Overwhelming losses- new to group

[Mtlost]

Hi, I knew to the group. In the past 10 months I've experienced so many losses it's just overwhelming to me. And the last loss has completely rocked me to my knees. I'm not exactly sure how to handle this. So I'm looking to a group of people that will possibly understand how I'm feeling, and maybe help me get through this.

On Christmas eve of last year, I lost my grandmother. She was 89. I live across the country from my family now, and I was unable to be there in her final days, or even go to the funeral. It's guilt that is a little hard sometimes to overcome. I own a business, and we were so busy at Christmas time, but I just couldn't get a flight out that wasn't over $2000, Because it was unexpected, and at the last minute.

In August of this year, my uncle had a heart attack and died suddenly. He was only 66, and no one knew that he had heart problems. Even him. He had just had his carotid artery checked, and it was 70% blocked, so they said they weren't going to check his heart. He had a massive heart attack and passed away within hours. I flew home for the funeral, and it was horrible. It was great to see my family, But I was very close to my uncle. And I miss him so much. Over 1000 people came to his visitation and it was amazing to see how many lives he touched. While I was there I begged my mother to please take better care of herself, she has diabetes and has blockages in her heart, and I begged her to take care of herself so I wouldn't have to do this with her. When I was at the airport to leave, I hugged my mother and something in the back of my mind said I knew that was the last time I was going to see her alive. Unfortunately, I was right.

I lost my mother three weeks ago yesterday to a massive stroke. The doctors didn't check her carotid artery, and her heart was 70% blocked. She had a massive stroke which led to cardiac arrest and I lost her. I got a call from my Cousin on a Friday morning serenade just taking my mom to the hospital because she went into cardiac arrest. I was on a plane within four hours, when I got to my first layover my husband had a message for me to call him immediately. I called him and choking through tears he told me they were keeping her alive for me. I am an only child, and my parents are divorced. He went on to tell me that the doctors needed to know if I wanted to take her off life support. They would be waiting for me when I got to the hospital.

I got to the hospital around midnight and my poor mother was not conscious she was on a respirator it was helping her breathe and medication is keeping her heart beating and I couldn't believe I was going through this. My entire family was there my aunt and my cousins who would just lost their father and husband. My aunt and uncle from out-of-town and many other relatives are at the hospital.

I spent the entire night holding her hand and sleeping at her bedside. The next morning I called my family together and told him that I decided to take her off life support. The guilt I feel over that is tremendous. At times I know I did the right thing, and other times I feel like I killed my own mother.

I had three days to clear out her entire house and pack everything up and be out of town and drive across the country in my moms car. I miss her so much every day, and some people have been amazing helping me through this and understanding why I can't remember anything and I lose things quickly and I cried the drop of a hat.

One person, in particular told me I should be okay because it wasn't like I got to see her and hug her every day because I moved across the country. I had an anxiety attack over that. I don't know what to do, I feel lonely and alone in a room full of people. I miss my mom so much I just don't know how to deal with this. Yes I moved across the country yeah she came out to visit me two to three times a year, and had so much fun. But I feel like I left her.

[stargazer5510]

Just want to wrap my arms around you. You've been through so much.

Take it easy on yourself. People can be real jerks. You were there with your mother at the end and I know you did exactly what she would have wanted. She loved you and would want you not to suffer any needless guilt.

Glad you found your way here.

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))

[Mtlost]

Thank you so much. It's all just surreal to me. The shock is wearing off, so reality creeps in and I break down. I would gladly take going back into shock. I've ordered her medical records so I can understand since no doctor explained anything to me about how we got to that point.

Ive cried so much my eyelids are actually raw from rubbing them. I want to understand how, why?

I told my mother while they were removing the tubes that she held me when I came into this world, and I would hold her when she left. And I did. My aunt told me it might take some time until she passed after everything was removed, but I knew it wouldn't. I knew she would go quickly, and she did.

I will never get over this. Nobody understands- its like people think I can just go back into my life like nothing happened- well, I can't. I don't know what kind of person I will become after this- and it scares me. Everyone told me I was so brave, so strong- but I wasn't- I was numb, I was in shock. And now that it's wearing off- the bottom is dropping out quickly and I can't stop it. 3 months ago yesterday we lost my uncle, 3 weeks ago yesterday I lost my mom. I always talked to her everyday- I want to call her so bad I can't stand it.

[Mtlost]

Thank you so much. It's all just surreal to me. The shock is wearing off, so reality creeps in and I break down. I would gladly take going back into shock. I've ordered her medical records so I can understand since no doctor explained anything to me about how we got to that point.

Ive cried so much my eyelids are actually raw from rubbing them. I want to understand how, why?

I told my mother while they were removing the tubes that she held me when I came into this world, and I would hold her when she left. And I did. My aunt told me it might take some time until she passed after everything was removed, but I knew it wouldn't. I knew she would go quickly, and she did.

