Abusive ex boyfriend ruined my world

[Hurtingmommy]

I started dating an older man 4 years ago, he didn't want babies, and I did. We knew we'd have to break up one day an lead separate lives.

I was taking antibiotics that cased my birth control to fail... I was so happy when I found out I was pregnant. I thought he would be too... I was very wrong. He yelled at me and called me nasty things. He took awhile to calm down, but everything went back to normal. Sometimes though he'd whisper in my ear that I was the most disgusting woman in the world and he knew our baby wasn't his.

I left an ultrasound picture out while I was looking for the baby book I was putting together. He came home before I could get the picture and ripped it up in front of me. I cried but knew my mom had a copy so I sucked it up.

I'll never forget the worst night of my life. I was six months pregnant and He came home from work in a very bad mood. I fixed him some dinner and listened to him complain about his day. I'll never know why but I said "oh poor dad had such a long day, let's clean up and go to bed, baby."

He stopped and said "what the f... Did you just day?" I told him it was an accident and I was sorry, he got up and started walking toward me. I knew what was going to happen. I tried to get away, but I couldn't he punch my stomach, he kicked me, he body slammed me. I tried to cover my stomach and curl into a ball. It was no use... He finally stopped, left me on the kitchen floor and went upstairs.

I cried for an hour, and started going into labor. I called my parents and they rushed me to the hospital, I gave birth to my son shortly after. My boyfriend called my dad's phone and asked what happened then he showed up. He held the baby for a little then left... My son passed away in my arms a few hours later. I didn't tell anyone until about half an hour later. I just wanted to hold him in my arms a little longer.

I tried to kill myself on my son's original due date. I woke up in the hospital the next day and my ex was there. It was the ultimate slap in the face. I was in the physiatrics ward for three weeks, when he came to see me he told me he was hurt that I put "my darling son" on his headstone and my last name not his. I spit on him and told him I hated him.

I live alone now. I moved out after I was released. I go see my baby every Friday, I've kept everything I bought him, I just can't seem to throw it away... I bought him a little blue bunny before I had him, I buried it with him. I bought another one to keep with me, and when I have a bad day I cuddle with it.

I feel crazy, I don't think anyone understands. I was hoping maybe someone here would.

[JD99501]

I never understood guys like that. Never understood at all.

I guess some people are just plain evil.

I grew up in a crazy house like the one you described. My mom was fruit cake like that towards me. Alcohol is what made her loopy.

I just had to accept it wasnt me. Just plain stupidity between her and her issues.

Peace to you. As crazy as this might sound everyone pays a debt for being that way. Everyone I ever knew that was like that have all had to pay it.

[dsmurph]

I pray that you take care of yourself and learn that you are worth more than a man like that. I know nothing can take away the loss of your son. But one day, you will find a healthy relationship and possibly have much more than you ever dreamed. Loosing a child is a very painful reality that we are forced to get through every day. I just know you have to make yourself get through. That is all we can do. You will see him again one day.

[Hurtingmommy]

When I go to the store I always look at the baby clothes for the age he would be. Sometimes I even put them in my cart... I don't feel like that's normal.

I hide his things when people come over. I don't want anyone to know I still have them, I hate to think what they'd say.

[rachel atkinson]

Hi

Firstly im so sorry for the loss of your son. I understand your heartache as i lost my son Aaron in September 2012. He was a full term baby but he was born with heart defects which went unnoticed at scans. Finally he passed away because of kidney failure. I dont think you should have to hide your sons things away. We had decorated our sons room and bought everything for him and I cant bear to get rid of anything. We returned his pram as it was unused and was just in the way but we have kept everything else. To be honest what harm is it doing keeping them. Even when I am ready to sort his room all his clothes will just get packed up but kept. Like me that is all you have of your son as you never got to bring him home.

Take care

[Hurtingmommy]

I actually threw the clothes away once before, but couldn't handle knowing they weren't in my house with me.

His mom sent me a card with a gift card in it on my baby's birthday, but I threw it away. I'd always remember what I bought with it and it would kill me. She always calls me too, but I never answer. I don't have anything to talk about...

He called me that day too. I was short with him and said he didn't know what my problem was because he's apologized already. He blatantly said "you know it's not hard to have another one."

My son isn't something I can just replace and get over it...

[rachel atkinson]

I think it would proberly be best to cut all contact then with your ex as you are never going to be able to forgive him. His attitude now and lack of real remorse are horrible. To think one apology can make up for the loss of your son at his hands is disgusting. I know like you said another baby wont replace or stop you hurting about your son but at some point in the future hopefully you will meet a nice man and your dream for a family will become real.Me and my husband are going to try for another baby. We have been trying for over 12 years. So to have one for such a short time just to be taken away is horrible. It just means we are going to have to start our IVF again which is something we finally thought we had done with. I think the important thing is to do what feels right for you and noone else.

