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Losses From Long Ago


jisaac140

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Here's the thing. About 8 or 9 years ago I lost my grandfather who helped raise me died when I was really little. I think it was six or seven. I can't remember the time frame except that it was three days before my birthday. People say I need to let go but I am not sure if I am even able to let go of him. It feels as if I do I'll forget him forever. I don't want to forget him at all. I can't really remember things we did and I feel so bad about that. He was there for me and I am never gonna be able to be there for him. He'll never be able to hug me like he did or even smile at me when I do something right and protect me like he did. I only remember the things he did for me as a child by the feeling but nothing else. I feel like a failure.

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Boozhoo Ahneeshnah =(Hello, How Are You)

Well... i am truely sorry for everyones loss, i have also been in the position of loseing someone i love.

I lost my grandpa a long time ago, and its still affecting me. he passed away November 13th 1991. i was only 5years old. he was 50years old.

in my eyes, my grandpa was more then just a man being a grandparent. he was a (best friend, hero, father figure and a play buddy) even though he could never do things as ours fathers or some of our grandpas can do. because he was in a car accident when my dad 15 years old. he was paralized from he neck down, he couldnt use his arms, fingers, legs!

and he would cry @ night thinking (i would give anything to have the use of my legs, i would work in a coal mine for a living, or shovel horse crap) and i know that might sound weird, but wouldnt you give that much if you were Paralized that long of a time?

and when the depression finally hit me i was in grade 3 and i was only 10years old. and my cousin was useing a drinking and driving example... and he rudely said (Jen isnt that how your grandpa ended up Paralized and showed the class how his fingers were) "my grandpa never drank and drive," he made the mistake getting in the car with someone who was, but he didnt know.

and when the depression kicked in, i tried several times to end my life. i thought "what kinda world are we living in, if someone is gonna mock me about my best friend?" so from then on, i tried everything i can to end my life. just to be with him again.

it wasnt until i was 18 and was carrying a baby, and i knew then "i have someone to love again" and surprisingly she was to be born on my grandpa's birthday Oct 31st and when my Cousin passed on, i went and asked her parents if i could name my daughter after her (because she was like a sister to me) and they told me "they were honored" .... from now on, i realized what i was doing was a mistake. And the whole reason worth living is my beautiful little girl. My Grandpa gave me that much, and so did my cousin Tasha. they gave me a chance to be loved and love someone as much as i loved them in return.

so my point really, is never give up hope on your loved one. because there always with you. and im Native American Indian (Powwows) LoL,... And i believe in spirits. i didnt at first, but my grandpa appeared to me. and now i know he is always with me. along with my (brother/sister/cousin/grandpaz/grandma/uncles) I Know deep down there always with me. and watching over Tasha. so please always think positive dont end up the way i did, Depression is a bad thing to keep for so long. they need to be let go and feel like your ok! .... so god bless everyone! and always think positive!

Mundaquance = (Pretty Girl)

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well it is valentine day and here I am things are getting better,I remember each year jerry used to take me out to applebees and we would have a wonderful time and the roses each year their was one for that year.Today i just sit and watch everyone enjoy,to see their actions and hear their happiness in their voices. happy valentines day to everyone.

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Hi all –

I’m sure you’ve noticed that the message boards seem a little different. We’ve streamlined the message boards. We’ve unified the forum and thread names and tried to make things less confusing. I hope that it has made things easier for you.

We are considering adding new threads to the topics and would love to hear what you would like to be added. You can write me at julie@beyondindigo.com to share your thoughts and suggestions. I would love to hear from you.

I am also still looking for message board monitors. If you are interested, please let me know!

Take care,

Julie

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paragatekeeper

Losses from long ago: I find this an appropriate subject heading at this time. I am presently searching for a counsellor, but am coming to the realization that there are no support groups in Ottawa, Ontario, just one main office who does not offer personalized counselling. I lost my mother in Jan 2000 from a thorasic anneurism and enlarged heart. It was a slow ardous passing that had profound emotional effects. My stepfather died in 1987 from degenerative heart disease and lung cancer right in front of me. 4pm. Oct. 10th. 1987. 10 days later, my cousin (my mother's sister's daughter 18 yrs) died from terminal childhood cancer within 3 weeks of getting it, leaving behind a 1 yr old daughter which I havn't seen since. Her father who was 19 at the time, left the baby with his parents who were not very well emotionally. I do not know where she is today, except in Montreal somewhere. And now my father is about to pass...but don't know when. I've noticed that he's losing his memory and is paranoid, but I can't do anything for him because he's alienated me from his place. My grandfather died 2 days ago in an old folks home from old age, and his cousins do not want anyone to attend the funeral in Montreal, P.Q. How ironic that the family system doesn't hold together when the opposite should happen. Thanks for listening.

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Paragatekeeper,

I am so sorry for your recent loss of your grandfather and the losses you have endured over the years. It is frustrating when you can't find the help you need in your community. While you are looking for a counselor, I hope you will continue to share with us here. Talking about your feelings really helps you heal.

Take care,

Julie

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paragatekeeper, i'm so sorry for all that you have gone thru and also for what lies ahead. i do hope you are able to find some sort of help. but for the time being, stay here with us. let all your feelings out. we are here to listen. we may not have all the answers but sometimes it just helps to get it out. we all are here at this site for related reasons. we all have felt pain or are feeling pain. we all are grieving. we can lean on each other for understanding and compassion. i do wish you the best. heather

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allmixedup

I just found this thread about losses from long ago, and was wondering if anyone else has found themselves reliving pain that they thought they had come through. My mother died when i was very young and my father a few years later, but it's only now in my mid-twenties that i'm starting to realise how much i've lost and hurt. Is this weird

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... Hello Everyone! Well its been so long since i have seen my grandpa, and grandma.. and they were the world and more to me. my gram's birthday is coming up October 10th, and so is my Grandpa's too October 31st.

