Lost my husband...

[Rhonda61]

I am new to this forum, and decided that I needed someone to talk to . Where I live there is really no grief counsel or anything, and someone suggested that I join an online forum, so here I am!!!

My story .....

My husband and I were married in 1987.

In 2004, my husband became ill, and was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. He started going to Rheumatologists, and seemed at one point that he was getting better, but he slowly got worse.

May 10, 2010, my husband came to me and said, I can't breathe. I was just floored! He immediately went to the doctor and promptly diagnosed with Rheumatoid Lung. I was told at that point he would be ok, but he needed to see a Lung doctor, and was put on oxygen.

May 17th 2010, we went to the lung doctor, and was shown the x-rays that were taken the previous week. His lungs had so much inflammation that you could not even see the outline of the lung itself. The doctor put him in the hospital, and on a much stronger type oxygen. I walked with the doctor outside the room, and begged him to tell me my husband would be ok. This doctor looked at me and said, " Hon, he will never leave this hospital " . and you can guess my reaction. I was also told not to tell him, because if he had any chance at all, he would have to keep his hopes up.

We were put into the hospital, and the following Thursday, he was transferred into a Critical Care Unit., and I was told to get his affairs in order. In less than a week, I went from one doctor saying he'd be fine, to getting his affairs in order!! People have told me I was like a walking zombie.. I don't remember

I slept in the waiting room, since I could not stay with him. I would go to him during visiting hours, cheerful, then go out to fall apart I did this for 7 weeks, until he took his last breath June 25th 2010.

My husband was only 51 years old, and he died from something that we had no idea even existed! I am having a really hard time moving on, even though its been 2 1/2 years. I lived with my parents afterwards for 2 years because I simply could not go back to our home. 6 months ago, I moved out but only to a small house on my parents land.

I remember little about the funeral and the first 1 1/2 ... My kids fill me in on how I acted. I have lost my best friend... I just do not know how to go on without my husband. He passed away from something that you just don't die from. Rheumatoid Arthritis... ? He had this saying on his very bad days, " No one dies from R.A. " But he did....

[Sue_Ellen]

I, too, recently lost my husband. He had oral cancer, but seemed to be doing okay. He had extensive surgery and spent the last 14 months of his life eating through a G-tube. His speech was difficult to understand but I knew what he was saying. He was my best friend, my other half. We were married 17 years, together for 18; but I knew him since grade school. I came home from work one night and found him "sleeping" on the couch. Usually when I got home from work, he would holler "Hi, baby. How was your day?" . When I saw him on the couch, I thought "oh, he's taking a nap". When I put my things down and went over to tell him I was home, I saw that it wasn't a nap. My world just crashed. This was totally unexpected. Thankfully, I had text him from work that morning about 9:30 and told him I loved him. He responded the same and told me to "get to work!". We believe he died shortly after that. I don't normally text him in the morning, usually wait until lunch, but I am so glad that I did that day. Now with the holidays, I am so depressed it is hard to function. Saturdays are especially hard. I lost my son a year ago, had recurrent breast cancer the beginning of this year, and am having a really hard time dealing with all the losses of this year. I read a post where someone said they can't wait for 2012 to be over. I'm in her club. I came to a realization today that I'm "running" from the truth. I try to keep busy with work, spend time with my grandchildren and my parents, changed my hair color, got a new couch (this is where he died), and just try each night to not fall apart. Yet, I am having "one of those days" today. My sister was widowed 6 years ago, quite unexpectedly too. She has been great support for me. But helping me through my tough days has brought up all the memories of her going through this and I feel guilty about that. How does one get the mind to shut off??? I can't sleep without the help of medicine. Does that get any better? My heart is still broken and I don't know how to "fix it". Living alone is so very hard to do when you had the best life ever with someone else, the someome who isn't here any longer.

[Rhonda61]

First of all, Sue-Ellen... you have my sympathies. I know what you are going through. I had known my husband when we were in grade school as well. I thought he was the most handsome thing! Of course, me being 2 years younger, he had no time for me!! But we " met " again, in 1986 and married in 1987, so we were together 24 years..

