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Recent loss of my Dad


daughterofAL

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daughterofAL

Where to start? Dad was in a nursing home because he needed more care than I could provide at this time. I live out of state but the last time I visited him about a month ago he was doing really well. But soon after he began to get UTIs and also got C Diff. The urologist said to put a cath in. At times he would be in a lot of pain and other times not. Sometimes he would be confused or mentally altered and other times not. They sent im out to a hospital three times and no one could find anything tat was causing this besides UTI. Then one morning he began running a fever and I had him sent to a well known really good hospital. The immediately found endocarditis and sepsis. Friday night I was told 6 weeks of antibiotics would cure it and that they would start working on a discharge plan on Monday. The doctor said I should research other nursing homes because she did not feel like he was getting good care. He had two bed sores apparently that I was never informed of by the nursing home and also the skin around his cath had died...both of which are known causes of infection that can lead to sepsis and endocarditis. But the very next morning I got a call that the antibiotics did not seem to be working and they had talked with him and he wanted to be moved to pallative care for the dying patient. So I got in my car and drove 9 hours to try to get to him before he died. I did get there but he was not responsive anymore by then. I told him things I wanted him to know but I can only guess as to whether he was able to hear me or not. A few hours later he died. I am having such a hard time with the guilt for him being in a place that was not taking good care of him, sadness that I wasn't able to get a response to my goodbye so that I knew he knew I was there and just plain old missing him. I am only 40...mom died when I was 20 and I have no grandparents left. I was my dad's only child and we had a special bond. I just wish they could have caught this in time to have saved him. I feel like I should have known...should have had him sent to this hospital sooner...something.

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It's not your fault. That's the first thing you have to realize. The guilt will eat you alive if you let it. Life is messy and difficult, sometimes we make decisions that have negative consequences. There was no way you could have foreseen the way things turned out for your father and you. Stay strong and let yourself grieve. It sucks but it's the best you can do. You aren't alone in your feelings.

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daughterofAL

Thanks. I have been dealing with this guilt since he passed. I am trying not to let it consume me but it is a battle I fight daily.

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I wish I could say it will end soon but it's going to be this way for awhile. It's been nearly two months for me and I'm still cycling through the stages of grief like a madman. Hopefully all of us on this forum will get to a place where this is a traumatic event that we can live peacefully with. It's going to be long and arduous but we can do it. Every time you feel yourself consumed by it take a few deep breaths and try to remember it wasn't your fault!

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