... It still hurts me deep down, knowing they arent going to be around to watch there great-granddaughter grow up.

... My grandpa was paralized from the neck down, and couldnt do much, and cried every night saying *.. i would give anything to have the use of my legs* and i felt bad, and till this day. I never refuse to do something, because i am doing so for him. but the thought that he is gone and aint coming back for me. still bothers me! i dont know how to go about this. because the truth is, i still have a bad depression about him. and that isnt a way to raise a child.

Sincerely* Jenyfer

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Hello everyone. I am new to this forum so bear with me as I stumble around here. I am 58 years old. I lost my Dad when I was 14 and lost my Mom in July of 2002. I think it was hardest to lose my mother because of the bond we formed when Dad died. She had a very rare blood disease that started back in the 90s from long term exposure to formaldyhide. We dont know if it was from the walls and carpet in the mobile home they bought in 1978 or if she was exposed from handling meds for years of working as a psychiatric technician. None-the-less, it zapped her bone marrow. She was getting blood transfusions about every 4 to 6 weeks. It was torture for her.

She called me one day and was so excited I could barely make out what she was saying. She told me that the doctor from UCDavis called her to let her know there was a cure and it would consist of a series of shots. She was taking the shots and slowly getting her strength back.

On the fourth of July she called to let us know that she wouldn't be coming for the party we had planned because her leg was aching. That was the last time I talked to her. On July 7th I received a call from her mate to go up to the hospital because Mom was dying. She was in an induced coma to keep her from feeling the pain. She was hooked up to machines that were keeping her alive until mine and my sisters arrival. Somehow, an infection had gotten into her leg and caused rapid gasious gangrene that had already spread into her abdomen. We had to make the decision to have the life support removed, which we did. All of this has left me with so many unanswered questions because no one could tell us what it was that caused this infection in the first place. The pain has gotten no less. Her loss is as painful right now as it was on the day she died. She loved life so much. She loved me and my sister unconditionally and adored her grandchildren and gr grandchildren. She never stopped being beautiful to me and not a day goes by when I dont weep uncontrollably over the loss of this wonderful creation of one of Gods greatest works. Its effecting my health now and there doesn't seem to be anything anyone can do or say to make it better.

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I just found this thread about losses from long ago, and was wondering if anyone else has found themselves reliving pain that they thought they had come through. My mother died when i was very young and my father a few years later, but it's only now in my mid-twenties that i'm starting to realise how much i've lost and hurt. Is this weird

I sure can relate to you about it all seeming weird. It's been 17 years since my brother was murdered and I'm just starting to grieve now. I don't get it. The only explaination I can come up with that it was too painful to deal with then and maybe now I can. SOmedays it sure doesn't feel like it. It still hurts. Sniff, sniff. I feel like crying.

Just my thoughts,

Missy

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I am feeling overwhelmed today. I have a loss so horrifying that it is hard, even after these 40 whatever years, to get to the place of putting it to rest. I've been with the same therapist for almost five years and it has taken this long to build the trust necessary to expose my grief and sadness. We are just starting to dredge up these memories and impressions, and I think it just opens the door to a vaunerable and uncertain place. Recent losses and hardships are crowding my thinking and I'm not able, today, to find the resources to pull up before I crash.

My Aunt and her three daughters were killed by a drunk driver on the first day after school let out for summer vacation. My mother, thinking I don't know what, took me to her friend's home and left me. That family was having a wedding that night and I was left to sit in the TV room alone. The anchorman on the TV informed me that "four were killed". I would have been 12 years old in seven days. I was "taken along" to the wedding, left in a pew with strangers, with all this gaiety and happiness and joy swirling around me, and it was wrong, wrong, wrong. I became a ghost that night. The details that follow are so thick with horror and loss, I don't even think I can express them.

I feel so lost this moment, all grown up, having built a "successful" life, now 53 years old. There is this 12 year old little girl, forced to be a grown-up, and left alone in this nightmare for my lifetime. No one in my life has looked beyond the accommodating, generous face, to see the sadness in me. And if I did tell a portion of my story, it generally was glossed over because it was too hard to hear. It isn't like I don't understand. Who in their right mind would want to listen to a real life horror story? Fortunately, I'm finding that compassion with Dr. K, and I am finally free to explore the deep chasm this experience left on my heart.

My father, another tragic story of loss and abandonment, died on December 19, 2005 after 22 years in custodial care. I'm not done with grieving his loss, bittersweet and complicated.

My husband, a young 53, has a terminal, long-suffering disease, and is sick most all the time.

Friends, my plate is full right now, and I feel like pushing away from the table. Thanks for listening

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For mineralla- Bless your heart... You are a brave, brave soul and just stick with your therapist.... Take care of, and nurture that inner child. She loves you and will carry you through this, as you try to get around it. You will never be able to put it to rest, but I will pray for your new found hope, that once that is accepted, the rest of you life WILL have a purpose in it, besides sadness. I have found such a purpose here, helping the people at Beyond Indigo. My 25 year old son departed from here in June of 2004 and I miss him. You are an inspiration to all here, believe me. I love you and your courage. xoxoxomamabets

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Thank you for your words of support. I had a rough day today but by sharing and reaching out, it's been made better. I think I have the courage to look at it all again, feel the grief at long last, and retain my love for my lost ones. Your kind words are so appreciated. God bless you for giving.

