Lost my Mom on Halloween night

[sweetpea85]

First of all, I just want to reach out and tell everyone how sorry I am for each and everyone of your losses. I always felt sympathetic for those who had lost a parent but you can never really know until it happens to you.

I lost my Mom a week ago today. She had been battling colon cancer for the last 3 years. At the end of August, we were told the cancer had spread and there was nothing else to be done. I was in shock. My heart broke and shattered into a million pieces that day. I felt as though I'd already lost her. I spent the last two months of her life with her, caring for, hugging her, loving her, telling her how much she meant to me. She died in my arms on Halloween night at the young age of 62. I will never forget the adrenaline and heartache I felt as I watched her respirations slow down and saw her breathing cease.

For the most part, I've been holding it together. I don't know if it's because I've been staying busy, making arrangements, spending time with family, etc. At times, it hits me like a ton of bricks that she's gone and I'll never get to put my arms around her again. I will never be able to hold her hand, pick up the phone and call her, and that I have to go through the rest of my life without her. I'm 27, no children, not married, still going through school. I feel cheated that I won't get to share my big life moments with the most important person to me. She was my best friend and we talked every day. We spent at least one day a week together, going shopping or going to the casino (which was our little secret) .

I know everyone says grief is different. On one hand, I feel like I was somewhat "prepared" but on the other, I don't think you can ever prepare for losing someone you love with all your heart. I keep waiting for a huge breakdown. Her memorial service is Saturday and I keep thinking it will be after that, when my life returns to a new normal and the realization that she's not here will become more apparent. The only thing I know is that I already feel like a different person, a different woman, like an orphan. My dad is not a constant in my life and never has been. I have an older sister and a younger brother, and an amazing man who has been here for the last 6 years. I just feel like I no longer know who I am.

[diana1z55]

I lost my dad in Sept. It was really hard. I am doing much better now. The thought of losing my mom terrifies me. We see eachother every week too and our little secret is the casino as well! =) My thoughts will be with you. Diana

[srhannon]

sweetpea85 I totally understand my mother past in August and I am only 27 years old. I am married but it’s been a year since last week. And I can remember how much my mother kept asking me and my husband when we are having children she always wanted us to have kids we have been together for 8 years. I told her that we would try by the end of the year of course we didn’t know she was not going to make it until the end of the year she was only 54 years old. It was sudden we did not expect it at all. I think about the child I hope to have and how they will never have a chance to meet such a beautiful person and my mom won’t be here to see my first child. It hurts but I know she will always be with me. I must say with the help of him and family this has been hard but doable because of them. I use to take my mother to the casino all the time she loved it so much she said that was the only time she could get a brake and enjoy herself lol. I miss those days now I use to see her at least once a week and I called her almost everyday she really was my best friend. There will never be anyone in this world that can take her place. I try to keep busy I cry still for her but the days of waking up without her no longer seems so impossible because I have been doing it. I really miss our phone conversations those where the best we laugh and laugh and talked about everything. I also miss doing her hair for her and our talks during those times those are the memories that help keep me going. I often smile because I know that I had one of the best life possible because of my mother our relationship was very special and I thank her and god for that. I wish you the best and many blessing during your time. If you stay around family and friends it should help you with this hard time.

[sweetpea85]

sweetpea85 I totally understand my mother past in August and I am only 27 years old. I am married but it’s been a year since last week. And I can remember how much my mother kept asking me and my husband when we are having children she always wanted us to have kids we have been together for 8 years. I told her that we would try by the end of the year of course we didn’t know she was not going to make it until the end of the year she was only 54 years old. It was sudden we did not expect it at all. I think about the child I hope to have and how they will never have a chance to meet such a beautiful person and my mom won’t be here to see my first child. It hurts but I know she will always be with me. I must say with the help of him and family this has been hard but doable because of them. I use to take my mother to the casino all the time she loved it so much she said that was the only time she could get a brake and enjoy herself lol. I miss those days now I use to see her at least once a week and I called her almost everyday she really was my best friend. There will never be anyone in this world that can take her place. I try to keep busy I cry still for her but the days of waking up without her no longer seems so impossible because I have been doing it. I really miss our phone conversations those where the best we laugh and laugh and talked about everything. I also miss doing her hair for her and our talks during those times those are the memories that help keep me going. I often smile because I know that I had one of the best life possible because of my mother our relationship was very special and I thank her and god for that. I wish you the best and many blessing during your time. If you stay around family and friends it should help you with this hard time.

I'm very sorry about your Mom. Our stories sound simiilar. My boyfriend and I have been together 6 years this month and I wanted to so badly to get married before she passed. My Mom only had one grandchild and I feel the same...my kids will never know the beautiful, loving, hilarious person that was my Mom. My Mom was also the same about the casino...it was a place to go to take her mind off of things. Unfortunately, 17 days after my Mom's passing, my grandpa (her dad) took his life, so now I'm reliving it all again. 2 funerals in 2 weeks, losing 2 of the most important people in my life. It just doesn't seem real at times. I try to look at every day I'm here as a blessing and a chance to pass on their legacy but it's so hard when all I want is for them to be here!

[sadgirl38]

i feel the same way, with out my mom i too feel lost at times and very alone and unsure of who i am also. but i am so grateful also for the gift she was to me that God gave me her as a mom. i was a pretty rotten daughter most of the time in so many ways. but she was so kind to me all the time. i was so demanding. i feel so ashamed of myself. so many times i didnt realize how sick she was. after one very bad stroke she took me shopping, we didnt have much money but i needed a outfit for a funeral soon to come. her father was very special to both of us, and he was very ill. i didnt realize how hot it was outside in the car and she was to ill to get out of the car and i lost track of time, my poor mom sat there for a hour waiting for me in that hot car. i was so ashamed and she was ill when we got home, it got to hot for her. she was then sick for a few days more. when i look bad i feel so horrible. i think we all feel guilty about a lot.