Holidays will never ever be the same...

[Aimee]

The books and therapists all say that I need to make new traditions, to create a "new normal."

I find it very hard to get into the spirit this year. I have put up a tree at the request of my kids... it's small, but it is a tree. I went to 'Things Remembered' and had a heart shaped ornament engraved with the words: "We Love You, Daddy: 2/25/2012" This is the center piece of the tree. Each year we will place a new heart on the tree to honor him. This will be the only one engraved.

What have you done this holiday to honor your loved one? I am looking for more suggestions. Thank you... and this forum for a place to share my deepest grief.

Aimee

[DJCCHV]

Hi Aimee,

I'm sure we all relate to this. I see that our angle dates are almost the same. I think you are very lucky to have children who can share your grieving. I didn't meet my Steve until we were too old to have children. We only had 14 years together. There's no one else who shares the memories of the traditions we had built together and that hurts. Today is my birthday. My family is all a thousand miles away and I'm feeling very very alone and pretty sorry for myself today. I know it will pass. I know I have some friends, though I had thought that maybe I would just ignore my birthday this year because it would be so hard for me. In the end, though, I reached out. Just laid it on the line. I need some love today.

I'm relying on what I call "the powers that be" to provide me with what I need on all the times that will be hard. A friend invited me for Thanksgiving. I called out to my friends today and will treat myself today. This Saturday starts Hannakah. I'm going to see my family for Christmas. I'll probably volunteer for my city's First Night for New years. I have no idea what I'll do for our anniversary in January or for Valentines day. And then it will be a year.

Each of these days will come and I'll get through it, doing whatever I need to do to manage that. But it sure isn't easy. Take very good care of yourself. I'll be thinking of you.

D

[Silvergirl61]

My family has been wonderful so far. They have been creative in changing the holidays enough so they are bearable, so far.

I decided to put up "our tree" and put all the ornaments on it we usually used. I even put it in the same place we had it, ever since we moved in here. I added an eagle ornament for him, this year. Every year, we selected one special one, every since we have been married, to build our own life together. I'm happy with it, and it comforts me.

He's still part of me. I know it doesn't seem to make sense to some of my friends and family, but it's how it is for me. He'll always be a part of me, a bright and treasured part, and one I am not just going to get over or replace. That's just the way it is. There was only one Dennis, and he isn't replaceable.

If in some unimaginable future day, I am lucky enough to stumble on another person who will play a part in my life, he will understand, if he exists. If not, that's ok with me, too. I hope my friends will understand me, the way I am , the things I can't forget, the parts that have been damaged, the parts that will never really heal, and the parts that emerge, after the storm. That's what this is like, in a way..a sudden and devastating storm, that sweeps in and tears your world apart, and leaves devastation behind. Some things can be found, some repaired, some replaced, and somethings are gone forever. There is fear, confusion, grief, darkness, pain, and now, some sunshine, now and then, some peaceful minutes, followed by more rain. I am not sure what will happen, where I will end up, or how I'm going to get there. Just taking each day as it comes.

I can often think of him now, without crying and breaking down. I can remember his smile, and his voice, and listen to some of our music, and the memories are good. Today, it feels like sometime, I might be ok. It's a good sign. Hope is something I've been short on.

Do things in your own way, and in your own time. Politely speak up, and tell people how you feel. Ask for help, when you need it. Those are all pieces of advice others have given me here..and so far, they seem to be on track. Do what seems right to you, and if it doesn't feel right, change it.

Peace be with us all.