New member Lost my mother 10 years ago

[Rebelrebel]

Hello,

I came across this forum during my search for bereavement groups and figured I would give it a shot. Nov 5th of this year marked the ten year anniversary of my moms death. It was very sudden and unfortunately I basically saw her die right in front of me. I was 22 at the time and while I thought I was grieving I was basically just shutting down and pushing it away. I never reached out for help and after the anniversary of her death I began to deteriorate and slowly got worse. I had other factors of stress and sadness going on in my life and didn't really put two and two together. I am only now realizing (after other events arised and voluntarily admitting myself to an inpatient program after hurting myself) how much I was still grieving and holding on to the pain, anger, depression and guilt. After she died I found myself becoming very emotional over things I would never have been before like tv shows or commercials but at the same time found myself almost emotionally numb to other things like my relationships. I used to never be able to sleep with lights or tvs on and now I have to have some sort of light on and I constantly have conversations with her in my head even though I'm finding it harder and harder to remember what her voice sounds like. I have looked into going to local support groups but most of them don't meet for weeks or they actually charge you, which I am not in a position to do right now. I have started a new antidepressant and anti anxiety medication while hospitalized ( which i am having high hopes for) and am currently involved in a day treatment program but will apparently only be involved in that for the next two weeks. My depression has seriously affected my life and relationships to the point where my husband doesn't even know if he wants to be with me anymore. I Guess I don't really have any questions just more of a need to let things out in a group where others may understand a bit more. Thank you to those who read this and I'm hoping to be able to move past the depression phase into more of an acceptance.

[sum719]

Hi Newbie,

I relate to your loss. January 7, 2013 marks the 11th year anniversary of my father's death. I was 8 at the time and suffered from severe emotional numbness all of my high school career. I emotionally isolated--and continue to do so--myself from friends, my boyfriend, and my family. I didn't realize how much I had buried until this time last year and began therapy. Sometimes, I become so depressed I struggle to believe I have a future and like I will ever be happy without this parental figure in my life. I suppose what I have learned is to be patient with myself, and accept that feeling sad is better than feeling nothing at all. Good luck in your movement towards acceptance.