I keep pushing replay will I ever stop?

[Yadairaisabel]

November 2nd, 2012 I was shopping with my mother in law we went out to get a bed spread for our bed. It was her home warming gift sense nov 16 we were finally closing on our starter home. That day I called my hubby he was home with his buddy waiting for me to get back. When I was in line to pay I went on my Facebook and read a post about one of my co workers and dear friend who had past away that morning due to a heart attack. I cried and just felt so sad I couldn't believe he was gone he was so young it didint make sense to me. When I got home Chuck sat down with me and just hugged me thru it. He told me babe sometimes God decides to take people earlier than we expected but I can assure you he will be looking down on us with a smile. Then he told me he would be there every step of the way we would go to the wake together and all would be fine. November 3rd, 2012 our anniversary that day he was happy as could be! We packed up our baby girl and went to the mall he wanted to take me shopping for our anniversary lol he was always so sweet! We had ice cream and finally set the date for our wedding which would be November 1st, 2014 we were happy later that night he got me a hello kitty stuffed animal and blanket a penguin coffee mug and bought movies we could watch together. We laid on the couch and watched movies till one am and all was good. Then Sunday November 4th came we had a great weekend he got up worked out with his dad and came in the house super sweaty and as usual he came and gave me a bear hug <3 we later went to get some shoes for him which was a difficult task sense he wore a size 15 we didint find anything but we took some pictures in a photo booth with our Sophia little did we know those would be the last pictures we would ever take. That night he went to work then came home I was in the shower and when I came out he was laying on the floor I asked him what was wrong he said oh nothing my body just hurts and I feel very tired I assumed it was because of his morning workout so I left him alone. Later he came to bed I gave him the biggest and tightest hug ever and whispered I love you in his ear he smiled and said I love you too I wouldn't be able to live without you. We watched a little tv then he got up and asked me to move over and let him sleep by the wall. Before I could move he yelled watch out and fell on top of me I held him thru what I thought was a seizure. He had epilepsy but he had never gone into a seizure in front of me. Chuck was 6'3 and 200 something pounds after it was over he was so heavy it took me a good minute to get him off me I tried to wake him and nothing I tried getting his pulse and nothing ems took about 15 minutes to get to the house I tried flipping him over but he was too heavy for me I looked at his lips they were blue I knew he was gone but I wanted to have hope November 5th, 2012 at 1:30 am the love of my life left my side. Everyday I replay his last days in my mind and I ask myself where did I go wrong? What if I would have taken him to see a doctor when he wasn't feeling well earlier maybe if I would have gotten him off me sooner he would be alive today! Did I upset him is that why he had this seizure? Did he know exactly how much I love him? His life just slipped away he's gone and I just can't let go!!!!

[DarkDungeon]

I'm so sorry to hear your loss. I read your other posts and it sounded like you really had a special relationship with lots of affection.

My boyfriend died in a car accident a month ago. I was supposed to go out with him that night but I chose to go to a concert instead.. I'm not positive what happened in his accident but I think he was driving drunk. For about 3 weeks all I could think was that I caused his death.. what if, what if, what if.. If I had been there, he never would have drove drunk... I wouldn't have let him and he'd never have me in his car in danger.. On top of that, his friend told me he was upset I didn't come out.. so his last feeling toward me was disappointment. I still wonder if he had been texting me while driving because I had sent him a text saying "I love you" before the crash and he always wrote back to me.

I always have known deep down that I didn't actually cause the accident. I know that every incident that day led to that moment. The route he took, the decision to go to a bar, how strong the bartender made the drinks, a red light, everything that day led up to what happened and it wasn't only me.

I'd say it took me about 3 weeks to stop obsessing about my part in his death. I still think about it from time to time but I'm much more comfortable now knowing that he knew how much I loved him and if he were here he'd probably laugh at me thinking I had anything to do with it.

What helped me the most was talking to his friends and realizing that EVERYONE felt to blame. One friend said he had asked him to give him a ride home that night and he missed the text. Another friend said he let him drive home that night... another said he was supposed to go out with him and he would have driven his car instead... I realized that this guilt, regret, blame, responsibility... we ALL feel it with sudden death. If we ALL feel it, and it can't be ALL of our "fault," then it's clear this is just the nature of grief and it comes with the territory.

You had nothing to do with anything leading up to that moment. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way and I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you can see from my story that it's a common feeling. I also hope that you, too, know deep down that it wasn't your fault. You won't be able to just snap out of this mindset, but eventually it will not lead your grief. It will take the back seat. I'm sure others who were close with him wonder if they could have changed something as well.

[Yadairaisabel]

Thank you dark I'm so sorry for your loss. Believe it or not you have helped me a lot! And you are right I'm not the only one that feels that way I guess with time ill feel better

[LOST26]

Well I have feelings of so much guilt. My husband died of metastatic prostate cancer and I feel responsible plain and simple. (I didn't take care of my precious gift) I suggested he go to the doctor, just once....I should've insisted on it and kept after him to go. Frequent urination is a symptom and he urinated a lot but he drank so much diet pepsi so I just attibuted it to that....He urinated a lot when he was 21 so I guess I didn't think much about it.

