Looking for support

[justbelieve]

Hello everyone,

I've been reading this board for several months, but just tonight decided to join and write about my story. The holidays have me on edge so I'm just looking for a little support.

The last year has been incredibly rough for my husband and me. We're still young - in our early 30s - and we have 3 young daughters aged 4, 2, and 8 months. We've been together since we were 15 years old so we've built a strong love and bond with our in-laws. My husbands mother passed away in March 2012 after an 18 month battle with brain cancer; she was 51. My mother passed away in July after a 6 year battle with breast cancer; she was 64. Our families were both very close and we have 5 siblings between the two of us...we're all extremely close.

We watched the two most important women in our lives die horrible,long, painful deaths around the same time and I'm having trouble getting over the anger. Both our mothers doted on their grandchildren nonstop and I can't get over the fact that my girls won't get to know how wonderful these two women were. Sometimes it feels like I can't breath because I miss my mom so much. They were both the rocks of our families and we've lost that.

It's been so hard watching my dad suffer without her. They were married for 43 years - together for 48. He was by her side throughout her entire illness and took such good care of her. Now he is lost and really very unintersted in everything. My husband's parents were married for 33 years and he also took such good care of my mother in law.

My father rarely leaves the house and my husband and I will be moving our family in with him in a few months. But my father in law started seeing a woman 5 weeks after my mother in law died, and started living at her house just 6 weeks after. 9 months later my father in law and his girlfriend have now moved into the house that my mother in law died in and that they raised their family in. My husband and his siblings, and quite honestly me too, are having a really tough time with this. They are not speaking with their father because he says the kids will just have to adjust. He sees nothing wrong with any of this. He missed many of the "firsts" with his kids because he couldn't bring her along and wasn't willing to leave her out.

My husband is a calm man but this situation has him enraged. I'm afraid of what he might do. I'm angry and grieving too, but my situation has not been compounded by a girlfriend. Do you have any suggestions for how I can help him get through this? It's filling him with anger.

[ForeverRemembered]

My father was married to my mom for years. My mom past away on September 11, 2012 after years of being sick. Two weeks after her death my dad told me about a lunch date that he went on with an old friend. (He was seeking my approval). I was shocked and angry. I didn't tell him that I was upset. He WAS calling me everyday just to say hello, but now the phone calls stopped and I never hear from him unless I call him. I confided in a family friend who told me that often times men will quickly seek out another lady after the death of their wives. It may be that empty void that they need to fill? Maybe they feel as if they need someone to take care of them and/or they NEED to feel needed. Ever hear of the "powdered butt syndrome"? Seriously. His dad may not be capable of turning to his son to fill this void. In his eyes, his son is still that little boy. We are older now. We are wise now. We are parents of our own now. But....in the eyes of our parents, we are still these little children who are not as wise and we are not capable of adult issues.

If your husband is really seeking some answers from his dad then he should go to his dad, and while wearing his heart on his sleeve, he should tell his dad how much this is all hurting him. However, make sure he wants to hear the answers that his dad may give him. Hopefully, his dad can tell him how much he is really hurting. Again, that is what he "should do". Again, I never told my dad how much he was hurting me. It is because I know that my father is 75 years old. If it makes him happy to go out on lunch dates with his lady friend, then who am I to tell him he can't go? (I understand a lunch date isn't exactly the same as moving her in.) My mother had been sick for years and my dad stayed by her side throughout it all. I know he loved my mom. My dad had to be very lonely for the past 3-5 years. He deserves to be happy in the last few years of his life.

I am about to say something that may or may not pertain to your husband. I only say this because it was an issue with me. The other woman was not an issue for me, but it was with my sister. I paid for my mothers funeral. I paid for EVERYTHING! While I was meeting with the Priest to plan my moms funeral, my sister had my dad at the bank and she was trying to buy my parents house! My sister changed my dads life insurance policy from my mom's name to only her name. (There are 3 of us kids in the family) What I am trying to say here is...make sure your husband isn't angry because he fears that he will lose everything when his dad dies due to this lady friend. If that is the case then he must go to his dad and tell him his fears. His dad can ensure that your husband is still the sole beneficiary to everything. Maybe if this is done, then your husband will be more at peace with the new lady friend. (Maybe not accept her as family) but he may find peace that his dad is happy. Please disregard that part above if you don't feel that pertained to you.

I hope that helped, even if it was a tiny bit. Take care and HUGS to you. I am so sorry for your loss of your mom and your mother in law.