Nearing the year anniversary of my father's death, grief feels worse now than a year ago

[uwfan27]

A little back story, I was never close to my father and am an only child (29, F). I am not particularly close to his side of the family either. But I still loved him and when I was a minor I spent every other weekend and several weeks during summer break with him. (He and my mom divorced when I was about 2)

However, during the time I spent with him he was either an alcoholic (when I was age 0-6) or in alcohol recovery (ages 6-16) and then got into Heroin and developed an addition from the time I was about 16 onward. The only thing is, I didn't realize the Heroin part. So as he became more and more addicted he became less and less available and I didn't really understand why (or maybe I just didn't want to know, so I didn’t ever think very hard about it). Luckily I am close to my mom and her family so it felt like I was spared any effects of my father's drug addiction...

But I was wrong. It was a year ago that I found out he was hospitalized and I went to visit him at the hospital, having not seen him for a year. He looked horrible, skinny, unhealthy looking, missing teeth, the whole dope look. It was awful to see. Over the next month his health declined more and more until he ultimately was on life support and because I was the next of kin, I had to make the decision to take him off life support. There was no will or healthcare directive so that was a hard decision to make as a 28 year old. I had some distant relatives from his side of the family around me, but they could only do so much. I felt I just had to hold it together and "be strong". In hindsight, I was probably just scared to really let it out.

So once the decision was made to take him off life support, I left. Being in that sterile hospital room paralyzed me with fear. I couldn't handle sitting with him as he died, knowing it could take days. Think what you want but I knew it wasn't something I could handle at the time. I regret it a little, now looking back, but I still think I would make the same decision. I do wish I had said goodbye better than I did, but we were never very good at talking even when everything was healthy. I can’t change the past now.

So now he's in the ground and I feel like I have little to no closure. I don't have any family on his side that I feel comfortable grieving with and the few I might were so incredibly angry with him for destroying his life the way he did, so I don't feel comfortable with them in that sense. We didn't have a formal funeral; instead we decided to have a "celebration of life" on his birthday about 6 months after his passing. It was nice, but I wasn't able to cry for some reason, and I know really needed to

Does anyone have any suggestions on what I can do to get closure or at least some relief? I have a few voice mails saved from him, but he sounds so stoned in them (now that I know he was). I don't know if it's helpful or harmful to listen to them....

Things felt fine for most of this past year, but the anniversary of his death has brought all these feelings back, and I just can’t stand it. I feel like I need to cry, sob, scream, but I'm afraid to completely let go. But something inside me won't let that happen. Little bursts come out, but I can't just LET IT OUT and LET GO.

Also, side note, I have thought visiting his grave site, but I am unable to drive right now due to a new diagnosis of epilepsy (one more thing to deal with right now). And it’s too far to get to by bus and probably a $100 taxi ride. And I know I could ask someone to drive me, but again, I am not able to cry in front of others. What is wrong with me?!?!?

Thanks for reading, sorry this is so long. I appreciate any and all advice.

[ModKonnie]

uwfan27,

I am so sorry about the loss of your father. It sounds as though you have certainly been through a lot, and it is probably difficult to allow yourself to feel and grieve. The first anniversary can stir up emotions as strong and fresh as the day someone dies.

One thing that can help you is to write down your feelings in a journal, talk to someone or consider going to a counselor. For you, an Al-Anon meeting offer you some insight into ways to process the impact your father's addiction had on you. It's for families of addicts, particularly alcoholics, but you will definitely benefit.

You had a tough decision to make, and you made it. Try not to beat yourself up. You made the right decision, and you made it because you cared.

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

[widower2]

but again, I am not able to cry in front of others. What is wrong with me?!?!?

Not a danged thing my friend. I think the most important thing for anyone to realize/remember about grief is this:

THERE IS NO RIGHT/WRONG WAY TO DO THIS.

Whatever works for you is what is "right." This is not a math test or a 10K marathon race. etc. This is YOUR journey, no one else's. It's therefore pointless to try and compare yourself to others. You must go about it in your own way.

Give yourself time. You have been through so much in so many ways, I can't imagine. I'm very sorry and wish you all the best.

[karebear]

Nothing is wrong with you, I can't cry in front of others either. I feel embarrased or ashamed that I am being weak. I want to be alone a lot and when I am a lot of things make me cry and bring back the grief and pain. I don't try to be sad but I am not over it yet. I guess I don't want others to see me as weak or not able to cope. We all grieve in our own way and own time, don't feel bad because you are not doing it like everyone else, everyone else might be doing it different too. I didn't have to deal with the addiction issues but I did have to see my dad looking pretty bad at the end and stayed with him that last night. I had 14 hours of suffercation to say goodbye right and there is never enough time to say it all. Like you I spent a lot of my time paralyzed by fear and overwhelmed by emotion. I normally talk a lot but that night my dad had to ask if I were still there because I couldn't find the words. I have lots of regrets now about what wasn't said but like you there is nothing I can do about that.

There is no magic solution. Counselling works for some and not others. I find responding to these posts is helping me. Sharing your feelings in a safe environment is a big step for me. I couldn't let go for a long time and even now I can't let it totally go which I think is why I am still struggling. It will happen when it is the right time and not before. God's time for healing not mine.

I find that I feel isolated and alone a lot of the time and through this site it became apparent that we are all feeling that way. Maybe feeling that way is the normal. I don't know how to help you other than to say if you ever need to talk look me up. We are all here for you. Hang in there.

Karebear

[AlwaysHisGirl]

Hello, I thought this quote on grief might help a little. Also, I would suggest you read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I really think that would help you.

“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.”

― Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and John Kessler