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Lost my father 28/12/12


Mark1066

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I'm really struggling with the loss of my dad, i am 23 and he was 51 and died of a heart attack. He was cremated yesterday an up until then i felt numb an confused now i feel lost and can't find a way to speak to anyone that is close to me. My sisters is a few years older than me and she seems to be going through the grieving process. Everyone keeps saying how strong i am being but i dont fully understand what is going on, i have been trying to tell jokes and keep everyone smiling but inside i dont know what is happening. I'm back at work and some people have been saying it is a bit soon but ever since i found out about it i haven't felt like i have stopped, i just wondered if anyone could give me some advice and try and help me understand what is going on with me.

Thank you for taking the time to read

Mark

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Mark, I am sorry to hear about your father. I can feel the pain in your post.

I lost my k

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Dang iPhone! Sorry....

I lost my mother on the 18th of September. She was only one month away from her 59th birthday.

I, like you, am the "strong" one, they think....please take my advice in saying this...

Allow yourself the time to grieve properly!! Don't try to stay brave, or strong for anyone. If you do, all of the grief will consume your soul, until you break. Most of the time, you have already went into a major depression by the time you break.

Spend as much time you need, as there is no time limit. Each has their own way of grieving.

Find strength in the people of this group. You will eventually feel "alone", surrounded by family and friends. You will be angry, annoyed, disbelief....and so sick of others telling you "it gets easier"....you will find great strength, and comfort in logging on here. It's as if you're No longer "alone". We are all in this same "group", one each and every one of us would have rather not been a member of.

I still struggle, and very hard. I am a professional, a mom, a friend, a sister...and none of them know. It's as if I hide behind the hazel eyes, and pretty smile...but deep behind them eyes; is a hurting soul. My mother passed away on me...the images I any rid of. Time? The longer it's passed, the harder it seems. Reality sets in, moms not on a vacation...

I'll keep you in my thoughts. Shall you need a friend, we're all here.

Ronda-

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I feel like i didnt know how to grieve i think that was my main problem bit reading your post and speaking to others in chat i feel so much better in myself i know i'm hurting i just didnt realise how much and you are exactly right! I have felt myself going down the anger route each day i feel it a little bit more, leading upto the cremation i just wanted to forget and carry on as i had been and i know what you mean about the vacation too! It feels like he has just gone away for a bit but it hasnt sank it that he isnt coming back yet. I think i have tried to rush through it and tried to get back to normal a bit soon i didnt give myself chance to really cry and really think about what is/has happened, thank you so much or your kind words i have only been on this site a few hours and already i have seen everything differently. I was trying to supress my feelings and it was eating away at me, thank you also for the quick reply it is really nice to know i'm not alone.

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ForeverRemembered

Mark, I lost my mom on September 11th 2012. I am really sorry for the loss of your dad. I think you are doing great. There is no right and wrong way to grieve. I think we all just do whatever we have to do, in order to get through these difficult days. When you say that "you don't know what is happening" (I believe) what you are saying is that you are walking around in a fog. We all walk through that fog. I don't know if this helps people when I talk about this or not, but I believe that this "fog" is actually your brain trying to process what has happened. I wonder if this fog could be a type of protection that our bodies do during grieving time? Just a thought.

Some people NEED to go back to work. They bury themselves in work because it feels better to them. Some people go on spending sprees, some people eat, some people hermit themselves...etc. I think we do what makes us feel even the slightest bit of comfort.

You said some people tell you it is too soon to go back to work. We all grieve differently and at different times. Don't worry about what they are saying. Just do what makes you feel comfortable.

You also said your sister seems to be going through the grieving process. Don't feel that there is something wrong with you because you aren't feeling the way your sister is feeling. I went through the grieving process very early. My dad and my sister seemed to not care at all. I was so angry with them because they weren't feeling the way I was feeling. Turned out....I started to feel a little better and then one day my dad just broke down to me. That is the day that I realized we all grieve at different times. My sister, she still has yet to show any emotions. I don't understand it, but I can understand that we are all just different.

