am i crazy?

[ashleyg5983]

I lost my mom to lung cancer 6 months ago. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her. Everything happened so fast.

I tried to keep myself busy so that I wouldn't think of it. No one mentions my mother to me and that hurts. When I tried to talk to my husband about everything that happened he acts like he doesn't care. I know he probably just doesn't know what to say. He was deployed when she died.

I feel I have accepted her death. I tried to prepare myself the best I could but I had no idea it would be so painful. I have 2 young children that won't get to know their grandma. I envy those around me that have their mother.

On to the crazy part. I find myself trying to prepare myself for my husbands death. He is not ill or anything. I guess I just fear that he will die suddenly so I try to imagine my life without him sometimes. I feel insane. I constantly worry about everything. I have a severe brain fog going on. I'm convinced that I have some type of cognitive disorder. Most days I feel like a zombie. I feel I need a vacation from my thoughts.

[Anamika]

I am sorry for your loss. Lossing a parent is a very traumatic experience in life. How old was your mom when she passed away? At least we can be thankful for the time we had with them. I lost my father recently at an young age. Not a day goes by without me thinking about him and feeling so heavy and sad. We will never get over it, we will just learn to live with it. It soon becomes a part of who we are.

I totally understand your feelings and know that it's normal. I also try to imagine the death of dear and near people and wonder how I could cope. First loss in life is an eye opener. It steps up your maturity and sense of responsibility. It then bring you the realisation the world around you is no longer the beautiful perfect bubble. and that a blow can strike you when you least expect it. My fathers death was SO sudden and unexpected. It all happened in 10 days and our lives changed forever that day. Now I constantly fear about another loss and how I would handle it. It's quite natural. And yes, lets be prepared for whatever life brings us. We have to accept life will not remain the same always.

I too envy everyone around who has living parents but we have to move on. These feelings are normal and eventually subside. We will have to find ways to cope and move on...and let's always be prepared for the ugly surprises life brings our way.......

Take care dear.

[ashleyg5983]

Anamika,

Thanks for your reply. It really made me feel better. I'm sorry for your loss. I never knew my father. I know his address and spoke to him on the phone but I don't think I can get close to someone else just to have them yanked away. I know it's apart of life but I'm not there yet.

My mother was 56 when she passed. I am 23 and I moved away from home, got married and had a baby all by the age of 19. I didn't visit her as often as I should've. I think a part of me will always feel guilty for that.