Marrriage...

[Peanuts mom]

Is there anyone here who not only lost there child, but due to the grieve/pain lost thier marriage as well?

[JD99501]

Wow. No responses. I heard the strain of the loss typically ends marriages. Two people hurting so much.

[justinlsmom]

Hi Peanuts Mom, We lost our son on August 4, 2012, I can tell you it can be a strain on a marriage. For the first couple of months we leaned on each other alot, telling stories, talking about things we wish we did and didnt do. We needed each other, there are no 2 other people in this world who loved our son more then we did, we knew that and we both were lost in our grief, but we also spent all of our time together, we were the only 2 people (and our daughter) who wanted to talk about Justin all the time and we felt comfortable enough to do it ALL the time. Im not sure how to describe what happens as time goes on, there is a numbing, and pulling back of yourself, it is unintentional but it happens, everybody starts to go through the grief their own way, everybody seems to be in their own heads and rooms(physically) and you dont know how to fix it because you dont have the energy, this goes on, at least for us, for a couple of months and then there is the coming back together to a point, not sure it is ever going to be the same, we all seem a little more guarded for some reason, I know this sounds strange as you would think that it would bring us all closer, but i think we are all a little frightened of our feelings and not sure what to do. I can say what we are doing now 5 1/2 months down the road, is keeping busy, but we are at least keeping busy together, we are waking up every day and getting through the day, we still argue, and sometimes I want to blame my husband for always putting me between my son and him. My husband and my son could be like oil and water sometimes, my daughter and myself are very much the same way, but now my son is gone and I sometimes want to lash out and hurt somebody with my words and my husband is an easy target, I dont do it, but sometimes I think about yelling at him and reminding him of the times he hurt my sons feelings over stupid little things that don't matter, but I dont, because I know I am just as guilty, we didnt know we would only have him for 20 years, we were trying to be good parents and teach him to be a responsible adult, and it was working, he was a great kid. Now we just have the regrets of the times we fought with him and times we wouldnt let him do certain things, now in hindsight I wish I could have just let him be him. I know that is silly as kids need guidance and direction. Sorry I got off topic, lets just say every marriage is different and if it was not strong before the death and there was no respect, I doubt very much a marriage would survive. We are only 5 1/2 months in, we dont even know, it is something I think about quite often, this changes the person you were drastically and also gives you an attitude of "whatever" "what does it matter anymore", the pain is always there, the memories are always there. I feel I have become jaded, I don't really "care" what happens now, because whatever it meant to happen will happen regardless to what I do and i do not have the enery anymore to try and change things. I don't know if this is what you were looking for , but this is my take so far. Take care

[mrsmilton]

OMG!

Thank you for being honest. We loss our only son. I use the word "I" because my husband never want to get online. He rather watch TV. Our grief has taken a toll on our marriage for me. We loss our only son 10/2/2012. He lived with us. We have a daugther, that grew up with him. He is 20. Daugther is 23, lived in her own apartment. My son was my protector. My children always went to my husband before me because I was the dispilian parent. I am always jealous of that. I know my children love me, but my husband like the fact that they went to him over me. My husband is always laid back and no drama. I had to ask questions, set the path to make a better living. He never wanted to go to school. I did and finished. He supported me and watched the children while I worked and went to classes years ago.. Now, we have nothing in common anymore. We only talked about our children. Mainly our son, because he was still at home. Since our son died, I no longer find the desire to be physical/intimate with my husband anymore. I feel like a dumping ground. Men are physical,,Women,,does not matter. That was never a problem before, we fussed but always able to keep moving. Now, we in our home alone, no communication. He in one room watching TV. I am in another room watching TV and on the computer. We don't know each other. The first time in over 20 plus years, we could not change the outcome and make it better. Our son was shot and we have a lot of legal issues to deal with. Good young man, running with a rough group of people. Well, guess who has to deal with them alone? Me! Our home was builded about 8 years ago. Two of our children are apart of this house. Now, every room reminds me of my loss, outside, inside, his room, our room. It hurts. I remember when I loss my mother and stepfather re-married. I moved away with my husband and begun a new life. It made things better. Now, I told him we are just room mates and that is ok. He still does not talk to me. I know he has said that our son was his best friend and only son. So, yes death of a child will enhance the break up of a marriage. I cooked everyday..loved to cook..Now, I breakdown everytime I have to go into the kitchen and cook and know that my son will never sit at our kitchen table again, enjoy my cooking. My husband did not even really ask me to cook. He just said it is okay, he would cook if he had too. We never really were social bubs, meaning we worked/home---home/work. Now, it does not mean anything to me. I worked to make things better for our childen. Well, when I loss my son...what does it matter now. I did not get luck and grow old and watch my children grow older and raise their kids. No one in my immediate small family loss a child, I am the only one..Now, people don't look at you the same,,I see the pity in their body language. I feel the pity in their hugs..which I did not ask for hugs. I hope this helps someone!