Will I ever feel normal?

[DarkDungeon]

It's been 3 1/2 weeks since his car accident. I have since gone back to work and gotten back to my graduate school work. I have gone out with friends. I am trying so hard to focus on my students... Writing papers for school I find myself zoning out and only thinking about him and the quality of my work is awful.. With friends I have moments of listening to their stories about their lives with occasional laughter.. I used to never cry before all this and now I break down so many times each day I feel like a child. I obsess about memories, drawing out each one slowly, treating myself to him whenever I have a moment alone in my head. I wish I could be alone with him in my head forever but I'm trying to be normal and be a member of society again.. I obsess about that dreadful night and whether or not I could have changed something. I think over and over about the last time I saw him 3 1/2 weeks ago when he said he wanted this to work for a long time and he'd do whatever it takes and I'd never be alone cuz he'd do anything to be with me forever because he was head over heels in love. Everything I had been working for was to be with him... I had lost myself in our relationship and we both depended on each other as the light at the end of a tunnel.. Now I feel I'm walking in an endless tunnel and there's absolutely nothing but death on the other side. I'm also obsessed with death... I imagine his car accident in every single way possible. I put a small animal in his path and call him a hero, I have a car slam it's brakes in front of him and call him a victim, I think of his friend allowing him to drive drunk and call him murdered, I think I should have been in that passenger seat and then I'd call him saved and lucky and alive.

My thoughts and dreams haunt me so much as I try to twist the situation around in any way possible in disparate attempt to make this a positive situation which will make me stronger. People tell me I'm strong but the truth is I feel like a crazy person trapped in an obsessive mind.

I read his texts and look at his pictures and videos over and over again. My sister says I need to stop and keep my mind off of things but its all I have left to play our past over and over, mourn his beautiful life, and our shattered future.

Will I ever be normal? Will I ever feel relaxed and without panic? Every few minutes when I imagine the accident I get a strong dose of panic.. I fear so much that he felt pain or felt frightened by the accident.. It absolutely kills me to imagine him in any form besides with a smile on his face..

Will I ever stop trying to make sense of everything?

Will I ever stop thinking about all of these things... Will I ever find true joy in life? I used to be a very happy and easy-going person, always laughing at everything... Please respond

[Mdanielson4]

DarkDungeon,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss, this website has many people in the very same situation as you. I lost my wife to lung cancer May 16^th 2012. I know the pain you are feeling and it hasn’t been very long for you. I wish I could tell you that it will be all-better right away but I cannot. I still feel pain, with the help of people here and my loved ones I can finally smile again (occasionally) I won’t lie to you it is a hard road and you cannot travel it alone. Everyone I know has had to have some type of support or help to get through the very hard days. It is a process, you must heal and slowly things get more bearable. Of course everyone is different and heals at their own rate. Like I said I wish I had the answers. I can also tell you, people here are very good at talking and listing. I don’t know what I would do without this site. Hugs and know we are thinking of you.

Mike

[naty0123]

Well its almost been six months since my husband passed!! And there is no easy way, but to do what u feel amd not worry about what people say! unless they are going through our pain they have no clue... I struggle with different emtions everyday.Normal...whats is it dosent exist after u loose your heart. We just have to talk about it with people that understand!! Hang in there!! This site is the only place i feel normal.....

[DarkDungeon]

Thank you both for your support. It means so much to me to have people who feel similar to me. I get the feeling that people around me think I'm insane. My mother recommended therapy. I know I'm obsessing and having moments of utter sadness... but I do think it's all "normal." And I have had brief moments of feeling like myself as well.

It's now been exactly 4 weeks since the accident. I still can't wrap my head around it, but I'm trying to do regular things I usually do. I've had a really stressful time as well. A few days after he died, my roommate gave me 2 weeks notice to move out. My sister was kind to clear out a guest room so I moved in with her. However, her power has been out for 12 days so I've been couch surfing, which has not helped since I feel completely lost and it's hard to find stability and time to grieve, really. I've spent 30 hours on trains this week since power outages. I fight every urge to cry at work because my students need me to be okay. On the train ride home, I usually burst out into tears and that carries through the night. My father fell off the roof a few days ago and broke his back and I feel awful that I have not been able to support him because I feel like I can only handle one thing at a time. But I know he understands. This is all just me venting. I've been on the verge of a breakdown (and I have had several today).

For the past few weeks I've enjoyed playing memories of him in my head but now they make me feel horrible because I am realizing it's done, it's over. There will be no new memories. I feel like he's been frozen in time and on his last day he was completely in love with me. I'm just so afraid that one day I will lose the strength in our love I had that day. I'm so afraid to enjoy myself and have one second of not thinking about him like he's just stuck there and I'm walking away from him. I just want to erase that day, to stop it from happening, I want him back. I can't believe he's not coming back and I'm left here all alone.

