Feels Like Im Losing My Mind

[Jlynn208]

My name is Jessica, I am 21 years old and I have recently lost my mother.

I'll start off at the beginning.

On August 24, 2012, I lost my mother. We still do not know the direct cause of death, it was very complicated.

My mom was driving in her car, actually on the way to my house. Something was going on with her in the car such as heart attack, stroke, sezuire, something that caused her to wreck her car. There was a car behind her and he made a statement in the accident report, he said he saw her speed up very fast and was swerving, then took a sharp right and struck a ditch, her car flipped from driver door to passenger door 10 times and while the car was flipping my mother was flung from the vehicle ( she was not wearing her seatbelt, which was VERY unlike her!) She was still breathing when the pharimedics arrived, and they worked on her for an hour but was unable to save her. I havent recieved the final autopsy yet so, i still dont know what caused her to wreck.

At the time I was 33 weeks pregnant. I have a son too, who is almost 2.

The whole day started off like any other Friday around here, my boyfriend gets paid and we do our errands aand pay bills. So we left early around 10am or so. While I was out my phone died, So i had no idea what had happend to my mom. I got home a few hours later, got my son ready for a nap, laid him down and plugged in my phone. I had 20 missed calls and a lot of voicemails, which is odd. I saw I had a facebook message from my cousin so i read it, the message sai " Im so sorry to hear what happend, if you need anything, call me, i love you." I was pretty confused, right as i finished reading the last word of the message, i saw that my dad was at my house. I headed to go downstairs and my boyfriend yelled upstairs to me that my dad was there. I got to the end of the steps and my dad was just standing in the door way with a weird look on his face, so i asked him "are you okay, did you get hurt at work, did you get fired?" My dad just broe out into tears and said "Jess, I dont know how else to even say this, your mom passed away" I couldnt seem to comprehend what he just told me, I just stood there in shock and just fell to the ground bursting into tears, I didnt know what to say, how to feel , what to do, and what to think. I broke down for a few minutes and i calmed down for minute once the thought of my brother crossed my mind, i told him i needed to see my brother i needed to be with him. Since I had just laid my son down, my boyfriend stayed with him and i went with my dad to go to my grandmas house where my mom and brother were staying. On the way there my brother called me and said they were at the hospital and that i needed to come there because I was next of Kin. So we headed to the hospital.

The whole drive there my mind was racing, i couldnt believe that any of this was really happening.

When we got to the hospital, I saw my grandma (moms mom), grandpa, aunt ( moms sister), my uncle, and my brother.

The doctor came into the personal waiting room and asked me if I wanted to see my mom, they kept her in the room for me.

Of course I wanted to see her, I didnt think it was real, i just wanted to hold her one last time.

at that point my brother had went outside and was getting some air. So I went back into the room alone, and there she was just laying on the bed, her face was pretty badly bruised and she still had all the equipment attached to her that they used to try to save her, the doctor told me they had to leave it there until she went to the morgue.

The doctor left the room and i just stood there next to her in shock, i broke out into tears, I touched her face, told her I loved her and asked her "what do I do now?" I stayed in the room for awhile, crying, holding her hand and just asking her to come back. My dad came in and hugged me and asked me if he could have a minute alone, so i left the room.

they gave me her personal belongings and i went back to the personal waiting room. my brother was in there so I asked him if he went and saw her and he said no, he was too afraid. So we left and my brother came back to my house. my brother is 15. My mom was currently living at my grandmas and grandpas with my brother. She went through some tough times and they were helping her get back on her feet. But while she was there my grandpa was diagnosed with parkinsons disease. So my mom decided to stay there longer to help my grandma take care of him. because my grandpa is in such poor health, my brother needed to go live with another family member. I told my family that I wanted him but I just couldnt do it at the moment with only having a two bedroom apt a son who is almost two and a baby coming in just a few weeks, so my aunt asked if she could have him. So it was all agreed he would live with my aunt. My aunt had my brother for only a few days and decided she couldnt keep him there that he had to come stay with me.

so I had no choice but to take him in. and its not that I didnt want to, it was just that it would be so hard at the moment. I had to get guardianship of him, he was on probation because he was acting up in school, he had counseling, wasnt enrolled in school yet, just a lot of things, a lot to be thrown on a person while they are 33 weeks pregnant and have their handsful with a toddler. But my boyfriend and I took him in anyway, I couldnt let him go to a foster home, my brother and I are very close we always have been.

