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6 years and still struggling with brothers death


beckymollenkamp

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This is a first for me, found this website and thought why not.

Almost 6 years ago, 10 feb 2007 my brother past away. I was 17 at the time and 4 days after was my 18th. My brother was 7 years older than me and was always there for me, we used to fight, talk, support each other but mostly he supported me. I always did and still do look up to him with biggest amount of respect. It was a car accident that was no ones fault except for wet roads, no one else involved just him at 4 in morning. I still cannot get out of my head how alone he was. Anyway last few months before that my brother and i had gotten the closest we had ever been, he apparently had taken off that whole week off work to spend with me and celebrate my 18th. also that night he proposed to his gf of 5 years. It has been almost 6 years and i am still struggling so hard, but keep having to be strong for my mother and my younger sister. In my mind the anchor for them, but i struggle. Friends, even his friends, no-one quite knows what i am going through and find it so frustrating, one minute depressed next so angry. And i dont know what im angry at. Just feel such a void and nothing can fill it, its just so taugh sometimes.

I have no idead what im trying to achieve on this site but i just thought why not.

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Chris23ct,

I am sorry about the loss of your brother. Coming here was a major step in sorting through your feelings, and it was a good step. Have you ever talked about your loss? Do you ever tell anyone how hard you struggle? Perhaps they do, too, and it's okay if you are not the rock for them. You don't have to be.

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

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SomedayPurpleIroc

Chin up man- i lost my brother that was 7 years younger- car accident to. Its been 5 years for me and man......I feel ya on the absolute rage. I hit the gym alot and that helps. But everyone just expects you to move on- Most people dont even want to hear about stories like this let alone give you advice. I go through the depression to- I hope in a way that makes you feel more normal.

I guess in a way we have to make an empowering situation out of it. I know my brother would want it that way. So I try to think if I could handle such a hard transition: I can handle anything else in life. I think reestablishing your faith is really hard but it must me done. I know i know easier said than done....

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I lost my brother 10 years ago, and I went through many years when I didn't deal with it...not really. I am JUST NOW really talking about him and talking about our mom with my therapist, (our mom died a year prior to my younger brother dying)....life does get better slowly. For me, I had to rebuild my own life first in order to be at a place where I was strong enough to talk about it and remember them, how much I love/loved them, and how they were important to me. I miss the depth of those relationships. My relationship with my dad is good, but not as close and comfortable as I was with them.

I can say much more, but won't right now. Btw, I'm in my late 30s now, and when my brother died, he was 23, and I was 28. Our mom died of cancer. Hang tight, I KNOW it hurts. Don't buy into our American society's view that there is and should be a time limit for grieving, because it's simply not possible...and it's natural to miss them, and to miss them, and to miss them.

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GriefandSympathy

There is definitely no time limit for grieving and everyone takes their own time about it. Denial can go on for years and years. My mother has written about this. She was in denial about her mother's death for a long time. She was a nurse for 45 years and has lots of experience in grief, so she's written a website to help others. Here is a link to her page about denial. I hope it will help you and others going through similar experiences. http://www.griefandsympathy.com/denial.html

And Chris23ct, have a look at my mother's site too. There's a page about anger, which is a perfectly natural emotion when grieving. Though you have been going through it for a long time. You have to be able to express your own grief. Don't hide it because you are being the anchor for your family. You have the right to cry and be sad too. You say no-one knows what you are going through. You need to talk to someone. Choose a close friend or someone in your family and let it all out. It will do you a world of good.

Here's to a positive and happier New Year.