I'm also having trouble with couples and older people. I see older people and wonder, "how come they are still around... they didn't have an accident like he had at such a young age. how come they get to grow old?" and I see couples and feel sick to my stomach. That should be me and him. We were just getting started, in that infatuation, perfect stage. And Im' positive the intensity of our love would have remained had we gotten the chance to be like those couples and lived on. But mostly I mourn for him. His life was so precious, he touched everyone in his path. He was a beam of light and now my world is dark.

[Mdanielson4]

You search for what you call normal, I truly do not think there is anything that comes close to normal in situations like this. Everyone reacts differently to stress. Some scream, others cry, others sit and are just quiet. Normal, I am not sure what would be considered normal. We all have our own way. The hardest part of finding a counselor is finding someone that understands and is a good grief counselor. My recommendation is to seek someone to talk to that understands grief. It has helped me and the only thing I can say is through my experiences from the last 6 months. I cannot imagine not having help. This site certainly is a good start. Consider my advice and seek some professional council. It can’t hurt.

Mike

[JimboRick]

Hey, I lost my wife in September to cancer. As for "normal", well yea, that's now subjective. Some days I think I feel normal, and others I don't. I try to keep it in the context of the situation. Of course I'm not going to be like I used to be. I just need to take it day by day, sometimes hour by hour, and do the best I can. There's lots of people no this site who can help you though.

[bdawn]

I have a lot of the same thoughts and feelings so you sound perfectly normal to me. People say that time heals all wounds so on the one hand I want time to hurry up and pass so that I can move on and feel better, but on the other hand I don't want to move on. It's been 10 weeks for me and it feels like the more time that passes the further away from me he becomes and that really hurts. My love died of lung cancer and he was only 48 yrs old. I too find myself looking at old people, especially old people who smoke, and wonder why him? Why did he have to suffer the horrific consequences of smoking when so many people seem to go unscathed for so much longer?

I have taken to writing to him in a journal. Many people believe that our loved ones spirits live on and that they are still with us after death. I honestly don't know if I believe that but I do know that writing letters to him helps me grieve and brings me some comfort. Therapy or grief counselling is probably helpful too although I haven't looked into that for myself yet. I'm too lethargic and disinterested in anything to go to the trouble of finding and attending counselling. I manage going to work (and work is one of the only places where I feel okay) but outside of that I don't do much of anything.

Whatever you do be kind and forgiving to yourself. It hasn't even been 4 weeks yet so don't expect too much of yourself too soon. If certain things bring you comfort, such as talking to him in your head or looking at his pictures, then do those things and don't worry about what others think or say.

[Caremal]

this may have been posted alread - but here goes. We have to find a new normal.

[Mdanielson4]

I believe I have been told I need to create a new Identity.

[val]

I too have been told i will have to create a new normal. my husband died july 5 2012. now, almost five months later, well...if this is my new normal, i certainly don't like it. i barely function at work - i don't know how you're doing it after 3.5 weeks and going to grad school. you must be a very strong woman. God Bless You, i am sincerely sorry for your loss.

Finding this site and reaching out for help take courage. There are oh so many here with support, encouragement and wisdom. We are all going through losing a part of ourselves. If God is in your life, lean on him, let him carry you.

What you described - the fixations on the accident, sound like a 'normal' part of the grief process. I don't know if I'll ever feel normal again.

I will pray for you as you undertake this journey called grief. Lean on the people at this site. Continue to post. That is all I know for now.

Val

[LouQ]

I think the same thing. Although my wife didn't pass from lung cancer she was only 64 and I too see people walking around much older than that and I think why? Why was the love of my life taken from me when she was so young? My wife just passed November 12th and today is Thanksgiving and I do not feel like celebrating anything. Not this year. People tell me it will get easier. I don't know how I will feel in a year but right now it hurts way too much. We had a love so special. We talked about everything. We always hugged and kissed and said we love each other even after 26 years of marriage.

I have a lot of the same thoughts and feelings so you sound perfectly normal to me. People say that time heals all wounds so on the one hand I want time to hurry up and pass so that I can move on and feel better, but on the other hand I don't want to move on. It's been 10 weeks for me and it feels like the more time that passes the further away from me he becomes and that really hurts. My love died of lung cancer and he was only 48 yrs old. I too find myself looking at old people, especially old people who smoke, and wonder why him? Why did he have to suffer the horrific consequences of smoking when so many people seem to go unscathed for so much longer?

I have taken to writing to him in a journal. Many people believe that our loved ones spirits live on and that they are still with us after death. I honestly don't know if I believe that but I do know that writing letters to him helps me grieve and brings me some comfort. Therapy or grief counselling is probably helpful too although I haven't looked into that for myself yet. I'm too lethargic and disinterested in anything to go to the trouble of finding and attending counselling. I manage going to work (and work is one of the only places where I feel okay) but outside of that I don't do much of anything.

Whatever you do be kind and forgiving to yourself. It hasn't even been 4 weeks yet so don't expect too much of yourself too soon. If certain things bring you comfort, such as talking to him in your head or looking at his pictures, then do those things and don't worry about what others think or say.

