Lost my 19 yr old son. Sept 18,2012

[oreosmommy]

Im new to chat rooms and forums so please bear with me. I lost my son Sept 18,2012 from sudden illness with no warning. We still dont know what the actual cause of death was and are waiting on autopsy results. If anyone reads this and is going through the same they can understand the absolute devistation it causes. His death has left me at a total loss. My world revolved around him. He was a type 1 insulin dependant diabetic and I had been his number 1 advocate and care giver. He developed the onset at age 5. I can barely write this through the tears. I dont have words to describe my love for him. Since his death Ive been left clinging at straws and am very afraid that Im not gonna make it through this. Ive lost loved ones before and have struggled, but this is beyond any pain that Ive ever encountered. Im running out of hope. I believe in God and Gods will and I know that he hears us but the comfort that he gives me right now only seems to scratch the surface.

[catherine250959]

I lost my 21 year old son 15 months ago. His death was accidental and therefore, like you, a complete shock.

All the feelings you are having are, from my experience, completely normal. A child's death is the worst possible thing that can happen to someone. I can't tell you its going to get better...because it really does not. However, you will come to a point where your days will be a bit easier.

Right now, you are in the worst place, grief, shock , disbelief, despair...all I can say is ride the waves and hang on...Have you been to your doctor? I am taking a sleep aid and have since William died...I found that having enough sleep gives me the strength to face each day...I also joined a bereavement group, specifically geared towards the loss of a child. You probably aren't ready for that right now...but keep it in mind as honestly, those women saved my life.

I truly understand every minute of your days right now and I am so sorry.

[justinlsmom]

I lost my 19 year old son on August 4, 2012, like you it was sudden and accidental. I have just passed the 3 month mark and the pain gets slightly softer for the most part, but i still get hit with waves of emotions that come from nowhere. I too have lost loved ones in the past (father/brother) but the pain of losing my son is not even comparable to what i have gone through. Some days I am numb and I think to myself okay, I am going to get through this and other days I am a puddle on the floor. I was doing so well and then the 3 month mark hit, the tombstone was put up and my mother/sister had a beautiful quilt made for me out of some of my sons clothes, which is the most thoughtful, beautiful gift I have ever recieved. I can now surround myself in Justin when I need to and with all this the pain was like the first week all over again, the thoughts racing through my head. It was both physical and emotional pain, wave after wave, so i let myself feel it, stayed up all night. listened to music, looked at his pictures and wore myself out with the grief and the next day I was stronger for letting myself "feel".

I joined a bereavement group within weeks, I needed to be with other moms going through this journey of pain and suffereing and it has helped me tremendously. If you can find a group, try it, its a little uncomfortable at first but then you start looking forward to the meetings. You need to be with people who have been through this or that are going through this, nobody else understands. We (moms/dads) speak a different language after losing one of the most important people in our lives. It is hard to comprehend that this is the rest of our lives, I keep reminding myself daily hoping that it will sink in and make the pain more bareable. I am soooo sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself and you can talk to me anytime, i know i am only a few weeks ahead of you.

[stargazer5510]

As has already been said, this is the most terrible thing that can happen to someone.

I hope you will use us to lean on until you're strong enough to find a support group.

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))

[oreosmommy]

Thanks so much for your responses and encouragment. Im looking for local support groups and am hoping to find one that specifically addresses parents that have lost children. I kinda dont know where to start looking. I thought about contacting our county mental health provider. Id appreciate it if anyone cold give me some ideas of where they started. I also wondered if anyone out there just broke down at unexpected times. Somtimes its a song, somthing I see that he wouldve liked or what seems like no reason at all. I can still see him around the house or hear his voice and OMG the dreams are unbelieveable. I feel like Im going insane. I somtimes wear his school sweatshirts just because it feels like hes wrapped around me. Please dont think Im nuts. Im probably one of the sanest people I know otherwise. Every day is a struggle fom the moment I wake in the morning til I go to sleep at night. At first I couldnt sleep cause everytime I closed my eyes I could see him laying in that hospital bed with all the tubes, wires and machines hooked up to him and that blank open eyed stare( the light in his eyes was already gone} I can hear my own voice beggin him to fight, beggin god not to take him. Its like Ive relived it a million times over but now I sleep out of pure exhaustion so I guess thats a blessing. Ive got to pull myself together but every time I try just end up exploding either in tears or in anger. Ive still got m youngest here at home. I try to remind myself that Ive got to be here for him. He seems to be just avoiding dealing with it or maybe he keeps his pain from me Im not sure. Every time I approach the subject with him he just surrounds himself with his friends or finds any excuse to get away from home. So in the meantime I try not to push him and just pray that when hes ready he'll come to me.

