Loss of 17 year old brother

[heaven90]

I am having trouble coping with my brothers death. He died in December of 2011 from a drug called Fentanyl. My father found him dead in his bed on a Sunday morning. He was my little brother, only 17 years old. He was a good kid. He made some bad choices but he was trying to change. He just got involved with the wrong kids. He was a follower, not a leader. He was about to graduate highschool. I have pictures of him in his gown and cap he took just before he died. He was an awesome person. There was never a dull moment with him. He always made you laugh because he had the most upbeat personality. It's hard living life without him here. All I do is think about him. I keep asking myself "why". Why did he take that drug? He new it was bad but he still did it. I'm not mad at him. I'm mad at the devil. The devil made him do this. He was a Christian. He got baptized before he died. He had faith in god so I know he went to heaven. But I want him here. I wish he was here. I wish god would send him back. I wish he would let him graduate, go to college, get married, have kids, have grandchildren, and grow old. I wish god would let him live a full life like most people because he was way to young to die. It makes me sad he can't live a long life. I know heaven is a better place but I still want him here. I can't hug him or hear his voice and it makes me irritated. I just want to scream and yell at the world. I keep myself isolated in my house because I just don't care about anything anymore. I need help. How am I supposed to deal with this? I am only 22 years old but I feel like I'm 90 because all of my energy and strength just disappeared. I have to force myself to get out of bed. My body hurts and I feel weak. My eyes are painful from crying so much. Can someone give me advice? I don't like feeling this way but I just miss my brother. Not being able to hug him and hear his voice is killing me.

[tobyfreefoot]

heaven90--i am so sorry to hear about the loss of your brother. my 28 year old son and his girlfriend died in a car accident july 3, 2011. my other children were 18, 22 and 24. they all struggle in their different ways and it is so very hard for them. it is of course hard for me as his mom but also i don't really know how to help them and that is sad for me too. i think we all have to find a way to make peace and feel their presence in our lives but the grief is so all enveloping at times and it feels like no one understands. you might want to go to the forum called loss of a child then click on loss of an adult child. i realize it is a forum for parents but it is very active-lots of people post and respond everyday and are dealing with the loss of kids the ages of you and your brother. they talk about their pain which in itself is helpful to have someone who understands. they share things that have helped them/their kids. i think you might find it worth visiting. i started going there about 8 months after my son died and it has literally been a lifesaver for me. i hope you will check it out. we would be there for you and glad to hear all about your wonderful brother when you feel like sharing. such nice pictures, he looks like he really was fun to be around. the tallest boy in this picture is my son forest when he officiated at my daughter's wedding. the other three are my other two boys and my daughter less than a year before forest died.

[MyAngelWearsCamo]

Heaven90--

I am so sorry to hear about your younger brother. My younger brother (17 yrs as well) died this past October. I am two years older, but we were extremely close to each other. He was more of a friend to me, not just a brother. I too feel the same sensations you do. I long to hear his voice and especially to hug him. It's not just something I want, I long for it, my chest tightens when I realize how much I just want to hug him and I can't. He to was going to graduate high school this year. He didn't go to prom last year, because he only wanted to go once. I was looking forward to seeing him all fancied up for prom. I was excited to see him walk across that stage and graduate. I was excited for his future, because once he sets his mind to what he wants to do, he does it. And all of that has not only been taken away from him, but from me to. The thing that always gets to me, and makes me the most upset is his future he no longer has. I was looking forward to seeing what he'd end up doing in life. Meeting the crazy lady who decided to marry him. Him being in my wedding. Having nieces and nephews. Him having nieces and nephews. And now I am left alone, to deal with this on my own. My parents are going through their own grief. I don't have other siblings to turn to. Sometimes it becomes so hard to handle, I am crying now as I write this. I was looking forward to so much in his life, and again, the future is what hurts me the most, because he isn't in it. I would love to talk personally (email or something) if that's something you think would help you to. It's so hard for me because other friends I know that have lost siblings, have other ones to turn to. I know pretty dang well how you feel, and it sucks. As for advice, I'm sorry but I don't have any. I'm still trying to figure that out for myself as well. Hang in there.