Loss of my father has killed me inside

[Lost Soul 69]

Really new at this...so please bare with me...My father past away 7/30/12 and yet it feels just like it was yesterday...he had been sick for awhile,in and out of the hospital...everyday he struggled more and more to breath. He had a bad heart,as well as copd,and a long list of other problems. The last time he was in the hospital the Dr told him their was nothing else they could do for him but make him comfortable..he told the Dr he wanted to go home..so we took him home..my sister and I took turns staying day and night to help my mom with him..he was not able to get out of bed..had hardly no use of his arms or hands so we had to do everything for him..I wanted to..you see my dad took care of me my whole life..he was the 1 person in my life that I knew beyond a doubt always loved me know matter what I did right or wrong in my life he never stopped loving me..and no matter how hard I tried it was not enough to save him..and now he is gone and I feel so dead inside,so lost and alone..I don't know how to go on living...I have shut people out..its like I can't see the light for the darkness...and the people that have talked to me tell me I have to stop dwelling on it or I need to get over it...and these people have not lost a parent so how can they say that..they have no clue...I dont know what to do...I just know I am so lost..I feel like I'm in such a deep dark hole that I will never climb out or if I even want too...I miss my dad so much..I was holding his hand when he took his last breath,everytime I close my eyes that is all I see..is his life slipping away...I know it is going on 6 months since he passed but like I said it feels like it was yesterday...if anyone can help me I will forever be grateful...Thank You for time

[kaycee42]

Sending you hugs and prayers take care of yourself

[karebear]

I am so sorry for your loss, I can't help you get over this because I like you am still in it myself but I am there for you if you need to talk or someone to share with. I lost my dad in May, I don't think people understand that there isn't a specific time or process to grief. They figure once the funeral is done the healing begins and I disagree. I am still hurting and like you I close my eyes and see my dad dying in a hospital bed unable to do anything to stop it. I feel like there were things I should have said that night and that by not saying them I failed him. The truth is that I have not failed him, I was there when he needed me to be there and although he is in a better place it does not make me feel better. I don't take joy in friendships I used to have, nor things I used to like to do. I am depressed and there is nothing I can do to end the depression. Having said that, I have to try each day to find some way to get through. I go on because I know that my dad is with me each step and is proud that I am trying to go on. I am not alone and it is ok to hurt. Don't let anyone rush you through grieving your loss, it is ok to grieve as long as you need, and when it is time to heal, slowly, it is ok to do that too. Your dad might not be here in body anymore but like mine I believe your dad is with you now and always will be.

Your friend,

Karebear.

[RobbG]

You are not doing anything wrong, there is no RIGHT way to go about this. I've been going through the same process as you. My Dad passed unexpectedly on Nov. 4. I shut myself inside my house and haven't really done much besides go to work and come home. I didn't tell many people at work about what happened because I didn't want a discussion or a bunch of random advice or death comparison stories. I can't say much that will be of use to you except you are lucky that you know your Dad loved you very much. That's the only thing that keeps me going sometimes, that my Dad loved me and I loved him. I know he knew that when he passed. I miss him like crazy and would give up anything for another moment with him but at least when all this horror and shock goes away I will have great memories of him as I am sure you will too.

There is no timetable for what you are going through, cope on your own time and don't be afraid to ask for help. Don't let anyone tell you to "get over it". You'll learn to live with it but it's going to take time. I wish you the best.