Just keeps getting harder...

[Yadairaisabel]

It's 5:06 am and I have yet to find peace and go to bed. I'm afraid to close my eyes and know that when I open them again ill have to deal with not having chuck. Our son keeps asking for daddy and I have continued to try to explain. Many say that because my son is only three he won't remember yet all the professionals I have spoken to ( his doctor and the grief counselor) told me that he won't remember the sadness since he was not involved with the wake etc but he will have memories of his father. Which makes me feel better because at least he will have good memories. Now our daughter only spent three weeks of her life with her daddy she will never remember and that breaks my heart.

I'm not getting any better. I keep going back and forth in my steps of grieving. Specially the anger stage. I have gone thru some very harsh hits during my short life time things that I can't even mention and finally when I thought that I was going to finally be happy one of the best things on my life gets taken away. And the hell with me why do my kids have to grow up without their father? That is just so unfair!!! All the talks he planned to have with the kids, all his dreams ripped away! It's not right!! He was an amazing man, a wonderful father, and loving hubby. He lived for us. He did nothing wrong didint hurt anyone all he did was live for his family we were his all. And he was our all. My anchor he kept me balanced and now he's gone. The days keep passing and I keep waiting for him to walk thru that door! And the damn holidays don't make this any better. I guess it's just one of those days

[Aimee]

I am so sorry for the loss of your Chuck, and your children's father. I lost my Charlie this year, too. My kids lost their father... It is so early in your grieving. Allow yourself your anger. It is unfair that your kids will not have their father. It is unfair that you will have to brave this for them. You will hopefully find some peace. Nothing will be better, just easier.

You can have as many "just one of those days" as you want. I completely understand your pain. Christmas Day will mark 10 months since Charlie died. It isn't going to be easy. Stay strong. Or not and have a "day"....

[Yadairaisabel]

Thank you Aimee. I'm sorry for your loss and you are very right it's not easy. I just get like this and just want to pop I know it's normal but it just gets frustrating.

[Silvergirl61]

Give yourself time. Time to grieve, time to rest, and time to heal. Like they said, it's early days yet. Making a conscious choice to let myself feel like i do helped me immensely. You don't have to apologize for being sad, or feeling the feelings you do. This is a life altering loss.

I don't know what the answer is, to why the one we love most, is the one we lose. I don't think there is any answer to that question, for any of the people who ask it. All I know is this- as the days go by, I feel less like I can't go on..and think more about how to do just that, and to maybe , someday, be happy again.

When a small happiness comes through, let it in. Try to find reasons to smile, if only for a moment.

If you feel angry, it's ok. If you feel scared, that's ok, too. This is your own personal journey, and no other person can make it for you...they can only walk beside you, if you ask them to. Make it your way, and in your own time- only you can set the schedule for how you deal with this. No rules- they are just a guide, and don't let other people's idea of how you feel make you feel like you are wrong.

I hope you find, as I have, that as time passes, you will feel better, than you do now. Be patient with yourself. I'm wishing you some comfort today, and sending some good thoughts your way.

[nancy7282]

Just love your response Silvergirl...wonder where you get all of your wisdom! I too just can't seem to get to feel better. My husband has been gone for 4 months, and I guess I feel sadder than i did in the beginning....Just miss him more and more every day instead of less and less. Sometimes I wonder how am I ever going to live like this for years? What an awful thing to lose the person you love most in the world, and that loves you the most too. Thanks for listening,

Nancy7282

[Silvergirl61]

I have to say, with me, it's been by trial and error, mostly. I have been a mess, for quite some time.

Most of the change lately, has been weirdly enough, because of Dennis, and some great advice from people here.

Dennis and I had a very close, very good relationship, even before we were romantically involved, and the years of friendship gave us a strong base for our marriage. We really did talk about everything, including what if something happened to one of us? What we wanted for arrangements, last wishes, and most of all, what we wanted for the other one, and how we hoped for life to be good . I just never really expected to be the one left, I guess. In spite of his health alarms, and my continuous worrying, he always told me how tough and strong he was, and how he would be fine...and eventually I let myself think he would be. After all, the doctors told me I was worrying over nothing, but, as I know now, they were wrong.

I am sad, and at times, I am so terribly lost without him. But I also know, without any room for doubt, that he would HATE seeing me like this. SO , I have to try to pull myself together, and try to get on with things. I promised him I would remember what he told me, and i am coming to where thinking about him isn't so hard, because I can think of him when he was laughing, and happy, and I really can feel the love coming through all the pain of losing him.

I am finally able to dream about him, and sometimes, when I wake up now, the happiness lingers, instead of the terrible jarring shock of knowing he's gone, and starting to cry... I can wake up calm, and that helps, too. I write to him, not every day, and tell him the things I want to be able to tell him. I am regaining my trust, that somehow, in another place, we will be together again.

I have a long way to go, and a lonely and hard time to get through, but I really believe, he is still with me, and still a part of me. I could have lost him at any time, when he was in the Gulf, or one of the other scary places he had to go. It didn't happen then, and so I guess I convinced myself it never would. But it has, and I have to find a way to build a different life, without my friend beside me, to help me through it. SO, sometimes I am angry, and sometimes, I cry. Sometimes, I'm not really sure I'm doing the right thing, or that I am even acting sane. But I'm doing the best I can, and that's all anyone should expect from any of us.

People who have never been where we are, have no real idea of what this is like. I've lost people before. I've seen my mom and my sibs go through some terrible , tragic losses, and thought I understood...but I really didn't, not like I do now. It's not wisdom, it's experience, and change, and a look from another perspective. I thank you for the compliment, though. Being wise would be a great gift to have.

We will all find our way along these cliffs we are walking, one way or another. Especially since we all have each other now, to lend a hand, or just to listen.

Have a peaceful night. Silver