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holiday hell


ashleyg5983

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I've always hated the holidays but this one is the first without my mom and it is the worst one yet. Last year we couldn't see my mother on Christmas because my MIL and FIL were in a fight on the verge of a divorce. I don't like hanging out with my inlaws (not bc of that. I'm not holding a grudge) and they are here until Sunday. Its so awkward when they are here, usually they just ignore me. They probably think I am stuck up but I am hurting so bad on the inside that I just don't want to make small talk. I just want to go home and spend time with MY family and feel comfortable and say what I want without worrying what someone will think of me. I feel like no one close to me knows what I am going through partly bc I don't tell them how I feel. I don't want their pity so I keep it inside and now I feel like I am going to burst. I've been crying for most of the day. Wish I had someone to talk to. I've lost all my friends when we moved out of state.

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I am sorry about your loss and everything that you are going through. This year has been a rough year for me. I lost my mother in October and I lost my job this week. Yay. I have so much going on this week and like you I would rather just be home with my family. Tomorrow we are going to my Mother-in-law and her husbands house to celebrate Christmas with them. Sunday I get to see my best friend that I grew up with. Sadly we didnt get back in touch until after my mother passed away because her dad was at my mother's viewing and gave me her number. Monday I am having my dad and 2 brothers here to Celebrate Christmas with them, and then on Tuesday we are going to my Father-in-law and his wives house. There is so much going on that I dont feel like I have a chance to really breath. Last Christmas I didnt really spend Christmas with my Parents, We stopped by their house and gave them their gifts. I finally bought my mother the one thing that she has always wanted because my dad would never buy it for her. I got her a ring with her birthstone on it. I never knew it would be the last gift I would get her for Christmas. I am trying to hold it together because the fact that I know I still need to celebrate for my 2 boys who are very young. I dont know when or if the Holidays will ever get easier or better. I am sorry that you dont really have anyone to talk to. It sucks trying to deal with all of this. I have my moments that I still cry but I try not to around others because I truly feel like everyone thinks that I should be ok since it has been 2 months. I dont think I will ever be ok 100%. I always went to my mother for Advice on everything. My youngest son Got sick this week and I took him to the Dr on Thursday and she said that what I had been doing for him is exactly what she would recommend. I figure the only way I knew is that my mom had to tell me at one time or another how to deal with it. My heart still aches for her and I guess always will. I am here for you if you ever want to talk.

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