[justinlsmom]

Hello, when I was looking for a support group i just googled it, found the closes one to where i live and called them, they have been great. I am from Canada so I am not sure who you would talk to, mine is called " The bereaved families of Ontario", I wish I could be more helpful. As for your other questions, yes, I breakdown at unexpected times still, I am 3 months into this hell and I can control my emotions to a point, but for the most part, the tears just happen. Last week my husband and I went out to a restaurant for supper and they were playing music ( I am still not able to listen to music without crying, I raised my kids to love music, music was always playing at our house and in the car, my son loved music, always had in an earplug listening to something) I looked over at my husband (who by the ways loves to listen to music still as he feels it brings him closer to our son)and he is crying, well I started to cry as well, our poor waitress didnt know what to do, you have to know its okay, you have lost one of the most important people in your life, and all the hopes and dreams you had for him. The anger si normal as well, some days I rant and rave and think I am going to lose it but I havent yet. You are not going insane, I wear my sons tshirt to bed every night, I have slept under his big, heavy sweatshirt since the day it happened, i just stopped last week as I have the quilt now that my mom had made, but I still sleep with his sweater in my arms, the timing of the quilt was good as it is getting chilly here in canada, my husband teases me and tells me eventually you will have to get under the blankets and I tell him, I will when I am ready, I need to do what makes me feel better. As for having your younger son at home, I have a 16 year old daughter at home with us, we are lucky she talks about him all the time and I am greatful for that, i put her in counselling and it just was not her thing, she talks to us and her friends. Its so hard to go through this and at the same time try and be there for your other child or children( we only have the daughter)Its not fair some days when you just want to sit and do nothing but you know you can't you have to get up, put a smile on your face and be the mom you use to be to the surviving child, we need to let them know that they are just as important as the child we lost, I know its hard, trust me I have let myself fall a few times and gotten mad at my daughter for saying things but then I try and remember she lost her brother, she is now an only child, it is very difficult for them. I dont have all the answers but i have read enough books on grief that I understand the concept of what I need to do, its just hard sometimes to do it. If I didnt mention before, read, read all the books you can get on losing a child, they are helpful, they have helped me so much in understanding what I am going through, you wont regret it. Take care of yourself, and know you are not alone, there are unfortunately, lots of us moms/dads out there going through the same hell as you are and there are lots of moms/dads that are farther down the road then us and that is where i get my strenghth from, we will get through this, we will be changed for ever, but eventually we will be able to look at our childs picture or listen to music and smile, I don't know when, but I am sure it will happen.

[MBN]

I do understand -- I lost my 18 year old son in a car accident on June 7, 2012. In the morning he was fine. A few hours later, he was gone. No warning, no chance to say goodby. Just ... gone. It has been the hardest thing I've ever had to face.

The thing that has gotten me through this is a deep belief that he is not dead, but is alive in spirit form. I believe he is still with me, still connected. He has just graduated to another form, as I will eventually. Call me crazy, but I still talk to him all of the time (in my head) and occasionally will hear a response. I've communicated with him through a medium. I KNOW that he is just fine. I miss him unbelievably here in the physical world and wish he were still here. But I also know that I am still here for a purpose, and we are not meant to dwell in sadness and grief. It doesn't stop the pain and feeling of loss, but it helps.

My heart goes out to everyone in this club that we never wanted to join.