Numb, confused, lost, are all normal emotions. There are many other emotions that you may or may not feel. "Anger" was a huge emotion that I felt for a long time. I am thankful that it only comes in spurts now.

Just remember TIME is what will heal all of your emotions. It is still early for you. You will get through this. You aren't alone. Come here anytime and just write out what you are feeling. It helps to know that you aren't alone. It will help to know that what you are feeling, is normal.

Stay strong and if cracking a joke is what you need to do....laughter is the best medicine! :D:lol::D There is nothing wrong with it.

Take Care and Big Hugs!

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I'm sorry to hear about your mother, i understand the 'fog' you are taking thats the best way of describing it! Thank you for taking the time to read what i put. It really does help speaking on here i was at work feeling down and i just came across this its the best thing i ever did. I feel a bit guilty for making jokes although i couldn't seem to decide if it helped or was i just suppressing my feelings.

Many thanks again :)

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Mark... I'm so sorry for your loss.... I lost my dad last month (December 14th).

He moved across the country to move in with me two years ago when he could no longer afford his home and he also needed to not live alone anymore.

It was a difficult time. But now I miss all of it and him so much.

It was 4 weeks ago and it's like everyone has forgotten already. As if I should be okay now. And while I do appear okay on the outside, I know I'm not on the inside.

I have made bizarre mistakes at work. I ran a solid red light with my 5 year old daughter in the car - thank God the guy with the green light was paying attention.

It's like my brain just isn't paying attention even when I think I am focused.

At times I really want to cry and it just won't come.

And then other times it happens when it's not remotely appropriate (like at work).

I have anger at my sister who lives 1500 miles away and doesn't appreciate all that I did to take care of him.

I miss him. I miss my mom.

It blows.

I had to come find a support place to be able to talk to someone who understands. I think it's good you did too.

Friends and coworkers just don't get it.

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I'm so sorry to hear that, i moved out a couple of years ago and i would only see my dad every week or so. I could not imagine how awful it must be being in the place you used to see him in all the time. I have been experiencing not being able to cry then as soon as i went into work my emotions went all over the place. Have you tried any counciling to help? Or anything like that. A few people have a suggested that to me and i am going to look into it.

And my friends dont seem to understand either they think having drinks and forgetting will help but i just need time to try and work it out in my own head but i cannot figure out how to explain that to them without them feeling like i am pushing them away. This forum has already helped me so much and thank you for replying to my post.

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Yeah, I am in counseling but it's so minimal - as in every other week - and right now I feel like I need it at least weekly.

Sometimes (like right now) daily. haha.

Having a really bad day.

Already tried to work, went to the gym and worked out for two hours, came home, cleaned for 1. 5 hours, walked the dog, then the grief came over me. Ugh. I try to get tired enough to not feel it but it's not working.

Plus having relationship problems make it significantly worse.

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That is really keeping busy, do you not feel worn out? It feels like the last few days i've sat down and really thought about what has happened, and now i feel like something in my brain is stopping me really understand what is going on. And i had a bit of a panic attack at his funeral it was really strange. Do you ever hear off your sister?

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Yeah, I do feel worn out but I go to sleep with my 5 year old every night around 9pm and sleep quickly (just wish I could stay asleep).

It's so weird how this grieving is so compounding every other stressor in my life right now.

I feel like it's much harder to respond to other stress normally.

Yes, my sister and I talk at least once a week if not more. But I don't always feel tremendously close to her.

She doesn't know all the details of my private life that my best friends know about me.

I am able to talk to her about grieving but it's really hard to know what to say. Even here.

I don't know what to really say or how to make it better for myself.

Do you?

I so badly just want to stop the pain inside of me. And no matter how tired I make myself, it's still there...

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Just wondering if anyone has experienced any anger problems, i have had 3 very violent dreams in the last two days and i can feel myself bubbling up all the time. I feel like i'm pushing my partner away and its hurting me even more, i feel like a crazy person and i'm a bit worried i've normally been such a relaxed person but i cannot seem to pinpoint what it is that is making me this way. My grandad passed away a couple of weeks back now i dont know where my head is atm and i'm afraid i'll snap. Any advice would be greatly appreciated many thanks for reading.

