Sudden Loss of Mom -- How do I deal with recurring thoughts? PTSD?

[reeling]

October 12th, 2012

I lost my mom suddenly to unknown reasons, purportedly a heart attack or aneurysm. She had been on high BP meds for several years now and had taken Phen Phen years ago so the potential for heart attack was very high. My fiance, my dad, my 7 year old sister, and myself were in the home when she collapsed. We initially thought she had just passed out but after a few moments of trying to wake her, I realized she was not breathing. She was face down in a cramped bathroom with some clutter that inhibited us from doing much of anything. I took my little sister out of the room after we realized she was not breathing so my dad and fiance could turn my mom over to attempt to do something. My mom was overweight and attempts to turn her over failed, partially due to the hysteria and aggravation of being so damn helpless. My fiance was able to turn her over after several minutes as I was on the phone with 911 dispatch. As soon as he had done this I jumped in to perform CPR but noticed how blue her face was and that her tongue was swelling. Her eyes were closed most of the way but I could see enough to realize she was no longer there. I couldn't not try though! I stuck my fingers in her mouth to ensure nothing was blocking her airway and gave her a breath. The sound of escaping air haunts me to this day. I remember doing chest compressions and wondering if I was doing them correctly, trying to recall the CPR classes I took with my mom. I gave her at least 2 breaths with chest compressions in between, questioning my technique the whole time. I didn't do this for long when EMSA arrived. I knew the outlook was grim but attempted to keep hope alive until we had a definitive answer.

I kept my little sister in my room during all of this. She had seen my mom in the floor face down and the scene was enough to send her into complete panic. I'm relieved she did not see my mom's face. She is not dumb and knew that it was not looking good. She asked my multiple times if mom was going to die. I kept telling her that we have to think the best until we find out. EMSA worked on my mom for 15-30 minutes in the house. I was calling my other sisters along with a few other people to let them know what was going on during all of this. I felt that they should not be left in the dark just in case things were as bleak as they appeared.

They transferred her to the hospital and we all were sent into the physician consultation room -- this I knew was not a good sign. Some of her co-workers were in the room with us when the doctor came in. We were given the intitial EMT's have done everything correctly in the home and we have attempted to rescusitate her for so many minutes "and at this time she has died." I knew it was coming but was not prepared for it, ever. I had to call my sister that lives several hours away and tell her not to hurry and to be careful as mom was gone. My younger sister consoled my baby sister. I am thankful for the family, friends, and church family that surrounded us in those first moments, and continue to do so.

It still doesn't seem real.

I am haunted daily by thoughts of that morning. Most times it will be glimpses of different things, rarely her face though. The sounds. The helplessness. I feel like I have horrible anxiety now and I'm considering seeing a counselor for it. I feel like I should have done more for my mom, I should have been more proactive in turning her over and starting CPR. I had taken classes on how to turn over patients but nothing would connect in my brain in those moments.

I know there is a part of grieving with all of this. I have dealt with the guilt and denial and all of the other emotions that go with this. I wonder sometimes if I have PTSD though. I'm not too excited about pills but I have moments where I'm on the verge of hyperventilating and noticed I have extreme separation anxiety when it comes to my family. I worry about something happening to them while they are away from me.

I know several people on here have had experience with group share meetings. I'm considering these as well but I'm leery of counselors and group meetings. I'm not sure what to expect and how comfortable I will be with it. I need advice! Which is why I'm here I guess...

I keep telling myself that others have experienced loss too. Some have experienced worse. I try to downplay my emotions and feelings and anxiety. I'm afraid this might be detrimental but I see tragedy every day that others experience.

[ModKonnie]

Reeling,

I am so sorry for your loss of your mom. You did everything right, and you shouldn't second guess yourself. Yes, you are certainly still reeling from the whole terrible trauma of the situation.

The anxiety you are feeling is normal. When you start hyperventilating, try to focus on something, like an object and begin to count as you breath in and out. It may help. Professional counseling may also be very helpful for you in helping you work through all of your feelings. Group counseling is great. There will be others there who share similar experiences and emotions. If you don't like your counselor, find another one.

Don't try to downplay your emotions, just try to go with them and get them out in the open. The more you talk with people, including your sisters, your dad and your fiance, the more it will also help all of you. You need to talk about it.

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

[Jeff's Mom]

I agree with Konnie. You could not have done more to save your Mom. I am so sorry for your loss. The feelings you are experiencing are completely normal. I have also walked in your shoes as far as trying to perform CPR on our son. I understand the recurring nightmares and haunting memories. It is important to talk and be open to those who will allow it. You need to get this pain out and share with others that understand. We are here for you. (HUGS)

Kate