonnie]

Kelly914,

I am so very sorry about the loss of your dad. I'm sure it was traumatic, and nursing student or not, it had to be absolutely terrible. You've come to a great community where people will be here to support you. You didn't fail him, and we all wish we'd have spent more time with those we lost, but well, they loved us anyway. How are you family members doing? Do you talk to others about your loss?

We will be here for you.

ModKonnie

[KennyB]

The insensitivity of emergency medical personel is astounding and I'm sorry you had to experience it as well. The day my mother died of an overdose the police also showed up. My father began exclaiming, "It's my fault, I killed her!" and they began questioning him. So by the time they loaded her into the ambulance and had her on the way to the hospital I was still staying behind to protect my father and explain what had happened to the police.

After everything settled down a bit and we were trying to get a ride to the hospital, not only did I over-hear the EMT workers talking about the baseball game that was on the night previously, but I also heard two police officers in the hallway outside of the apartment saying, "We should get a video camera in here, this would make an excellent training video."

Over the years I've had a lot of time to reflect on these incidents and I realize that these people deal with situations like this quite a bit, and have become a little bit desensitized to their envrionment in order to do their job. I actually had the fortune of sitting down and talking to an EMT and telling him about my experience and he was very apologetic and told me that he would always think about being more sensitive fom now on so that he never puts a family member through that kind of insensitivity.

I'm 24 years old and when this happened I was 19. It wasn't exactly an unexpected death as both my parents had overdosed on prescription drugs several times and they were both depressed and suicidal, but I can at least share in the feeling of being focused on my father's health and having the rug swept from underneath me with my mother's sudden death. I lost my father two years later as well, so I can very much relate to the feeling of, "I'm not even 30 yet, I never thought I would not have my parents around." Even despite the fact that they had poor health and even told me from an early age they would die young, I just always had dreams and the assumption that they would be there to counsel me in their old age.

The number one thing I would suggest right now is to nix the idea that you somehow failed your father. I've had to deal with tremendous guilt over the loss of my mother because I feel like I should have been able to get her sober, that I should have found her earlier, etc. The simple fact of the mater is that no one is in control of anybody else's health but themselves. I had to realize along the way that it was not my failing that my mother died, it was in fact her own. I know that might be a very hard thing to accept right now--to even think about it somehow being your father's failure, but it is certainly not your own. You cannot get peope to take care of themselves no matter how much you try or how much you love them, and the feelings of guilt surrounding such a thing are very profound. I had done so much to get my mother sober--taken her to clinic after clinic, dumped gallon after gallon and bottle after bottle of pills down the toilet, but despite doing everything in my power it was still out of my control. To be honest with you, I still have the feelings of, "Well I didn't try hard enough," to this day... But the important thing is just to remind yourself that isn't true.

[AlwaysHisGirl]

Though you are very young Kenny, you have written much that can be very helpful to Kelly. Bless you for sharing.

[kelly914]

ModKonnie,

Thank you. My mom is doing better than I expected, she has a lot of support though and she is focused on her health and getting better which is good. I'm not the type of person who can share my emotions easily, especially this loss. Sometimes I feel disconnected from my emotions and then other times it will hit me just from hearing a song on the radio that reminds me of him. If I didn't have my 4-year-old son I don't think I would be doing so well because I wouldn't have the motivation to continue on. And it's hard to talk to people about it when you know they haven't experienced a loss like this, they really don't know what you are going through. That's why I decided to come here.

KennyB,

Thank you for sharing your story with me, it means a lot. I'm sorry to hear you experienced the same insensitivty that my family did, I realize health care workers can become desensitized, but as a future nurse I hope I never become that insensitive. I've tried to talk to my brothers (they are twins, 25 years old) about how I feel I lost my whole support system with my dad being gone and my mom having cancer that's spread to her liver, and they said I was being selfish. But my parents were always there for me, and now I face the rest of my life without them, no holidays together, no birthdays, no calls to see if you are ok...it's so hard to comprehend. And then everyone says "be glad for the times you had with them" Well of course I'm thankful I had my parents for 28 years, but then I see all these people my age who still have their parents and it stings a lot. And look at me, I'm already preparing myself for my mom's death even though she's still here...I hate doing that I know the reality of the situation and I don't want to fool myself into thinking there is a cure.

Whether you lost your parents due to overdose or not, it doesn't matter. And at 19, I don't know how you got through that at such a young age. You must be very brave. I agree that blaming ourselves is a waste. We know my dad was having symptoms, the men he was playing tennis with said he had to sit out and one even said he followed him home. So he could have went to the ER, but he didn't. He always said he wanted to die suddenly, he didn't want to waste away. The sad thing is he was going to retire at 59 in October. It kills me to think he worked so hard for 30 years and doesn't get to enjoy retirement. I've lost so much faith, I don't know if I believe there is an after life after death. I thought I would feel his presence or something...I guess that is dumb to think.