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To Everyone here,

I know exactly what you all are going thru. When I was ten we had a house fire and my 5 year old brother was killed...I couldn't get to him in time. I lived with the guilt of that for 27 years...it hit me hard after I gave birth to daughter and came out in postpartum depression with sevre anxiety attacks, etc.....turns out it was all about my brothers death....post traumatic stress syndrome.....In 2004, my dad, mom and husband all passed away within six months of each other. There are days I can hardly breathe. I have been so absorved in my grieving for my husband that I haven't even had a chance to deal with my parents.....all very very sad....Sometimes, I wonder what this life is really about and why it has to be so hard when we work so hard at trying to do good and make this world a better place....somethings we will never know....I go on for my 3 kids and I am trying the best I can to be a role model for them. They see me grieve and I know it is hard for them but hopefully I am teaching them it is o.k. All I can be is honest. My daughter still after 2 years can not speak of her loss of her beautiful dad and our 16 is angry as hell right now...our 20 year old is regrouping and I know he is depressed but (lost 32 lbs) slowing is rising up. I think it is all just to much for to long and way to painful sometimes for kids to deal with....they will when their psychic is ready to support them. Just like me with my brothers death....it took a long time and I also needed to build trust which took time. I always tell my kids do not juddge a book by it cover because we never know behind the face what a person goes thru in their lives.....Just know we are strong and each day we get stronger....It is o.k. to cry. I have cried so much I must be totaly dehydrated. Bless you all! Your not alone!

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Dear Lauraa,

Today I am having a rough day myself. Although my story is different then yours I still grieve for my brother.

Hugs laura! Hope things work out for you.

missy

To Everyone here,

I know exactly what you all are going thru. When I was ten we had a house fire and my 5 year old brother was killed...I couldn't get to him in time. I lived with the guilt of that for 27 years...it hit me hard after I gave birth to daughter and came out in postpartum depression with sevre anxiety attacks, etc.....turns out it was all about my brothers death....post traumatic stress syndrome.....In 2004, my dad, mom and husband all passed away within six months of each other. There are days I can hardly breathe. I have been so absorved in my grieving for my husband that I haven't even had a chance to deal with my parents.....all very very sad....Sometimes, I wonder what this life is really about and why it has to be so hard when we work so hard at trying to do good and make this world a better place....somethings we will never know....I go on for my 3 kids and I am trying the best I can to be a role model for them. They see me grieve and I know it is hard for them but hopefully I am teaching them it is o.k. All I can be is honest. My daughter still after 2 years can not speak of her loss of her beautiful dad and our 16 is angry as hell right now...our 20 year old is regrouping and I know he is depressed but (lost 32 lbs) slowing is rising up. I think it is all just to much for to long and way to painful sometimes for kids to deal with....they will when their psychic is ready to support them. Just like me with my brothers death....it took a long time and I also needed to build trust which took time. I always tell my kids do not juddge a book by it cover because we never know behind the face what a person goes thru in their lives.....Just know we are strong and each day we get stronger....It is o.k. to cry. I have cried so much I must be totaly dehydrated. Bless you all! Your not alone!

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alwaysmyjennifer

Missy, grief is part of our process of healing from the loss of a loved one. For you, it's been 17 years since you lost your brother. My 21 year old daughter was raped and murdered in '96. Until last year, I didn't even know she was my daughter. The pain of loss is still very real, and very painful. This is your time of healing, your time of gaining your personal direction in life, your time to question. It's your journey, and only you can choose the paths and questions. We're all here to help you in your journey, and to comfort you along the way. My prayers are with you and your children. May you find peace and healing.

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Missy,

You hang in there sweet heart.....you will always miss your brother....always! You will see him again when it is your time but until then you have alot to do.....I will hold you in my prayers....Keep writing and get the support you need. I know how bad it feels and can get. Bless you!

Mark,

You my friend, knows exactly how hard life can be. You are a role model for me and everyone here.....Hang in there and know you, Mary and your entire family are in my thoughts daily!

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Sorry I haven't been on awhile. I just want to say thank you for all the compassion I feel since I've joined. I appreciate all your words of encouragement and support. It warms my heart.

My life has been soooooo busy as of late and this is why my posts came to a halt for awhile. Well my brothers anniversary death date was difficult. I had to work and I was very emotional. My co-workers and customers thought I was acting strange. Yes, I was. I did however learn something very valuable and that was to take time off work on that date in the future.

Something interesting happened which brought me to tears. My sister his twin had she is not sure if it was a dream but my brother came to her with a message for her, my younger sister, mom and me. Telling each of us he loved us and was proud of us. I don't know if anyone here believes in life after death ...I do...anyways, he said he has been there for the birth of my last two children. He is proud of me. I'm crying as I share this with you. Gosh, I miss him.

Well, I hope life is treating you all kindly,

Christine

P.S. Thank you lauraa and alwaysmyjennifer for your kind words and prayers. I believe prayers can work miracles :)

Missy,

You hang in there sweet heart.....you will always miss your brother....always! You will see him again when it is your time but until then you have alot to do.....I will hold you in my prayers....Keep writing and get the support you need. I know how bad it feels and can get. Bless you!

Mark,

You my friend, knows exactly how hard life can be. You are a role model for me and everyone here.....Hang in there and know you, Mary and your entire family are in my thoughts daily!

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HI i lost my aunt she was 83 about 2 weeks ago, i am at peace because i know she lived a full life yes we miss her but im sure she is in a better place .

