just expressing myself

[kendi]

Sometimes, I am just not sure. I pray everyday God gives me the strength and he does. My head will not stop hurting from stress headaches. I keep going because that is what I need to do and because I have kids and that is what Kenny would want. It has been 4 months as off yesterday Kenny left my side to be in my heart forever. I guess I am just relieving some feelings right now. But just not sure I know the medical terms all the way to the spiritually side of grieving. The steps do not come in the order they state and they state they don't come in that order. But I am just not sure on how to feel. I am relieved Kenny did not suffer a long illness and most of all Thankful he didn't. He was such a good person to so many. i miss him more and more everyday and it will not go away. I have tried to celebrate the life with him and I do because I do not regret any of it. I am selfish and want him here. I don't want to be alone, I don't want to see my kids hurt. I want to be the lively person I was before I hate being sad it is not me and I am not the person Kenny fell in love with. I still work my both jobs and smile as I do. I make my kids enjoy their lives and think good things and stay positive. I hide my hurt well most of it because I want my kids to see it is okay to grieve and express your feelings. Kenny showed me so much love and I felt every bit of it I am thankful he had because I would have never know what being in love was suppose to feel like. I guess it is okay to feel like this and I know by reading people's post things do get better some slow some faster than others. I know I will get better and learn to live with the pain as I been told it never goes away it just gets easier to deal with. Loving Kenny forever and ever. Thanks for listening!! May God be with each and everyone