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Chris,

I lost my older brother 31 years ago, in the summer of 1982 when I was 14 and just about to enter high school. Much like yourself, my brother and I had grown closer in the months preceding his death. We were registered in different high schools, but he was going to take me to transfer to his school. Days before that was to happen, he and his buddy drown in the local river in the city we grew up in. He was prone to trouble, made my parents furious, couldn't hold a job (mind you he was only 18 at the time of his death), was known to the local police - but he was my hero. He had a personality that was rare. He stood up for me countless times, and knocked me down just as many. When he died, I aged about 20 years in one day. I clearly remeber the pastor of our church coming to the house within hours of us receiving the news, and I wanted to kill him. I have never hated anyone so much in my life, he was the personification of the angel of death. I refused to see him, as my brothers body had not yet been discovered and I refused to believe he was gone. When they found his body, I knew my faith died. I look back on that week as a sort of death of myself, as I have never been the carefree, confident boy I was since. The following years in high school were very difficult for me, and I have felt like my needle has never gotten back into the groove. I am living my life, but it is not the life I was supposed to have. I feel extremely cheated, with nothing to rage against directly. I became a musician, and that helped me cope, but probably served to complete the derailment of my life. I have made countless bad choices, though anyone who knows me would not say I am a bad person. People look to me for leadership, and I will be damned if I know why. I have tried to reinvent myself many times, hoping to reconnect with the person I could have been. But it is like quicksand, the harder I try, the more I seem to sink. The pain is not sharp and hot as it was when I was a teenager, but rather all-encompassing and persistant, like a houseguest that refused to leave. Back then, there was little attention paid to siblings going through berevement. At the time I was grateful as the mere mention of my brother would cause me great emotional distress, but in hindsight, I was suffering great damage, and wish now that a teacher or a guidance councellor had pried me a bit. I don't know why I share this now, but I hope it serves to help somebody avoid the mistakes that I made, and that society made by ignoring my grief. I am going to seek some help, in fact that is why I am here now. I have felt like asking for help for something that happened so long ago would be weak, and that there must be something wrong with me. I have come to the realization that I cannot deal with this on my own.

If you need help Chris, I would strongly advise you to seek it now.

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This really scares me, I'm 23 and my brother was 27. Am I going to feel like this for rest of my life? I cry till I vomit, then have a migraine. He was my only sibling, my big brother. He had an asthma attack and sadly it killed him. I'm so lost and feel hopeless. People say to talk about it but what more do I say then my brother died?

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Like you, I recently lost someone who supported me in ways and to whom I was very close. It was my dad, on Feb. 4. I'm now supported by my older sister who is seven years older like your brother. I lost my mom and my middle sister previously. My middle sister and I had been friends. I hope that you would be able to find happiness again, in whatever way.

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This is my first time posting here as well, and I have to say that others' words have never struck a chord in me as unanimously as what you guys have posted on this thread alone.

My older brother passed away 6 years ago as well,and I was 18 at the time, July 2006. Like you, Chris, my older brother was my hero, my father figure, my best friend. He was struck by a car at a rainy intersection while he was on his motorcycle and the brain swelling put him into a coma for 3 days, cerebral bleeding and brainstem complications destroyed his chances of ever being able to breathe on his own again so we had to pull the plug. I was in France with my family and we were celebrating my high school graduation and having been accepted to the university of florida. When we received the news, we were on a high speed train on the way back to paris and my whole life changed completely at that moment. I began to wonder if he would be disabled for life, brain damaged, etc, how I would possibly cope with my hero being reduced to that. A cold feeling came over me and it has never left me since that day.

6 years is enough to remove the acute pain of that specific moment, but I still wonder why the hell i feel so truly alone despite being around friends, family, new acquaintances. Then I realize that I was absolutely delusional to think that time would soothe the pain of loss. For me, if anything, time makes everything worse. At least 6 years ago he was still fresh in my memory, his smile, the way he talked. It's been so long without him that I just wish that I could remember him more. He was camera shy and for some reason we never took video of him in the years before he passed, only videos as a kid.

This is really a long term ordeal, and I will never be the same person I used to be. I can really identify with what Paul mentioned as a sort of quicksand that I'm in. I can move forward, but it takes so much MORE work, and my brain isn't so efficient anymore, my nerves are absolutely shot, my will isn't so strong anymore, and I just miss him to death and wish that I could see him again. I honestly feel like I have become elderly and crippled over the course of the past 6 years. My friends care about me, but they don't acknowledge the struggle that I continue to work through. It seems as if they just wanted me to get over it already so that I could get back to being their supportive buddy again but I can't. I simply don't speak to these friends anymore, as close as we were in highschool, because I'd rather start fresh with other friends than deal with people who aren't human enough to respect my grief and not demand ridiculous favors of me when I have enough trouble pulling myself through my own life.