Peace be unto you all also!

robert

www.spiritlessons.com

www.newlife.com

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I lost my dad, michael 14 years ago to a massive heart attack and the anniversary of his death will be next month (july 12). He died when i was quite young, 14 years old (all the 14's!) but i didn't go to his funeral.Even though i was young, i feel guilty for not going there to say my last goodbyes. I keep his memory alive by listening to music he loved (the band 'Yes' and Neil Young etc) and talking to his picture. His death was very sudden, my step mum tried to tell me, but i already sensed he was gone. i lived with my real mum at the time, so my step mum had to call down and see me by car.

He was very tall 6ft, and a person who knew himself 'inside out, back to front and upside down' according to my family. I learnt a lot things from him, like looking after number 1, ie, myself and his non-fussy attitude to things in life. the pain has eased a lot, but i feel guilty for sometimes 'forgetting' him, or confused that i don't feel intense grief as i've moved on now. I love my dad immensly, so i guess, on the other side of the coin with the death of my mum, i still have really strong grief feelings for her, and it's brought out weird feelings for my dad.

sue

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SueLowe, I just lost my mother 6 weeks ago, my father 5 yrs. ago. Although I loved them equally, my fathers passing was easier (like your father) For me I thought at least I had the one parent left to support each other. When my mother died it's like losing all support and all connections are now final. So, like you, I begin to grieve my father again. I think sometimes we want to be like kids again and get our parents support like when we were kids. The older I get, ( I'm 51) the more I miss them around, to help me face these new challenges. I think now we have to think about our children or siblings and how they will see us after death. I don't want my family to suffer like I have. I believe your father would understand, usually parents are good at forgiving their kids because they practiced at it, almost everyday.

I hope you find peace!

Denise

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alwaysmyjennifer

SueLowe, I'm sorry you lost your dad, and that you have these painful issues about it. When you were only 14, there were reasons you did or didn't do things, like visit a funeral home or cemetery. For a child, this is very painful. I'm a dad who lost my daughter ten years ago on May 22. As a dad, I think there are a few typical "dad" feelings, like understanding that our children can't do certain things, because of the emotions involved. I believe your dad loves you just as much, even more, and would never have asked you to go through that day any other way. It was painful enough for you, so he'd never ask you to hurt more, even at his memorial. For me, I carry many painful memories about Jennifer's life, and her death. I have her "personal effects" from the night she was killed. Although there are painful memories in them, there is also comfort. I hope your dad gave you keepsakes or something to cherish, and that these, even though they bring painful memories, also bring comfort and happiness in remembering the great man your dad was in this life. When you wrote of these bands, you really got my attention. I'm in music professionally, and have met them, including Neil (I'm Canadian). More on that some other time. I'll pray for you, that you may have what you need. Mark

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alwaysmyjennifer, i think what you've said, i totally agree with. my step mum gave me a medal that my dad got while he was in the army, and i lost it sometime ago. i haven't said anything about it as it's too painful to mention to them. i smiled when i read your connections with music. whenever i hear Yes, without fail my mind goes straight to my dad. he used to play them over and over, and he played both accoustic/electric guitar. Wondrous Stories is one of my favourite songs.

my step mum took photos of my dad in his casket (or coffin) and surprisingly it brought comfort to me when i had major surgery the same year. i don't have the photos with me now, but i have a really good photo of him smiling with his guitar. we (me and the family) all got a ring each that was bought in memory of him and i still wear mmine now. i just hope these feelings subside somehow and he's able to forgive me. i know time does move on, but it's kind of trying to accept that i've moved on from hurting with losing my dad, and the feelings for my mum are quite strong. Grrrr! can't win can i??

You sound like a caring person to talk (or type) to, god bless you. thank you for continuing to talk to me and others.

i'll pray for you too

sue

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jdenise4, you're very right. i didn't think i'd lose both my parents, but as a child at the time, like mark said emotions were very strong and i felt like part of me had gone with him. thinking of it now, i actually didn't have 'time' to grieve for my dad because i had extreme changes that same year that were out of my control. i suppose there's feelings of guilt now that my mum has gone, so i'm more aware of grief now, and i'm thinking 'i feel there's unfinished grieving over my dad, i've grown up a lot since his death, yet i've lost my mum and i'm grieving like crazy over her'. it's quite scary actually. i think it's because i didn't get to see much of my dad, much as i loved the absolute bones of him and still do, but i had a close relationship with my mum during my childhood. Sorry for going on here, but as it typed a lot of thoughts came back to me. i had a very mixed childhood, and i guess that's why i'm rambling on as i try to explain. but that's what the situation for me is right now as i go through it.

warm thoughts

sue x

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Surviving a Heart Attack (just read)

This one is definitely worth your minute: I suffered a heart attack recently and I did one thing that brought almost immediate relief.

With all my strength I tried to stretch my body and overcome the bending position one is forced to when suffering a heart attack.

I put myself in supine position, put my STRETCHED ARMS TO THE SIDES at slightly greater tha right angle and stopped tossing and turning and moving my fingers, which I thought was the best way to REDUCE ADRENALINE – the main culprit of a HA. I felt almost immediate improvement in the depth of my breath, the pain the muscle cramp started receding. After 15 minutes I was able to stand up.

Putting arms to the sides looks to make the chest and muscles inside it expand and that streches the cramped heart muscle (like soccer players stretch their cramped calf by bending the foot to the maximum, just raise your arms above the head level and you can see it does make the chest expand). Staying totally motionless seems to induce a state of maximum relaxation of the body (which reduces adrenaline.) and muscles (including the heart muscle).