So firsts things first he needed to be enrolled in school, if he didnt he would have went to juvie because he is on probation. But in order to get him enrolled i need to get custody so i went through a bunch of crap for over a month.

So after spending thousands of dollars on the funeral, custody and all that stuff, we are left struggling.

Everything is just so insane now, IM LOSING MY MIND!

Now that ive had my daughter and took my brother in we struggle constantly, since all that happend weve been in a 6 foot hole and unable to get out. And because of constantly stressing over money, my boyfriend and I fight. Between having a newborn, a toddler, stressing over money, figuring out how to raise my brother, losing my mom I am an emotional mess!!

My boyfriend just doesnt understand my pain either, he thinks im mad at him when im upset but im not, im mad i lost my mom and mad that we have to go through all this.

My brother is constantly in a bad mood, and snaps and gets smart with us and it makes my boyfriend very mad, and he tells my brother he needs to straighten up and have respect, which makes us all fight. My boyfriend and I fight cause he needs to understand what pain my brother is going through, my brother and I then fight cause he doesnt like what my boyfriend had to say.

So I basically always have to be the mediator! And keep the peace between everyone so nothing "falls apart".

But where im at now, personally is IM BREAKING DOWN INSIDE! IM FALLING APART! No one is there for me to keep me together but I have to be there to keep everyone else together. My boyfriend works a lot, so i mainly take care of the kids. I have to take care of the kids, make sure i get my brother to all of his counseling appts and probation meetings, do all the household things, everything, I DO EVERYTHING!

Im basicaly getting to the point where my kids arent enough to keep me strong anymore. I feel like I have no one to turn to, no one to talk to. Im going crazy inside and alls I want is my mom to be here, she was the only one that was ever there for me. We were so close, and she was SO CLOSE with my son too. I cant eat, I cant sleep, everynight i lay down alls i can imagine is the last time i saw my mom, and i start thinking abut death, and how it can happen at any given time, and how my kids are going to feel when im gone, how im going to feel when i lose someone else. Just really how permante death really is. I have never had someone close to me die before. Why do I kee thinking about death, and how scared I am to die. I never want to forget my mom, but I want to be able to cope with her loss. IS IT EVER GOING TO GET EASIER!?!?

My brothers birthday is coming up and i cant even get him a present, I feel so bad I cant offer him more. I can barely afford diapers for both of our kids, the car is falling apart, were behind on bills, christmas is coming up. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?!?

Everything is falling apart, I just want one good day

[immissingyou]

Oh sweetheart - I am so sorry. First off, you have an exceptional amount on your plate right now, physically and emotionally. You and your children have got to come first. Have you contacted any of the companies with regards to your bills and explained the situation? The groundwork needs to be laid with your brother that he tows the line. Period. Your house, your rules. Unfortunately, you are getting a dose of being a parent to a teenager before your own kids are there. It must be very hard for your boyfriend and maybe he doesn't know how to help. Have you looked into counseling? Your local pastor?

[nopeace]

Hello Jessica, I am so sorry for your unexpected lost. My prayers are with you and your family. I agree with immissingyou, contact those you owe and explain your situation and hopefully they will work with you. As for your brother continue to take him to his appointments and meetings and I suggest you and your boyfriend start professional counseling offered by your pastor, or maybe where you are taking your brother. But most important, PRAY!!! Does it get easier, truly it does but it is going to take time. Don't worry yourself about your brother's birthday, diapers for your kids, the car, Christmas coming up; put your trust in God and see how he works things out. I can relate to you when you write "everything is fallig apart." I feel the same way when I lost my Momma October 9, 2011. I am taking one step at a time by God's grace and mercy. I feel like no other human being situation is worst than mine. You probably feel the same way. Trust me, if I could exchange situations with you or anybody else on here "I WOULD." Not only have I lost my Momma, I am being accused of killing her. Yes murder and manslaughter. So we all should thank God. I do inspite of what I am going through. I hope this gives you some relief. You have a family and I am all ALONE. I will pray for you and yours. Be Blessed.