Lost without my Mother

[smac]

I've spent a lot of time reading everyone's stories on this forum during the week that I was losing my grandmother. I'm 23 years old and my grandmother raised me from infancy. She truly was my mother. She was the constant in my life that I shared everything with. She taught me patience, loyalty, and how to love. I don't know how to live without her. She had a midbrain stroke while I was taking my last finals of vet school and my grandfather, dad, and uncle waited to tell me until I came home from winter break. The stroke affected her sleep/wake cycle which prevented her from regaining consciousness. I spent the last week visiting her in ICU, then hospice, and finally last night witnessing her death.

I feel like I'm going through waves of complete disbelief that this is happening, a feeling of complete lack of emotion--like a out of body experience, brief acceptance, and back to uncontrollable hysteria. It feels like I'm still in a dream state and that I am just an observer of my own private hell. It is hard for me to grasp the overwhelming sense of loss that I feel. I know that millions upon millions of people have gone through this. I know that people are taken far too early and people deal with tragedy daily. It is hard for me to be in a public place where life seems to go on without any hint of despair--even though we are all surrounded by people who carry the weight of lost loved ones every day. It's hard for me to picture myself being one of those people--who press on in the face of loss. How naive I was before this. I had never faced loss like this. I thought my life was capsulated, protected from time. That it would "always" be like this. How do you live life without the one person who was your all?

[RobbG]

I know how you feel. That rapid cycling between the stages of grief. It's hard to predict what you are going to be feeling from one minute to the next. Going on with your life is difficult, being around people who aren't feeling what you are is painful. It doesn't matter that millions of people have gone through this, your grief is special because it is your own. You are the most important person to yourself, you have to remember that no one should expect you to pull yourself together. You go through this on your own timetable.

I can't say life will go on and get easier, I am in the early stages of this too, having lost my Dad in November. It's been tough, the holidays especially. Everyone says time heals all but I won't lie every day is hard. I've carried on with my responsibilities but my life feels like it's on pause. I find it hard to eat, sleep, have a conversation. It's miserable but I am encouraged by others on this forum who have lost fathers, mothers, grandparents, sons and daughters who say that eventually you will learn to live with it and enjoy life again. I have to believe that, I am way too young to give up on life and that would be the ultimate disrespect to a man who would have done anything to put a smile on my face.

That saying "one day at a time". For now, it's the best we can hope for. You'll be better with time, believe it. You aren't alone in this.

I hope you passed your finals and are on your way to a rewarding career, you will honor your grandmother's memory by achieving your goals and living a productive life. She would want that for you.

[CF918]

I'm so sorry for your pain. I lost my mother just before Labor Day and have felt many of the same things that you describe. The constant cycling from one emotion to the other is exhausting! It's like a grab bag of grief. I never know what I will get next or when it will rear it's head. For me, the "out of body" and "dreamlike" feelings were the hardest to take. They did subside before any of the other aspects of grief. But they were replaced with anxiety I didn't have before, an unwillingness to go into crowded places. I feel like everyone is normal, except me. It's not as easy to pretend like everything is ok, and that seems to be what most people would prefer we do, pretend we are ok. It's uncomfortable for them, or else it reminds them of a deep loss they themselves have experienced and it's too much. I understand. If I had a choice, I wouldn't feel this way........but it doesn't always feel like a choice. It feels like a script that has already been written, except I don't get to read it ahead of time. Frustrating. Having lost 2 grandparents that were dearly beloved, I can say that you do find a way to go forward and remember them, without it hurting every single moment, but that time table is different for everyone.

Be kind to yourselves and let yourselves off the hook as much as possible. While others who haven't lost someone will not always understand, there are those who do. Allow yourselves as much rest as possible and think about what you can do with your life that would honor the one you love. I've often thought that the best legacy I could leave to honor my grandparents and my mom would be to live my life with as much grace as I can, to show others support and understanding when I didn't get any. It's truly the only way to break the cycle of despair. Prayers to you for healing hearts

[smac]

Thanks everyone who read or replied. I read and re-read your posts and they bring me comfort especially when I can't sleep.

RobbG - This is all so raw and new to me. Grieving her, and for you, your dad, is such a visceral pain I can't even begin to put into words. It's almost like I don't know how to act or what to say to fill the 24 hours we are given each day. It's a sense of loss that is endless. I hope all those who say that it gets easier over time are right. Basic responsibilities for me are extremely tiring--my whole world is muted. I had a friend who lost her mom tell me that short of leaving this world yourself the only thing you can do is take it one day at a time, you physically have to keep putting one foot in front of the other even if that is all you can do at the moment. I think I can be somewhat grateful of the simplicity of that task, although, I find it nearly impossible to inject any type of humanness back into the weak crumbling exterior that houses my grieving soul.

CF918 - Dreamlike existence to anxiety states have been the worst transition for me. They usually occur periodically throughout the day and catch me off guard almost always. It usually happens when my attention is diverted momentarily such as if I'm trying to answer a question or I catch something on the tv, then I "remember" that she is gone and my heart almost beats out of my chest. I have to concentrate on breathing at this point and nothing else. It is the strangest of all the feelings I've had where my skin gets cold--it's like you can literally feel sweat evaporate off your skin. I don't know how or when my new reality will develop when I don't expect my grandmother to be alive (and consequently shocked when I am tortuously reminded of her absence.) I know that those who are gone are not truly gone in the figurative sense--I would carry out the dreams she had for me; to finish vet school, to raise a family, to take care of my dad, and to cherish and adore my grandfather--but it's nearly impossible to look forward when all I do is want to go back in the past.

[Brokenheart22]

I feel your pain as well and hope that we all can find normalcy again. I was raised with both my mother(single) and the help of my grandmother. My gma passed when I was 13 and to this day I miss her. The pain isn't as deep when I think about her because now I can think of all the good memories and smile. I hope sometime soon I can get to that point with my mom's passing. I am now 43 and my mom passed away Oct. 12' (2 days after my bday). I have never been one for a loss of words but that pretty much sums me up now. I have no interest in making conversation with others and feel it really difficult to watch others carry on with their normal every day lives as if nothing has been lost. I don't know about you but I know my life will never be the same. The holidays were extremely difficult! This was the 1st Christmas in 43 years that I haven't spent it with my mom and no one can understand what the lonliness feels like unless they have been through it. I have been nauseous every day since her passing with vomiting, anxiety attacks, and on top of that chronic sinusitus with pneumonia for the past 6 weeks. The physicians that I work with as well as the manager just don't seem to get it and act like I should be over it by now. (Neither of the 2 have a relationship with their mothers). I do have 4 other co-workers that have lost their mothers and understand whole heartedly. To this day these ladies still cry when they talk about their mothers passing anywhere from 30 yrs ago to present; so knowing that life will get to normal even though I can't see that far ahead yet is comforting and knowing it's okay to cry 30, 40, 50 years down the road for our mothers is comforting as well. Maybe we need a "national angel day" so we may all grieve our loved ones and not be made to feel like outcasts! I have found help through meditation (which I have never attempted before now) by listening to the Mind Body Meditation cd's. They are very relaxing and have helped immensly with the anxiety part. I tried this after having horrible side effects to meds that everyone else thought I needed. No one understands that grief is something you have to go through and not around. It's hard but why numb it with meds when you are going to experience the grief when you stop them anyway. I agree with RobbG.....one day at a time! Thanks for listening to me ramble and I take comfort knowing I'm not going crazy!