Cant get past the loss...?

[KelRen]

Hi,

I am new here so please bear with me if i post this in the wrong area or whichever

At 18 i lost my father unexpectedly, then following his death the next year my uncle who was basically a father figure to me ( my actual father wasnt a large part of my life from around 8 yrs old ) i then lost my Nanna the following year after and then my Pop 6 months later. I was very very close to my grandparents, i saw them everyday they along with my uncle were a very large part of my life. My uncle passed away within two weeks of being diagnosed with cancer, and both my grandparents both passed away from illess which i watched them both suffer, and i almost feel asthough the years from age 18 to now (25) i have almost spent worrying, fretting over who will get sick and leave me, and worrying about other family members dealing with their grief. I also have alot of episodes where i feel i cannot cope but somehow over come this myself, however i do not really share my grief with others. I often feel like i wish i was 10 again when everyone was fit and healthy, i very often long for that again is this a normal feeling? i almost feel guilty for still having very down episodes like i 'should be getting over it by now'. I find christmas especially hard and also anything which brings about memories i find quite difficult. I have alot of feelings where i did not 'have the chance' to say or do what i feel i needed to and feelings of guilt for not 'being' there for each person as they passed. I did not see my father nor my uncle to say good bye. Does anyone else still experience such grief years after the fact?

[dasikins]

Hi KelRen,

Ugh, I know how you feel! That's why I joined these forums tonight. I lost my father at 16 (I am 31) now and my mother suddenly and unexpectedly at 28. Then my uncle (who was also like a father to me) and aunt died the following year. That was the end of my family.

Even after four years I find myself sobbing unexpectedly during christmas! I will hear a song we played for christmas and just lose it.

So yes to respond to your question I still experience grief years after the fact. It will just hit me like a ton of bricks! I hope we can both begin to feel better though, because wow, I must look slightly mentally unstable at times lol

[Kiki2466]

It's been 6 months for me and I'm not even CLOSE to being over it......you're not alone.

[KelRen]

Thanks to you both for replying... its good to know im not alone in the way i feel im hoping speaking with people who have been through similar things to myself will help. I do sometimes worry i may be seen as 'mentally unstable' also when i have breakdowns, im usually very good at controlling these but there are definately days at work when im biting my lower lip or slinking off to the bathroom to cry. I feel showing my feelings sometimes makes other people uncomfortable? I have a good partner who is very understanding, well as much as he can be as he luckily as of yet has not experienced the loss of anyone close. Its hard to feel like having a great family a few years ago and to now having barely anyone left...its really hard to come to terms with. It makes me sometimes fret who else will leave but i do try to look at the positives.

Im starting to feel now that i cannot change what has happened and at some point we all will or have experienced loss, its never easy to deal with but you can always hold the memories you have they will never leave you. Im also learning that it is healthy to still feel a great sense of loss rather than beating myself up thinking 'people must think i should stop dwelling on the fact'.

[RobbG]

You're definitely not alone. I've lost the majority of my family but nothing worse than losing my Dad in November. It's hard because he is who I went to when I felt down. I also have a great wife but the things going on in my mind are too scary for me to tell her. I went back to work and have the same troubles, I slink off occasionally when things get too emotional.

When I was 11 (I'm 34 now) I lost my brother. It took me years to get over it. It actually intensified as I got older. I started thinking because he died at 31 I would somehow be doomed to die young. I don't know why but this thought consumed me. I just didn't care about handling my life because I was going to be dead soon anyways. Fortunately that didn't come to pass. About two years ago I woke up one morning, thought of my brother as always and smiled. There was no sadness, it was gone. I can't explain it and I am not spiritual so I don't think it was God.

All that was wiped out when I found my father dead. I don't know how long this will take to get over. I am glad to have found this forum where I can write things I can't tell anyone else for fear of them thinking I'm nuts or worrying them. You aren't alone in this.

[steelersfanlisa]

RobbG I can totally relate to what you are saying on the work and home front...everyone thinks you will be okay just give it some time and has no idea what emotionally what we are going through. I check out have many what I call black hole moments at work. It is so hard to focus. Nothing seems that important to me right now. Hang in there...I hope you are having a decent day today. Lisa

[RobbG]

Thanks Lisa, things are still rough today. Seems like every time I am asked to do something I internally react angrily. Outwardly I just nod my head and do what I'm told but inside I'm in a rage. It's funny because before all this my job seemed completely unimportant/comical and now it just seems ridiculous, like nothing matters at all.