what the hell happened in my life?

[inretrospect]

Hey everyone, this is my first time ever posting and opening out to the grieving world.

Right now I'm trying to connect with people who share similar circumstances hoping to feel less alone in this everyday fight to stay alive. Lately...I have been feeling that all is lost, depressed, sleeping all the time, listening to melodramatic music, thoughts of suicide but not planning to actually do it while getting stuck in this conundrum of what to believe is the right thing to do anymore(confusion). What's frustrating is that I have been through this cycle many times in my life. Only getting worse everytime I reach rock bottom. The thought always lingers in the back of my mind that the end is near no matter what my next life choice comes to mind. I just truly want to close up shop most days. I lose meaning in my life and understand there are hundreds of people who have it worse and I'm just so selfish and ashamed that I feel and think about it. The only thing that is holding me up right now is my best friend and some anti-depressants. I'm not really sure where to start but it's time to heal some life wounds and share my struggle and hopefully make some kind of connections.

In 2003, my sister (19 years old) suddenly died instantly in a car accident with 5 of her friends who all survived. I was a 17 year old senior in high school with a lot of ambition. I never got to say goodbye in person but had the chance to at the funeral. Our relationship was strong, I looked up to her. She gave me a lot of insight on how I would decide to live my life and also how to cope with the difficult challenges we all face such as keys to women's hearts, who to keep friendships with, how to understand the most difficult people like parents, and of course how to make light out of our failures and losses. She was a big part of who I was and to our community. Born in a middle-class multi-cultured society she was the golden child who could always somehow make light in dark situations. At such a young age she touched many people of all walks of life from the less unfortunate and troubled to the proud and accomplished. She had the heart of mother theresa and swagger of Gwen Steffani. She was authentic and always kept an open mind. She often received much recognition in her accomplishments for her academics and extra curricular activities. Over a thousand people showed up at the funeral creating a line out the door circling the building just to pay tribute. I just always thought we were a small family and did not expect the response. Maybe because she was young? Or nothing that tragic happens in our community? I donno but it was very difficult because it was so awkward to grieve in peace with so much attention.

Rundown:

What my sister meant...

very trustworthy and respectful

Patient

an Inspiration

Brought peace within my immediate family

Loved and cherished in the community

Guidance

Kind

Strong sense of self

Fun as Hell

Responsible

I tried to be much like her.

When your parents die, it is said you lose your past; when your spouse dies, you lose your present; and when your child dies, you lose your future. However, when your sibling dies, you lose a part of your past, your present, and your future.

After her death:

its been 8 years since her passing and never sought counseling till last year. It's hard to share with people because its been so long and most people think i've gotten over it. But it's almost like i'm still 17 empty and haven't really grown. Also, I'm not sure how to be an only child now which has distanced my relationship from my parents. I have tendency to pull the rug right under myself when I have something good and I had many good things happen even after my sisters death but i just screw everything up or lose it. There's just many time where apathy comes takes over my life. Is that my sister's void? I've had many out of control moments and I'm ashamed because I don't like to hurt people when I get in these trying times. It takes me so much energy for me to sustain relationships because I go through cycles of just disappearing from everyone. I'm tired of it. It pains me when I have so many of these inner conflicts of self talk.

I became highly sensitive to criticisms, close minded, shallow, judgmental, empty, forgetful and a whole lot of i don't even like being around myself.

I spent many years thinking that if I just keep a positive attitude everything would just change but I sure ran out of gas. I've tried many things to cope - from drugs, religion, self-help books, parents guidance, friends guidance, journaling, traveling, volunteering, and counseling.

I know I repressed and suppressed a lot of my own grief but after her death I just wanted to be some what normal. I cared so much how society viewed me. I feared my parents grief and seems like they are doing better now because they have each other, I was the outcast of my family and was always afraid to go to my parents for any emotional support even before my sister passed away.

Counseling helped for a little but still ended up emotionally empty.

I've been more reckless and non-caring and less connected with myself and Im just so ashamed about it because I know thats not what my sister would want. I just always feel self-defeated from it.

I used to be more toughed skinned and it now its wearing thin and i'm tired fighting.

I'm running out of ideas to keep going and find meaning out of my life that no matter which direction i go in life its comes up empty.

Thank for reading...

[ModKonnie]

In retrospect,

I am very sorry about the loss of your sister. When I was 14, my world was shattered when my older brother was killed in a car wreck. I spent Christmas Eve at a funeral home, and Christmas was a nightmare as my father sat drinking and crying. He never recovered. I have permanent scars, too from that experience.

I am saying this to tell you because I want you to know that it's okay to have scars from the experience.

I am glad you sought help. It may take awhile, but in the end, it will hopefully help you process all the pain and emotional turmoil you have experienced.

Talking about your pain is a good way to help get out the hurt. Many people repress their pain and have to deal with it later. This is a great start.

What do you really want to do with your life? Do you have a career? Have you tried writing songs or poetry? Have you written a letter to your sister to tell her what you want to say to her about all of this? It may certainly help.

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

[inretrospect]

Hey there Mod Konnie,

Thanks for the response...I truly appreciate it. At first, I hoped no one read this post and was afraid of who would respond. After reading your response it was comforting.

You asked:

What do you really want to do with your life? I have no idea anymore...I used to want to impact on the world but after awhile the world made an impact on me. Kind of Jaded now.

Do you have a career? I've tried a lot of things...I have gone to college and finished my studies with a Bachelors in Psychology(college was so tough) did it for my parents. After that I worked at restaurants for more than 6 years while in college and 2 years out of college. Then I was a Ballroom dance instructor for almost a year but I couldn't handle being so extraverted and being judged all the time. It was a pretty demanding job and a very shallow world, but had a lot of fun. All my friends have careers, and I feel like I have been on survivor mode since my sister's death, that it is just so hard to keep up with the people love, and when I hang out with them, I am so ashamed because I've been wasting time. So the answer is, No. I don't have a career.

Have you tried writing songs or poetry? I did, it was my funeral speech to my sister.

Have you written a letter to your sister to tell her what you want to say to her about all of this? Well, I did in college, It was a letter for her court case, the lawyers wanted me to write the after effects of my sister's death. It was horrible because after I wrote it, I got so depressed for at least month of just straight sleeping in.

This scar sucks.

[ModKonnie]

Yes, this scar is awful, but it sounds as though you've at least attempted to move forward. So, you studied for your parents--what do you want to study? Do you even like pyschology? I work in the behavioral health field at a women's prison, so psychology is something that has recently grasped my interest. I hated it for years--I thought it was boring and all the people in the field, I thought were strange. Now, I realize I was wrong.

Yes, we all start out wanting to change the world, but somehow that changes. I have realized as I got older that the world is okay, although it needs some cleaning up. Instead, I am trying to change me for the better.

You sound bright and intelligent but it just sounds like you haven't found your niche, or spot, yet. That's okay because it sometimes takes some of us longer than others. I think it's nice that you have tried a variety of things. Ballroom dancing is on my bucket list to try, although there is no way I could actually teach it.

Do you want to teach? Do you want to counsel? Do you want to run a business? Do you want to travel? Did you like restaurant work?

ModKonnie

[Anusia]

I am so sorry about your pain. It left me shaking with fear. Your pain decribes my situation ,3 month after my sister's death,not years. later.How did you manage? or you just refused to feel the pain.?

I cannot refuse to feel it. bouts of sadness attack me,and a desire to go to bed overwhelms me.I think ,I have no choice to go through the valley of sorrow -and tell the tale later. I wish you the courage to do it.I cried reading your entry,as every word resonated with me.Count on my heartfelt support-we who are now siblingless.