People's Reactions

[Neenz92]

Hi all,

I feel I need to vent my frustrations here because others don't want to know or hear about it. My mother died unexpectedly at the age of 70 of a ruptured aorta in July. I saw her on the morning she passed away and she was happy and her normal self. We guess that she died within 15 minutes of of me talking to her and I am assured by the paramedics, cardiologist, doctor that it was quick. We are on the long road to dealing with our grief and are thankful for the people who have been by our side since then.

Anyhow, my gripe is with people who have either ignored our grief and sorrow or just plainly avoided us in general. Not sure if others have experienced the same and if so, how did you deal with it?

There are a number of mum's old friends and some of our own friends that to this day have not bothered to call, visit, send a card or message - I am not expecting them to drop everything for us. All I wanted was to know that they were thinking of us, it's what I would have done for others, but apparently others don't feel that my grief is important.

Even one of our closest friends didn't come to the funeral because 'he couldn't handle it'! We didn't want to 'deal' with it either but we had to and now I don't know how to act around these people that I thought would be there for us in our deepest sorrow.

Can others please give me some advice because I don't know what to do if and when these people need support. Should I be there for them when they clearly were not there for me emotionally.

Please don't think I'm being heartless, I am just hurt that certain people were not there for me when I was in the depths of sorrow. I know I will slowly get over this feeling but sometimes it's hard to forgive. Advice please....

[ForeverRemembered]

I lost my mom on September 11th 2012. I was alone with my mother when she passed away. Not that anyone didn't know that she was about to pass away, but because they too "couldn't handle it." My mother went into respiratory distress and then during this time something terrible happened and she went unconscious. She never woke up. I sang to her. I held her hand. I prayed for her. I called in the Priest. I never left her side until the day she past away...which was only 2 days later. The doctor told me the night before that she was most likely going to pass away the next day, so I told my sister (who lives with my dad). I sat there waiting and no one ever came. My husband was at our house and taking care of my children. My sister went to work. My dad stayed home. Worse still...my sister never even told my dad that I had called her to tell her my mother was going to pass away. However, regardless of the situation of her passing that day, I feel under the circumstance of the situation being so grave....he should of been there anyway. I will never ever understand my family. I have forgiven them, but there is still pain and anger in my heart. I do not believe that I will ever be able to let the pain and hurt just go away. My mother was Catholic and she wanted a funeral in the church. I obtained the church. I paid for the church, the pastor, and the music. My mom had money in the bank that she was saving for something special. That money paid for half of the funeral home. I paid the other half. Yes, my mom and I paid for the funeral. I actually demanded the money (that my mom was saving) from my sister. I knew that I didn't want them to have it. It was my mom's money and I was going to use it toward her funeral. Not so I would pay less, but so my mom would get a beautiful engraved urn, big flower arrangements, and roses for some of us to place at the feet of the Blessed Mary during her funeral. To make the sting of my pain even stronger.... a family friend at the funeral (who I love) kept going around saying how my mother was gone the day she went into respiratory distress. As if that was a reasonable excuse for my family to not be there. Her words made me so mad. I did not sleep or eat for two days while in the hospital with my mom. I talked to my mom and I sang to her and I read the Bible and I prayed for her. Her words made it sound as if it were silly for me to have done all that I did for my mom, "because she was already gone". How does anyone know that my mom couldn't hear me? THEY DON'T KNOW! Who wants to die alone? Why would anyone just go home to leave someone to die when their loved one is in the hospital unconscious? Not me.

We go next week to put my mom's ashes in a Memorial. My family has known since the end of September. I have a feeling that me and my husband and my kids will be the only ones there. This is the way I try to look at it....Life is a circle. It keeps going around and around. Those who can't "deal" and those who choose to pretend that we didn't just lose the most important person in our lives...those people will have to deal with their actions at some other point in their lives. When life goes back around. Maybe not today, next year, or even in 5 years but one day they will stand in our shoes. When you come across these people just know in your heart that YOU are the lucky one. You have heart and love in your soul. Not everyone has that...as we have found out. They may have never lost a loved one and so they really can't imagine your pain. I never thought when I lost my mom the pain would be like it is. When they have lost someone dear to them, this is when they will look back on the hurt they didn't know they caused you. Some people have gone through the pain and just choose to "not deal." I am sorry you lost your mom. I can feel your pain. It is why we are on this website. It is so hard and just know that you are not alone. Not everyone is like these people. I understand. I am sorry for your hurt and pain. HUG!

