Loss of Mother

[katz56]

I feel almost embarrassed posting here. I lost my mom seven years ago to Lewy Body Dementia and I feel like I should be past this, but I can't seem to move on. I tried to handle it myself initially and came all to pieces, then had a christian pastor with Hospice to council me for months (which was so much help), but I still can't move on. I've learned to lie to people so they don't know, but I'm always a mess inside.

I'm 56 y.o., single, never married or had children. I now take care of my 90 y.o. father who has Alzheimers. I have a FT job at a Sr. Center and am over Home Delivered Meals. I continue with my life, but don't think I have truly experienced any happiness since my mom died. I don't know if I even know what that feels like anymore. It was always just the three of us and I was always so happy. Had the perfect life, spoiled child, my mother was my best friend. We did everything together. I really had no need to have lots of friends because I always had my mom, she was just fun and such a good mother. She told me in later years that she thought it was her fault I never married and am more of a loner, because she held me to close and I always said no, but I think now she was right. I don't blame her, it's my fault, but she was right. They waited 8 yrs. before they could get pregnant with me and never could have anymore children.. When your young it's great, when your older and alone it's the pits.

I'm so alone, even with friends I always feel alone. The holidays are the worst. From Oct to Dec I just survive. My mom's birthday is in Oct., then Thanksgiving, and of course Christmas. I just go on auto pilot and survive thru these months. I miss her so much. It's like I don't know how to go on with my life. I try to do the best I can with my dad to help him, but I fail everyday. I know I'm losing him now and I honestly don't know if I can do it or not. I'm so scared because I don't want to be alone. I have people around me who are supportive, but you don't want to always be the single one and always down, so I put on a show and laugh when I'm crying on the inside. I feel so alone, I love my dad, but can't talk to him anymore for long periods, he's not able. When I lost my mom it was my dad and me, we had each other, not its him and it's only me and I don't think I'm strong enough for this. So I eat constantly and since my mom died I started charging things online. Never did that before she died. If I'm not putting it in my mouth, I'm putting in on my charge card...which has gotten me severely in debt. But that doesn't stop me, I just keep charging. Just for a little bit it fills this hole inside me that's so empty.

I don't know anymore, I need some help. Is there anyone out here that can help. I feel like I'm sinking.

[ForeverRemembered]

katz56, No need to feel embarrassed posting here! I lost my mom in September 2012. Her birthday is on December 14th. My sister and I are also taking care of my 78 year old father. People tell me all the time that it will get easier....not so sure about that. Please know that you are not alone! I can relate to when you talked about eating and online shopping. I feel like I will never be the same. Forgive me for seeming silly here but...it is almost like an out of body experience. I know that I am trying to fill so kind of void. I see myself deteriorating. I see myself getting very behind with work. I see my marriage suffering. I see that I am not as happy and playful around my loving children. I see all of this, but I still can't seem to change it. So....in my non medical opinion, I am sure I am suffering from a small bout of depression. I know that I am. I am sure that didn't help you but maybe it could help you to know that you are not alone. I think these are typical depression symptoms. You are taking care of your father, your mom's birthday was recently, the holidays are here....these are some pretty big emotional events. Therefore....our bodies (and I say 'our' because I am in the same boat as you are) can only take before it lets off the steam. The symptoms we are suffering from is the steam that our bodies are letting out. It is a way to "feel comfortable" inside. However, as you and I both know...it isn't the proper way to "deal with the situation". I know that exercise is the best thing for our bodies. I need to put on my ipod and go walking. I just need to DO IT rather than know that I should do it.

I don't know if that helped you. LOL! I tried. Considering we are both in the same situation we have the right to laugh at ourselves! In your post you wrote that you are a loner which may be why you never married. I too am a loner! I am married. I don't think your mom made you that way because of the way she treated you. I believe it is just the way we are wired. She may have been wired like that. I hate social events but I make myself go. I don't even like to pick up the phone when friends are calling! I know that is terrible! I have always been this way. People try and try to become friends with me but...I always disappoint. I try but when I get stressed out, my natural way is to block everyone out. I am good online and writing though! LOL! I suspect that I am wired this way because I have 2 children. My older child looks and acts just like daddy and has the opposite personality of myself. My younger child looks just like me and has my personality to the tee and is also a loner. I see myself in my younger child! This is why I feel like we are wired this way.

