Family Support Waning

[lamp]

It's been nearly 3 weeks since Dad died and already I feel support within my family waning. Has anyone else experienced this? My mother scolded me for putting my life on hold and not helping her take care of things she needed taking care of. It's as if she's already done grieving!! I'm trying to understand her perspective - yes, Dad was sick a very long time and she had to live w/it 24/7, but I so wish I had a more sensitive mother who would understand how I'm feeling. Then, yesterday, I got a double whammy from my oldest daughter and my husband. My daughter said I shouldn't bring up Grandpa and my memories of him so much because it will just make the grieving process that much harder. I was so stunned that I could only sputter out that she will someday feel what I'm feeling when her daddy is gone. My husband said I seemed to be dwelling on it too much and that I should "Be tough. You can't change what happened, so get over it and move on." The one person who should be in my corner, who should be empathetic as his own dad is dying, who should've been my rock, devastated me. I immediately started crying and he offered a lame apology about that is the way he is (emotionless, like Mr. Spock), that is the way he's grieving and he thinks that's the way I should grieve too. I am so upset about this that I decided to stay home today from work, which is probably a good thing as I haven't been able to focus on anything. The only people who completely understand me are my sister and my best friend.

[ForeverRemembered]

I went through this exact situation, only it is my mother who past away. My mom was also sick for a long time and my dad took care of her 24/7. When my mom past away, it was as if my sister and my dad were almost relieved and I felt like they didn't even care. Honey, I have learned that I was so very wrong. My mother past away in September of 2012 and my father just phoned me on Friday in tears that he missed my mom. Lately, he has seemed down and depressed. He recently got the flu and he was really missing my mom. I have realized that he is just now grieving, in the way I grieved for my mom back in September. Maybe when someone takes care of a loved one 24/7 for a long time, their death may be a relief for them. This is why they say that everyone grieves at different times and different ways. I think it depends on what the relationship was before the death of this loved one. I can totally understand this, but it has taken me 4 months to realize it. When you are grieving, you want nothing more for everyone to feel the same way. Maybe this is God's way of teaching us to help each other. If we all grieved the same way, at the same time, it would be difficult to handle. You mom scolding you or lashing out on you is just her way of dealing with the situation. She is looking at you, the exact same way you are looking at her. Does that make sense? You just have to ride it out and deal with things the best way you can. It has only been 3 weeks. You are still in the heavy stages of grieving. Give it time. I was so sad and then my sadness turned into a lot of anger towards my father and my sister. Thank goodness it all seems to be leveling out. I still have my moments of needing to let it all out and just cry for awhile, but I am getting a lot stronger.

As far as your daughter goes....that is another grieving difference. You can't compare your emotions to her emotions. Just give it time and try to know that we are all different, and we all grieve in different ways. My 12 year old daughter cried one time, and never seemed to care after that moment. My 9 year old son, was the exact opposite. He told me to take down all the photos of my mom. I took the photos down, but I told him that I was going to put them back up when he felt better. He just couldn't bare to see a picture of her. He didn't want to talk about her either. A few weeks ago, we were in a store and he pointed out a lady who looked just like my mom. I was so proud of him and I told him how happy it made me feel to see someone who looked like my mom. I told him that I really don't want to stop talking about her, and I don't want to forget about her. Ever since that day, he has talked about her more and more. He even told me that it was okay to hang a photo of her.

The people around you, they are trying to help you. I know that sounds odd, but they are. I NEVER would I have imagined the pain that I feel today in the loss of my mom. She was sick for a long time. I thought I was prepared. The people around you may not understand just how deep your pain is, and even if they do understand...there is nothing that they could say to make the pain go away. Only time will help. Just keep telling them how you feel as calmly as you can. Tell you daughter that you need to talk about your dad. I had to talk about my mom in order for me to continue to heal. Tell your husband that he must be patient with you. I talked to my husband a lot about my mom. It made me feel better, however I could see that it was wearing on him. He started to get a look on his face, and I could tell he was over it. I ended up going to talk with a counselor and I totally recommend it. Even if you go one time it may be worth it for you. Boy, how great it felt to let it all out to this man who I had never met! I talked about my anger towards my dad and my sister. I talked about everything. I told him, "I don't want any medications either!!!....unless you think I need to be one some." LOL! He told me, that at that time, I didn't need any medications because all the feelings that I was feeling was NORMAL. That was priceless! Normal! All these crazy feelings were NORMAL.

If you can't talk to your family about your dad...come to this site. I would love to hear about your dad! Whether you want to talk about his death or about what kind of a dad he was to you. Come here and write it all out! It may make you feel better, it did me. No one here will judge you. We are all in the same situation and the amount of understanding and patience on this site is overwhelming. Most importantly, you are not alone.

Hugs!