Please try using this technique when facing death. It can really help you and your relatives survive a heart attack.

Greetings

Peter

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CHRISTINE,,HELLO...YES I BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH..OUR BODY DIES BUT HE SPIRIT LIVES ON...I TRUELY BELIEVE YOUR BROTHER WAS VISITING YOU IN YOUR DREAMS!!THEY LEAVE ALL KINDS OF SIGNS LETTING US KNOW THEY ARE NEAR..WHAT DID HE

LIKE..LOOK FOR SIGNS ABOUT THAT..NO ONE CAN TAKE AWAY THE PAIN OF LOSING SOMEONE BUT...YOU CAN FIND JOY.......IN KNOWING YOU WILL SEE YOUR BROTHER AGAIN AND UNTIL THEN HE WILL BE WATCHING OVER YOU AND YOUR FAMILY

GODS BLESSINGS

MESSENGER

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Just want to share my story. My father died 21 years ago on October 20, 1985. He died very suddenly at the age of 48 of a massive heart attack on my confirmation day, I was thirteen years old.

I was married in Sept.'05 and as wonderful and joyous as it was, it was still painful as I longed for him to walk me down the aisle. So many events in my life I wish he had witnessed; my first prom, graduation day, my becoming successful in my work, catching a 24 inch pike a month ago, and of course, my wedding day. My dad and I shared a tight bond when I was a kid. I was a tomboy, because I knew he had always wanted a boy, but he got two girls! We used to sit together every night and watch the Benny Hill show and laugh... I even watched boxing with him on occasion. His favorite was Ray 'Boom Boom' Mancini.

After 21 years, there is still a huge void in my life. Some days are certainly easier than others, but he is always on my mind, every day. I haven't been to his gravesite in about a year, though I know deep in my heart that he's really not there anyway. I know he looks after me and that his spirit is still very much alive. He visits me in my dreams sometimes to say 'hello'. I know he definitely played a part in me catching that pike a month ago! Thanks Dad. It made for some great chowder.

I'm not sure what the word 'recovery' means. There is no recovery, only healing. It's sort of like an open wound that is forever in healing, and time passes and you just get used to the pain.

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alwaysmyjennifer

Jenniferl, I'm sorry you lost your beloved dad. A father and daughter can become very close. I lost my Jennifer on May 22, 1996, at the age of 21. She was born when I was 13. Not an hour passes without me missing her so very much. Recovery? Maybe not as much as healing. But, healing takes its sweet time. With time, Jennifer, you'll feel a little less of the pain, and more peace. Step by step. Perhaps there's a reason you haven't been able to visit his gravesite lately. We all go through episodes of varying emotions, like anger or emotional numbness, or depression. These are part of the progression of our healing. This is part of the course, and we feel the course of it as we go through the daily routines of grieving. Congratulations on catching that fish! This is quite an accomplishment, and I know your dad was sitting beside you while you reeled that one in. Be proud of it, and of yourself. Most, be proud of who you are, the little girl who got to be raised by such a great guy.

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my mum died 9 years ago. and i feel more upset and loss now than i ever did then. it never gets better, it never goes, we just have to learn to adapt to it. my boyfriend tells me whenever i get upset about her that he thinks its nice that it still touches me like that. that i still love her and miss her so much that the slightest thought of her can bring me to tears..in a way, i take comfort in that. thoughts to everyone x x x x

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My son's father was kidnapped and murdered 14 years ago. Sometimes it seems like everything is gonna be ok, then sometimes it seems like it's not! People tell you, oh it will get easier, but it doesn't. Our son is now 15 years old and he has had a difficult time dealing with the fact that his father was murdered. He has so much anger built up. And sometimes I just don't know what to do. His dad died the week before e turned 1, so he didn't have that time to really bond with him. But it's like apart of him is missing. I understand that part because I feel the same way. His dad was my heart & my life. I still feel incomplete. I've been married before, but it didn't last. My ex-husband would always ell me if my sons father was still here, he(my ex-husband) would'nt be in the picture. H was right. It's just hard sometimes because I don't have anyone to talk to about it or how I feel. I don't wanna die alone, but how do you let go so that you can truly love someoone else?

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You will surely be in my prayers. You gotta trust God. He is able to heal you where you hurt. I've come to realize that sometimes you never get over the death of a loved one! God just helps you to live with the loss. You be encouraged. Put your hands in God's hand!

I am feeling overwhelmed today. I have a loss so horrifying that it is hard, even after these 40 whatever years, to get to the place of putting it to rest. I've been with the same therapist for almost five years and it has taken this long to build the trust necessary to expose my grief and sadness. We are just starting to dredge up these memories and impressions, and I think it just opens the door to a vaunerable and uncertain place. Recent losses and hardships are crowding my thinking and I'm not able, today, to find the resources to pull up before I crash.

My Aunt and her three daughters were killed by a drunk driver on the first day after school let out for summer vacation. My mother, thinking I don't know what, took me to her friend's home and left me. That family was having a wedding that night and I was left to sit in the TV room alone. The anchorman on the TV informed me that "four were killed". I would have been 12 years old in seven days. I was "taken along" to the wedding, left in a pew with strangers, with all this gaiety and happiness and joy swirling around me, and it was wrong, wrong, wrong. I became a ghost that night. The details that follow are so thick with horror and loss, I don't even think I can express them.