Just MAKE YOURSELF go out with friends. Try to get into a good church. Not to jump into friendship but stand back and just listen for awhile. The friends will come in time. Church just does this to people.

One thing my pastor once told me is that people REALLY CARE AND THEY WANT TO HELP. They are just too wrapped up into their own lives to see that you need help. Does that make sense? Don't wait for someone to come to you. Go and talk to your pastor, a friend, a family member, a social worker, a coworker....or whoever you feel comfortable talking to.

Hugs and take care! Keep us posted!

[siann lambert]

HI.. I'M SIANN..

I'M SO SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT THE LOSS OF YOU'RE MOTHER.. ITS ONE OF THE MOST HURTFUL THINGS THAT CAN EVER HAPPEN TO A PERSON..

I ALSO LOST MY MOTHER IN SEPTEMBER 2012.. AND IT WAS HER BIRTHDAY ON THE 11TH OF NOVEMBER , ONE OF THE HARDEST DAY TO GET THROUGH , SO MUCH SADNESS AND HURT, THE THOUGHT OF HER NOT BEING THERE, NEVER EVER BEING THERE AGAIN TO CELEBRATE HER SPECIAL DAY... NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN ONLY MEMORIES THAT LIVE INSIDE ME , NOT TO EVER BE FORGOTTEN ..

PEOPLE SAY THAT IN TIME ,IT GETS BETTER AND THE PAIN IS'NTT AS HECTIC AS WHEN OUR MOTHERS PAST AND THAT AFTER A WHILE YOU START TO MOVE ON WITH YOU'RE LIFE AND FIND A WAY TO COPE.. BUT I DON'T SEE HOW THAT CAN BE TRUE, PERSONALLY !! BECAUSE THE PAIN INSIDE ME FROM MY MOMS DEATH WILL NEVER LEAVE EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY THE THOUGHTS AND MEMORIES I HAVE OF HER REPLY OVER AND OVER INSIDE MY HEAD AND EACH TIME I THINK OF HER, I REMEMBER ILL NEVER BE ABLE TO SEE MY MOMMY AGAIN.. MY MOM WAS NOT ONLY MY MOTHER BUT MY BESTEST FRIEND I COULD EVER OF HAD, SHE WAS SUCH A PHENOMENAL PERSON , SO KIND AND GIVING , SO UNDERSTANDING AND LOVING.. DAYS HAVE BECOME SO DARK WITHOUT HER BRIGHT SMILE , MY LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME..

I WISH YOU ALL THE STRENGTH YOU WILL NEED TO GET BY EACH DAY WITHOUT YOUR MOM... AND I HOPE IN THE FUTURE YOU FIND HAPPINESS..

[BreathofAngel]

I feel almost embarrassed posting here. I lost my mom seven years ago to Lewy Body Dementia and I feel like I should be past this, but I can't seem to move on. I tried to handle it myself initially and came all to pieces, then had a christian pastor with Hospice to council me for months (which was so much help), but I still can't move on. I've learned to lie to people so they don't know, but I'm always a mess inside.

I'm 56 y.o., single, never married or had children. I now take care of my 90 y.o. father who has Alzheimers. I have a FT job at a Sr. Center and am over Home Delivered Meals. I continue with my life, but don't think I have truly experienced any happiness since my mom died. I don't know if I even know what that feels like anymore. It was always just the three of us and I was always so happy. Had the perfect life, spoiled child, my mother was my best friend. We did everything together. I really had no need to have lots of friends because I always had my mom, she was just fun and such a good mother. She told me in later years that she thought it was her fault I never married and am more of a loner, because she held me to close and I always said no, but I think now she was right. I don't blame her, it's my fault, but she was right. They waited 8 yrs. before they could get pregnant with me and never could have anymore children.. When your young it's great, when your older and alone it's the pits.

