Really missing my dad

[cmcnaught0914]

I recently lost my father back on October 25th to hepatitis c.

He was only 52, and it was a long hard struggle with the disease.

I am only 19 myself and Im currently away at college, and going through alot.

I consistantly wake up at night from a nightmare going over the last minutes

of my dads life, or the moments when i saw him really sick, and the last conversation we had. One minute I'm going on with my life and everything is okay and then sometghing will remind me of him, and all the images of him really sick, shaking, thin and the images of him in his casket come flooding back intro my mind... and i cant shake them and I break down. I feel like its never going to go away and Im never going to have a goodnights sleep again. Does anyone else have this happen to them? i feel that this isntnormal or healthy

- Carmela J

[kaycee42]

October 25th is not that long ago you need to give yourself more time, those normal patches will gradually get longer and longer. You are perfectly normal I am going through the same thing at the moment My Dad passed in August. I think it is just our brains way of adjusting, take care and give yourself more time.

[tjordan]

Hi Carmela,

My Mom passed away in October at the age of 52, and I'm feeling the same way you are. The littlest things will trigger memories of my Mom. Please know that you're not alone. I think it will get better, it just takes time.

[RobbG]

it's not strange at all. the circumstances with the loss of my father were different but I still have nightmares and wake up shaking in cold sweats.

[ForeverRemembered]

Hi! I just read your post. You posted this on my mom's birthday (December 14). I lost my mom on September 11, 2012. She was in respiratory distress. She was a DNR so they couldn't put her on a breathing machine. So instead, I sat and watched the nurses in the ER keep pushing her back down on the stretcher every time she tried to sit up. She was in congestive heart failure for a long time, and she would have to sit up in bed (constantly) in order to feel like she could breathe. She was in Septic Shock with Bilateral Pneumonia and she couldn't breathe. All she wanted to do was sit up and the nurses just kept making her lie back down. One of the ER nurses was trying to put in an IV and almost climbed on top of my mom in order to keep her from sitting up. It was awful. It was just like watching a fish that had jumped out of water and was struggling to breathe. My mother turned blue and then had what looked like a seizure and she went unconscious.

I tell you all that to let you know that I understand what you are saying. Every time I laid my head down those images of my mom went through my head. I couldn't sleep which only made everything worse. I finally went to talk to a doctor. I told him I didn't want to go on any medications. He said, that's good because I wasn't going to put you on any! I was shocked! I thought for sure he would tell me that I going crazy. Instead, he told me that it takes the brain almost a full year to go through all the details and adjust to the loss. Your brain is just trying to make sense of what has happened. A little like post traumatic stress. For me...just knowing that it was all normal, made me feel better! I still think about that day but it isn't as often. When I do see the images in my head, I don't break down and cry every time. I can now close my eyes at night and go to sleep. What I am trying to say (most likely I am not saying it so great) but I am trying to say that I can feel that I am slowly getting better. I think that is the key. If you feel that you are getting better. It may not be a huge difference. Even a tiny improvement in the way you feel or the length in between the times you break down...it is still moving in the "getting better" direction! You posting your post on this site was moving yourself in the right direction. The hardest thing for me to remember is that I am still morning the loss of my mom. I can't rush it because I know that doesn't work. Do we ever really stop completely mourning? Right now, I say no. But I can tell you that it has gotten easier for me. So, just know that time is your friend. Give it time. Just go with it. Let yourself replay whatever your brain needs to replay and then replace it with a happier time. I really hope I helped you. Even if it was a tiny tiny bit. You are not alone. Your feelings are normal. HUGS!