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All, I'm so sorry for all of your losses. Mark, anger and I think pretty much most if not all of what you're talking about are fairly common. The anger, anxiety, pushing people away even. You're going through one of the hardest things someone can go through. Allow for that, and for the time it takes to deal with it.

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Mark I have been doing the same thing since I lost my parents I lost my mom and then 7 months later lost my dad.

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Wraines, i am deeply sorry to hear that. When did it happen and how old was you? And thank you widower i really appreciate it. How are you desling with it?

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Just wondering if anyone has experienced any anger problems, i have had 3 very violent dreams in the last two days and i can feel myself bubbling up all the time. I feel like i'm pushing my partner away and its hurting me even more, i feel like a crazy person and i'm a bit worried i've normally been such a relaxed person but i cannot seem to pinpoint what it is that is making me this way. My grandad passed away a couple of weeks back now i dont know where my head is atm and i'm afraid i'll snap. Any advice would be greatly appreciated many thanks for reading.

Hi Mark,

It's me again! I hoped all was getting well with both of us, but as I can see, and feel, it's not. That's a really unfortunate thing.

I can definetely tell you, I am dealing with the anger that you are describing now. I have dealt with it for at least 4 months now. The first two months were that "fog", disbelief, then it was complete ANGER. I have completely stopped my upcomming wedding in August, as my partner, and bestfriend can no longer relate. It's as if he was very insensitive to my feelings, or the whole process. While on one hand I hate him for that, the other, I tell myself he doesn't know how to deal either. We don't understand grief, until we've been there, and he has not.

Tuesday was a very rough day for me. It marked the 6 months, that mom passed away on my chest. As funny as it may seem, this was the HARDEST for me. Even harder than her birthday (a month after she passed), Thanksgiving 2 months later, and Christmas 3 months later....the only way I could describe it to any one, was that it was A HALF A YEAR...it was SOO hard! I ended up tearing up at my desk at work (I am in Media) and a co-worker asked me "what's wrong" I explain "I am just a little sad, it's been 6 months today"...she laughs, and responds "you're a big'ole' crybaby".. I could NOT believe this response! Every one here at work are wonderful people. They are family, my family away from family...so I could only assume she didn't realize the hurtful thing she said to me....

So yesterday, complete breaking point!!!! I had a crisis over a television commercial that is suppose to air on March Madness NCAA tournaments... I get an email saying the lines will be suspended, because they can't find the commercials in our system...even though I have given them to our encoder, and he said he put them in our system........ make the story short, I went OFF on EVERY ONE involved! I told them to get their heads out of their A$$, WTF were they thinking, this is a 200k account they are screwing..blah blah............. Even though I was completely right, this was their mistake, this was not my characater to act this way... It didn't help that the people I went off on were EXTREMELY HIGH POWERED... even above my boss... So my boss tells me "I know you're right, but wow, what a ballsy move...to speak to such higher power in this manner".... If they had been there, I could have punched them in their faces. I am a complete morbid shell............

I have even thrown my diamond ring my fiance' got me, at him........ I hope we can learn to get apassed this, as I don't want my Mothers death to become who I am.... as this new me, is a "negative" "horrible" person, my Mother wouldn't have liked..

Stay Strong,

Hugs-

Ronda

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Hi,

I'm new on here (as of yesterday) and a few friends suggested i find a support group for the loss of my father. I lost him Dec 2,2010 and it still feel like it just happened. Mark i can totally understand what you are going thru. When it happened i was the "strong one" it felt like i was dealing with so much and trying to keep my emotions under control and continue on with life and kids, I am still having a horrible time with dealing with it all. To a stranger it wouldn't seem like it because i keep a smile on my face and i continue to "float" thru life. But in the inside it's this horrible pain in my heart that doesn't go away. My dad was my world. I wished it got easier with time but it really doesn't. :/

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