Lost My Big Brother, Sis-in-law is already dating

[pearl61982]

My brother died only two months ago. I'm the youngest sister of two big brothers. I'm a tag-a-long sister and followed both of my brothers to their city in order to be close to them and their families. My other brother is devastated as are my parents. J had cancer for two years, and it was extremely difficult for his wife and children. I moved into a house across the street from my brother's family in order to be of extra help and provide an affordable place for my sister-in-law's mother to live and a place for my parents to stay when my participated in chemo and other treatments.

My sister-in-law's mother had her mental health issues and had to move out, leaving me as the only permanent resident at the home. My brother died about two months ago and things with my sister-in-law have changed drastically. For about 5 weeks in a row, my niece and nephew have been taken to someone's house for a sleepover one weekend night. It seemed strange as this was out of the ordinary and as I live across the street, I observed that my sister-in-law wasn't coming home at night and would come home the next day. She would provide a strange explanation about staying at one of her friends' houses, which is abnormal for her. There was also a man visiting her home who I didn't know and she and my niece became very defensive when I asked her who he was. Long story short, I saw a message in which my sister-in-law was communicating with the same man and had stated to him that they should look into staying at particular hotel together.

I was shaking I was so upset by this information and felt like I wanted to vomit. It seems like it's unreal. I just can't believe that this is happening. I know everyone copes in different ways, but engaging in a sexual relationship with someone she barely knows is very contrary to what she professes to be her values. I'm not only feeling a sense of betrayal on behalf of my brother, which I know isn't super rational, but also concern for her and how her choices will affect her and her children in the long run. The person she is dating is someone who is a friend of our neighbors who are people whom my sister-in-law has identified as being "raunchy" and "trashy." I feel heartbroken and so confused about how she could in my mind disrespect my brother's memory and by extension our family, which she has been a part of for 14 years. I know that right now I'm really only focusing on my and my family's discomfort, but I"m struggling to empathize with her because it's such a sudden, drastic change of behavior that our family has never seen before. I worry most for my niece and nephew, who are both at vulnerable ages and have been through so much that potentially adding a man who is a stranger in their life would just be too much, too soon.

I live across the street and so it's hard to see them everyday and can see that in my sister-in-law's presentation that she doesn't want me to be around, or that I'm irritating her. I don't know what to do, my other brother is really bothered by her change of behavior but related to instances of her past defensiveness, we are worried that if asked to be honest with us, she would limit contact between us and her kids. I don't know what to do and I'm sick with anxiety and worry.

I don't know what I'm looking for here, it helps a little just to write it out, but wonder if anyone else has had similar experiences or has any advice.