Does grief depend on the age when you lost your loved one or how the loss happened?

[Anamika]

I know, a loss is a loss regardless and nothing can ever heal or replace the loss of a loved one.Still I was wondering if the grief is more when the death was untimely and unexpected.

I lost my father when he was only 69. He was completely healthy, no meds, physically active and still we had lose him to a lung infection. His death was unexpected, sudden and untimely. I think while I would still be devastated and heart broken, I would have had better ways to deal with it had he lived up to his 80's. I would have thought he lived a full life, might have been able to travel more and enjoy life (He and my mom had just started to live their life, finally after me and sister were married off and kind of settled. They never did anything for their own enjoyment or comfort before. They literally lived for us.). My 2 year old daughter might have been able to know the wonderful person my father was. And he might have been able to see other grandkids, if me or my sister had another child.

Also me and my sister stay SO far away from home. Either of us would have moved back home or closer to home in another 6-10 years, so my mother would have had some support. My mother (she is only 60) would have had her soulmate, her love, her valentine more closer to her own life expectancy. I know you never know with life but I am just saying assuming the best and general situation.

So I think that while grief WILL always be there and WILL always hurt, I think our minds would have been a bit more at ease when the deaths are natural and at an expected age. Also a friend of mine told me that death is more devastating when it happens to a totally healthy & active person, all on a sudden. You would have had no time to say good byes or do things for them. It takes you by total shoch and catches you offguard. If they were suffering for a long time, you may wish for their own peace and comfort, that they suffer no more. Having said that I also dont ever want my parents to suffer, if God willing.

Just wanted to put the thought out there and know what everyone thinks. Don't you think life is more unfair when death happens to the relatively young versus really old? Doesn't that make an impact on how we perceive the death? Don't our hearts break when we see our 60 or 50-something parent passes away and see our friend's parents in 80's going strong and being there for them? Knowing our parent could have lived for a little longer and he has lots of years still left?

What does everyone think?

Thanks for listening.

[karebear]

I think death is hard no matter the age. My dad passed away this year at 62 years (had his birthday 10 days before he died). My dad hadn't had much of a life for over 10 years. He and my mom couldn't do a lot because of their conditions. My dad left my mom, who has had MS for 47 years and was dependant on him for everything a widow at 61. My dad suffered at the end of his life and he knew he would die, he had asbestosis from a workplace injury and his death, although expected took over 14 hours of slow suffercation, a very difficult death to watch or go through. I think everyone including my dad prayed for a quick death to end it all, but it wasn't to be. We had the chance to say goodbye but that doesn't make letting go or greiving any easier, in some ways it can make it harder. There isn't a day that I am not thinking about his suffering in that room begging for more air.

I wish I had my dad at the end while he was healthy and that we could have done so many things together. In my opinion I don't think you can make death at any age any more fair than another. It hurts and one hurt is no less or easier than another.

I think it helps to be thankful we had them in our lives for as long as we did. My sister lost her first husband and father of their 2 boys when she was 25 and he was 26. My mom doesn't hurt any less than her because my dad was older or unhealthy. I think you have to change your focus and think about how grateful you can be that your father lived to 69 and not 26, that he was healthy and didn't suffer a debilitating disease for many years before dying. In other words, count your blessings instead of comparing your grief and loss to others. I don't mean to be harsh but I don't think I could answer this honestly any other way.

[Anamika]

karebear - Thanks so much for your response. I so appreciate it. I think you are so right in everything you said. Death is hard no matter, what. It's just that when you loss a loved one, you go through mixed feelings and emotions. It will take a while to clear up your mind. You will go through shock, disbelief, self-pity, sorry, sadness, grief, anger....I am going through such a phase. and then I eventually grow out of the emotion that occupied me for a while. For example, few days after my dad died, my heart ached when I saw my friends with their elderly but healthy fathers. Then I overcame that feeling. There was a time that I was so angry at God for the fate he brought to us. I know we should count our blessings but it takes a while to get there. :-( At least for me. I am going through a phase of, like you said, comparing, evaluating, analyzing, weighing the loss in my life - I know I shouldn't but instead look at my blessings, just like you said. But I think what's helping me now is to go through this phase of having lot of questions, hearing from people like you which helps calm and clear my mind. I just need to hear it from someone sometimes, just like you helped me with. Thank you so much.