[Hurtingmommy]

He cane to my apartment today. I thought it was someone else that's why I answered. He demanded to know why I never return his calls. I told him I had no reason to.

He went through my fridge and yelled at me because the only thing in it was a bottle of wine. He asked me if I knew how gross I look and how I used to be so beautiful. I've lost a lot of weight since my baby died. I went from a size 5 to a 1.

If I didn't have to feed my cat I'd probably never wake up. I don't care about anything anymore, I don't go out, I quit my job awhile ago, and try to stop anyone from coming over.

I went to my room and he followed me. He saw the little blue bunny I have still and told me it was stupid... I cried, I don't think it's stupid... It reminds me of my baby. He threw it on the floor, so I picked it up and and held it close. He shook his head and walked out...

I could hear him talking to my cat before he left.

It was such a horrible day... I can't stop crying. I wish I could just forget, I just want my baby for one more day. I'm such a failure, I failed my son, I probably just didn't deserve him in the first place.

[dsmurph]

I encourage you to read, Embraced By the Light," by Betty J. Eadie. It may help you look at things and your life a little differently. I wish I could hug you right now. Bless You Dear One

[Hurtingmommy]

I had to go to the store last night, I tend to go later to minimize my chances of running into someone. I was looking at prices when I heard someone say my name, I just put my hand up to shield my face from being seen and then someone touched my shoulder.

I looked up and it was his two younger sisters. They asked me what I was doing and how I was. I didn't ask back, I just answered. One of them got the hint I didn't want to be talked to. The other didn't, she started going on and on about their family. Their daughters, how one is the star of the soccer team, and the other gets to lead the school play, and the third is still smartest in the class. (my son would've been the first boy in their family, and the first grandchild in mine, I'm an only child.)

I couldn't get away... I just wanted to break down and cry.

Why do they get milestones and I don't? Why was I the one who felt my child go limp in my arms? Why am I the one who wakes up all alone? Why did I have to be so stupid to stay with him?

[momof12minus1]

I am so sorry for your loss. Wow! what a story! How anyone could be so cruel is beyond my understanding. But this I know, that you have a purpose and your pain and your loss is not in vain. Your story is going to help so many people. You have already helped me more than I can say. The fact that you are writing and looking to release some of your pain and hurt and anger just proves that you are a fighter. Be strong dear one.

[Hurtingmommy]

His original due date is approaching... Every day it gets a little harder to go on. In a perfect world I'd be sending invitations, buying decorations and a cake, and spending my time with my little guy.

He was just small but you could see how much he looked like my ex even that early on. He had his chin and nose, and my lips. He was so handsome. We only took four pictures of him because you could see his little broken bones. It was so horrible...

Lately I've been asking why he didn't just kill me too... Or why they found me after I tried suicide. I know it would've hurt my parents, but the pain in my heart is the worst in the world.

I just want to celebrate his first birthday.

[Hurtingmommy]

Double post

[Hurtingmommy]

It's his original date today... And the day I tried to kill myself... I'm so lost and alone. I can't do it anymore, I just want to die.

[hotrod]

Hurtingmommyy

I do understand the terrifble pain that you are experiencing. Please, please reach out for help Call 911 or a women's hot line in your community You do not have to be alone with this pain any longer There is help available

You are in my prayers

[dsmurph]

I'm also understand your pain. I'm so sorry for your loss. I pray that Our Father carry you through this grief and show you ways to cope. Hang in there. There will be brighter days. Try calling hospice, they have a suppot group. I think united way does too.

[Hurtingmommy]

I went to see him today, and I felt someone walk up behind me they started stroking my hair. It was my ex. He sat there with me and asked if we could go to dinner. I told him yes and we both went home and got ready.

We were both quiet all through dinner, then I made the mistake of asking about his court case with the state over our son's death. He told me he beat it...

He asked if he could have copies of the pictures that were taken of the baby for his mom. We went to my house then went to the store to print them. Our song came on as we drove and I started to cry and told him I wanted to kill myself.

It was the first time I've seen him cry about any of this. He told me he can't lose me. After we got the pictures we went to my house and watched a movie, I cried more than watched it though. I could feel him getting annoyed but I didn't care.

I hope with all my heart there's a heaven and my baby got to go... I hope he knows I love him and that I'm so very sorry. I hope he can forgive me <\3