forgiving my dad for dying

[sherib06]

hi, my dad died suddenly 2 years ago . i'm having a hard time forgiving him for leaving me, he was my best friend and the only parent that accepted me for what i am.miss him so much. he was not a perfect man but he was to me. i could talk to my dad about anything and i did. he didn't help the cause of his death i think it could have maybe been avoided he was an alcoholic and died from a massive stroke to both sides of the brain. he was cremated and i still have his ashes. my mom tells me i should spread his ashes somewhere but i don't want to it's all i have left of him. i do see a therapist every week and we have gone over this a thousand times. she has helped me but said it might be good to talk with other people who are in similar situations. i have tried coping skills like meditation, stop thought, which i'm terrible at, journaling , deep breathing but nothing seems to work more than 10 minutes. i feel guilty about being madd at him and always wonder if there was something i could have done to help him quit drinking like maybe moving in with him and trying to help him. if anyone has any suggestions for me on any of this i would really appreciate it i just feel so confused and all these feelings just keep getting all mixed together in my head and i can't figure out how to deal with them.

thank you !

[ModKonnie]

Sheri06,

I am so sorry about the loss of your dad. I can tell you that you couldn't have stopped him from drinking, if that's what he wanted to do. Change comes from within a person, and no amount of nagging, loving, yelling, forcing, helping or anything else is going to change a person if that person isn't ready to change.

It is a good idea to talk with others who may have experienced similar situations. Perhaps you should consider joining a self help grief and loss group in your area. Also, coming here may help.

So, why are you angry at your father? Do you think he chose to die to leave you alone? Do you blame him for his death?

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

[karebear]

Sorry to hear about your dad. I lost mine in May and even though his was caused by a workplace hazard that he couldn't have prevented I understand being mad about being left behind. I had a grandpa who died some years ago from serosis of the liver due to alcohol. He drank all his life and lived with us for a few years. Even when he lived with us, and we did not enable his drinking one bit, he still found ways to drink. I look at his life and see the alcohol very much like cancer. For some people it is a disease that they cannot stop. I know we see drinking as a choice but to his body it was not. It was a terrible death, long and painful but in the end it was the only way free of the disease for him.

I had dreams when my dad died, a lot were of him in a coffin or in his hospital bed. One dream in particular had me wake up crying. In this dream he told me that I had to let go of my guilt over something that was said and that it was time to let him go and give it over to God. He looked at me with his beautiful blue eyes that had so much love and told me I needed to let him go now.

Sometimes I think we hold onto strong emotions like anger because it is a way of holding onto the person we have lost, like keeping your dad's ashes. I think when you are ready to let go of him you will find the anger slipping away and that you will be able to make peace with yourself over your loss. No one can tell you when that should happen so don't let anyone tell you to hurry. For some people that is a year for others, many years. I am not there yet and it has been 8 months for me. Don't feel bad about feeling the emotions you are feeling. They are honest emotions and you have every right to feel them. I am sure your dad loved you very much and is proud of the person you have become today.

If you ever want to talk, message me or others on this site, lots of good listeners here.

Your friend,

Karebear