Loss of my father

[Benlaura12]

Hello.

I lost my father on December 23 2012. He was only 58. He died of a heart attack in his sleep. I don't understand why this happened. He lived in Italy and I live in Canada. In italy they do not embalm bodies so my sister and i had to fly out 6 hours after we found out. the doctor came to the house and just said it was a heart attack but we will never know. We used to talk everyday either on Skype or bbm. I am so lost without him. He used to help me with everything.

I currently just got married in August of 2012 and everyone keeps telling me that he at least got to walk me down to aisle and saw me get married. I am so happy for that but I keep thinking when people say that is "ya but he will never get to meet my kids". My husband said yes he will meet our kids from above but it's not the same.

We planned a memorial mass for my dad and I made a slideshow filled with pictures and videos and his song that he wanted to be played at his funeral. That was one of the hardest thing I had to do. Now that song he wanted to be played keeps replaying in my head. (In living years by mike and the mechanics)

Also I keep thinking about what my fathers body looks like now. I know I should not be thinking that but i keep thinking about it.

Lastly, my husband and I are fighting non stop now and it's hurting me.

So the questions I need to ask..

1: will I ever find out what really happened?

2: how can I stay positive when this happened?

3: why are my husband fitting non stop now?

4: how can I get the picture of my fathers body out of head?

5: not that I want to but I am a newlywed, when is ok to start having sex again with my husband. I am scared to because my father is watching etc.

6: lastly I haven't been crying lately and I feel like I should be, I feel like my dad is disappointed that I am not sad or hurt or crying.

Please help. I am so lost, confused, and hurt. I need and want my daddy back

[foozball3000]

Hi,

I lost my dad on the 24th, his accident was on the 23rd. So we're pretty much going through the same things.

For what it's worth, my life is falling to pieces because of it. All my projects, art and even my job is crashing to the ground.

After a long talk to a friend of mine today I decided that if it's true that when it rains, it pours... I'm just going to let go and go with the flow. Because struggling against all the bad stuff that seems to accompany the loss of my dad was exhausting and killing me. Somehow I know that I'll be okay.

I'm not sure if this is of any help.

[karebear]

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad last year too. I had a lot of the same questions and concerns as you did and the only thing I can do is share my own experience, but for a lot of these questions the answers are very different for each one of us.

Will you ever find out what happened? You may or may not, I also went seeking answers after my dad died and had the hospital do an inquiry on many different things but even when we got the answers back they were only partial answers. The answers we got did not give me the peace I was seeking. I thought that if only I knew what happened it would make things easier but it didn't. It couldn't give me back one moment with my dad or give me anymore peace than I had.

How can I stay positive when this happened? I faked it at first when I was around others and when I was alone or late at night when I was at rest I fell apart. I still fall apart, it is becoming further and further in between crying times but they are still there. I am still wounded and will be I suspect for some time. The positivity has started to return but it has been slow. Give yourself time to be sad first, allow healing to happen when you are ready and slowly you will find it coming back to you.

Why are my husband and I fighting now - it happened to me to. In my case it was a few things. I was angry that he didn't support me in the way I needed him to sometimes and didn't understand what I was going through, I know he was there for me the best way he knew how but it was not what I wanted or expected and he let me down and it hurt so I lashed out at him and he got frustrated with me and lashed out at me. The other thing was that I was hurting bad and he was the one I felt safe enough to vent my anger at. I was angry for my dad dying but I couldn't take it out on him, I was angry at what happened with the hospital but I couldn't take it out there so I took it out on him. When you are going through a stressful time you often lash out at those that are the closest, it is natural. Explain to him what you are feeling and why you are getting so angry and he is probably better able to deal with things. The other thing I found is that my patience was gone, I didn't have the patience to put up with what previously I had, and I have no idea why it was gone but it was.

How can I get the picture of my fathers body out of my head, I can't honestyly say how since I can't stop remembering my dad lying in his hospital bed. But I think prayer helps, its helped me anyway. I think the thought or memory is just so powerful that it may be burned in there for a long time to come.

When is it ok to have sex again, I am normally a fairly active person myself, married for only a few years and after dad left my desire did for a while too. I struggled even after it started to return with guilt and not wanting my dad to see us from above. The truth is that I had to come to terms with allowing myself to return to a happier place in order to enjoy sex again and I believe that although my dad is always there if I need him and watching over my life, I don't think he is watching me 24/7 like a reality tv show.I think that somethings are blocked from heavens view from our loved ones and this is one of them, I have no idea if this is true but it helps me.

I don't think your dad is disappointed with you, i think you are in shock, shock deep enough that you can't let go yet. Our mind is a funny thing it will will protect us when something is happening that is just to painful to deal with. I was like that too at first. I didn't understand why I couldnt't let go and cry like everyone else. When the time is right, when you are ready to let go a bit you will find that recalling happy memories or sad missed future moments with your dad will bring the tears flowing and it will be hard to stop them. It just doesn't seem real sometimes, pain that is that strong makes dealing with things like crying impossible.

I have no idea if anything I said helps but if you ever need to talk send me a message, we are all here for each other.

Your friend,

Karebear

[RobbG]

I am sorry you have to go through this. I lost my Dad on Nov. 4th. He passed away in his sleep of a heart attack as well. He got to see my get married, he was my best man, but will never meet his grandkids. I never even got to tell him my wife and I were trying. We were saving that news until Thanksgiving. I regret that so much as all he wanted was a grandchild to spoil. A lot of people tell me he will see my life from above but I am not spiritual and it's of no comfort to me.

