alone

[dsmurph]

I am tired of saying that it is ok that people do not reach out. I am tired of saying, "I understand." Today I am feeling so sad and so alone. Today I realize the true lack of love that we all have for each other in this world. We are all too self centered and cannot look outside ourselves to reach out to others that we know have lost spmeone, especially a child. Can people not forget themselves and the feeling of being uncomfortable for 5 minutes just to call and say," I just want you to know I'm thinking of you?" I'm tired of excusing this. I'm the one in pain!!!! I'm the one who lost my child. I should be allowed to be the selfish one right now!! But I can't because I have to say that it is ok that they don't call even though they said they would. But I am through with that mind set! That is not love!!! Love would be no matter what you felt, you would reach out in this time of need!! I refuse to try to understand their side anymore. I do understand that this is a lack of love for each other. This is our world!!! I wish I could be with my daughter, Emily. But I have to stay and teach my 6 year old daughter the true meaning of love because Lord knows she will not get it from anyone else. What a sad world we live in. I will not allow these selfish people to make me bitter. Instead I will never deny someone a shoulder to lean on or a kind word. Life is too short and our purpose here on Earth is to show love and kindness to each other, not turn away.

[TerryLip]

I want to say I understand, but we can never really be in another person's shoes. But I think all of us who have lost a child have been in your shoes. Friends we have known for all our lives drop out of our lives. Even other family members cannot understand. We are changed. They cannot understand. I try to think back before this happened - how I reacted when I heard of someone's child dying. I know I didn't really understand - and I didn't really want to talk to them about it. It's as if we think that pain might "visit" us if we get too close.

But you will meet new people on this journey, people who understand and will always be there.

Most of the people you know just have no way of really 'knowing' what you are going through. I know you wouldn't want them to really understand - they would have to experience the same thing and I know we don't wish that on anyone!

I wish I could give you a hug. I lost my son very suddenly. The pain is unrelenting. I pretty much don't talk to anyone I used to know. But I drop in on a support group now and then and it is a good thing because you can pour your heart out there and everyone understands.

I hope you find the support you need. Just look after yourself and your daughter. It is more than ok to be selfish right now.

[dsmurph]

Thank you for your supportive words. I do know of a support group here. This is all so fresh, I don't know if I'm ready.

[hotrod]

Dear DSMurp

I hear you and so understand. I lost my only child Stephen 5 years ago and have expeienced the same lack of understanding and support. This message Board saved my sanity and life.

The lessons that you have learned, as the result of living with this pain and lack of support is certainly powerful. Your daughter, Emily is so very proud of you. To not become angry and embittered by this world is a true testament to your Faith and your ability to Love.

Thank you for being here.

[Dru]

dsmurph, I do so understand your words and your feeling of being sad and alone. I dont go out anymore than I have to since my daughter Broni passed on because when amongst other people out there I feel the loneliness even more as they are all so busy going about their lives and laughing and enjoying life, while my life has gone down into a dark deep black cavern where I can see no way out, no light, no want for life even, as I miss my daughter so much, I just want to hold her and be with her. Others dont understand our need to want to talk about our child, they just dont know how to handle us and I do understand this but by hell it hurts, it makes it even harder to make it thru the day. We just want others to acknowlege our inner pain, be open to letting us talk about our child and how we miss them so much. Even my own sister will not talk with me about my Broni and on the rare occassion she has she is so "matter of fact" and says I need to move on in life. !!! Can you believe that. She is a darling sister but she has no idea and it hurts me more because of her way of handling it, so I dont go there with her, making it sadder that my own kith and kin is not there for me. Even if others dont understand, have not lost a child, (and we can understand that part), cant they just "be there" for us ?

When in a crowed place I often find myself wanting to shout out "cant you see my pain, cant you stop to listen to me so I can tell you about it" and I know that this sounds stupid but that feeling of being so alone in a crowd makes me feel that way, so have found it best to stay away as much as I can.

I walk and swim on my local beach just down from my house every day, and the amazing thing is that I have gotten to know a few older blokes who do the same and have found that by talking to them and telling them about my Broni, I have found that one of them has lost a son 9 months ago and 4 have recently lost their life long partners. I only found out these things because I talked about Broni to them (individually) It does not take away the pain of loss but for a few moments there is the knowlege that I am not alone.

18 months before my daughter died, a good friends' son died and I thought I was there for her, supporting her, comforting her by listening, but after my Broni died I felt guilty towards my friend, I felt that I had not been there for her in the full extent at all because it was not till my own daughter died that I truly understood what my friend was experiencing. She understood though and thanked me for being there for her in the only way I could be at the time. When we imagine what it would be like to lose a child, we dont even get to the bottom level of understanding.

