Christmas brings it all up again...

[gettingonwithit]

Hi, I lost my little brother back in 2007 and he was only 29 and had been married 6 months. He died in an unfortunate accident that could have been prevented and I have been through all the usual stages of anger and grief.

I just find that every time we have a major family event like Christmas I feel like a big hole is left in my life. I have a lovely wife, three great kids and a good job. Many would say I have nothing to worry about but it seems to hit me every time....

The initial grief does hit hard and I realise it does get easier to live with eventually but major events like Christmas do dig it all up again. Do others find this? - Do you have any hints and tips on coping with this kind of thing?

[ModKonnie]

HI gettingonwithit,

I am sorry about the loss of your brother. Yes, anniversaries and special events do trigger many people's grief. People have special ceremonies or start traditions to honor their lost loved ones, they write poems or letters, they share their loved's one's story, or they often do something different than they would have during holidays (For instance, some people travel or volunteer instead of their former "normal" holiday tradition."

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

[Haligh]

gettingonwithit,

I find the exact same thing happens to me. I've been dealing with it for 14 years, and mostly I'm fine, but when Christmas rolls around the bitterness always comes back. Christmas was a big deal for my family, so I always feel the loss of it. I was 13 when he died and he was only 18, so every year I think about what he would've been like as an adult, what it would've been like getting together. When my roommate goes to see his family or gets things in the mail I have to fight off anger spawned from hurt frequently. I have to remind myself that I shouldn't be mad at other people for having what I don't.

Year after year though, I find Christmas getting easier, smiles come more easily. I wish I had good advice for dealing with it but I can't think of anything that does make it easier. All I know to do is to try to focus more on now, think about what I have in my life right now and the happiness of people around me being with their families.

[Mermaid Tears]

I lost my son...but his sister and brothers...lost that brother....and I am awash with grief...but am also dealing with their grief and sadness....there was his big sister, and then he was the oldest boy and then 4 younger boys....so Christmas was always a time for huge crowds...all their friends...noise..cheer...and I can understand..even after years have passed...that Christmas is a time that can awake all the childhood memories...that one doesn't remember the rest of the year...this is going to be a very 'hard rock Candy Christmas' for our family....and I just want all to know that I will pray for each of you....I do know this...when I do something or give something....for someone else who needs....or a child....a layer of healing comes...

[gettingonwithit]

Thanks guys, some really useful information and methods to deal with things in a more constructive way. I think Modkonnie has hit the nail on the head though, I need to make his death a part of my life and my kids life, we need to do something as a family to celibrate his existance and appreciate those now departed. Nothing too extreem, but a rememberence get together or family grave visitation may just be all that is required to make sure they are not forgotten?

Sorry it has taken a long while to reply, been thinking really hard about this one.

Many thanks or the replys and although I am not a religious person I find it strangely comforting when people say they will pray for my family. I find it comforting that people have the humanity to think of others and place peoples wellbeing on their priority list. This has hit me a lot harder than I ever thought possible and I appreciate the advice and thought. Merry Christmas.