I feel so lost this moment, all grown up, having built a "successful" life, now 53 years old. There is this 12 year old little girl, forced to be a grown-up, and left alone in this nightmare for my lifetime. No one in my life has looked beyond the accommodating, generous face, to see the sadness in me. And if I did tell a portion of my story, it generally was glossed over because it was too hard to hear. It isn't like I don't understand. Who in their right mind would want to listen to a real life horror story? Fortunately, I'm finding that compassion with Dr. K, and I am finally free to explore the deep chasm this experience left on my heart.

My father, another tragic story of loss and abandonment, died on December 19, 2005 after 22 years in custodial care. I'm not done with grieving his loss, bittersweet and complicated.

My husband, a young 53, has a terminal, long-suffering disease, and is sick most all the time.

Friends, my plate is full right now, and I feel like pushing away from the table. Thanks for listening

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You will surely be in my prayers. You gotta trust God. He is able to heal you where you hurt. I've come to realize that sometimes you never get over the death of a loved one! God just helps you to live with the loss. You be encouraged. Put your hands in God's hand!

I am feeling overwhelmed today. I have a loss so horrifying that it is hard, even after these 40 whatever years, to get to the place of putting it to rest. I've been with the same therapist for almost five years and it has taken this long to build the trust necessary to expose my grief and sadness. We are just starting to dredge up these memories and impressions, and I think it just opens the door to a vaunerable and uncertain place. Recent losses and hardships are crowding my thinking and I'm not able, today, to find the resources to pull up before I crash.

My Aunt and her three daughters were killed by a drunk driver on the first day after school let out for summer vacation. My mother, thinking I don't know what, took me to her friend's home and left me. That family was having a wedding that night and I was left to sit in the TV room alone. The anchorman on the TV informed me that "four were killed". I would have been 12 years old in seven days. I was "taken along" to the wedding, left in a pew with strangers, with all this gaiety and happiness and joy swirling around me, and it was wrong, wrong, wrong. I became a ghost that night. The details that follow are so thick with horror and loss, I don't even think I can express them.

I feel so lost this moment, all grown up, having built a "successful" life, now 53 years old. There is this 12 year old little girl, forced to be a grown-up, and left alone in this nightmare for my lifetime. No one in my life has looked beyond the accommodating, generous face, to see the sadness in me. And if I did tell a portion of my story, it generally was glossed over because it was too hard to hear. It isn't like I don't understand. Who in their right mind would want to listen to a real life horror story? Fortunately, I'm finding that compassion with Dr. K, and I am finally free to explore the deep chasm this experience left on my heart.

My father, another tragic story of loss and abandonment, died on December 19, 2005 after 22 years in custodial care. I'm not done with grieving his loss, bittersweet and complicated.

My husband, a young 53, has a terminal, long-suffering disease, and is sick most all the time.

Friends, my plate is full right now, and I feel like pushing away from the table. Thanks for listening

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I lost my grandmother/mother 4 years ago due to throat and jaw cancer. The overall scenario surrounding her death was very complicated, but the thing I'm struggling with now is accepting the fact that she is actually gone because I did not get to see her body after her death. As I am doing my research for a possible career in Funeral Directing (not only due to my own losses but wanting a job to bring comfort to those in their greatest time of need and more reasons) I am seeing the value in the body being embalmed for the family to help put closer on the death, even if the body is to be cremated. My mom was embalmed and for that I am greatful for that chance to have said good-bye but does anyone have any ideas on how to let go now and does any one also have any thoughts regarding viewing the body one last time, does that truly help with saying good-bye.

By the way my name is belindacharlette

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Belinda,

I so agree that viewing the body helps with acceptance of death. If someone is to be cremated, I think the family still needs to view the body before cremation. This past year, a very dear Aunt of mine passed and she didn't want an open casket but her children allowed close family members to say their goodbyes before the casket was closed! I am so greatful that they did that! As for forever grieving, I lost my mother almost 11 years ago and I still can't go to her grave without bawling! I want to scoop up the grass and soil and take it home with me. Actually, I really want to dig her up just to see her one more time! I do think I would be very disappointed so I don't go there! LOL But I do understand the pain. Religious people can talk about the love of God, salvation and all of that until they are blue in the face, but when you are aching from the pain from the lose of your Mom/Grandmother or anyone else that made you feel loved, well that is just called grieving! My only concern for you is that your grieving can lead you into major depressiom. Been there! Just feel like you are alone!

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Belinda,

I so agree that viewing the body helps with acceptance of death. If someone is to be cremated, I think the family still needs to view the body before cremation. This past year, a very dear Aunt of mine passed and she didn't want an open casket but her children allowed close family members to say their goodbyes before the casket was closed! I am so greatful that they did that! As for forever grieving, I lost my mother almost 11 years ago and I still can't go to her grave without bawling! I want to scoop up the grass and soil and take it home with me. Actually, I really want to dig her up just to see her one more time! I do think I would be very disappointed so I don't go there! LOL But I do understand the pain. Religious people can talk about the love of God, salvation and all of that until they are blue in the face, but when you are aching from the pain from the lose of your Mom/Grandmother or anyone else that made you feel loved, well that is just called grieving! My only concern for you is that your grieving can lead you into major depressiom. Been there! Just feel like you are alone!

This may be true, that viewing the body helps with grief, but I felt it was completely distasteful to be playing children's songs at my step-daughter's funeral. It was completely unbearable. And now everytime I hear "She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes" I sob. Maybe that's insensitive of me but I can't help that's how I feel, that they were trying to make her funeral into a circus rather than a respectable way to mourn for her.

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well it is valentine day and here I am things are getting better,I remember each year jerry used to take me out to applebees and we would have a wonderful time and the roses each year their was one for that year.Today i just sit and watch everyone enjoy,to see their actions and hear their happiness in their voices. happy valentines day to everyone.