I don't talk to my parents much about it because they have enough trouble dealing with the loss. Grief is an extremely lonely process, at least it has been for me. Nights are the absolute worst because we used to hang out together and watch tennis, Most extreme elimination challenge, or set up a LAN and play PC games (with one of those old 'switch' routers, networking wasn't so high tech yet and we didn't have DSL! Didn't need it with the good company of my older brother). Now, I simply can't get myself to do any of these things because they all remind me of him so much, even the new release of the Hobbit messed me up really bad because I could remember when we went to go see the first 3 movies 7 years ago. Sleep is such a luxury, I used to have prescriptions from my doc to just sedate myself, but I just got a tolerance to the pills eventually and couldn't sleep anyway so I kicked all the pills. I pull myself through the week and collapse when I get home friday night, sheer exhaustion is the only thing that works for me anymore. I feel a bit better having posted on here, I know that you guys can relate and I'm not alone, so I'm really grateful for all of you having posted your experiences and feelings. Thank you guys for simply being alive to share grief with me.

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beckymollenkamp

Chris,

My little brother died July 4, 2010. I spent the first 2+ years partying to avoid dealing with the painful grief. Everyone kept saying it gets easier, the pain goes away ... I waited and it didn't happen. Then someone finally gave me a gift. A friend whose brother had died a decade before said "I won't lie. It never stops hurting and it will always suck. But you learn to live with it." That was a gift to me because I finally felt like there wasn't something wrong with me that I still hurt. So, in the last few months, I've decided it's time for me to grieve, even if it hurts so much. I'm still taking my time and not doing great, but I've found that running is helping me keep my sanity while also giving me time to think. I've also found that reading a ton (even books not related to grief) is really helping me. I'm blogging about my experiences if you're interested ... maybe just the shared pain is enough to give you some inspiration. Maybe not. If you want to check it out, it's at http://www.beckymollenkamp.com. I've had other people message me that it helps with their grief just to read about my journey. I'm hoping that at least some good like that can come from our family's loss. If there's any support I can give you, please let me know.

Becky

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Hello Chris:

I certainly have no sage wisdom or advice on how to cope with the loss of a brother.  I lost my brother a decade ago, and while my body has aged, in many ways I feel frozen at that age.  I guess because I also died that day too.  The only reason I still reside in this realm is because my parents are still alive.  Regardless, I wish I could help you or anyone with their grief but I know that’s impossible.  The pain never lessens.  Someone recently asked me if I have healed.  I don’t know how that could ever be possible.  I will forever be broken and in pain.  Props to those people who claim time heals, or it gets better.  Maybe it does for those people.  My only comfort is when I think about how someday I too will get to die.  Not because I think that I will see him in the afterlife.  Just because I will finally stop this suffering.  

 

Peace,

Christopher 

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Duaayousif

I don’t know why do I reply in this , I don’t have any advice to share , I’m even don’t know what to do , i lost my biggest brother 3 month ago ,he was 3 years older than me . I greave for 2 weeks or less than I back to my normal life I had too ,I have to support my family but I couldn’t I’m hopeless no work no money no motivation  I hope this days pass 

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I also lost a sister 2 days before Christmas on bad roads. I truly felt what you said. Mine was six years older than me and had 4 little girls. We were inseparable and she is my best friend for life. The void and the sadness is more than overwhelming! Thank you for posting! I don’t feel so alone

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On 3/11/2013 at 12:38 AM, dannyb87 said:

This is my first time posting here as well, and I have to say that others' words have never struck a chord in me as unanimously as what you guys have posted on this thread alone.

My older brother passed away 6 years ago as well,and I was 18 at the time, July 2006. Like you, Chris, my older brother was my hero, my father figure, my best friend. He was struck by a car at a rainy intersection while he was on his motorcycle and the brain swelling put him into a coma for 3 days, cerebral bleeding and brainstem complications destroyed his chances of ever being able to breathe on his own again so we had to pull the plug. I was in France with my family and we were celebrating my high school graduation and having been accepted to the university of florida. When we received the news, we were on a high speed train on the way back to paris and my whole life changed completely at that moment. I began to wonder if he would be disabled for life, brain damaged, etc, how I would possibly cope with my hero being reduced to that. A cold feeling came over me and it has never left me since that day.