[justinlsmom]

I agree with you, that is what is getting me through this, believing we will be together again. Sometimes I feel like I am waiting for something I dont know what it is but I catch myself feeling excited about something and then I realize it is that one day I will be with justin again. I too went to a medium and wow, i walked out of there feeling much better, I do believe he is here in spirit, he sends me signs,the one I like the most is when I get what feels like a chill through my body, no goosebumps, just tightening of the skin, its a strange feeling but I know it is him saying "Hi mom". I havent felt him in awhile and before bed last night I was giving him heck for not being around, I asked for a dream, anything at all and this morning I was lying in bed thinking about him and twice i got that "feeling" like tingling through my body and I knew it was him. I talk to him all the time as well, I use to talk to him out loud but I have had a few strange looks. lol! So for the most part I talk to him continously in my head and occasionally out loud, I sometimes think that if I dont say it out loud he won't hear it, call me crazy!!

[Vijayabanu]

Hi! I was not in a frame of mind to post anything for quite sometime. I was riding a huge wave...with festivals here in India. I lost my 21 year old son due to drowning and while trying to save his friend:( ...he was an excellant swimmer and one day imspoke to him and next day there was this phone call...oh man! How did I survive that call..after math of driving for 8 hours...searching for my son...waiting at the lake side... I m a bundle of nerves... 152 days since I heard my sons voice... The pain is nothing comparable... I guess, the future is lost when we lose our children... Just trying to take one breath at a time... Take care all of u here.. Love..hugs

[BreathofAngel]

Im new to chat rooms and forums so please bear with me. I lost my son Sept 18,2012 from sudden illness with no warning. We still dont know what the actual cause of death was and are waiting on autopsy results. If anyone reads this and is going through the same they can understand the absolute devistation it causes. His death has left me at a total loss. My world revolved around him. He was a type 1 insulin dependant diabetic and I had been his number 1 advocate and care giver. He developed the onset at age 5. I can barely write this through the tears. I dont have words to describe my love for him. Since his death Ive been left clinging at straws and am very afraid that Im not gonna make it through this. Ive lost loved ones before and have struggled, but this is beyond any pain that Ive ever encountered. Im running out of hope. I believe in God and Gods will and I know that he hears us but the comfort that he gives me right now only seems to scratch the surface.

Dear (((((((Oreosmommy))))))),

Welcome, first of all to the forum, dearheart! I am very sorry to hear of the physical loss of your dear son. I know it is far from easy for you as for anyone else. But your mention of GOD is wonderful and makes me very happy to hear that you believe in Him because it is He who will bring you great comfort and peace as no one else possibly can! It is times like these when we need to turn to God for Strength and Hope in order to carry on during the day and in the quiet hours of the night.

You say you are afraid you are not going to make it through this and while I can understand your sense of unrest again I am gladdened by your mention of your belief in God and His will which is always omniscient (all-knowing) and since we are all His children we must accept that He knows best in all circumstances why our loved ones must return to Him when they do. Keep your faith Strong in God and He will see you through this! Of that there can be no doubt. We must all go through the hardest times in our life in order to become even more aligned with God. Pray often for your son as that helps one in spirit to achieve higher spiritual growth.

There are some who have said they wish to know if there are any organizations that work with parents who have lost their children and there is one very good one that comes to mind.

http://www.bereavedparentsusa.org/

May God bless you and your family and I know He will help you through this! Please know that I will be praying for you also.

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A baby or child lives in a Mother's heart forever!

The heartbeat that you heard before he or she

was born will continue to beat throughout eternity in your own heart.

Because the separation is so temporary, they will always be with you, dear Mom! -- BreathofAngel

[oreosmommy]

Thank you for your responses and encouragement. Im having a better day today but as you all know they come and go so quickly. I know God is with me as he is with all of you. Without him I couldnt have possibly made it this far. He hasnt promised us a easy life but he did promise to walk with us through it. I went to my sons grave about a week ago and just talked to him. It was nice to feel that I was having a private chat with him there as we often did in life. Isnt it strange that so often when I really need to speak to him this sudden little cool breeze comes and I can feel his embrace. I felt it at his funeral too. For those ou there that have multiple children each child holds a special place in your heart. I have three sons. My oldest is my confidant. My youngest is my comedian. Trey was my comforter, my heart. He and I connected and understood each others hearts. Im struggling with so may losses in my life. I lost my brother and sister before I was even born, leaving me a only child. I lost my mom about 2 1/2 years ago. My father has advanced alzeimers so I feel like Im losing him and now Ive lost my son. It seems that everyone that couldve loved me or does love me dies. I know that God has a plan for all of us but I dont claim to have any idea what it is.