I am glad that you can enjoy Valentine's Day. Our little girl was dying on Valentine's Day and held on till 15 minutes after V-Day. It'll be two years this February, and we still are unable to celebrate Valentine's Day. Hopefully this will get easier with time, but it sure doesn't seem that way.

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4everjoeysmom

Guest from post 44132, being "religious", believing in God and His salvation, and being blue in the face do not change the fact that when someone so special dies, we grieve. My son died; My baby; My precious child that taught me how to love unconditionally; My hopes and dreams of watching him grow and have a wonderful life; A part of me. I believe that God is, and I believe I will see my son agaon for all eternity. But I hurt like living hell here. Believing brings healing and hope, but it doesn't erase my grief.

I couldn't bring myself to view my son's body before he was cremated. I feared having nightmares for the rest of my life about that "last look". He was mangled by a freight train. I couldn't bear to see that. He wa sno longer in that vessel. How I wish I could have kissed his face and held his hand one last time...to say goodbye proper.

For LeAnn's mommy, I'm sorry to hear the viewing/funeral of your preciosu little girl was so unbearable and circus-like to you. Most of the time when anyone is in the face of planning services, they are numb. Not to make excuses, but people aren't in their right mind enough when they don't have mental issues. And it sounds like there were some mental issues involved (based on your "don't call me mom anymore comment about LeAnn's birth mother). So, though it was a horrendous affair with the music and all, consider the source. I agree it was distasteful, and I'm so sorry that was the way you had to experience saying good-bye.

Ventines Day is hard... Every Day is hard when you grieve the one you loved... I hope and pray peace will find us all...

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ladyhitchhiker
I couldn't bring myself to view my son's body before he was cremated. I feared having nightmares for the rest of my life about that "last look". He was mangled by a freight train. I couldn't bear to see that. He was no longer in that vessel. How I wish I could have kissed his face and held his hand one last time...to say goodbye proper.

I am very sorry for your loss. I don't blame you at all for not looking. Not to make your grief any less, but, I myself - even though they made LeAnn look like herself - am plagued by zombie dreams, and my husband is plagued by dreams where she keeps telling him that she is coming for him soon and that she misses him and loves him. I told him quite adamantly that he's not allowed to go anywhere for a long time, because it wouldn't be fair. *little smile* Well it wouldn't! As again about the viewing, I do wish I could have gone to my grandfather's funeral - he lived in Florida, I'm in Michigan- but we didnt' have enough money for everyone to go to the funeral. Just my sis and dad. As it is, it has been 12 years, and I am just now finally "realizing" that he is truly gone. Not coming back. I guess after 12 years your brain even realizes matters that shouldn't seem real. Of course, for you the grief is different, as you saw your baby every day, and my grief for others even is different than I had for Papa.

As for believing in God and celebrating in God, I find it extremely difficult these last years not being angry. Still and hopefully not always I am angry. (S)he took away my first cat, my step-daughter and my father-in-law and my grandmother in less than a span of a year. It seems as soon as I'd begin to recover a little bit, something else would be taken away from me. How are you being able to reinstate your relationship with God? The only thing I can figure is that God took her then because otherwise something really bad was going to happen to her later if he didn't. That is my only consolation.

Oh and back to dreams, I dreamed the other day that I had to go back in time - like the quantum leap thing almost - and find little things I had to change so that way we could change things in the present, and I saw her, but she didn't know it was me, and I was trying to leave messages so that she could be saved, but that wouldn't make sense in this life, would it? She died of meningitis; it wouldn't be like with your little boy, who you could've just said, "Hey.. now no going anywhere near the trains today" or something else like that.

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4everjoeysmom

Hi Ladyhitchhiker-- Thanks so much for your kind words.

I am able to "reinstate" my relationship with God because I never abandoned it. I was angry with Him, but I know I still need Him in my life. A life and an eternal life separated from God would be literal hell. His grace covers me all the time, even when I think I don't want it. In another thread I shared a Scripture from Romans where it says nothing can separate us (believers) from the love of God. The "nothing" encompasses the powerful impact and irratic behaviors resulting from loss and grief. I truly believe God loves me. He didn't take Joey to hurt me. He wants me to grow. Like you said, maybe there would be something more horrible down the road that LeAnn would have faced... and she was spared now to be with God forever. I have thought that about my Joey, like maybe he would have fallen away from God resulting in eternal separation from God. That is a very scary thought for me. So if that were the only reason Joey was taken, it would be enough for me to know God's will is best. In our case, Joey's brother and dad both became believers as a result of Joey's death. So out of Joey's death came some very awesome reminders of God's grace. I figure it's hard for some to grasp this in their pain... but God is who He says He is. He has proven it time and again to me. I just can't saty mad at Him. But I still hurt.......

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4everjoeysmom

P.s. Very interesting dreams... I wish I could have one dream of Joey. I had a few bad ones in the beginning (with trains)... Nothing so far, but hoping...

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My beloved best friend, lover, soulmate died in my arms from a heart attack four years ago this month. I can't believe the pain I still feel. Today, I am so angry with him because he didn't tell me how he was feeling when he went to bed. At 4:45 a.m. he woke me up to help me get him to his nebulizer, and five minutes later he told me he was ready to go back to bed. I sat him on the edge of the bed and told him I was calling 911....he touched me and said "I love you" and that was it. He must have known he was dying.......why, why, why, didn't he tell me at least I could have said my "goodbye" to him. I still miss him so much. We had been together for 46 years....we met when I was 15. Why amd I soooooo angry now.

