unconditional love - my mum

[squi]

My mum choked on Sunday and stopped breathing, it all happened so quickly.

I had gone past her bedroom to get a drink from the kitchen, by the time I had picked up the bottle to open it I could hear screaming,shouting and crying.

I ran back and saw my dad trying to pat her back, she was already lifeless and had gone somewhere between blue and purple.

She had choked on her food and drinks so many times before but it had never got to that point, she would always tell us not to mess around being gentle, to whack her back as hard as was needed but this was the first time it was. My dad tried so hard to save her and now blames himself for her death. He thinks if he hadn't made her toast, she wouldn't have had anything to choke on. He also thinks his attempt at saving her had caused it.

The ambulance was called straight away and after a short period of time we were told she was gone and they were packing up ready to go. My dad wouldn't move trying to prevent them from leaving, begging then not to give up on her. When he did eventually move out of the way they apologised and told us there was 'something' there, she wasn't gone.

She was rushed to hospital and was put on life support, Monday morning we were told that she had brain damage and that the best we could hope for was that she would wake up and be physically disabled (which she was already)

He then said that if she didn't show a decent amount of progress by the next morning he planned to take her off life support.

Tuesday, we had someone else. He told us that she was dead and that it was caused by a sevre bleed in the brain due to diabetes. He told us we could decide if we wanted to keep her in life support but that the most we could hope for would be a week at most and that she would pass while on life support anyway.

He promised us that she wouldn't suffer if we kept her on.

He was also holding a lot back when we asked questions. One question my sister asked was 'will she have a fit or pass peacefully when taken off, after a long silence he answered 'yes' so she asked which is it, and again, a long pause and he eventually said 'the last one'.

He then told us he was going to do the scan again this morning, which he claims he did.

Today however, he told us he was taking her off life support with or without our permission, it would happen in the next couple of hours. Shortly after the nurse told us she was going to pull the plug and I asked for a little more time. We had around 10minutes.

We were told to leave while she did it and tbh I would have stepped out anyway as I just didn't know what to expect. We waited outside the room and she came out with a massive smile on her face and told us 'all done'. I know I'm sensitive to these things due to my loss but I really just wanted to punch her.

I understand that they do this everyday and that they can't let it effect them but I found the whole attitude towards the patients vile. One nurse was joking about having the spare bed just before she was taken off life support.

We stayed with her and held her hands while they were still warm, her eyes closed and within a couple of minutes she was gone.

We stayed by her side until she started to go cold and the colour of her skin was changing.

The only comfort I can get from this is that she went peacefully, we were there with her and had that time in the hospital. They say she was already dead but for me, she wasn't.

Her chest was moving, she was warm, her hands and eyes were twitching. She actually looked healthier on life support than she did before.

But this is what's so confusing, in the past she has been in hospital and recovered in spite of what the doctors said so it just didn't and still doesn't seem right to me.

She was pronounced dead when she had me, but started breathing again.

My sister was a twin, my mum had lost the boy and the doctors told her she needed a womb scrape but she refused over and over again demanding that they check, double check.

When they did they discovered my sister was still there.

Not only that but he had told us we could decide if we would keep her on life support, he didn't find any new information he simply confirmed his findings so why give us a choice then snatch it back?

We were told she was dead and can't feel anything at all but after telling us that they started giving her medication to ease the pain...

The only two people I was close to was my mum and dad.

One sister lives with us and the other would come round to see our mum, we wouldn't see eachother or speak otherwise. The thing with our family is that its divided between me and my dad and my two sisters and their dad. My mum was the one who held us together, she would stand up for me when my sisters and their dad would treat me like nothing. She was there to make sure I was treated the same, I was her daughter too and she wasn't going to let me get pushed out.

Now she's gone and its happening already,Both me and my dad are prime targets.

My sisters dad is already talking about getting rid of everything in my mums room and redecorating it to use himself. Me and my dad have to find somewhere else to live and right now I don't care about being homeless. The thought of seeing my mums stuff being thrown out etc so soon is heartbreaking.

Due to sevre anxiety and depression I haven't got a job, no friends, I can't go out alone.

I thought my life wasn't worth living before this and now I'd give anything to get that life back.

I couldn't go out and enjoy a normal life but I could walk into my mums room any time day or night and she would make me laugh everytime.

Now that's gone and all I want to do is go with her.even if it turns out there's no such thing as a afterlife, at least I'd be dead and it would finally be over. I have no purpose in life, I'm simply trotting along by myself until death takes me. When I look back at all the times I stayed in my room or just walked past her door without saying anything I hate myself even more.

I can't even remember what I last said to her or what she said to me.

I look back at times where I was a brat and wonder why she even put up with me.

My sisters have Kids and I hate the jealousy I feel towards them for it.

They have kids to live for, our mum spent time with her grandchildren and that's something that will never happen if by some miracle I ever have kids.

They both have partners and friends to help them, I have neither.

The only person I have left is my dad and now I'm petrified of losing him, I'd sooner die first.

He was crying in my room last night and said he wanted to be with my mum, after that I actually thought about asking him if we could just both end our lives now.

I know its twisted and I didn't ask but in my mind, it makes sense.

I can't talk to him about her death, I feel like he is either bringing me down even further or I'm bringing him down. For the past couple of days I've had people drilling in my head that she was going to survive which made me want to be on my own as I couldn't handle having false hope but now when they make comments to remind me of the fact she's not coming back I feel the same way.

I've closed myself in for so long now,spending all day in my room alone, its like a safety net.

I know its not working, I've sacrificed a normal life but it just seems so much easier.

I've been looking for support groups to attend in person to try and force myself out of this but its just too easy to give up. I apologise for how long this turned out to be,everything is just building up

[ckinsobe]

Your situation sounds very difficult, I hope you find some support and help in dealing with it. Please contact a support group or if you are feeling really low even a suicide hot line. Reach out somewhere more personal than the internet it will give you better options to deal with it all. Good luck.