really feeling down today

[dsmurph]

Today I woke up feeling it. I could have stayed in bed if I did not have to get up to teach and take care of my youngest daughter. It seems like the worst I have felt since Emily passed. But I'm sure it is not. I feel like I am stuck deep in this place that I can not seem to get out of. It almost feels like a foreign place where everything is in slow motion. I feel this overwhelming sadness along with anxieties. The anxieties hit me real hard, I feel it in my chest and my stomach, almost stopping me from what I am trying to do, making me take long deep breaths. I'm not trying to be funny but it makes me think of when I had labor pains but, in my chest and upper stomach. I have had very little sleep lately so, I am sure that is not helping any. My mind also replays that day, finding her and after. I pray that I never have anything so painful in my life again. Truly, how much can a person take? This is another moment, another day to get through, just get through.

[Guest]

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[JD99501]

It's really hard when people rely on you.........but I let everyone know there are days when you I just can't do it. I would have one of the GOOD people in your life be onstand by. Your human you know, feeling, caring, loving, hurting being. No guilt? Why? If a man lost his leg wouldn't he be excused on the days he can't walk? Why is this so different?

[dsmurph]

Thank You Lora, I made mymyself take My 6 year old to her science club at 4:00. I felt somewhat better when we got back. I cooked one of Emily's favorite dishes and made Pumpkin bars for today. It had pretty much lifted by then. I was exhausted. But, still did not sleep well. That is a norm though. I am surprised when I do sleep through the night.

Thank you Surreal, I know, there are a couple of people who I trust with my daughter, who would be more than happy to take her for a while. At this point I hold so tight unto her because she keeps me stable and I know she gets sad too. So, I explain to her that I'm not feeling well. I did make it through school work though. It seems to be always in my kitchen when i feel everything the most. It;s really wierd. That is when I felt the most panicy yesterday.That is where I felt Emily with me so strong a while ago.