I just want to scream or punch something. I have been seeing a therapist all this time but something just isn't happening. This doc is very nice but I don't feel any more alive than I did. I thought I was starting to a few ago but that is now gone. HELP!!!!!

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4everjoeysmom

Grammy2, I noticed your post, and while I lost my son and cannot quite 100% relate, I can feel your pain and am so very sorry. I have met some ladues that post often on the Loss of a partner--I miss him so... and they are very, very compassionate and loving ladies to walk this journey with. They know what it feels like to lose a soulmate, their best friend. And I think you may find some friends there that you will be happy to know. I'm so sorry for your loss and pain. None of us knows how to do this when we lose someone we love, but we find hope and strength in walking with others who understand while we muddle through. Hugs, Claudia

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Good Afternoon,

Beyond Indigo is undergoing a redesign and upgrade. We have been working on this project for many months now and have a few more updates to make before it will go live. One of these updates or new features is an e-card program. People will be able to send out I am thinking of you cards, birthdays, anniversary of the loss cards, etc. We are looking for people to submit e-cards they have created to be included in this program. We do have the ability to send out the cards with a watermark on them. The artist would retain the copyright unless we purchased the e-card or it was given to us freely. If you have some e-cards you have created and want them to be considered please email them to Kelly@beyondindigo.com.

Thanks!

Kelly Baltzell, MA

President

Beyond Indigo

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Hi, I apologise for changing the subject (thank you Kelly for the news about the Beyond Indigo redesigns and upgrades, i look forward to seeing what's what!), but if it's ok, i'd like to talk about something that's on my mind. In 1993, me and my mum went through radical changes, i won't say what happened in detail but basically we got separated due to me going into hospital for spinal surgery then my mum ended up in hospital then a nursing home after being told she couldn't look after herself properly.

Anyway, we had a lot of ups and downs (probably more downs than ups) and i was pleased to get away from the house because of the bad memories in there. I didn't have any control over what happened to me around the time of the move, because one minute i was in the house with my mum, the next i was in hospital trying to take everything in.

Looking back now, i didn't have the chance to say goodbye to everyone or prepare for leaving the house. A couple of nights ago i was feeling quite nostalgic cos i suddenly left the house, my mum was still in it, everything happened so fast. I just feel quite sad that i left it all those years ago. I actually don't remember what happened in between being in the house and going to hospital. My mind's a blank! My dad died in July and i had my surgery in September, all in 1993. I've been back to house a few times just to look and relive memories, but i just feel sad that i haven't said 'goodbye' to it, and have it as just a memory. I was thinking of going down there, to have it as a place to go if i wanted comfort.

sorry for going on, just wanted to talk about it. Does anybody have any suggestions as to how i can give it a 'send off' in my mind for me? Does that make any sense??

Thanks

Sue

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For suelowe~ I am sorry that you feel as if you haven't said goodbye to certain areas of your life, and I do understand...When my 25 son traveled to the other side in June of 2004, there were no goodbyes from me!! I clearly knew from the beginning, and still do feel this way, that he and our memories would always be with me and that there is no such thing as a goodbye...Just a "See you later". Many experience downs more than ups when such sadness is involved, I am afraid... I try to focus on the ups these days, and fortunately there were, and are not, any regrets with Danny. We "danced the perfect life dance" as he entered into his eternity, and I have inherited more wisdom from him, than he ever had from me. Please be gentle with yourself and try, if you can, to create a sweet memory place in your heart. Visit it often, and know that you are very special. Maybe take some packets of flower seeds and sprinkle them somewhere around the house..Water, wait, and watch for them bloom...

LOVE,

mamabets

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Mamabets, thank you so much for what you've said about my mum's house. i've worked out that i have very mixed feelings about the house. i've been past it a couple of times, there's lots of changes. Another family are living there now, apparently not very nice people either (which saddens me cos they might be wrecking the place). There used to be brown and red bricks at the front, along with a small garden. Now they've been replaced with a posh driveway and the house has been painted white.

The idea of sprinkling flower seeds around the house sounds very sweet. The only problem is, the house is adjoining to other houses (semi-detached i think its called!) so i want to be careful about planting the seeds near the house where the neighbours can see. I'm quite a private person, so things like this can mean a lot. I'm just concerned of these people (plus others) ruining the plant, so i was thinking of planting them in a nearby park and personalising the plant with the house number to make it special, cos there's a park down the road from the house and i used to play there a lot on my bike or walking around with my mum. Tears are in my eyes thinking of it!

I was actually scared of having memories of the house in the first place cos there's a lot of negative ones, but there are good ones too. I feel a loss for the house with not saying goodbye or 'see you later' (i prefer that one!), i feel yuck for the bad memories there, i also feel love for the house because of the good memories, but the hardest one for me is that i feel violated because those horrible people are in there now and i can't do anything about it. Times have moved on but i still feel violated by them. It's like they've suddenly taken that special connection away, they've 'hopped' in there probably not knowing the history.

Ohhh my. Yes, i think i'll go visit the park and plant some seeds. Thank you so very much for that idea it means a lot.

God bless you (and others)

Sue x

I used to be sc

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Dear Sue,

You might try blessing the house, and even the seemingly horrible people that live there now...

Not that you're too happy about it all, but perhaps if you give it a little blessing, that energy will have to come back to you, and bring with it understanding of what it's purpose was in your life. Also, more of the positive memories will emerge.....Remember, just a small candle lights the darkest night.

You have much to offer to others....Have confidence in yourself and inner guidance...

well-being, stability & joy,

Gramma Martha

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