We used to joke around about him getting a prostate exam and colonoscopy when he turned 50. He said he had a few years before he needed to worry about that because the recommended screening age is 50. Well he was only 48 when diagnosed and died when he was 49. I didn't tune into his needs and health. I was caught up in work and other family members and their problems and I messed up. He was the most important person to me and I put him last on my list of worries and that is hard to live with.

You know how sometimes spouses get grouchy or maybe snap at each other a little? Well my Russ never did that to me. He came home from work with a smile for me and usually had my favorite snack or pop in his hands. He treated me like a princess and I didn't appreciate him. It was like living with a saint. I knew how wonderful he was but I just took him for granted and it's so had to live with all of this guilt.

When I was in high school I didn't really have a serious boyfriend so I prayed to God for someone to love me and not long after that here comes my wonderful Russ. We started dating at age 18, he was 19 and were always together after that. I just can't understand why God took him after giving him to me. Maybe I'm being punished. I certainly deserve it!

I just hate if for everyone on this website. It's so hard.

[Yadairaisabel]

Well I have feelings of so much guilt. My husband died of metastatic prostate cancer and I feel responsible plain and simple. (I didn't take care of my precious gift) I suggested he go to the doctor, just once....I should've insisted on it and kept after him to go. Frequent urination is a symptom and he urinated a lot but he drank so much diet pepsi so I just attibuted it to that....He urinated a lot when he was 21 so I guess I didn't think much about it.

We used to joke around about him getting a prostate exam and colonoscopy when he turned 50. He said he had a few years before he needed to worry about that because the recommended screening age is 50. Well he was only 48 when diagnosed and died when he was 49. I didn't tune into his needs and health. I was caught up in work and other family members and their problems and I messed up. He was the most important person to me and I put him last on my list of worries and that is hard to live with.

You know how sometimes spouses get grouchy or maybe snap at each other a little? Well my Russ never did that to me. He came home from work with a smile for me and usually had my favorite snack or pop in his hands. He treated me like a princess and I didn't appreciate him. It was like living with a saint. I knew how wonderful he was but I just took him for granted and it's so had to live with all of this guilt.

When I was in high school I didn't really have a serious boyfriend so I prayed to God for someone to love me and not long after that here comes my wonderful Russ. We started dating at age 18, he was 19 and were always together after that. I just can't understand why God took him after giving him to me. Maybe I'm being punished. I certainly deserve it!

I just hate if for everyone on this website. It's so hard.

Oh lost I am so sorry for your loss. I know the feeling of guilt is hard to live with. Months before chuck passed he started having major nose bleeds his blood pressure was high and he was having major headaches. I should have pushed harder for him to go to the doctor but I didint.

I don't think you are being punished I think your Ross was such a wonderful man that god needed him by his side I know those words don't really make it better but that's what I keep telling myself about chuck. We haven't gotten his autopsy yet but I'm pretty sure it was a heart attack I just can't understand why???

Again I'm very sorry for your loss this is something that hits us all very hard and nothing makes the pain go away

[LOST26]

Yadairaisabel, Thank you for what you said. I think you are on to something about God needing them. When people talk about their near death experiences they mention being taken to a loving place and surrounded by such great love that they don't want to leave. (I've been reading afterlife and near death experience books)

I've been told we are supposed to learn in this life to prepare us for our union with God and all the other spirits. From what I gather the spirit afterlife is all about love. I'm not super religious but in the Bible Jesus commands us to love one another so that sounds like the number one most important thing of all. Maybe Russ and Chuck already learned what they needed to know about love and how important love is and they were ready for the spirit world with God.

I'm just trying to make sense of it all.........I still don't know why children suffer and die. That is a hard one..... and as much as I love Russ I'm so thankful I didn't have to go through the loss of a child. Although I'm not out of the clear. I hope to have grandchildren someday and I have nephews who I just adore....I hope nothing happens to them but I guess we never know what can happen in this life. I used to feel like I was special and God watched out for me and my family but I see that was not the case. Anything can happen to anyone.

Try not to feel guilty. I know it's hard because I feel that way too. We can't go back and maybe it wouldn't have changed things anyway who knows...

I don't know what to think....I'm just rambling on. I'm so sorry your Chuck passed away but I don't think he is gone either. He might be chatting with my Russ.

[Silvergirl61]

Hon, I keep doing that to myself, too. I keep wishing I had simply told Dennis to get in the car and go to the emergency room right away , when he was feeling sick a few days before. I wished I had taken him straight there when I saw him rubbing at the center of his chest a few minutes before he collapsed.

I tell myself now, that I should have seen it, I should have known..but... I asked him many times, if he was sure he was ok, if he needed to go to the doctor..and he kept telling me he was fine, and to stop worrying. I did try to watch over him..and the simple fact is, people right in a hospital who suffer the kind of heart failure that took him away, only have a 25 percent chance of recovery.