[LivingForYou]

Well, I gotta say that I'm very, very sorry for the losses of your moms and all the hurting and pain that came along.

First of, I need to tell you that I,m not here because I,ve lost someone due to suicide, but because the woman of my life, the only woman I'll ever love lost her mom due to suicide around august 15th this year and she was the one to find her. Since then, I'm trying all my best to help her in any way I can but there's not much I can do. We are not in the same country right now and there's an ocean that separates us... I could possibly say that I'm exactly on the other half of both your stories. I'm the one who wants to hear, who wants her to share all she's living with me so that she knows I care and want to help in any way I can, even if it's only listenning. I'm sending her, each days, a text message so that she knows im thinking of her, that I'm there anytime for her. That I WANT to hear her... But sometimes there can be days, even weeks before I hear from her and I can't stop asking myself if I am any good at helping her at all... Am I doing the right thing ?? There's days I feel I am bugging her so much and other days I feel like I'm not doing enough. It's crazy for me and I,m not even the one living all this hell... Can't imagine how it can be for her and being so alone because she have almost no one at her side right now. Her birthday's coming in a week and I've sent her a box with a card, a letter, her favorite perfume and a shirt I have that she likes. Each days I try to tell her how important she is for me, that she means all in my life, but I can't stop thinking that I,m always repeating myself days after days and that she'll get tired of me... I won't stop sending her my support but I can't hide the fact that I'm scared of loosing her. One day without a word from her makes me crazy, feels like a week... now imagine a week without one... What can I do more in a time like this? I'm always asking me this question...

I'm sending all my good thoughts and hugs to both of you, hope you'll find more peace in your mind each days that's coming.

xxxxx

[Jeff's Mom]

I have to say that your posts really hit a nerve as I read them. I too have walked in your shoes on several occasions as I stood beside family members that have since died. I understand your anger. I also know how hurt and frustrated you are feeling. But I can say with all honesty that in time when the initial shock wears off you will be the one left standing having taken the high road. And for that you can carry your head high. Your loved one most certainly benefitted from your compassion and strength in caregiving at their time of need. Rather then focusing on what the others did not do....try letting it go. It is their problem to deal with. No longer yours. I still fight with my own daily demons to find forgiveness towards family that walked away. But in the end...it is their conscinece that they need to live with. Mine is clear. Take care and sending prayers and love.

Kate

[BreathofAngel]

I am very sorry to hear about the physical loss of your dear Mother. I know this is an especially difficult time for you and some people can indeed be insensitive to the situation especially in your time of need.

We have all heard the excuses people often use just to get out of going to a funeral or church service. It is, of course, inexcusable and it is normal to react with the thought of whether or not they truly care about the situation. However, people tend to do the dumbest things for the dumbest reasons sometimes. That does not excuse their being remiss about doing that which others, including themselves many times, may perceive as being right. But they do it for reasons known mostly to them. Their time of need likewise will come as well. However, the best way to handle the situation, imho, is to be as nice to them as you can be. If truly possible go to the funeral of their loved one as this will then show them who you truly are and that you have not stepped down to their level in such a somber situation. When they see you appear and you call them to offer your condolences it will surely get them to think back to the fact that they did not react in kind and that can be what really gets them to stand up and think just how wonderful a friend and person you really are by comparison!

Please do not blame yourself for not doing more as when a person's time has come, we can try to bring them the world of help but they are now beyond pain. Remember the times you two had together which will live in your heart forever as that Love cannot change and it will last for eternity. I am sending you many warm hugs.

My prayers are with you.