6 years is enough to remove the acute pain of that specific moment, but I still wonder why the hell i feel so truly alone despite being around friends, family, new acquaintances. Then I realize that I was absolutely delusional to think that time would soothe the pain of loss. For me, if anything, time makes everything worse. At least 6 years ago he was still fresh in my memory, his smile, the way he talked. It's been so long without him that I just wish that I could remember him more. He was camera shy and for some reason we never took video of him in the years before he passed, only videos as a kid.

This is really a long term ordeal, and I will never be the same person I used to be. I can really identify with what Paul mentioned as a sort of quicksand that I'm in. I can move forward, but it takes so much MORE work, and my brain isn't so efficient anymore, my nerves are absolutely shot, my will isn't so strong anymore, and I just miss him to death and wish that I could see him again. I honestly feel like I have become elderly and crippled over the course of the past 6 years. My friends care about me, but they don't acknowledge the struggle that I continue to work through. It seems as if they just wanted me to get over it already so that I could get back to being their supportive buddy again but I can't. I simply don't speak to these friends anymore, as close as we were in highschool, because I'd rather start fresh with other friends than deal with people who aren't human enough to respect my grief and not demand ridiculous favors of me when I have enough trouble pulling myself through my own life.

I don't talk to my parents much about it because they have enough trouble dealing with the loss. Grief is an extremely lonely process, at least it has been for me. Nights are the absolute worst because we used to hang out together and watch tennis, Most extreme elimination challenge, or set up a LAN and play PC games (with one of those old 'switch' routers, networking wasn't so high tech yet and we didn't have DSL! Didn't need it with the good company of my older brother). Now, I simply can't get myself to do any of these things because they all remind me of him so much, even the new release of the Hobbit messed me up really bad because I could remember when we went to go see the first 3 movies 7 years ago. Sleep is such a luxury, I used to have prescriptions from my doc to just sedate myself, but I just got a tolerance to the pills eventually and couldn't sleep anyway so I kicked all the pills. I pull myself through the week and collapse when I get home friday night, sheer exhaustion is the only thing that works for me anymore. I feel a bit better having posted on here, I know that you guys can relate and I'm not alone, so I'm really grateful for all of you having posted your experiences and feelings. Thank you guys for simply being alive to share grief with me.

Wow! So well spoken! I could never put mine into words so well! Thank you for  being vulnerable 

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AmandaQ

I know this post is old but here I am. 

My brother would be 25 in 3 days. 

November 30th will be 6 years since his passing, I still feel as broken as I did when we first lost him.

There are so many what ifs that run through my head on a daily basis, I stay strong for my mom and my kids but I am slowly breaking into a million pieces. 

I've come to a point in my life where I just don't know what the point of living is and that sucks. 

Physically I am here but mentally I am broken, my mom acts like I don't care and my pain is nothing compared to how she feels. So I keep my head up and act like I'm doing ok, but suffer in silence.

I feel so empty like there is this void, my life is just on autopilot and I don't know what to do anymore. 

I hate having to leave the kids and work because again the "what it's" you know... Like will I die in an accident while commuting to work. Will something happen to the kids... And so on.

I just want to be happy but my thoughts overwhelm me, I've felt dead inside since the day I lost my brother.

There is never enough time in our lives. I wish I could talk to him one more time, see him and tell him how much he truly meant to me. 

 

I love you Kyle ❤️ forever 20

 

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I lost my elder brother 4 months ago to heart disease, I was speaking to him and he had a heart attack sadly we couldn’t save him nor could emergency services. He was 32 and I turned 31 not long after. We were so close, we spent everyday together. The hardest pain is watching my parents suffer. Shortly after his passing my father went downhill and had a fall which resulted in a brain bleed. He is already very unwell but eventually had surgery and it went well we just hope the bleed doesn’t recur. It has been a horrible year.
 

I don’t know how I’m going to live without my brother. I sometimes find peace in my dreams because I dream of him. I don’t enjoy life anymore and don’t think I ever will but I hope those out there can find some peace.

A prayer my brother loved,

God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference 

Miss you my Batman 

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