The longing and loneliness

[Tab]

Weekends are my worse time for many reasons.

During the week I mindlessly go about what is needed to be done. I cannot sleep properly, still waking to the schedule I had in place while caring for her, which makes my days very long and drawn out. The nights are lonely and overbearing but the weekends I have come to dread the most.

Saturday, which was our day that we do something together, was the day she died and now is linked to the loss of her. My mind still wants to replay the event at the time that I happen to look at the clock. Saturdays are like a countdown to me so I avoid looking at the time as much as possible. Last weekend was especially hard since I had to deal with Saturday again, her Memorial was on Sunday plus Monday marked the one month of her passing. All this week has been about memories surfacing that breaks my heart and missing her so much it hurts. With so much time on my hands and the deep rooted ache of missing her the weekend intensifies all of that. This feeds into me missing her which feeds into my loneliness which feds back into missing her and the cycle spirals out of control in me. I am without family and our friends have stopped calling or visiting. I do hot hold any animosity toward them. I understand the holidays are here and they have a life of their own and I know I would not be very good company for them anyway.

My counselor stated that I need to make a new identity without her and I understand the reasoning behind it but nothing in me wants to be seperated from her and to make a new identity comes across as if that is what I have to do. I miss her so much that I can't right now and I am so damn lonely without her because of it. I am afraid that the weekends will become the downfall of me.

I Loathe the Days and Dread the Nights.rtf

[Jane A]

Tab, I understand. See the other item I posted. Thinking of you!

Jane