[BreathofAngel]

Thank you for your responses and encouragement. Im having a better day today but as you all know they come and go so quickly. I know God is with me as he is with all of you. Without him I couldnt have possibly made it this far. He hasnt promised us a easy life but he did promise to walk with us through it.

Greetings to you, Oreosmommy, I am glad to hear that you are having a much better day today! Yes, you are completely right in what you are saying that God is with you because He Is and is with everyone else here as well. I am also glad to hear you acknowledge that without Him it would have been very difficult for you to make it this far. It is important to acknowledge that about God since He is our Source and Strength. Our life is indeed difficult at times like these but just knowing that we have our Heavenly Father with us looking after us and guiding us is great comfort! The hardest thing for me would surely be to know that I would be truly alone without God to be here with me. Life is difficult enough because we have our trials to endure but again just knowing that we have Him by our side can make it so much easier to bear with what we must as only He can lift our troubled heart.

I went to my sons grave about a week ago and just talked to him. It was nice to feel that I was having a private chat with him there as we often did in life. Isnt it strange that so often when I really need to speak to him this sudden little cool breeze comes and I can feel his embrace. I felt it at his funeral too.

God allows our loved ones to give us little signs that they are there with us especially when we are calling out to them or are visiting their final resting place. It is so wonderful that you feel him with you during those moments, dear OM! That is such a blessing! At his funeral, it is said, the one now in spirit stands close watching what is going on along with those still incarnate. I too have felt their presence! And understanding these matters as I do through my years of research and personal experiences makes me feel much better and gives me a sense that we are not alone because they come to help calm our fears and offer encouragement through these little signs that indicate their presence.

For those ou there that have multiple children each child holds a special place in your heart. I have three sons. My oldest is my confidant. My youngest is my comedian. Trey was my comforter, my heart. He and I connected and understood each others hearts. Im struggling with so may losses in my life. I lost my brother and sister before I was even born, leaving me a only child. I lost my mom about 2 1/2 years ago. My father has advanced alzeimers so I feel like Im losing him and now Ive lost my son. It seems that everyone that couldve loved me or does love me dies. I know that God has a plan for all of us but I dont claim to have any idea what it is.

Dearheart, I know your heart is heavy from all of your losses but please know that you are not alone going through all of this. As you already know, God is right there with you and so are we here in 'cyberspace'. I cannot speak for others here but you can feel free to contact me whenever you would like especially if you are feeling down and lonely. You sound like such a nice person who should receive all of the support she can get and I know that with your deep faith in God, that plan will materialize. God takes His time on things and does not always do things according to our wishes but when that plan is revealed, I'm sure you will be most happy with it simply because it is coming from your Heavenly Father who Loves you and cares about you and would never send you more than you can bear.

May God be with you by your side and speak to your heart during your lonliest moments. May He allow many more incidences of communication from your beloved son, Trey! He is with you, OM, and he loves you very much! Keep Hope Alive Always!

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Those in spirit still wish to communicate with us as we do with them.

Watch for the signs that are ever subtle but nevertheless present! -- BreathofAngel

[oreosmommy]

Thank you. You guys are wonderful. Know that Im lifting us all up in prayer. I never realized how many of us there are

[Jeff's Mom]

Just wanted to say that I am thinking of everyone and hoping that you will find peace in your lives again very soon. It takes a great deal of personal strength and patience. There is no set time frame to adhere to when grieving. And so do not let anyone tell you how to go about it. It is your call. I too have found that God has helped to shoulder my pain at my lowest points. And there have been many in these past few years. I know that I am never truly alone even when I feel it at times. At those times I just tell him that I can't take any more and I am asking him to take over for me for a bit. He always does. Your pain will soften in time and you will find the strength to rebuild your life again. Stay strong.