I will never get over this. Nobody understands- its like people think I can just go back into my life like nothing happened- well, I can't. I don't know what kind of person I will become after this- and it scares me. Everyone told me I was so brave, so strong- but I wasn't- I was numb, I was in shock. And now that it's wearing off- the bottom is dropping out quickly and I can't stop it. 3 months ago yesterday we lost my uncle, 3 weeks ago yesterday I lost my mom. I always talked to her everyday- I want to call her so bad I can't stand it.

[Jesskcoach]

I know you have heard this too many times... but I am so sorry for your loss.

And I think you were brave to be there for your mom and in the room while she was dying. Something that I wasn't able to do for my Mom when she passed away in Feb cause she was in the Philippines.

I know you said you wish you could call her. I am a firm believer of continuing a relationship with a loved one after they are gone. One idea is to write her a letter or imagining talking to her on a walk. See what arises see if you get any message back. Ask her questions and see what she says. It is just an idea but it might help.

Personally when I asked my mom questions, I came to the realization that her traveling back to the States and up to a remote location in the mountains for my wedding next June would have been strenous for her. And that it will be much easier for her to visit me on my wedding day in her spiritual form. And I hope that is also true for my father and grandparents and other loved ones who have passed away.

I pray that time eases your pain.

[Mtlost]

Thank you I'm sorry you weren't there with your mom.

But I can say this, sometimes I'm glad I was there and others I'm not. I was ok right after, but the next day, because she was being cremated, I had to Id her the next day at the funeral home. That was the worst. Like ripping out my heart.

Now just dealing with all the estate stuff- I'm ok for a minute- then I'm a mess. I wish my husband was a little more understanding at times.

I'm not ok. I don't know when ill be ok. Every day is like walking a tightrope. I am grateful that because I own my business, I can adjust my hours for what is best for me right now.

But being ok is a long way off.

[Jesskcoach]

I recieve this today via Griefshare (a program that most churches provide that aids indivdual through the grieving process).

When I recieved it I thought of you and wanted to share a clip.

'"It's (grief) a process that cannot be rushed," says Dr. Robert Jeffress. "As a pastor who has dealt with hundreds and hundreds of people who have gone through a loss, I can tell you that it is a process, and it is a longer process than any of us want to believe.

"Going through grief is like going through a tunnel. The bad news is the tunnel is dark. The good news is that once you enter into that tunnel, you are already on your way out."

Your journey is your own, but you are not alone. Do not be afraid to cry out to God.'

(Sorry I don't know your personal beliefs and certianly don't want to over step any bounds).

I hope that you are being gentle with yourself. While maintianing some time self-care.

I'm glad you have reached out to this forum and hope you get the support you need.

Jessica

[Mtlost]

Thank you I live in a very small small town and there aren't any programs here. I talk to my family a lot- and I love hearing from them- but sometimes I don't want to talk to anyone because talking to them reminds me of what happened. Then I feel bad that I want to hide.

And now I'm terrified that ill lose another family member. 3 in 10 months is just so tough to handle. My mom being the most recent and obviously the hardest for me to handle.

I've ordered her medical records because I want to understand why.

I'm sure god is tired of me complaining and questioning him by now. People keep telling me it's part of his plan, but what kind of plan is that?

Struggling to get it.

[Jesskcoach]

As far a God goes I remember that he is to vast and to big for us to comprehend let alone understand what is design is for us.

And I think that since he knew this was going to happen to you he never tires from hearing you complain.

Understanding my losses and how it altered who I am took years to see an accept and understand. For me I sought the answers to those questions years after the pain of grief had subsided. The only thing that I wish was a little different was that I allow the compounding familial losses to become part of my idenity and I closed myself off from life particularly to romance.

I understand that right now you are just trying to cope with the pain. And even though sadness and pain are uncomfortble allowing yourself to feel these things are all part of the healing process.

I did want to offer you something. I am a Life-After-Loss Coach and I would like to share with you my Grief to Hope Newsletter. I send it out about every three weeks it contains tips about coping with loss.

If you are interested just let me know what your e-mail address is. If you don't feel comfortable putting that information on the semi-public feed you can message me privately through this forum there is a little envelope symbol in the upper right corner OR you can e-mail me at jesskcoach@yahoo.com.

I hope that as each day passes just a little bit of the pain departs with the setting sun.

[srhannon]

I am so sorry for all of your losses. I can tell you that some people just don't know what to say. I loss my mother in August and I still wake up crying. I know what you are going through for some reason people don't understand that no matter how many miles away you where that was your ONLY mother. You will never get another one no matter what. And you are the only child so you have to share all of the weight on your own. I know it can't be easy and I will tell you its okay to cry, smile, yell and hurt. It’s all normal. You have suffered many losses and it's hard to understand why but I do believe that things will get better. I am still hurt over my mother's pasting and I still ask why but I know she is still with me and I know she loved me so much. I also know my mother loved the woman I became and she wanted me to move forward and continue my goals. So I have decided to work harder for my goals and honor her with my accomplishments. I know now it’s hard for you to even think straight but hopefully with time you can move forward and continue to live for your mother and do as she would have wanted you to do. Big hugs and I will pray for you.