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My husband, my best friend, my soulmate


kathyl

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Labor Day 2012 - it was supposed to be the perfect day for us to relax and catch up on some of the sleep we were needing. A day to just relax before the madness of work and school started up again. Jeremy woke me at about 5am because he was extremely hot. I checked to see if he had a fever, and he didn't, but he asked for a cool washrag. I got out of bed, grumbling the whole time, got a cool wash rag and wiped down his back, and then his chest and stomach when he lay back down. When I woke up to use the restroom a couple of hours later, he was sleeping peacefully. Remembering that we were going to relax that day, I crawled back into bed. When I woke up a few hours later, Jeremy would not. He had died peacefully in his sleep.

Jeremy and I met online back in 1997, first met face-to-face in 1999, started dating in 2001, got married in 2007, and after almost five years of immigration battles, were finally able to live together in 2010. Since 1997, there were only a handful of days where Jeremy and I did not talk, whether online or on the phone or in person. He was my very best friend - the one person I could talk to about absolutely everything and anything.

Jeremy had muscular dystrophy, and was diagnosed at a very young age (18 months, I think). Originally he was not expected to live past the age of 5, then 7, then certainly not to ten. Finally, the doctors stopped giving any guess to a date, and Jeremy just lived his life one day at a time. One of the last times we visited his MD doctor, he explained that other people with the same strain of MD that Jeremy had seemed to degenerate for a while, then seem to plateau....indefinitely. That was so encouraging. Jeremy and I spoke about the "What If's" on occassion but all signs pointed to Jeremy carrying on in that physical state indefinitely. So as much as Jeremy's death was NOT a shock to many people, it still was a huge shock.

I miss him every minute of every day....and I know that things do get better as I have been through the grieving process before after losing others close to me (my father, and my oldest brother). I have even had moments in the last couple of months when I have felt slightly better and even though I still miss my Jeremy so much, I have had a few moments where I have been able to laugh and do know that life will go on, whether I want it to or not.

A week ago, I found out a close friend of Jeremy's passed away. As everyone kept talking about how the two of them were now together again, I found myself getting jealous because of the two of them being reunited. This friend's passing seems to have torn the scab off of the wound that was just starting to heal.

Life pretty much sucks. :(

Before Jeremy died, I worked part time, and had just started going to University full time to get my Bachelors Degree (I graduated in June 2012 with my Associates). In October, out of necessity, I took a full time position with the same employer, and was then working full time and taking classes full time as well. Then, in January, I was registered through work to take another course that is required to keep my job. So, as of right now, I work full time, and I am enrolled in two universities and one college making up a full time and part time course load.

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KathyL-

I'm sorry to hear about your losing Jeremy . I wanted to take a second to say hello, and tolet you know that there are a lot of people here, who have the same type of feelings, and all of us are working our way through them, one day at a time. I have found a lot of things here,that have helped me along the way, and met some very caring individuals here.

I lost my Dennis, to heart failure on the 26th of august. wee became close friends, while members at a website dedicated to a rock group, in 1996., online. we didn't see each other in person , until 1999, and we were married in 2000. it was like being two parts of one person- and no-one else has ever been that close or known me that well. I never had to be anyone , but myself, and he always loved me, just like i loved him, with no reservations. We knew there was a possibility he would not live to be old, and his health began to fail in 2003, but he seemed to be better, and we were having dinner, when he got up to go get something...and minutes later..it was too late . He was 'revived", but the damage was too severe, and he died 40 hours later, without ever regaining consciousness. I never expected it to happen this soon, and never that way, so sudden. I have days when i am ok, but the first few months were devastating.

I will never be the same, nor will I ever 'get over' this , but I will learn to live with it, as time goes by.

sometimes, there are people here in the chatroom, that you can talk to. Some are shy about going in, but will come in and talk if you go in first, and most are kind and willing to talk. the chat has some quirks, but it does sometimes help to have someone to talk with. Hope you find help here, or just a few friends, who care and will listen.

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Thanks for your reply. I'm sorry you are dealing with this same stuff, but it is nice to know that I am not completely alone. There are days where I feel like even the people I am closest too are expecting me to just miraculously be "okay" because time has passed. There are others who, while they are grieving as well, they tell me that they "are in the same place" as me and it just makes me so angry because until you lose your husband and best friend, I just don't think they can truly understand. Honestly, I hope they never have to truly understand this pain because it is just so intense at times.

it was like being two parts of one person-

I know this feeling all too well. Jeremy and I loved yin yang's because there was a piece of me in him, and a piece of him in me....and when we were together, we were complete. Since he died, I have physically felt that extension of myself missing.

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