I am so sorry for your loss. What's MS? Sorry, I do not know. I was thinking death at 26 years (your sister's loss) is far more painful than your mother's loss. Some of the reasons being - your sister was widowed so young & early, your brother in law couldn't watch his kids grow into adults, graduate, get married or have kids. The kids lost their dad so young. So that loss to me, seems much more painful and traumatic than losing someone into 60's. Like you said, it cannot be compared- but still we will have relatively better ways of dealing with the grief in the latter. Like when your father suffered and passed away - at least you know he no longer is suffering and is at a better place. Just a perspective to make ourselves come in terms with the loss.

Eventually a loss is a loss and grief is the same. But our hearts find better ways to accept it/deal with it when it is timely versus an untimely death. I do not know, just wondering.

Thanks so much for responding to me. You put it all so well. No, you were not harsh at all. You were being honest about your opinion and thanks for that. Like I said, sometimes you just need someone to tell you, though it might be something you should know. Loss of a loved one can leave you blind & angry....in a state of mess. Takes time to re-coupe and be able to count on the positives.

Take care dear.

[karebear]

MS is multiple schlerosis and it sometimes robs my mom of her sight, the ability to walk and move. Eventually it will leave her bedridden, however she is a tough cookie and has never given in easily. She is still walking and moving although it is with much difficulty these days. She had 40 years with my dad as his wife and was dependant upon him for almost everything, including often helping her up when she literally falls to the ground. Now she is without that helper.

My sister did lose her husband early, but eventually her heart did heal and she has since then opened her heart up again and remarried and has 3 more children. Her 2 sons grew up knowing the love of 2 parents and hearing about their dad. There is some loss there but there is blessings too in that she was young enough to rebuild. My mother is not in that situation and after 40 years with her best friend will not even consider opening that door again. I don't say this to compare their losses only to show that sometimes it is not age that makes the grieving hard but the circumstances surrounding the loss. Although I and my sister have surrounded my mom during this time and she is coping rather well. I made my mom my priority when I lost my dad because I didn't want to lose my mom along with him. I knew that her health was not good and if she was not taken care of she would go down hill fast.

I am a woman of faith as is my family. God has blessed us all, my sister in her grief was given healing and a chance to marry a good man and rebuild. She lives in a house of love with 5 blessings. My mom has had MS since she was 18. She is one of canada's oldest survivor's with the disease having it for more than 45 years. She is still walking and talking and able to enjoy life. God has blessed her with my father for 40 years and now in this new phase of her life is giving her comfort and surrounding her with the love of family and friends.

I hope you find peace and answers to your questions. Just as life happens when we are making other plans healing happens when we have stopped watching for it.

Karebear

[Anamika]

Karebear - Thanks for your lovely, warm and thoughtful post on Friday evening. I was getting really hazy and foggy by Friday evening and your post helped bring some calm and peace to a very disturbed mind.

Was your father totally healthy & active when he passed away? My father was and thankfully, my mother is at the moment. Though she was totally dependent on my father, emotionally, socially and more. They were best friends, great companions and soul mates and yes, they were married for 39 years. My mother, also, will never even consider remarrying, though I wish she find a nice man. I know it will not happen for sure though. She is still young but she wouldn't and it's not well accepted in our society at her age.

The problem in our case is that both me and my sister stay so far away from home. I wish if I could move in with her but that is not possible at the moment. I have her with me but she can only stay with me in this country for 6 months at a stretch. Also no matter how comfortable we make her, am sure she will miss her freedom, space and stuff at her own home - where she and my dad lived their life for so many years. It breaks my heart to think, but I feel so helpless.

I totally get your point regarding your sister and mom. Is your sister just as happy as she was before (before first husbands death)? Is she able to have heartfelt laughs? Is her current husband loving her former children just the same as his own? God bless his heart and am happy it all worked out. Two losses in the family must be hard for you but I am glad your sister had a second chance at things.

Yes, you are right that we should not overlook the blessings in our life. My sister is married and has a son, her husband is not as responsible. While I won't call him a bad person, he is not as organized or responsible and sometimes behaves little eccentric or odd. My mom and dad always worried about her and my mom still does. Not that he is totally bad but sometimes he makes things unnecessarily difficult for everyone. Anyways its what it is.

Thanks for responding, feels nice to be able to talk to someone.

Take care dear.

[Anamika]

BTW, love your point regarding the age and loss...that is also the circumstances that you are in. very well said!