My mom died and I don't know how to help my brother

[erobinson12]

6 weeks ago today my parents were in a car accident that resulted in the death of my mother. She was only 55 years old. They were driving on the highway and stopped for an accident further ahead, the guy driving 120km/h behind them did not stop and rear-ended my parents car. My mom was absolutely my best friend, she was that mom that everyone else wanted as their own, and I was lucky enough to have her.

Honestly, I've been doing better than I would have expected in this situation, but I'm really worried about my brother. I am 20, and my brother is 18. People forget how young he is most of the time, and it's becoming more apparent in the last few weeks. In the last month and a half, my dad and I have been letting him make a lot of his own decisions - he's deferred next semester of university, and right now he's living at our home by himself working full time, while I'm away at school and my dad lives in a condo closer to work. But he is refusing to try any kind of counselling and when he's feeling especially sad he gets mean and snaps at my dad and I, if he talks to us at all. He smoked marijuana before, but now he does it all the time because he says it makes him feel a bit happier. My dad and I just don't know how to help him.

Any suggestions?

[BreathofAngel]

6 weeks ago today my parents were in a car accident that resulted in the death of my mother. She was only 55 years old. They were driving on the highway and stopped for an accident further ahead, the guy driving 120km/h behind them did not stop and rear-ended my parents car. My mom was absolutely my best friend, she was that mom that everyone else wanted as their own, and I was lucky enough to have her.

Honestly, I've been doing better than I would have expected in this situation, but I'm really worried about my brother. I am 20, and my brother is 18. People forget how young he is most of the time, and it's becoming more apparent in the last few weeks. In the last month and a half, my dad and I have been letting him make a lot of his own decisions - he's deferred next semester of university, and right now he's living at our home by himself working full time, while I'm away at school and my dad lives in a condo closer to work. But he is refusing to try any kind of counselling and when he's feeling especially sad he gets mean and snaps at my dad and I, if he talks to us at all. He smoked marijuana before, but now he does it all the time because he says it makes him feel a bit happier. My dad and I just don't know how to help him.

Any suggestions?

Dear ERobinson, I am very sorry for the physical loss of your dear Mother. I know it is oftimes difficult to get past something like this without the thoughts and remembrances of what was before. But it appears that you may be handling things better than your brother. That might be because males are said to be closer to their Mothers than females in general. That may not always be the case but one can stop to think when a family has a boy and a girl, the Mother seems to always carry the boy more often than the father while the father carries and supports the daughter more often. I have never quite understood why that is but I have seen it happen time and time again and that coupled by what many others also say about the closeness of the male to his Mother is why I feel he might be having a more difficult time with this now that his Mom is gone. He has every right to feel close to her afterall, she was and will always be his Mother.

What is of concern is what you say about his behavior. I will not however, stand and criticize him or judge him as I do not know him and it would not be my place to do even if I did. But if he appears to be going in a direction that could be harmful to himself or others then perhaps it may be the time for you and your dad to sit down and try to have a good, friendly talk with him. If he won't listen then perhaps a local clergyman could speak with him about how it is of concern to the rest of the family. I know he must surely need a lot of support at this time. And you and your dad I'm sure are giving it to him. But aside from that, he needs time to grieve as that is different for everyone and each person who grieves has their own time for it. Therefore, he may need his 'space' for that. Another thing that should be done, imho, is to tell him that you and your dad will simply 'just be there' for him should he run into any problems or things that he may need help with. However, since he is 18 he is considered an adult in most places and therefore, can make his own decisions.

The main thing to remember is to show your brother that both you and your dad Love him and support him with what he is going through. Do that with kindness and sensitivity so that he will feel wanted, needed, and loved by his family. He needs that right now more than he may realize and both of you can provide him with that degree of comfort so that he will hopefully not need to resort to any other "crutch" which could be harmful to him as well as to others in order for him to feel 'happy'. Happiness comes from the heart and truly comes from having a family who Loves them!

May God bless you and your family and bring all of you peace, tranquility, and cohesiveness.

• 
  

[ForeverRemembered]

I agree with everything that BreathofAngel wrote. There are many stages of grieving and people react to it in so many different ways. There is an anger stage (as I know all too well myself). Sounds as if your brother may be grieving and angry. You are a wonderful sister to care so much about your brother. Stay strong. I am sorry about the loss of your mom. I must admit that I am worried about you! I know this time is difficult for you, and on top of losing your mom you are now worrying about your brother. This has to be so difficult for you. Keep us posted and we are always here if you need to talk.

Hugs!

[ForeverRemembered]

I agree with everything that BreathofAngel wrote. There are many stages of grieving and people react to it in so many different ways. There is an anger stage (as I know all too well myself). Sounds as if your brother may be grieving and angry. You are a wonderful sister to care so much about your brother. Stay strong. I am sorry about the loss of your mom. I must admit that I am worried about you! I know this time is difficult for you, and on top of losing your mom you are now worrying about your brother. This has to be so difficult for you. Keep us posted and we are always here if you need to talk.

Hugs!