We need others to be there for us, to listen to us, to reach out to us. At least we can come here where everyone understands which is a help for a small space of time.

Where I live there is a grieving group but it is huge and I feel so lost in it, also everyone there lost their child 15 to 20 years ago and while I know that their pain will be just as strong and deep, I feel a need to be with people who lost their child closer to my daughters recent time. I hope you understand what I mean.

dsmurph, I am thinking of you and want you to know I understand your pain, that never ending deep pain that holds us in such a deep place, locked away where others cant even imagine it. Take care,

dru

[dsmurph]

Thank You all so much for your kind words and understanding. Although I don't wish this pain on anyone, it is comforting to know that there are other people out there who know what I am going through. Today is Emily's birthday. She would have been 15. She has only been gone 2 months and 2 weeks. She was really looking forward to 15, getting her driver's permit. being more independent. I finally slept more than 4 hours lastnight so, I feel I can do a little better than yesterday. We'll see, I'm already crying first thing this morning.

[DeanG001]

May God Bless you dear. I had the opportunity to read your posts. I'm so humbled to be allowed to interact with people like yourself.

Your tragedy touched me so. Judging from how you've handled this unimaginable heartbreak I'm inspired by your strength and grace.

I cant believe how many amazing people I've been privileged to have met In here. Your one of them. You take care of yourself dear.

[dsmurph]

DeanG001,

Your words are so uplifting to me. Thank you. Wednesday night I was invited to a friends house to have dinner with her and her family. I love them and appreciate them but, just couldn't go. I was not feeling up to it. She called again Thursday and invited me tonight. So my daughter and I went. I felt so much better after going. Their family is such an example of how we should love and reach out ot others who are hurting. They don't ask for anything in return. Their kids have taken my little one under their wings and shower her with love. Afterwards I stood out by my car and just cried on their daughter's shoulder. I am so thankful to Our Father for the small handful of people he strategically places in my life just as they are supposed to be. Lean on the ones who are there with no expectations. those are the ones who you know will be there. I would like to be uplifting to you as others are to me. I understand how lonely it is. I grieve for Emily every day. But she was love, her heart was true. I cannot grow bitter. I have got to love like her. Blessings

[dsmurph]

DeanG001,

Your words are so uplifting to me. Thank you. Wednesday night I was invited to a friends house to have dinner with her and her family. I love them and appreciate them but, just couldn't go. I was not feeling up to it. She called again Thursday and invited me tonight. So my daughter and I went. I felt so much better after going. Their family is such an example of how we should love and reach out ot others who are hurting. They don't ask for anything in return. Their kids have taken my little one under their wings and shower her with love. Afterwards I stood out by my car and just cried on their daughter's shoulder. I am so thankful to Our Father for the small handful of people he strategically places in my life just as they are supposed to be. Lean on the ones who are there with no expectations. those are the ones who you know will be there. I would like to be uplifting to you as others are to me. I understand how lonely it is. I grieve for Emily every day. But she was love, her heart was true. I cannot grow bitter. I have got to love like her. Blessings

[JD99501]

I came to this site due to lonelyness. Not being able to talk to anyone that really knew what it was like. I mean good people around me TRY to get it. but they can't. Not thier fault how would they understand? I certainl didn't want to wish such a fate on them. I have recieved all kinds of karama for my outreach and understanding. Allowing your pain to feed your understanding so you can be a better person. Everyone that I knew that was nasty and uncaring are all suffering for being such hallow people. ALL of them. Letting go of those people is what I had to do. And sad as it is that inclluded my Dad for many years I only started talking to him again a few months ago.

You will always have us and this site to turn to.

[dsmurph]

There are some people who I let go of a long time ago because they always brought pain into my life. I allowed them back in after loosing Emily only to be cut by the same inconsiderate self serving words that always was there from one of them, He never changed, even after all these years. I have total distaste for him. I want to love him because I'm supposed to. but, I just can not do it right now.So, after another hateful smack in the face(words) I realise nothing has changed. I do not have time or room right now. I need to get through this everyday with love and healing, not judgement from others, and if they only shoot off at their mouths with judgement and self rightous words towards themselves, I wish they would not even bother contacting me.

[JD99501]

So how much suffering do you think you have to endure for someone elses comfort? Do you believe you havn't suffered enough?

To me.....Noone is above being kicked to curb.........

[dsmurph]

Exactly!!!!