Love, Kate

[mperez13]

On losing your 19 year old son son, I now understand the pain and grief you feel. On september 19, one day after your son died it was my son Christopher’s birthday. Only he wasn't there to celebrate. He would have been 28 years old. He drowned in a swimming pool that day after passing out from a seizure brought on by years of drug addiction. He had had some seizures before this day and was taking medication but he was always fortunate to have had them in a safe environment. His addiction and our nightmare started when he was 16, first with marijuana, then oxycontin and finally heroin. From the first time I discovered he was using drugs I had a premonition this would happen and so I lived for all these years in a state of worry, anxiety and dread. Addiction runs in our family. My brother died from it. I am a recovering alcoholic (26 years sober) and my son’s grandparents on his mother’s side were alcoholics. Even before using drugs we knew something was wrong with Chris, starting around the age of ten. He had bouts of mild depression and an obsessiveness which, at times, was unending. We had him tested and discovered that he had ADD which accounted for his difficulty in school and also led to a lack of self esteem. He would start a project and never finish. He gave up easily if a task was too hard. He has temper tantrums and was often nasty and rude to us and much later on, in the full throes of addiction blamed us for making him feel abnormal and different by taking him to doctors and therapists to try to help him. A catch 22.Despite all this he had an IQ of 135. But this didn’t matter. Genetically and psychologically he was ripe for addiction. The correlation between ADD and addiction alone is high and when you add all the other issues, my son was marked with a disease that kills so many young people. We did everything in our power to help him conquer his addiction: 5 rehabs, numerous therapists and addiction specialists, outward-bound programs. For a period of 4 years he was sober and it looked as if he had won the battle.

In those years he was so respected and considered special by the last rehab he went to they hired him to help other young addicts. But five years ago an accident that caused severe nerve damage and constant pain incapacitated him for while and, of course, the doctors put him on highly addictive painkillers. It was the perfect storm from which he never recovered.

Arrests, car accidents, disappearances, unpaid bills. This was his life from that point on. And our nightmare. 24 by 7.

What was my son like if you stripped away the addiction? He was a lovable, teddy bear with a smile that would melt your heart. He was extremely good looking, generous, loyal and had

such charisma that everyone who met him fell in love with him-and never forgot him. He had an aura about him even people who had every reason to hate him couldn’t get over. At his service three months ago over 400 people came and filled the church. People came from as far away as Australia. I was stunned by the outpouring of love and affection all these people had for Chris. Stunned because all I saw for so many years was the affects of addiction: the terrible times, the accidents, the overnight trips to California to get him out of trouble, the midnight phone calls…After h dies, how many people told me to “focus on the good times”.

How could I? I was like the soldier who comes home after years of battle and fatigue and fear with a case of post traumatic stress disorder. In fact, the therapist I am seeing now told me that this is what I have. After so many years of trying to save his life, he dies. Now what? My hope for him died with him. My yearning to see him recover and become a happy young man died with him. The future died with him. When I look at his smiling, innocent picture, taken when he was 7 years old, before all the trouble started, it becomes immensely sad. That picture is a symbol of a lovely, once healthy young boy and it becomes frozen in time and neither he, nor his mother nor I know then what was in store. We were oblivious. How I wish that little kid could walk in the door. Knowing what I know now I fantasize about taking him in my arms and telling him it’s going to be alright-because I know where it’s going and I’m not going to let that happen. I tell him that I will protect him. An impossible, yearning dream which only leads to despondency and a sense of helplessness. I try not5 to go there but at times it just happened.

Everyone who has lost a child understands what this grief is like and although everyone goes through this journey in his or her own way there is one common elements which we all share: there is a hole in our hearts which will remain until the day we too die.

I miss my son. I want him back but know I cannot have him, or see him or touch him ever again. The pain of this knowledge, at times, is unbearable. The sadness is so deep it has no bottom.

I can only pray that what I hear from so many people who lost a child that time does lesson the intensity of the pain from the loss. And that we can even learn to laugh again without feeling guilty.

I am not there yet. By any means. Someday I hope to be and remember my son and his smile and his basic decency and goodness.

I truly, in every way share your grief and the grief of ever parent who loses a child. It's not in the natural order of things-and there have been times when I simply wanted to lie down and not wake up-and join him-be with him.

Love,

Manny

[Guest]

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[mrsmilton]

I lost my only son and he was just 20 years old. I am 50 years old and we would love to have another child but I think I am too old. Gun shot wound to the head. Not sure if it was an accident or sucide. We are in a place that is not clear.

My husband and I always wanted another child, but continue to work on our careers, now we feel such a loss.