There is no rewind, no do-over, and no way to make things different. I have come to realize, that Dennis would hate it , that I keep blaming myself, and making myself sick with grief over his death.

He was always so loving and caring for me. he watched over me, too. When I was ill, he was always thee, caring for me, trying to make it better. When I had to go in for surgery, he stayed right in the hospital with me, until I could leave, because he knew how much they scare me. He was kind, he loved me dearly...and he always wanted me not to cry, and not to be sad, and to be strong and believe in myself. He was my biggest fan, and my best and most loving friend.

I am sure your Russ wouldn't want you to feel that way either. You would know that better than me, of course. .Would you want him to feel like that, if it had been you who went first? They asked me that question this morning...and I am still thinking about it. Maybe the answer will help make a difference.

[LOST26]

Hi Silvergirl,

It sounds like your Dennis was a terrific guy. I think that makes it harder too....when they are so wonderful...

When Russ was still alive I made comments about how I was sorry that I let this happen to him and I didn't look out for him like I should have. He got angry with me of course. He said it wasn't my fault but I think I will always feel guilty. Maybe it won't be as bad over time. I feel guilty over other things too.

I was diagnosed with melanoma about four years ago. It didn't invade the deeper tissues so they think they got it all and I should be okay. Anyway I could see in Russ' face he was so scared but he kept it together. Then when we found out they got it all he was so relieved. We talked about what could've happened and this and that.....he said he prayed for God to take the cancer from me and give it to him. Well.... he ended up with cancer so needless to say I feel guilty about that. I'm not sure if that's necessarily what happened but it's something to add to my list of things to feel guilty over.

That man adored me and wanted nothing but the best for me and I know he would want that now. I know he wouldn't want me to feel guilty. I wouldn't want him to feel that way either. I would want him to laugh (loved his laugh) and find happiness again. I wouldn't want him to be lonely either even though it would be hard to picture him with someone else. I definitely would want him to be happy..

I am just so thankful out of all the people he could have loved, he chose me but then I think if he chose someone else he might still be alive? Maybe that person would have caught the cancer in time. I know.....you're right, we can't rewind or go back so I need to find a way to stop dwelling on the guilt.

[Tab]

I should've insisted on it and kept after him to go.

Hon, he was male and us men tend to avoid doctors until necessary. I too have done this, even pooing off any of Kellie's concern regarding me, bless her heart.

It is not your fault. It is simply the way many of us men are.

[Tab]

What if I would have taken him to see a doctor when he wasn't feeling well earlier

My comment to Lost applies to you too Yadairaisabel.

We are not perfect so it can be very easy to question ourselves over what we see as moments of failing the one we love.

Trust me...your love for him is obvious and so it is obvious you would do what you could for him and it is obvious that you did.

As my Kellie's caregiver I too find myself reliving the last few days, especially the last day. It was on a Saturday. Saturdays were special for us since we always took little excursions to see the marvels of nature in this area each and every Saturday. One of our many shared rituals of enjoyment.

Now my Saturdays are reminders that I lost my companion and not associated with the many trips we took before the monster invaded my sweetheart. I have found myself reliving each moment of the day over every time I hppen to look at a clock and my head sends me back to what was transpiring at that time. It has become almost like a countdown and I can not bear it so I leave the house for a long walk when the day approaches the time of her passing.

[DJCCHV]

I think we all go through this. I can't believe I didn't question it when he didn't call back after I left a message reminding him to take his medicine, or ask Meals on Wheels to do a further check when they called to say they'd found the door locked. I just assumed his doctor's appointment had been earlier than he'd thought and he'd gone on to it.

I still have flashbacks of seeing him when I came home.The folks who came to take him to his appointment had brought in the EMS but it was too late. He was still warm when I got there!

All I can say is that it slowly gets less painful, very slowly.

I'm sorry that all of you are going through this.

D

[Izzy]

My hubby had a 2 mimi strokes,but he walked in to the ER on his own,was in the hospital for a week ,went to rehab and died 5 days later.I was there everyday but the last day,he told me to go to work we needed the money.Do I feel guilty, sure.Maybe i could have seen something that night.Maybe he would have told me he didn't feel good.WHy didn't i go see hm that night? Could i have stopped him from dying? I don't know.

[Yadairaisabel]

My hubby had a 2 mimi strokes,but he walked in to the ER on his own,was in the hospital for a week ,went to rehab and died 5 days later.I was there everyday but the last day,he told me to go to work we needed the money.Do I feel guilty, sure.Maybe i could have seen something that night.Maybe he would have told me he didn't feel good.WHy didn't i go see hm that night? Could i have stopped him from dying? I don't know.

I'm sorry for your loss izzy. I too feel a lot of guilt but like I've been told we all go thru that feeling. Just remember he lives in your heart he will always be your husband and the love of your life.

God bless you