[LouQ]

I just went to a counselor the other day. I don't know how good she will be. The day I went the whole hour was just doing paperwork. My next appointment is december 4th. I hope she will be good for me. And yes I have screamed and cried and have sat and have been quiet. I hate to cry hard because when I cry real hard I feel like I am suffocating. I am trying to keep busy. It does help me a lot. I just can't get into anything that belonged to my wife. I have tried and I just cry.

You search for what you call normal, I truly do not think there is anything that comes close to normal in situations like this. Everyone reacts differently to stress. Some scream, others cry, others sit and are just quiet. Normal, I am not sure what would be considered normal. We all have our own way. The hardest part of finding a counselor is finding someone that understands and is a good grief counselor. My recommendation is to seek someone to talk to that understands grief. It has helped me and the only thing I can say is through my experiences from the last 6 months. I cannot imagine not having help. This site certainly is a good start. Consider my advice and seek some professional council. It can’t hurt.

Mike

[Jane A]

Hello DD:

Please do not even think about looking after your husband's belongings until it is worse to have them there than it is to go through them! This is typically something that we all struggle with. When my Dad lost my Mom to cancer, he said to me that he couldn't do it, but would I do it for him. Of course I said yes. Any valuable things, I brought out to him with my suggestion as to who my Mom might have wanted to have it (eg her sister, her godchild, her grandchild. etc.) Dad was quite okay with that, it was the cleaning out he couldn't deal with. When my husband died I called my 2 brothers-in-law and daughter and asked them what, if anything, they might want of hiss. Then told them to come over and pick them up. After that it took me almost a year to tackle the rest, but by then I had a good idea of who might best appreciate them. And between his nephews and friends I managed to dig through his stuff and get what they wanted (Plus similar things that they did not know existed.) But bear in mind --- that was about a year after he died, and at that point I knew it would be easier to get them out of the house than in was to see them around me all the time. What was left, except pictures, sent to various charities. And here ir isw, five years later, that I still have not gone through the pictures, I still can't do that. But the time will come when I can, I know that, so for now I have just put them in boxes.

The only person who would be putting pressure on you would be yourself, so go easy on yourself! Time for doing this when you are ready, and only you will know that.

Jane

[Mdanielson4]

Feeling pretty bad tonight, need to escape. Tripled my meds and hope to sleep till morning. Am praying to have a dream and see my Mary.

[Deesgirl]

My heart goes out to everyone here who is suffering the pain of losing the love of your life, your soulmate.

My partner, Danny, died 18 and a half months ago now. Though time is irrelevant when grieving (I cannot comprehend that I am living through another Christmas without him), I can see the changes that have occurred in me over the past year.

I understand now that I will never feel 'normal' again since Danny died. My life changed forever that day. What I can begin to see is a new 'normal', a different me. Someone still struggling with this new, unwanted reality but learning ways to cope day-to-day, to distract myself so as not to get trapped in the suffering. I catch myself laughing again which I never imagined I would be able to do. Feeling joy still takes some effort - I usually fake it to get by - but I can feel a glimmer of hope inside that I believe will shine through someday.

I'm not going to say that time heals. This pain will be with me for the rest of my life, repairing the broken pieces of my heart feels like it will take an eternity and a huge scar will always remain. My perspective has changed recently and now I see how time helps to distance myself from that tragic night.

I think more than anything I survived this long with the support of my friends & family. Regardless of some ridiculous and awkward things they have said to me in attempt to make me feel better. As many here have already commented - people say stupid things because they feel awkward or want what makes them happy to make us happy...

I also see a therapist. In the beginning I saw her every week to 2 weeks. Now it's every month or 2 months - whenever I feel I need help, am stuck or simply have a safe space to cry and cry and cry..

I have also seen a medium. I know many people here may have strong opinions of this one way or another, but I left the session with her feeling so much peace. I saw her 10 months after Danny died - any earlier would have been too soon. You need to be ready. Do some research, talk to people. I lucked out with finding someone trustworthy through a friend. My friend, who knew Danny, was with me for the entire session and recorded it as well.

Two very powerful words a friend of Danny's told me very early on was: Just Breathe.

Just. Breathe.

I'm thankful for this site - to be able to share with others who understand.

I hope that each of you (and me too) finds some form of peace tonight.

[LOST26]

Deesgirl, I've considered seeing a medium. Do you feel like she was on the level? You said you felt peace after leaving so it must have been a positive experience. I just want to know my husband is okay. I would feel so much better if he could talk to me just one more time even if it is through a medium. Thanks.

[Deesgirl]

Hi LOST26,

I'm not sure if you received my message, but I came across a forum regarding mediums in the "loss of a child" section titled "Has anyone gone to see a medium?".

Several members share their experience.

Thinking of you.

[LOST26]

Deesgirl,

Thanks so much. I'm going to check into this because I think it may be the only thing to really set my mind at ease. I've been reading Concetta Bertoldi books and some others just to try to see if there might be anything to it and it looks promising.

Some might think it is nonsense but I just don't know....I feel so desperate.

Thanks for your help.