As to your questions, I am no expert but I am dealing with some of your issues. I will never know exactly what happened with my Dad. No autopsy was performed and the cause of death was just listed as cardiac arrest. He had been to the cardiologist two months before and was in perfect health according to the doctor. Many things can cause heart attacks, I'll never know what it was and it's devestating.

It's hard to stay positive. I am not going to lie and tell you everything will be okay. You're going to hurt. I'm hurting a lot. I find it hard to deal with. Every day it just seems like I am going through the motions. I sometimes expect him to be there when I get home even though I found his body and know he's gone.

The emotion you are feeling right now is very raw and painful. Perhaps you and your husband are just grieving in different ways. After my Dad's death I was very angry and then depressed. I didn't eat or talk for days. I've lost 35 lbs and am down to 138 which is the lightest I've weighed since high school. We all deal differently. My wife needs distraction, I need to wallow in sadness.

Over time those pictures in your head will become less frequent. I had nightmares for weeks and when I would close my eyes while awake I would see him as he lay there. It's hard, I see them less now but they are still hard to deal with and come at strange times.

It's okay to be gunshy about intimacy. It's a lot to process, but your Dad would want you to be happy. I said I wasn't religious but I believe if there is an afterlife your Dad would want you to have a succesful marriage and be intimate iwth your husband. I also believe he would give you a moment of privacy. There's got to be more to do in heaven than watch us go about our days; going to work, sleeping, etc. When you are ready, I would say go for it.

You are hurting, sometimes you don't cry because you are numb. Sometimes you can be so sad but tears won't flow. It's weird that we, the living, don't feel like we are doing enough to mourn the dead. WE have to remember they would want us to be happy. It's hard as hell! I barely get through a day without crying but sometimes I feel bad when I smile or laugh at something on TV because I feel like I should be depressed 24/7.

This is so hard, you have my utmost sympathy. From a fellow griever I wish you the best.

[Benlaura12]

Thank you so much for your feedback everyone. I will try to listen to what you guys said but like u all said it will be hard.

But thank you so much again

[baileymargiealice]

Hi,

I lost my dad earlier this month on Jan. 4th.

I wondered if I've cried enough so far, too. I adored my dad. I think grief will continue to hit us at different moments and it wasn't designed to be so overwhelming for so long or all at once that we couldn't eventually go on with our lives. It's ok to laugh, have sex, have fun, etc. Don't feel guilty about it.

It's also ok to be pissed, negative, whatever you need to be. We're all going through something pretty heavy and no one has a rule book for it. As far as your husband goes, I'm sure it will get better. You've been through hell. Give yourself some time.

I'm not married and I know I'm going to have a hard time with the whole "walking down the aisle" thing if I ever do get married. When people say stuff like, "Well, at least...." they don't realize they're saying something inappropriate. I'm sure they don't mean to and think they're helping. I think people in general have a hard time comforting people through all this. They think they need to talk and talk. Sometimes it's just nice to get a hug, or to have silence or to have someone just come out and say, "This sucks."

I wonder too about the memories of watching him die and if I'll ever get it out of my head. No answer for that. I'm not sure anyone can forget something like that unless they have memory loss. Maybe we're just supposed to figure out a way to cope with the memory.

It's interesting that we're two strangers, our fathers die in different ways, but yet we still wonder the exact same things.

I want my dad back, too.

This sucks, doesn't it.

[uwfan27]

I lost my dad just shy of a year ago and I am feeling it more now, than I did at the time. I was the only child, and he wasn't married so I was next of kin. We weren't close because he had a drug problem, but I loved him anyway, because he was my dad dammit! I am having flashbacks of the time he was in the hospital, and it's awful. I'm crying more now than I did at the time, possible because at the time I had to "be strong" to deal with it all at the time. If I didn't do it, no one was going to.

Will you ever find out what really happened? I'm not sure, I luckily didn't have that problem, it was very clear why he passed. But I still find myself asking "what if things had been different? Someone had gone over sooner, forced him to go to the hospital sooner etc.

How can you stay positive when this happened? I say you don't have to! I personally wish I had grieved more at the time of his death instead of trying to stay positive. Get it out! However you need to! Rely on others or not, whatever feels best to you.

Why are you and your husband fitting non stop now? I would echo karebare, but I am in my first year of marriage myself and we are fighting as well, so it could also be attributed to adjusting tot married life. Try not to beat yourself up about it.

How can you get the picture of my fathers body out of head? That is one of the hardest things for me, and I am not sure what to tell you. I suppose time will heal, and I find that if I think of my dad at his best when these thoughts enter my headit helps to distract me from the bad thought.

As for sex with your husband, go for it when you are ready, and only then. And I believe that your dad would want you to have a happy, healthy love life, and probably won't want to "watch" you anyway, you know? I'm not sure I believe in Heaven, but if it exists there are probably much more interesting things to be doing up there!

Your dad is not dissapointed you are crying enough. I almost get the sense that my dad can "feel" how I grieving, even if I am not crying. And one of the last things he said to me while he was still coherent was "I just want you to be happy" - so cry when you feel like you need to (don't hold back) but as long as you are processing your emotions to stay healthy, it's not important how you process them.

This time is incredibly hard. I don't even want to lie and sugarcoat it. It sucks. Hugs to you.