I'm so alone, even with friends I always feel alone. The holidays are the worst. From Oct to Dec I just survive. My mom's birthday is in Oct., then Thanksgiving, and of course Christmas. I just go on auto pilot and survive thru these months. I miss her so much. It's like I don't know how to go on with my life. I try to do the best I can with my dad to help him, but I fail everyday. I know I'm losing him now and I honestly don't know if I can do it or not. I'm so scared because I don't want to be alone. I have people around me who are supportive, but you don't want to always be the single one and always down, so I put on a show and laugh when I'm crying on the inside. I feel so alone, I love my dad, but can't talk to him anymore for long periods, he's not able. When I lost my mom it was my dad and me, we had each other, not its him and it's only me and I don't think I'm strong enough for this. So I eat constantly and since my mom died I started charging things online. Never did that before she died. If I'm not putting it in my mouth, I'm putting in on my charge card...which has gotten me severely in debt. But that doesn't stop me, I just keep charging. Just for a little bit it fills this hole inside me that's so empty.

I don't know anymore, I need some help. Is there anyone out here that can help. I feel like I'm sinking.

My dearest (((((((Katz)))))))

Dearheart, I am very sorry for the physical loss of your dear Mother. I know just how you are feeling because a Mother is worth the world and more to a child who truly cares. There can be no softening of the pain that exists inside and the void that will always be. But in that loss you must find Strength as surely your Mom would want for you to. There are some who feel that time heals everything only it doesn't for many and there is truly no "closure". I cannot stand that word because how can one 'close' the door on a loved one ever. The majority of people who have a heart and who care just go on living day to day but the loss can be tremendous.

The fact that you and your Mom were so close is a wonderful thing though. I'm sure she took care of you with plenty of Love to spare during your formative years and now you can look back and be truly proud of all that you did for her. Those memories are something that no one can ever take away from your heart as they are yours to keep forever! So don't consider the fact that you are an only child a handicap. There are reasons why it was only to be you in your family. Many others are experiencing the same thing as an only child but they have learned to get by somehow. And if you were not able to marry and have your own family it is not because you were taking care of your Mom but that it was not the plan to be in your life. Perhaps you were mercifully spared from something tragic that could have happened had it been the other way. Therefore, you must dismiss any regrets about that. There are no coincidences or mistakes in life only the unfolding of what is meant to be.

I know with the holidays coming it can hit one doubly hard. But that is a special time as well that can open other opportunities. Perhaps get-togethers with those who truly understand your situation may be of help as who knows they too may be desirous of having some company so as to not be alone during this time period. Reach out to others who are 'there' and/or have 'been there' as you are now and let them know how you feel. It is good to talk and let things out. Speaking about your dear Mother can be a very healing experience! Every time you utter those most special words "My Mom" or "My Mother" it is as if she is right there with you all over again!

I will certainly offer prayers for you that all goes well in your life as I'm sure it will. Be Strong. Stand Strong. You are not alone. We are here to speak with you anytime you feel the need or even just to say "hello." May God bless you and offer you great comfort, dearheart. Many hugs to you!

http://www.ehow.com/info_7892812_support-groups-losing-parents.html

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If you could hold the ocean in your arms, it still could not compare

with the vastness of love a Mother has in her heart for her child. -- BreathofAngel

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[nopeace]

I really don't know how to help you other than to tell you to pray and go talk to a pastor or other professional. I agree with ForEverRemembered try to make yourself do things you are not comfortable with. I am a loner myself and it is VERY hard for me to allow people in because I have been hurt by people I trusted. The holidays is the most difficult but I believe what doesn't kill us will make us stronger. That is what I'm being told to help me through the most difficult time in my life. You will not sink. God will keep you standing...