Still grieving best friend.

[sarah123d]

Just over 8 years ago I lost my best friend. I was 15, he was 13. I know it sounds cheesy but he was my everything. We spent every second we could together and if we wern't together we were on the phone. We shared a lot of laughs. And then boom one day he was on the way to my house and he was hit by a car. And I never saw him again. It doesn't hurt as much as it once did and I dont cry about it as much but I dont particularly think it has got any easier. I struggle with friendships now. I try really hard with them but I just seem to end up feeling let down. It makes me feel so lonely. I dont even try to talk about him any more. It just doesnt work. I cant get the words out without crying and people just dont seem to understand. Especially now it has been so long, they have their own lives to deal with and as far as their concerned it is in the past. I struggle to even say his name. I feel like he has become a big secret and I hate that, he was so important to me. Part of me feels at blame. I knew how dangerous the roads were that he was cycling down and I never made an effort to stop him and it was always him that came to see me, never the other way round. I just didn't realise it at the time, I wish I had. My mum even said to me after he had died "If only you had told me he was coming we could have picked him up, then it wouldn't have happened!" I have tried all the usual things like writing down my feelings, writing him letters and visiting his grave. Sometimes it helps briefly but never in the long run. It doesn't seem to get any easier, just easier to hide. I really dont know what to do anymore.

[stargazer5510]

Glad you found your way here. I hope you will talk about your friend. You must know that it wasn't your fault. Nobody's fault. Just his time. I lost a younger sister in a home accident when I was almost the same age - 16 years old - my psyche was dramatically shifted. At that age your feelings are so raw and on the surface. Passions are so high. For me and it sounds like for you as well, it has defined all of the moments since. I am so sorry this happened and you've carried the pain for so long.

It wasn't your fault. Your friend loved you and would ease your mind and heart if he could.

I hope we'll hear more.

(((((((((((((((hugs and peace)))))))))))))))))

[sarah123d]

Thank you for replying. I am not sure what to say about him to be honest. I have spent so long having it in my own head. It has definitely defined a lot of moments in my life, good and bad I suppose. He was the only reason I stayed on at school for sixth form because of a deal I had made with him. So I guess that was a good thing. Friendships etc have been made so hard because of it though. I dont like to let people in because I am scared of losing them but at the same time I want to keep them close so I can make sure they are ok. It isn't easy. Relationships dont even happen. Casual one yes but I wont commit. I said in my previous post I end up feeling let down which is true but I dont think it would matter what people did sometimes, they'd never be him and thats an obstacle that I am not sure how to get round.