The doctors would not let me tell him that he was dying, and so I feel guilty about that. That maybe he didn't have time to get his thoughts together, but then... knowing my husband like I did, he had time.

I think we all feel guilty about things, wish we could have done differently. When I get like that, I try and remember what my husband would have told me, and it makes me smile. How long has it been since you lost your husband, Sue-Ellen?

[DJCCHV]

Hello,

We all understand, and I understand losing a husband far too early and from something totally unexpected. We are different in that I had not time to get used to the idea.

My husband was 57 and was fighting his way back from a diagnosis of bipolar along with various physical ills. He always took his meds and usually did fine with them. He had two hip replacements in the last year and got full dentures. In other words, he had worked his way through to looking forward to the years he had left and making plans to enjoy them dealing with problems as they came. He was himself again, pretty much, though he did have his bad evenings, which I have since learned were sundowning. No one ever told either of us as far as I know. One day, he was putting out the trash and the cat dashed out the door. His hips were doing so well, he dashed after the cat, fell over a tree root and broke his foot. He had a very hard time psychologically dealing with this new period of immobility, but I kept telling him it was only a few weeks. We kept talking about all our plans for the summer.

But three weeks into this last 6-week mobility, I lost him to a sudden heart arrhythmia. It still feel SO unfair to me that he should have subjected himself to SO much pain and struggle to make the best of a diminished future, only to be denied even that. He was only 57 and no doctor had ever mentioned anything at all wrong with his heart.

This happened in March. I'm doing OK rebuilding my life. But it still hurts, especially when I come upon anyone else dealing with a death. When that happens and I'm hurting, I send a message up to him (yes, I still talk to him all time) and ask him to look up that other missing loved one and take care of them, because I think the only that mars their afterlives is not being able to comfort the people they care about. Let other people comfort you as best you and they can. I live quite distant from my father, sister, and brother, but I'm going to visit them for the holidays. It will be better that way.

Take care.

[Sue_Ellen]

Rhonda, Don was 57 and he died 9/7/2012. I watched him deteriorate over the past year, become a shadow of the man I married, but he never lost his sense of humor. That's one of the things I loved about him. Reading your post, I see that you had a similar experience. It's so hard to see the one you love the most trying to be brave and know things are going downhill. This is something we will never get over, just have to find a way to live with. My sympathies to you and sending you hugs!

DJCCHV, I am so sorry for your sudden loss, too! I talk to Don too. Not sure if he hears me, but I still talk to him. Many people say their loved one comes back to them in a dream, but I haven't "heard" from Don at all and that bothers me. I KNOW he is in heaven with other loved ones but I would love to have a sign from him that he is okay now. I especially miss him when I go to our grandchildrens' games and school activities. Don loved going to watch the grandkids. The first few times I did that without him, I cried all the way back home. It is easier now but the hurt is still there.

Thank you both for your reply. I just had a really bad start to my day yesterday, but it did get better. You just never know when those moments are going to wash over you. Thank you for your thoughts.

[Rhonda61]

Sue Ellen....

Like you, I was upset that my husband had not " come " to me in a dream, or felt him around me at all during that first year. That first Easter, 11 months after he first became ill, I dreamed about him. Or let me say, I think I dreamed.

I saw him walking towards me, he looked like he did when we first met, and he was healthy. The room was pitch black and he was outlined in a light. He reached for me and gave me a hug, and told me he had been busy so that was why I hadn't felt him.

I don't have enough room to tell you everything, but I can say it did take about a year before I started dreaming about him, and after 2 1/2 years, I have dreamed about him twice! So give yourself time.

The other thing is, I read a book, " Heaven is for Real" That book gave me more peace than anything I had read. It's a true story about a child having a near death experience... If you can, you should read it.

It's been 2 1/2 years for me, and I don't quite as many bad days as I did, but I do still have alot of them.

[Rhonda61]

DJCCHV.....

I am so sorry about your husband.. It's really hard watching the love of your life, struggle for every day, and there is nothing you can do....except, pray, try and be their support. I agree with you, it is unfair. My husband and I finally had the kids grown, and we were getting ready to start going places, doing things, and then he was taken. We always thought we had time.....

It will be better for you to visit your relatives during Christmas.. The holidays are so hard....

Take care of yourself!